Would That I Might

I think that Melissa is feeling much better at this point.  It may be that she will test tomorrow and be negative.  If we both test negative, I think it will probably be alright for us to at least spend time together, even if we are still quarantining from the rest of the world.  That may be an optimistic perspective, and I will call the doctor to be certain, I think, though I suppose the only person at risk of harm is me, as long as we remain isolated at home for the appropriate amount of time and make certain we are both testing negative before we go out again.  I do think it is probably best to check with the doctor, though.  I can imagine that there may be reasons for greater caution, especially if it is possible for us to transmit the ailment back and forth between the two of us, though I think that is unlikely, from what little I know.

I Do Not Know What It Will Be Or What I Will Need to Do I will do what is needed to make it what the best of it, to shape the outcome as I can, but I do not know what is possible or what it will mean.  I am uncertain, even, that I will be in control. That is what scares me, that knowing, that awareness, that I may not get to choose, that it may go in a direction I don't expect and I might have no say.  I am trying to keep calm, to be prepared.  I will do what I can, if I get the chance I hope to.

Today, I was supposed to attend the second and last session of a workshop I was taking on spoon carving.  I had been working on a ramen spoon and it was going quite well, but I don't know that I will be able to finish it, now.  Obviously, I wasn't going to break quarantine to go to the class.  I thought about going and wearing a mask the whole time, but I know that if I was in a class and someone else came who had been exposed to Covid, I wouldn't be all that happy even if they were masked up.  I am a bit sad about it, but it couldn't be helped.  I do wish that I thought it would be possible to finish, but the second class is about a different aspect of the process, I think, not to mention that the instructor has the various materials.  It may be that the woman who taught this class will do it again, but not for a long while.  She works as a cook on a ship and was telling us last week that she is preparing for several months at sea.

She Tells Us There Is An Emergency It is her mother.  She will not be coming. That is all that is said, until much later, until she makes it clear she is in Brazil now, has landed.  She says she does not know anything, does not know if her mother is alright. She has just landed. That is the last I heard. I do not want to ask anything, but I do wonder.  I know it is not simple or easy. I have done this myself, have been through it, assuming it is that bad. It may be fine. I have heard nothing. They say no news is good news, but I suspect she would contact us if she was not busy and distracted. I can only imagine what is occupying her.

Melissa has been quarantining downstairs in the bedroom and I am up in my office right now.  We did sit outside together, socially distanced and with masks on, and even then, it was only for a few minutes.  Still, it was nice.  I think that I am going to try to do some grilling tomorrow evening, and I wonder if Melissa might sit outside while I am cooking to keep me company.  Ironically, she has been feeling better the last day or so, since she actually tested positive.  Earlier in the week she had aches and was feeling very tired, nothing all that specific or acute, but a general malaise, but she tells me that has largely passed and she is feeling a lot better right now.  It may be that she will start testing negative pretty soon, though I know we are supposed to keep the quarantine up for a few days after that.  I wonder if the doctor would allow me to spend time with her at home if she is negative and we are both staying home and away from other people.

There Are Days When I Do Not Check days when I trick myself into thinking it is all done while more is waiting. Often, I do not notice until it is the next day. I always make it up, though. Even if it is late, I do make it up. I think that is enough. The only one watching me is also me, so I am the only one who could judge it as a failing.  I suppose I should just do better about checking to avoid the matter altogether.

Melissa had been feeling a bit tired this week, and last night she was also very sore and achy, so today she took a test; she is positive for Covid.  I tested and am not positive at the moment, but I am still quarantining in the house due to the exposure.  It might be easier if I did have it, to be honest, then she and I could at least quarantine in the same part of the house and keep each other company.  Right now, we are each spending most of our time alone.  Of course, I know it is better that I am not also sick, and I am trying to keep it that way, but I can still miss being able to sit down in the same room with her.

Third Poem I have tried twice before this and it was not as if it didn't work, I wrote a poem each time, but it was not appropriate, though what I mean is it was unsafe, was honest about private matters that have not been discussed. It was not kind or fair of me. I wonder why that is what came, why I went in that direction even though I knew. I want to have the confrontations, I think, though I am afraid of it. Maybe the mistake  is writing this instead, though I still think there are better options for opening communication.

I have been feeling somewhat adrift recently, at least in terms of my writing.  Part of this is just the sense of putting so much time and energy into writing without any real sense that the work I am producing is valued.  Their is a way in which I am feeling very uncertain and losing faith in myself because I have not been able to succeed with my professional efforts.  I need to start getting work accepted for publication, I keep telling myself, as if I can do something to make that a reality.  I am not certain what I can do that will make anything better, because I can't, but I also can't keep going on with it this way.  That is just making me miserable, and it is not sustainable for me to keep going on feeling this way.  I don't have any way out, though.  The only answer that is ever given is to accept it and change my attitude and be alright without the situation changing, but I won't be able to do that.  I need an option that recognizes that the situation is the pr

You Noticed It And You Knew and now I wonder, again, if it was wrong, if it will do harm. Maybe they won't see it at all or will not realize what is meant. If I had wanted to say anything I would have said it, been direct. I don't want to cause them distress, but it may I have caused it already.  It is too late to change what has been done and it may have done damage that cannot be reversed. I do not know. I may never learn, even if it all goes wrong, it could be kept from me, could be a secret I do not hear. I hope that it is simpler than that. I hope the mistake is academic and has no practical impact. That is what I hope for, I think, though I wonder about the part of me that created this situation, that chose to make all this possible. Maybe I do want a confrontation.

I worked on the podcast again today, doing another recording session.  This was a bit of an experiment, with one of the producers (who is also editing the audio) and I sitting down together to listen through a rough cut of the last recording and commenting on it.  I am not certain if it will work, but I am thinking that it might be an interesting way to frame the piece, to create layers in it.  I am still intending to also include a narrative frame around that, which will serve to create a context for this framing.  I think that I know what I am doing here, but I am in new territory and I could be wrong.  I am at least glad to have an opportunity to take this kind of creative risk right at the moment, especially since I am doing it in a fairly safe way.  After all, if this episode doesn't work out, it is not as if I have an obligation to share it.

I Was Explicit about It, But You Did as You Wished Seemed oblivious, seemed to not think there was a reason I said what I did, but I will find a way to make it work, though you may find it is not in your favor. It will be unfortunate, but it will be who you become in the story.  It is the way it must be.  It is a story. Did you miss that? It is a story, and stories have to have characters, have to have people with roles to play. I think you chose who you will become in the story.  I don't think it is who you want to be, but it is what you did, it will make you someone. I think I know who it will make you, but I am not certain. I am only the writer.

Tomorrow I have another session scheduled to work on the introductory episode of my podcast.  I think that I am getting a clearer idea of how I might be able to make this work in a way that reflects my original ideas.  In part, my goal is to make the podcast episodes in a way that references and documents the creation of the podcast itself.  The goal is for the piece to also have a narrative element, largely building on the notion of my journey through the episodes,.  I am still not entirely certain about how it will work, but I have enough to work on what is next, I think.  It could be, of course, that I will get to a point where I hit a dead end and am not sure how to bring it all together, but I don't think that is going to happen.  In any event, I think it is far better for me to keep a positive attitude and approach it from that perspective.

There Was A Plan I made it clear, I thought, made the plan apparent, explained what I was thinking and why and how. It was explained, the reasons, the goal, all of that was explained, but when the time came, I still do not understand it, when the time came, there was something else, something that was not the plan that you decided on.  It was not what I expected and I do not know what to do, now.  It is not clear what you intend. I thought we were on a team, but you have plans of your own and I am not certain they align with mine. I do not know what is best. but I am imagining a way forward. I am thinking it will be possible though it may be difficult and I do not know if you will understand, but that may not be important. There may be ways  I can make this work despite your lack of recognition or understanding.

I am continuing to work on the introductory episode for this podcast, but I am not certain about it in a variety of ways.  For one thing, I had an idea for what I thought we were going to be doing in it, and that seems to have been tossed to the side at some point.  I should really have said that I wasn't comfortable throwing that plan away, but I didn't and it feels like it is probably too late to go back to it.  I am worried that it isn't going to be possible to do something of the sort that I am intending under these circumstances, but is that anything other than my typical fears?  I don't know.  I wish that I felt more confident about this in general, but I am still pretty skeptical of the idea of doing a podcast in the first place.  I want to try, at least.  I don't know if it will do any good, but I am certain that trying is at least something, and there is the possibility that it will actually work out really well.

One Will Not Bend And The Other Will Not Straighten and they are jammed together, must fit, must be made so they fit together.  But neither is going to shift and something will break, it will be broken, destroyed, ruined.  It won't be possible for it to be fixed and made better. One has to bend, or the other has to straighten but that is not going to happen. And don't think they can be separated as if that is a clever answer because it's been considered and would be no good, either.

I am still feeling a lot of doubt about things right now.  It would be nice to have some sense that things are moving in a positive direction, but I am not sure about that.  It might be that I am not paying attention to the proper things, that I am only focused on a certain set of outcomes to the exclusion of anything else, as I am sure certain people probably think, but I don't really believe that, to be honest.  I am aware of certain things that might be considered as positive in some sense, but I have been focused for a long time on getting work published and that is still what matters to me.  In many ways, it is the central criteria for me, and it is not a reasonable one, I know.  There are a huge number of obstacles around the goal and I have not had a lot of luck in getting work accepted even by smaller journals, and I don't have a reason to expect this to change, and that is without even considering a full length manuscript of any sort.  I don't have any reason to ex

I Want to Believe It Can Change and that things can get better. Hope feels like it should be good, but I am afraid of it, really, am afraid it is not enough, is just wishing and waiting. I don't want it to be about hoping. That is too uncertain and I have bad luck, anyhow. Hope has been a losing strategy for me and I need to find a way that is better, that makes it possible to do more than just hope but to do something to change it. I don't want to hope for it to be better, I want to have a way to fix it. The problem is, I am always told there is not a way to do that, that the only possibility is being lucky.  I can't have that be the only option. I can't keep waiting and hoping. The only thing worse than waiting and hoping would be giving up altogether, would be not trying at all. I need a way to change the things that cannot be changed  by anything I can do.

I have been feeling a lot of dread recently and I think some of it is a protective response coming up because I am afraid.  I've been working towards some new efforts that might be positive but which involve opening up to doing things in different ways.  I do wonder if part of my fear is not also just about the possibility of succeeding.  I am certain a part of me is worried that, if things began to go well, it would not be real, or it would only be the lead in to a crushing defeat of some sort.  I am a bit pessimistic, I suppose, or my unconscious is.  To be fair, it is what I have learned from experiences, though I can't pretend that is not something I am a factor in.  I mean, it is possible to look at many things in my life in other ways, I am certain, and if I were another person I very well might, but I am not that person and the experiences I've had have helped to teach me the things that have shaped how I interpret and understand those experiences.  In any event, I a

I Still Want More even now but I shouldn't have it, I know that.  I do not know if I can resist but I know I should. The awareness that I shouldn't may be one part of why it is so hard not to give in.

As mentioned yesterday, I was up quite early this morning, and I didn't have a chance to rest earlier.  I was busy most of the day, and I spent much of the afternoon and evening out of the house.  I am, in short, quite exhausted right now, and I know that once I finish work on this blog entry, I am done for the evening and will have earned my bed time.  I do wish that I could think of more to write here tonight, but I am just tired and ready to be finished.  I suppose I can make myself continue on until I figure out something to say, or decide I have tried enough.  I can do that, but I am not sure that it has much of a point right now.  I did my main writing, both prose and poetry, and so I don't really feel that it is super urgent to make this blog entry more than just whatever it turns out to be. 

I Must Not Wait when it begins, I know. I waited last time because I misunderstood I did not know what the limit was, what would be and would not be. I thought it was fine to take time but it was foolish. The opportunity can vanish so quick.  It can be my chance, but only if I am fast. There is much more, is luck and skill and all the rest, but that will not matter if it is not done when the time comes but has not yet passed.

Melissa has an appointment early tomorrow morning and I promised I would go with her, so I rushed myself to get my work done early.  I doubt that many of those who read this will know about C. Northcote Parkinson and his namesake "law," which stipulates that work expands to fill the amount of time one has to do it in.  The example he gave was that an old woman who has nothing to do will spend all afternoon writing a thank you card, spending an hour picking the right card and the proper pen, and drafting it several times before committing it to paper, whereas a business executive would have it done in five or ten minutes without difficulty.  This is a rather silly example, of course, but the whole idea is probably pretty ridiculous, if one considers it carefully.  Still, I can't help but think of the fact that, on nights when I have no other obligation, I seem incapable of getting my work done before it is nearing two in the morning, but tonight I was able to get through i

A Plan Is Emerging I have it in mind, the way to continue, but it is strange and will change things, will not be anything expected or familiar.  I do not know if it is a good idea, not right now.  I am only beginning, am not ready to make these choices, but I am still here and I am willing to do what is bold. It will work or not and that is all  that can be said. It is best, I think, to risk and gain from what is learned than to never risk and never learn and only be  what the triumphs of others  say you can be.

We began recording some material related to the podcast.  It was not exactly what I had expected it to be.  One of the producers wanted to start by interviewing me, which is fine, though not what I had anticipated or imagined.  I'm not really certain how it will work in the overall piece, but I am open to the idea.  It does fit with some of my thoughts in terms of creating different types of textures and material to make up the overall work, and I have some other thoughts, as well, but they are still broad and vague.  I am excited that we got started, even if it is a bit of a different beginning than I had anticipated.

Those Plans Were Minor Enough It does not matter, I don't think, that we have changed them. I think it will be the same if we delay or choose another way. It could be different and not be all that important. They were minor plans. It does not make a difference, not in the specifics. What troubles me is the patterm, is the way we never get done what we want to.

Tomorrow I am supposed to start recording for the podcast.  I think I am prepared, though I still need to do a bunch more writing for it.  A lot of that is going to be hard to do until I have some of the other elements in place.  It would be hard to write out a script without knowing what is in the interview and other material of that sort.  For example, I want to include some behind the scenes kind of material, recordings of discussions with other people working on the project, for example.  The script has to interact with all of those elements, has to be structured to allow for them and to create a context for them which makes sense of it all.  I do have a good sense of what I want the episode to be about, the themes and ideas I want to incorporate which is, I feel, enough to guide me through these various elements.  Once we get through some of that, I should be able to put it all together.

My Resistance Has Eroded and I am slipping back. No, that is a lie. I chose this, chose to fail. I said it would be fine, convinced myself at each chance. I was fine, was doing better. It was not easy, but I did not need to succumb. I let myself do it. It is best I admit that. If it happened on its own I would not have a chance. I must remember  it is my control, I allowed this.

Melissa is Greek Orthodox and by the calander of her faith, today (well, technically it is yesterday by this time) is Easter.  We often celebrate this together by having a festive meal, usually including my family.  This started when my father was still alive with large meals at one or another Greek restaurant in the area.  This year, we decided to cook the feast at home.  We have done this once before, and it was a lot of work then, and it did not go entirely smoothly, but we felt prepared to do it this time, having learned from out previous experience (which was still not a total disaster or anything).  As well, we were able to invite some other members of my family who Melissa has grown close with.  This is my cousin, her husband and their daughters.  They moved about an hour or so away from us years ago and we have often joined them at there home for holidays and celebrations.  Her husband is a doctor and is often on call, so he hasn't been able to come visit us, so this was ou

We Tried to Be Certain Everything Was Good for Everyone We tried to be certain everything was good for everyone, which is difficult, and not at all easy.  No rice because of one person's allergy and no gluten because someone else has celiac, and no strawberries, no pineapple, melon.  There is more. It is complicated, requires vigilance, requires care-filled effort. That is what it takes, though, that is the requirement to make it right for everyone, to include all of us who are gathering together at this table.

I am tired and have been rushing to get my work done.  I have to be up early again tomorrow, and I was busy until late today.   I want to get to bed before too long, have been hoping to get my work done for some time.  I did steal a few minutes to work here and there earlier, but it was only a few minutes and I still had a great deal of writing that I intended to do.  But I did what was left rather fast.  It didn't feel like I was rushing, just like I was focusing and ready to go.  It is probably a bit of both, though, when I consider it closely.

That Is Not An Answer There is an answer, but it is not one I want. I do not like it, will not accept it, so, it is not answer. I refuse it, deny it, I will not have it as any kind of truth. It cannot be the answer. It must not be. If it were to be the answer, It is far worse, is disastrous bad and has no chance to be set right. Alas, that does not change it.

I am quite tired at the moment and I have a long day tomorrow, starting quite early, so I really just want to get this blog post done and get to bed.  This week has been full of long days, and I don't sleep well, so it does get to me.  At the same time, I am quite accustomed to being overly tired, so I tend to be pretty functional most of the time.

I Do Not Know If It Is Done Right if the results are good, but I followed directions. I do not know if they are good directions, but I followed them. I did just what they said. I did not think to question them, but I am wondering now, now that it is done and it is too late  for anything but worry.

I have been thinking a lot about the podcast I am supposed to be starting work on.  I've got a decent idea of the initial episode that we are planning, at least in the broad strokes, but I am trying to figure out just how to start it.  I have a number of ideas, but I am not sure about any of them at the moment.  I should just sit down and start to write out a script, I think.  Maybe that us just me trying to convince myself, as I know I have a deadline approaching.  At least I tend to be productive under pressure.

I Have Heard Your Explanation and it does not match my memories.  It is the ordering, the events you say came first, the ones you call causes, I remember them coming after it all began. Your reasons cannot rely on what you learned after it already started.

As expected, I have had a rather long and full day.  Last night, I discovered that my car had a nail in the tire, so early this morning I took the car over to get it fixed.  Unfortunately, the tire could not be patched and the shop didn't have a new one that matched in stock.  They were able to order it for immediate delivery, but it took most of the day for that to get fixed and I had a number of other appointments and obligations to deal with.  Fortunately, my brother let Melissa and I borrow his car, but it was still quite a hectic day, with a lot of craziness.  Consider: my training session at the gym was cancelled because the building had become flooded with the rain.

There Is So Much to Do and we have not started, though there is time still, days to go, but it is approaching and it will be here and it is easy to think there is time, still. I am good at that, at thinking it is early or not yet so late. I should just start right now, should get going. Of course, I could start too soon. It has to be ready at the right time. Too early is as bad as too late.

I have a terrible habit of taking a long time to get my work done on nights when I know I have to be up early the next day.  I should be in bed already, but I am still writing.  At least I am just about done.  I hope that I can at least get to sleep fast.

We Did Not Notice It until today, and we are sorry. It was good of you and we did not notice. What must you think that we have said nothing? It was an oversight, not intended, not cruel, not intentionally cruel. We did not mean that. We were simply busy and did not pay attention. It is not a good reason but it is still true.

I have been working hard to make my poetry more honest.  I don't mean by this that I have not been truthful in my writing, rather that I want to be able to be more straightforward and speak of things in a direct and clear way.  It can be difficult to just tell the plain and simple truth of things, especially when those things are emotionally charged.  Sometimes it is a matter of the emotions making it difficult to be clear, or it can be a matter of the ego and the instinct to protect myself, or even the desire to not hurt others I care about.  I am certain that these are not the only reasons, and I suspect I don't really even understand the real ones all that fully.  I know that I am making a lot of progress, at least in some sense, even if I am still struggling towards a greater degree of openness right at the moment.  For a long time, I almost never wrote poems that even tried to tackle personal matters directly, and now I am writing a great deal of poems that are more direct

I Do Not Think I Am Prepared and it worries me that it won't go well, that I am being foolish to even try and do it, but I know it is important, that it matters to you, will make you happy. Even if it is not perfect, I think I can do enough that you are happy and know I tried. I will make the effort. That is not the problem. I think you understand and will be accepting of imperfections, but I want to do better than that. It will bother me that I cannot provide what you deserve.

I have always thought about starting a podcast, but I am also a bit concerned about doing it, if I am honest.  In some ways, I worry about getting stuck on a path that isn't authentic or doesn't allow me to reach the goals I have, and I could imagine becoming a podcaster in a way that pushes me in the wrong direction.  That is why it is important to me that, if I am going to do this, I find a way to make it something that is really in line with my interests.  I think that this is partly helped by focusing on book publishing, and especially by making it a bit more directly about my own efforts and journey in that regard, but I also know that I need to make sure it reflects me in more than this.  What I would really like to be able to do is find a way to replicate certain aspects of my fiction, in particular certain meta elements and approaches that I am particularly fascinated by and drawn towards.  I am not certain just how that will work in the audio medium, or even how I inte

I Will Reject That, Too I do not want to feel better in these circumstances. If things are this way it is not alright and to be happy with this would be worse, would be wrong. You will tell me to contort myself so this is fine but that is worse. It cannot be different if there is no change, unless better is simply a delusion you intend to give me.

I have been continuing to work on this new novel for a while now, but it feels like I am still not making a great deal of progress with it.  I am still at the start of the story, really, and am not certain how to progress exactly.  I have a strong sense of the themes and ideas that are involved, but I am just finding it difficult to put this into a specific plot.  A large part of the difficulty, I think, is that I am trying to do this in a more traditional kind of story form, and that is not natural for me.  I am holding back from being narratively experimental as well, I think, as a part of that same effort to make this into something a bit more accessible.  The idea in the book is certainly one that feels appropriate for what I am intending, and I am not trying to do it in a forced way.  I would like to tell this story and I think it is appropriate to tell it in this way, indeed, I don't think I want to make it a different type of story or tell it in a less direct way, but that d

Distracted is an easy way to be for me tonight. I could still be pouring all my attention out over nothing at all, not thinking of what I know I should be focused on but following thoughts  as they bounce across the field of mind like the wild rabbit we saw by the road the other day. What was it I was thinking about? I do not even know if I was considering anything or if this is all I had in mind. I can't even remember where we were when we saw the rabbit. It is not a thing that happens every day, not here, anyhow. In some places, but not this one.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the concept for this podcast that I am beginning to work on.  In general, it is being built around what it takes to get a book published, but in a way that is a bit more personal and built around my efforts to progress on this journey.  Of course, I also want it to be something more than that, with it also being about the podcast itself, deconstructing the project from within, as well as including elements that are not as literal or grounded in reality, perhaps?  I am still figuring out exactly how that works and what it means, but I am getting a better sense of it as I keep doing the work.  I still have a lot to figure out, though, especially in terms of what I am trying to create in terms of the audiences journey through this.  That aspect is complicated for me and I am not even certain how to explain what I am aiming for right now, though I do have a sense of it in mind.  It is just not formed into a cohesive concept yet, but I know, or, at

The Premise that it will get better  if we do the things to deal with the problems you want us to fix is faulty.  The problems that matter  are not the ones that we can address. Fixing them will do nothing to make us happier or improve the real issue and your insistence just makes it harder. Admit the damage that has been done and tell us you understand  and things might change, but it won't make it better. Nothing that can be fixed can repair the real damage, but if you accept that, if you admit that the harm is real, maybe it will help. I know it can't stay this way, but I don't want to do anything that you will pretend is changing it for the better and not just what is necessary despite  the reality that it will only fix and not repair.

I am missing my dad a lot tonight.  I suppose that is not surprising, considering it is Passover and tonight's Seder included a lot of family traditions.  Even more, I keep thinking about things and how they might be different if he were still alive.  It may just be my own fantasy, and things could have turned out just the same as they are, but I don't think that is true.  There has been a lot that has happened in my family recently, and I feel like my dad would have handled it all very differently.  Certainly, there are things that would probably have worked out the same way, but, even in those cases, I tend to believe my dad would have handled it differently and, even if the end result was the same, I would probably have a different relationship to certain events.  For example, there were some important decisions that were made which I was explicitly kept from knowing about, even though everyone else, including my younger brother, was informed, and I am fairly certain my dad

I Guess It Won't Be Getting Better Between Us Why is it I am the one who is expected to face the consequences but you did this to me and are free to go and do as you please? I do not think you care at all. If you can't be here, if you can't accept that you are obligated because of what you did, that is evidence you do not want to make things better. You are only interested in having your way, which is how this started. You chose to ignore the harm you were doing because of what you wanted, and now that it is too late  for anything to be done, now that you have damaged my life irrevocably, now, you want to walk away as if it is fine for you to do that. I can't be trapped by your misdeeds while you are free to do as you wish, not when you also say you want to make it better.

It is the first night of Passover, but Melissa and I did not have a Seder dinner.  We are going to my cousins tomorrow to celebrate, but my mother is up in New York with my brother and his girlfriend, so we decided to just go out for dinner together instead.  Melissa and I go out a fair bit, but this was the first time in a long while when we really planned a special night out for just the two of us.  Most of the time when we go out for dinner it is a spur of the moment decision and we often wind up at one of the same few places near our home that we always go to.  We've been so overwhelmed with things, I suppose it is not all that surprising that the stress has us acting this way, but I can't help noticing that taking time to be together this way and to do something more deliberate and planned out that is for our own enjoyment might be a key thing for relieving some of that same stress.  

They Remembered Us though we have not been there in quite a while.  I was surprised they welcomed us so after all this time. They were kind but I wonder what it is that they recall. I hope it is good, that they think kind thoughts when we arrive. I do not know what I might have done to be so memorable but I am paranoid it may not be good.

I looked at the word count for the non-fiction piece I am writing and it is at nearly 45,000 right now.  I've still got more that I need to research and write about, and I know that much of what is already there will need to be rewritten and expanded with citations and other supporting material.  I am also thinking that the piece needs another element that I've not yet gotten right, something about my personal experiences that connects to the subject matter and helps to explains my perspective and the reason for writing this piece.  As I have expressed before, I am writing about the anti-Semitism inherent in vampire fiction generally, with a particular focus on Dracula, though other works are discussed extensively as well.  Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla , for instance, is explored in detail, especially as it was a clear and direct influence on Stoker's own book.  For me, this is an important matter, and one I find quite similar to the issues surrounding H. P. Lovecraft

Do Not Tell Me It Will Be Better unless it can be different than what it is, unless you know a way to change what is possible to match what was possible, what we planned and wanted and still want. Do not tell me to accept what can be, now, and say  it will be good and make things better. It is only saying the aftermath of your abuse is good enough, is what I deserve.

I am thinking about getting back to revising one of my novels.  It has been sitting there for a while, just waiting for me to get to it, and I think it might be time.  I read a bit from the beginning of it to a writing critique group that I have been meeting with online and they were very positive about what they heard.  Granted, it was only the first page or so, but they were still very positive and that is encouraging at least.

The Error I do not know what went wrong or how it occurred, but it was not my error. I am certain it was nothing I did. If it were me I would admit it and tell everything, explain it, detail the mistake, reveal it. I would not hide  or make excuses. I am certain that is how I would act if I did such a thing, if I were even the type.

I am beginning work on a possible podcast.  It is something that I have considered doing before, but this is something that is developing in conjunction with the same people who I have been working with for a bit now.  The idea right now is to do a test run of just a few episodes, but I know the ultimate goal is for something more long term.  In some ways, this excites me, but I know that, if I am going to do this, it needs to also be something that is reflective of me.  I think I might have an idea of how to make something that would work for me, but I am still just at the start of the process, really.

It Is Due We must go in the morning to make certain it is done in time. If we wait, it will be too late and it might be a problem. There is no flexibility  in the matter.  It is expected and there is no patience. It could be handled with more kindness, one can argue that, but it may be best it is done this way. The rules offer protection. The boundaries are not random. It is a reminder that this is not friendship.

I have a fairly productive routine as a writer, with a steady output of new work.  At the moment I am working on three longer projects, all prose.  One is non-fiction, one is fiction, and the other I am not really sure what it is at the moment.  In addition, I am still writing five poems daily (six, if I include the poem that I post here).   As much as I am writing, though, I can't help but feel like I could be writing more, that I should be dedicating more of my time to the work and getting more done each day.  I tend to only get to work later in the evening, and I can't help but wonder what I could do if I were more disciplined and spent all day at my desk to write.  I think much of this thinking is a result of my having been far less productive for many years when I was younger.  I realize, now, that I left school unprepared for the lack of structure and support that came with that transition, and it took me a long time to adjust and find a way to both discipline and motivat

It Was Unkind but no one will know who it was unkind to and that is good. There is a place for that, but it is best to not be cruel with it, to not make it personal. The sentiment  is what matters here, not the specifics, the who and why. No one needs that. No one needs to be named. Better it be a mystery, anyhow.  People will wonder, maybe.  Such a mystery can be compelling.