A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Thousand-Six-Hundred-And-Thirty-Eight

I am still feeling a lot of doubt about things right now.  It would be nice to have some sense that things are moving in a positive direction, but I am not sure about that.  It might be that I am not paying attention to the proper things, that I am only focused on a certain set of outcomes to the exclusion of anything else, as I am sure certain people probably think, but I don't really believe that, to be honest.  I am aware of certain things that might be considered as positive in some sense, but I have been focused for a long time on getting work published and that is still what matters to me.  In many ways, it is the central criteria for me, and it is not a reasonable one, I know.  There are a huge number of obstacles around the goal and I have not had a lot of luck in getting work accepted even by smaller journals, and I don't have a reason to expect this to change, and that is without even considering a full length manuscript of any sort.  I don't have any reason to expect my experience to change, but I also know that it is the thing that matters to me, which I am also aware isn't going to change either.  I don't have any answers and I don't want to be told, once more, to change my attitude or accept things being this way, because that is not helpful for me, even if it is the only answer that is available.  Truth is, I won't ever be alright unless I can actually make things different in this regard, and I know that is not healthy or good, but it isn't a choice.  I wish I felt like it was safer to talk about this honestly, but I am always afraid that saying these things makes me sound selfish or egotistical or otherwise reflects really badly on me as a writer.  I know it is better to just accept rejection as a part of the process, and I know writers who have accepted that they will probably never get their work out into the world to any great extent.  That is, I am certain, the appropriate attitude, the one that I should embrace for myself, but I cannot even pretend to be that way.  It may be that my desire for an audience is selfish and ego driven.  I do not have any way to argue against that, though I don't know how terrible it is to want the work one does to be appreciated, to not feel that it has all been a waste.  I spend a huge amount of time writing, and I find the act of writing work.  I invested my life into being a writer from a young age and it is important to me that all the time and energy I have put into this career not be a waste.  I shouldn't even try to explain it, really.  I am not certain what good it does to try and explain that aspect of things.  I just know that my attitude isn't malleable about this, and that I am not alright with my current situation.  Of course, it doesn't help me to think about this or to say anything about it.  I don't know what can help, really.  The only help would be to change the situation, and that isn't a real option, of course.

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