A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Thousand-Six-Hundred-And-Forty-Two

I have been feeling somewhat adrift recently, at least in terms of my writing.  Part of this is just the sense of putting so much time and energy into writing without any real sense that the work I am producing is valued.  Their is a way in which I am feeling very uncertain and losing faith in myself because I have not been able to succeed with my professional efforts.  I need to start getting work accepted for publication, I keep telling myself, as if I can do something to make that a reality.  I am not certain what I can do that will make anything better, because I can't, but I also can't keep going on with it this way.  That is just making me miserable, and it is not sustainable for me to keep going on feeling this way.  I don't have any way out, though.  The only answer that is ever given is to accept it and change my attitude and be alright without the situation changing, but I won't be able to do that.  I need an option that recognizes that the situation is the problem, that the way things are is something that I cannot accept.  I know that doesn't exist, though.  I know the truth is that I am stuck and it won't get better.  It scares me.  I don't know what else to say.  I am afraid that it is a mistake to even admit that I feel this way, but it is the truth of my experience.  I need to find a way to make things better, and that requires finding some kind of genuine professional success with my writing.  Tonight, I am feeling that acutely for some reason.  I don't know what it is that triggered it, but it is not as if it takes all that much these days.

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