Would That I Might

Melissa and I made it to Richmond.  I actually wound up doing all the driving today, though that was not planned.  I was intending to pull over and switch when we were about halfway, but we were on an express lane for the highway at that point, and there were no rest areas and few exits, so I just kept going.  It was fine, mostly.  Really, it was only towards the end of the drive that the fatigue was getting to me.  Still, it will be best if we split the drive going forward.

You did not tell me what to do You just walked away without any thought about it.  I did not know what was expected and did what I knew to do, which you knew was not right, but you said nothing, let me fall into the trap. You will say it was nothing, that you did not think about it and so it should not matter, that you did nothing wrong, because you did nothing. You refuse to consider that you might have obligations that require thought and action.

 Melissa and I are leaving tomorrow.  We still intend to drive to Richmond, but we couldn't get a room at the hotel we have been going to, so it is going to be a bit different in general.  We also still have a lot to do here before we go, with packing and such.   Honestly, it has me a bit overwhelmed right now.

The one thing matters that is all, not the rest.  It will be fine of there are other things that are not, that are missing. I know it will not be as I wish in many regards. I am attempting to be flexible, but I have a limit, as far as that goes. I am pre-registrating my potential complaint so I can feel worse if it is accurate.

I have a new piece of fiction that I need to work on.   I made a promise to do it and intend to keep that promise, but it has been difficult to begin.  Maybe I need to wait until I am back in Florida next week.  Melissa and I should arrive on Wednesday, if we follow our current plan.

There is much that must be different and I must not be indifferent, must show deference to the difference, must be different and do the different things that are needed, that must be done. I should know that.  I should not need all this to be just that bit better. Tomorrow, I know.  I did what I did today, but there is a different need tomorrow.

Last night I finished writing my monthly newsletter.  I am finding that I often need to trust in instinct about how to communicate the emotions I intend, and that thjs often requires leaving the material raw.  It is about not over refining, but also about being vulnerable in new ways and trusting myself and my audience.

She will be here soon and I will go to greet her when she arrives, though it is only hours since she left, it is still important to me, I still want to be back beside her the first moment that it is possible.

Melissa is out of quarantine now, so we were able to spend time together again, which I am quite happy about.  It is not as if we did anything much today, but just being together is often enough, especially after not being able to spend any real time with one another.  

I am uncertain if I will be able to return before it is not possible again.  I want to. I do not want to never return again. I want to be here and always know it is not the last time, always be certain it remains.  That cannot be.  It would be good, though, to be certain this time was not the last. I am afraid it will be and that is not alright.

Melissa is free from quarantine tomorrow, and I am quite excited.  It is hard to stay apart, and I have missed her, even just being a few rooms away. 

I worry it was me but I know that is unlikely. I think it is possible and it concerns me, is upsetting. I do not know. I will never know. I wonder if they think it is my fault. I hope they do not think so, or, if they recognize the potential, they do not think I did them wrong.

Melissa is still quarantining right now, but tomorrow should be the last of it.   I don't know what will be after that.  I know we have to get going from here.  In some ways I am not at all ready to leave, but those ways are not going to ever change.  I am feeling very overwhelmed by the circumstances here at home, really, but I don't feel ready to discuss all of that yet.

Prove you meant what you said Prove it was not just easier to make certain noises and not others, to make me think you did care, did understand. You promised it would be right, promised to meet the need for it to be that way. Do not tell me that won't be.  I know already that you will tell me it is this way now and cannot be changed.  You are happy with it. That does matter to me, but it is not an erasure. In some ways, it could be compounding. 

My mother has movers coming to her apartment tomorrow and I need to be up early for that, so I am trying to wrap up early and get to bed.  Truthfully, I am already quite tired, so it is not much of a problem.   I do worry about how I might feel about it when they are here, since I am not really ready on an emotional level.  It will be quite strange and I am already a bit upset, but I know that won't be considered acceptable, especially so tomorrow.

Inaction I did not stop it and so it goes on, now. I had the choice, had a chance to act. I was distracted  and it was not clear. Perhaps it is fine anyhow. What if that is the truth?

Melissa is still sick and I am still testing negative, so I am trying to stay away as much as I can.  She said that she is definitely feeling better, and is optimistic about a speedy recovery.  I am attempting to help as best as I can, but it is difficult when I should not be in the same room with her.

It is not that, or if it is that may be worse I think you do worry, I think that is real, but I do not know that it causes or contributes, except to the hurt. There is a good deal I'd want help with, but you do not mean these things, you just believe what you say is true.

Melissa and I had been starting our preparations to leave New York.  We had expected to leave this weekend, but with her being sick, my Mother is forbidding us from leaving.  She worries about what could happen if Melissa really needs help and we are on the road.  We had situations like that with my father and it was not always easy or pleasant, so I understand her concern.

I was responsible I think it was the way to be given circumstances. I could have shirked.  I did not. You act as though I did nothing, or nothing right, but I could have left altogether. I could have chosen to care for myself alone and not be there to help. It is the choice I could have made.

Melissa has not been feeling great the last two days.  She spoke with the doctor today who asked her to take a covid test.  She took one yesterday and it was negative, but today it was positive.  This complicates our current circumstances, since we are staying with my mother in New York.  We were supposed to head out soon, but may have to rethink our plans a little.

I want you to fix it or what does it matter? The promise you made needs to be one you keep, there cannot be any alternative. It is why it is a promise. I am terrified that it is not possible. It is too late to keep that promise, I know what will he said if I speak of it. But I am terrified.  A world where that promise is unkept is one in which I must always fear, in which I can never be safe. I will not pretend those are not the stakes.

I feel very lucky to have Melissa in my life and I know that I am not always great at making that truly apparent.  I suppose no one can be.  I still recognize the reality of what she deserves, jncluding much that is securely out of reach.

I do not think it would be best. It is difficult to imagine how it could be. Things were  and could have been for longer, but what is gone is not simple as that, is more endings, more that needed it's own attending.

It is quite late, which was not my intention.  To be honest, I am quite annoyed at myself right now, but I cannot alter the time to make it earlier.  I just need to deal with the reality that I need to get to bed.

It would have been easier if I had been careful and paid more attention, not been passive, not waited as if a thing might happen. I do not think it was best to stay and be present, not this time.   I could have done better. It is quite clear to everyone, even to me.

I am really grateful that my friend Steve was able to come visit.  It is hard to get into the specifics of why it matters so much to me, but it was the only opportunity I have had to share this part of my life and upbringing with him.  He and I have known each other for a substantial amount of time, and I think it was valuable for us both to be able to share an experience of my home.

She does sing well, and it is a surprise. It is not what I expected, though it is not that strange. People sing, some do it well. Why do I find it strange that she is capable and remarkable? I suppose it is her nature and my own bad assumptions. 

My friend, Steve, is visiting with Melissa and I here in NYC for the night.  My mother consented to let him stay over.  It has been a long while since I had seen him, and means a great deal to me that he came to visit.  There has been a lot to deal with and it hasn't all been pleasant or fun, so even just having a bit of distraction is nice.

It is all made clear again and then once more after that.  It is shown in all those actions, in between them, too, in the ways, the looks, the silences.  It is clear what is believed, but not why you think so or what I might do to earn, at least, your kindness.

I recently released a newsletter with a bit more of a pokitixal message than I usually have in the past, and it seems as if it went well, so I am thinking of writing more in that vein.   I am not certain just what that will be, yet, though I do have a few ideas.   It is exciting to get work of this sort out there, but I want to be conscientious about the topics I choose to engage with.

Not in this place. Though I cannot say why. It is not a difference that I have noticed. The answers are hidden, or are, maybe,  are in colors I cannot see

It has been another late night and I am quite tired right now.  It always feels good to finish my writing for the night, even when I am exhausted, as I am tonight.  It might be more meaningful to me when I fight through an obstacle like exhaustion and still get it done.

It is all bright and, also, dark in the wrong places and at any time or no time by turns, I think. It is not all at once. That might be more, might be worse, but I do not think it could be that way if this is the reality where it happened.

I write a lot of short pieces that don't always go anyplace.  In many cases, I just stop and don't go back.  I think I want to revisit some of these to create articles for my newsletter.  In some ways, this is just a way to coax myself to look at unfinished work and complete it 

It may be you will not care the way things went, but you might be upset. I am not certain what will be worse. I expect there will be a combination, a denial that it matters  expressed through coldness.

I have an important day tomorrow, and I am trying to remain calm about things.  I should just get to bed.  I thought about not doing my writing, or not doing all of it, so I could get to bed earlier, but I chose against that.  I do not know if that matters, but it seems important to me.

It is not clear what is wrong or what can be and what cannot. I am certain there are limits, but these cannot be  their nature. I know too much to believe it is this way

I am planning to share this more broadly through my social media, but anyone who can spread this, it would be appreciated.  Al, anew friend of mine in Columbus, recently had to take his kitten to the vet and is facing thousands in bills.  As some of you might be aware, Melissa and I adopted a kitten, Ulysses, a number of years ago and found ourselves in a similar position.  In Ulysses case, he had an idiopathic seizure disorder that required a lot of extra care, and we were fortunate to have support that enabled us to care for him.  Alas, he did pass away a number of years ago and we still feel that absence.  I am hoping that Al and his kitten, Banshee, will find the support and care they are needing at this time.  Below is the link to Al's gofundme.  If you can offer support, that is incredible, but I know that AL would be incredibly thankful for anyone who even just shared the link: https://gofund.me/bc850ac0

His way is not the kindness he calls it to himself. He believes it is that because he does not know any way besides that, has no understanding of his destructions. It is nothing.  He would tell you I am the one who is that way  instead of it being him.  Maybe I am warning you because that is true.

I had a far later night than I planned or expected, though the details are not relevant at the moment.  Tomorrow, I have a meeting that I want to be ready for.  Honestly, I considered not writing and getting straight to bed, but I think it is far harder on me when I choose to do that.

I was not prepared Even if there were warnings. I knew enough I should have expected this, but that is not how it came to be this way. I can blame it on odd questions or costs and cacti.  All are accurate, are elements.  It makes sense to those who already understand which is the only way, really.

I made a choice recently about capitalizing in the titles of my poems.  It used to be that I followed a fairly standard format, putting capital letters at the starts of all words in a title except prepositions, but I recently stopped.  I still capitalize the first letter of the first word, but beyond that I don't use any capitals except where they would normally be used, as in proper names and such.  I am not entirely certain this is a universal decision, but many poems I write have titles that are intended to be read as ordinary lines that lead in to the rest of the text.  As such, I think they should be presented in that way on the page, with the spacing as the distinction that this is the title.  I do write poems with more formal titles, though, even if not quite as often, and for those I can see value in the other approach.

It has gone from what would be and is not to be even as possible. It felt certain. Do you understand  that it was true, was a fact, was the way of things. It was what I trusted, and there is a need that it be so.  That remains though it is gone, even as the slightest chance.

Melissa and I are driving back to New York tomorrow.  It will be a long day, of course, but we have done this type of thing before, so it should be fine.  I am going to try to get to bed on the early side so that I am ready to go bright and early.  If we stick to our plan, we hope to hit the city by around seven in the evening.

Possibility I have considered what it can become if it is allowed, if it is granted that. What a question. What a tragic question 

As I alluded to last night, I have been finding it difficult to concentrate on my writing recently.  In large part this is circumstantial.  Melissa and I have been away from home, and most of our trip has focused on dealing with important and often stressful matters.  Even so, I have done well keeping up with things, for the most part.  I did skip writing one day, and have found my progress a bit slow on other matters, but overall I have done well.  I wish I were a bit better at cutting myself some slack over those few hiccups, but I am afraid to be too lenient, as if I might find that it resulted jn my abandoning writing for a week or something. 

You will tell everyone that story as if it is the truth of what happened, as if it is just the way of things and not a version.  It is the story and it happened that way. It is how you will tell them and it will become what they believe. Even worse, it will become the thing you are certain is the truth. You will leave no room for understanding or consideration. No other experience of these things is worth consideration any longer.

I have been working on a short piece relating aspects of my childhood to certain topical  political and social issues.  It is not a very deep dive, as the piece is just a few paragraphs long, but it has been difficult for me to get it right.  I am not entirely certain why it has been so challenging.  When I think about it, I wonder if a large part of the difficulty has been a simple result of my current circumstances and the stress related to various matters I am dealing with.  Even more basically, it might just be that I don't have my computer and keyboard with me right now.

You do not understand that there is more That it is not over. You think it is what you did, but the impact continues, more is happening. I do not want to explain what is your fault because I know you will flea from it. You cannot allow yourself to know about these things, to understand what is true. You do not have the strength to understand yourself.

I have had a rather long and busy day, and I am quite glad to be wrapping up for tonight.  I have been somewhat on edge, as well, and a bit emotional, even about things that shouldn't really have mattered very much.  I am recognizing, as well, that I have been redirecting certain frustrations in ways that are not entirely useful.  I feel as though I cannot do anything about much of what is really bothering me right now; it seems that, instead of dealing with those things in any real way, I am just venting out my feelings in other directions instead.  It is not helpful, of course, but it feels better than facing the real problem of accepting everything that has changed.

I am slow, but I am learning Do not think I am not, or assume I am unwilling to change. I want to be different. It would be better for me. I am aware.  It is not easy, though, but I am noticing it for myself, now. I think that is a start.  I think it is. It is not enough to make it better, but I believe it is a small step on the proper path.

I am starting to find that the novel I am working on is taking a new and unexpected shape.  Events that I did not expect have inserted themselves into the plot and I am following along at the moment.  I know it is still moving in the general direction that I had intended, at least thematically, but the story itself is shifting.  I don't know exactly where it will lead, but I think it is probably a positive change, as I had felt a bit uncertain with the piece already.  It will definitely need a lot of work to edit and get into shape when it is done, but I feel more excited to see what happens with it than I had for some time.

I have not chosen but that is not a problem. I can still begin without knowing. It will not be long before there is a shape, a direction.  It is inevitable. Just beginning is enough to require the rest. I do not always realize that, do not remember it when the time comes, and even if I do, it is not a short cut, is not any easier. It is simply a way forward when none is apparent.

Although, as I mentioned last night, Columbus hosts there  is 4th of July fireworks the night of the 3rd, there were still festivities today.  Specifically, Melissa and I attended the DooDah Parade, which is largely a humorous expression of local weirdness.  Much of it is people in costumes with satirical political messages, though there were also numerous vehicles in attendance, as well, most of them festooned in eccentric ways.  It was a lot of fun, though Melissa tells me it used to be larger, with highlights such as the "marching Fidels," and some kind of synchronized lawn mower brigade.  Even without these elements, it was still a good time.

Dinner was strange It was not pleasant. The food was mediocre but it was not the problem. The waiter got annoyed at us for his own mistakes, complained when we sent back a dish we never ordered, then got upset we still expected  the food we had requested. In the end, someone else paid for our meal, without our knowing who or why. That part was very nice. It made me think  the rest was only strange and not something worse.

Melissa and I are in Columbus, Ohio, where they have the big fireworks display on July 3rd and not on the 4th.  She tells me it is so that they do not compete with smaller celebrations.  We watched the display from the roof of a parking deco near our hotel and had a fine view, though we are a bit away from the launch site.  Melissa is a much bigger fan of fireworks than I am, but I want to be able to get more into it, if I can.   I know that Melissa would appreciate it if I were better at celebrating the holiday.

I should have driven and not just trekked over. It would not have been different. I do not think it would be different. There was nothing there when I arrived, and it would not matter if I had driven,  it would not be any different if I had arrived by car, but it would have been faster and without all that wallong.

I need to start work on a full length poetry manuscript.  I have more than enough work, but it is going to take a lot to put it together.  I have a concept about how I want it to function, the ways that I can bring the work together while still allowing the individual poems to stand as singular elements.  I think I may need some assistance with the work, in particular I might need someone who can really help me to pick out the work to include.  It is a matter of selecting the ones that will create the best book.

You were afraid it would be terrible That things would be wrong, all of it destroyed, but it was fine.   A few ants, I think. The floor was solid, the walls and ceiling had not rotted or caved. It is alright.  Even so, you still feel you are failing. I know.  You are overwhelmed. I want to help you, am trying, even though I, too, feel it, am overwhelmed by all these things,  just as you have been. We must find a way together, and must remember we have done better than we think, consider: have handled it all  without complete self destruction.

Melissa and I arrived in Ohio this evening.  It was a long day on the road, and a bit of an arduous drive, to be honest.  Much of it passes through mountainous areas and there was quite a bit of rain.  Also, there are not many places to stop.  The scenery is quite nice, to be certain, but with the rain and the foggy air in the north east right now, that didn't seem much of a highlight.  Of course, now we are in Columbus, which was the result we had hoped for.

I am the stranger in this place Sitting in an unexpected place, the unknown.  I am just travelling, which is not strange at all, I think, not in this place, but I am the one here tonight, sitting behind the building in the darkness of this alleyway. It was just a quiet place. I did not mean anything, my presence is just an accident.