Would That I Might

I still have a bit to wrap up on the current novel, but I am planning to start a new project tomorrow as well, and to keep working a bit on this until I finish, which shouldn't be too much longer, as I do know the shape of what is to come.  The new book has yet to really be clear to me, but I know I should start tomorrow.  In some ways, I think I am glad to be moving on to something new, as I found this book a beast in many ways, and I think that having another project that is on the front burner and which is more enjoyable to write, will be a good thing for me in general. I do have some thoughts on the shape of what I want to do, as I mentioned yesterday, but I don't really know how to put it all together, or even the specifics of the characters.  Of course, it might be that this idea will wait a bit, and something else will leap onto the page.  That certainly can happen, if an idea is not ripe enough but another is ready.  I think, this current idea needs some other thing t

I still have a significant amount of work on the current novel, but am prepared to get through it tomorrow.  I don't doubt that I can do it, but I am sure it will take an effort.  I am feeling confident about the book as a whole, in terms of the work, though it may well be something just for myself at the moment at least.  It does not feel like it is something that I could publish without a lot more work, and I don't really feel that this is the project I want to sink that time into. I am extremely glad to write this work, of course, as I do think it has helped me gain a much stronger grasp on certain concepts and it also opened up a lot for me in my own thinking.  It was largely a personal journey, and I expect that writing the ending will be as well.  I am, I'll admit, somewhat scared of this project in some way.  I think that is what has slowed me down, and I think the fear is a result of my awareness that this is very personal and about coping with my own emotions rel

Today I made the major breakthrough of the novel which I had been waiting for, though it took a quite different shape than expected.  It involved adding far more poetry to the work, and I am now well over 42,000 words, setting me within a reasonable distance for completing the work.  I do have a lot to add, but I know what it is, in many ways, and I think that I can do it far more easily than I would have been able to if I hadn't realized this part. It will take a bit of work back in the book to completely connect the dots towards this ending, but it does not feel that it is not anticipated.  There are a number of things in the book that point in this direction already, though it will take a bit more work to truly connect the dots.  I have a great deal of faith, though, in what has been done.  I also recognize places where it can be foreshadowed and worked into the fabric of the book. I feel much better about the current project, as a result, and am optimistic about getting to

My meeting this morning went well, though it was unresolved, as the agent has not yet had time to read W/R .  I know that I will have to wait, and that is fine.  As I've said before, I am largely expecting this will be an opportunity for me to learn.  Their was certainly much that I did learn and I feel that the feedback which I've received is quite helpful.  In many ways, the aspect which is most important is being able to connect with a professional and gain a bit more familiarity with those interactions.  Professional connections of that sort are significant, but it can be a bit daunting to begin developing those interactions when you are not established.  Recognizing that the people on the business side of publishing are nurturing and open is incredibly uplifting and affirming. It is always intimidating to be at the start of a journey.  The journey of writing a book is one thing, but the journey of getting it into the world is another.  For me, I am far more comfortable

So, I had a bit more success in getting the words out, but am still behind.  I think that I need to just relax about things, and I am hopeful that I will feel better after tomorrow.  Specifically, I have my agent meeting in the morning.  I do not expect that I will be offered representation, of course, but I am still a bit nervous about it, as I know it's an important professional connection.  It is, of course, natural that I would feel a bit on edge about this, as I do want to make a positive impression, even if it is not what I ultimately want. The issue is largely that I am feeling as though my work could be seen as less than professional or somehow not ready.  That, in essence, I will look like a foolish amateur trying to make it in the big time.  What is crazy is that I know this is not really the case.  I've studied and worked hard.  This novel is not something I sent out without years and much work, as well as feedback from other sources.  I know it is good work, but I

I began with the writing this morning as intended, but did not have a chance to do a blog entry.  Indeed, much of my plans for the day have been altered due to circumstances that are outside my control.  In 2015, Melissa and I adopted a kitten whom we named Ulysses.  He, from the start, was an amazing, sweet and spirited cat who decided he wanted to go home with us at the shelter. It was not long, however, from when we adopted him that we found out Ulysses had issues.  The shelter claims that they did not know, but it seems unlikely to us, as we noticed almost immediately.  The thing is, Ulysses has seizures.  The first week we had him, we were preparing to bring him to the vet and he suddenly started to have a fit in front of me.  We brought him in and they expected it was nothing, but he continued to have fits and more serious seizure episodes. For a long period as a kitten, Ulysses was spending almost every weekend in the hospital, with us driving him to the emergency vet late a

I've had another sub-optimal writing day, but am feeling alright with that, to be honest.  It is going to be a bit of a slog to finish up, but it is definitely not an unrealistic goal.  I just have to actually spend the time on it, and now I am at the point where I am feeling the pressure to do just that.  In some ways, that pressure is quite a good thing, and useful, even if it is a bit of a pain at the time. Really, this is about motivation, and about getting myself back into a focused state.  The past several days have been very much focused upon non-writing parts of my life, which is probably a good thing in general, but I am feeling rather upset about a number of personal things that I won't go into here.  Suffice it to say that these issues are certainly distracting from my attempt to focus on the work itself. As well, I still have a lot of fears around my work.  For one thing, while I've had a modicum of positive news of late, I am still waiting on some more signi

I've spent much of the day catching up from the past few, and actually did not get a lot of writing done on the novel.  I feel, still, that I am well equipped for what remains, though I recognize I have a lot to write.  I think that other issues are really in my head right now, and I want to address some of that for myself. As mentioned yesterday, I have been accepted to have my play read at The Theater Lab at FAU, and I am quite excited by that.  As well, I was invited, today, to teach a local community workshop over the Summer, which would be one day and as a volunteer.  The offer comes from a people whom I respect, and I feel inclined to accept.  However, the positive news that is coming is a bit difficult in other ways too. For one thing, I do have to acknowledge that I feel very much that I did not try all that hard to get my work out into the world for a long time.  Even now, I am not yet making a full court press on that front, but that is largely due to my accepting cer

To begin, I did some work on the current novel, but it was fairly minor.  Perhaps a few hundred words at most, as the point was mostly symbolic, for me to be able to say that I had continued the momentum, and thus feel connected to the book.  I did have an easy time at the writing, honestly, and feel far more facile within the voice, as well as more aware of the story itself.  If it had not been for my day being quite long and arduous, I would have done more.   Cooking today was a long and demanding task, and Melissa was extremely irritated, which she took out on me.  I attempted to handle this, but by the time guests arrived I was utterly exhausted, both physically and mentally.  I could barely stand and felt sore in both my feet and my back.  I did some work and took a long break. As mentioned last night, I am planning to make this a bit of a departure for the holiday.  First, I want to say that I feel quite conflicted to be honest about Thanksgiving.  I recognize the history

I didn't get very much done in writing terms today.  It is a busy time at home, as we are hosting dinner for my family tomorrow, with a few friends coming.  Not a huge crowd, but enough to make it work.  So, I did some symbolic work today, adding a few lines, but not stressing it.  I figure that I might have time in the later hours tomorrow, once things calm down, and can hopefully catch up. I am recognizing that I have a lot more understanding of the book at this moment than I had before, and am feeling energized by that.  Even just writing a few lines today, I knew I had more there that I could have pulled out.  It is at that point now.  That is truly something I am glad about, as I was feeling very glum about things.  Now, though, I do see how the story has much to it that is not obvious but is present, and which might be clearer to a reader, I think.  I mean to say, I have been writing within a certain conscious frame, thinking through the characters own mind, and not always

Today has been a very positive day for me.  First, while I only wrote around 1,500 words, I feel that I have a good grasp on the next chunk of the novel, and that I am well on the way to speeding towards the finish.  I see much more to be done in the way this ending is working, and it is about pushing the character towards a certain point that will make him expose his vulnerability.  Now, for this character, that is a matter of pushing him to a certain point, and that is what is happening.  I have come to recognize what is going to lead to that and am fairly certain of what is going to be the result. I also see the background of the book that has been unspoken and is coming together as well.  Their have been various characters and events that have been building up in the background, and the quiet way the book is assembling has allowed that to happen without my thought.  Their is much that is coming to light for me, and it is all going towards a certain point. This is all quite shoc

It has been a long and rather exhausting day.  I had an event today that I was obligated to attend with my fiance, and I knew that would limit the time I had for writing.  I also was aware that Melissa had an appointment this morning, before the event, and that she needed to arrive early at the event itself to help with setup.  She had been asked to arrive at around 9, and as my Mother was also going, and is involved with the group that is running it, I asked if she was going over early as well.  She agreed to drive Melissa, if I dropped her after her appointment, a plan that gave me ample time to come home and do my work. Of course, despite all of this, everything went awry.  When we arrived at the house to drop Melissa off, I was about to leave so I could come home and get to work, when my Mother asked me to come back in the house.  I had explained to her, previously, that I am working on a book, and had expressed that I wanted time to do some work at home before the event.  This w

So, after a bit of sleep this evening, I got up and feeling a lot better, thankfully, and was able to get back to work.   I didn't make it to my 2,000 words tonight, but did keep on track for the daily word count, and feel that is good under the circumstances.  I do think that it was flowing a little more, and that I am getting out of that slow period as I approach the final stretch of the book.  It's still a long ways, but I am over 30,000 words now, and that feels like a big thing.  I still don't know if the book works, or if it even is necessary for it to, but I understand more about it now than I did before.  A certain set of incidents that occurred in the passages that I wrote today helped to show me what is happening, placing emphasis on a certain tension in the story. Now, that is not to say that I am sure of the book in any sense.  I still feel very much that it is likely to be something that may only ever be for myself, but I also sense it is a far more importa

Early this morning, I got up and did about 500 words on the novel, and then spent much of the day running errands in preparation for Thanksgiving.  After we got home, I realized that I was feeling not entirely well, with a bad headache and a bit of an ache, so I am calling it an early evening.  It may be that I wake up feeling much better in a few hours and decide to go to work, but I am probably out for the night.  I am going to try and get back on track tomorrow, but for now, I just need to get some sleep.

I wish that I felt better writing this book.  I keep getting my word count, and am quite ecstatic to say that after today I am officially on track for Nanowrimo, 28,500 words total so far.  Keeping at my current pace of 2000 or more words a day, that will mean that the book is probably going to come in with a first draft of between 55 and 60 thousand words.  Of course, that assumes that I don't slow down, or speed up very much, either of which can, of course happen. Don't get me wrong, I am very proud of the work I am doing, but there is a feeling about the book that I have, which is probably due to the very things that I wanted to achieve within it.  The book is made of trivial events, disconnected except by the connection to the character.  It is not a story in the traditional sense, perhaps, or is a fairly basic one, at most. The thing is that is very difficult to achieve.  My mind wants there to be more to the book, in some ways, and I need to keep the focus on what

The pattern seems to be holding steady, with me starting slow in the morning and cracking through to a decent word count by evening.  I ended at around 2,300 words today, which I feel good about, but I would like to have added just a few hundred more, since that would have gotten me on target for Nanowrimo.  If  I keep at the current pace of 2,000 or more words a day, that won't be an issue for long, though.  I think I might get to that point tomorrow. It still feels like a real slog writing this book, and I have a great deal of doubt about it at this moment.  The one thing that sort of saved me was reading a piece where Neil Gaiman discussed a call to his agent about his book Anansi Boy's, a novel that I am very fond of.  At some point in the middle of writing, he was feeling extremely frustrated and considering quitting on the piece.  He called his agent and she replied, "oh, you're at that point."  She then went on to say that this happened with all of her cl

The pattern of my working days has continued, with the mornings producing a small output of a few hundred words and then the afternoon following suit with similar smatterings.  Then, this evening, with a bit of an effort, I wound up bringing my total to over 2000 words, getting me nearly on target for Nanowrimo.  I am currently at around 23,000 words, which is a bit behind, but only by a day or so.  If I can get myself more in the flow, I shouldn't have any difficulty making that up, but that flow seems a bit elusive much of the time with this book. I did get through some rather significant scenes today, and feel that I have a handle on the direction that the book is heading in, and where it will end.  I think it will be a fairly short volume, but I have a sense that it might be something very special.  Certainly, I feel that the difficulty I am having is a reflection of the kind of work it is, and not the quality of it.  I know that, at times, it can be hard to work on something

My afternoon and evening writing today almost 2000 additional words, and the novel is now over 21,000 total at this point.  I still felt a bit slow today, really, but I got a fairly good chunk written, and I think that I am on track.  There are many ideas that are clarifying around the book, and I have a strong sense of things that are coming. There are still things that surprise me, even as i write them.  I began working on some parts not really understanding what they were about.  I was writing something about construction, and the idea of the pyramids, and it took me a few moments to even recognize why the idea of tombs might be in the mind of this character.  That is probably, I think, a good sign, really, as it means that I am, as I've said, inside the mode of the character's thinking, where these ideas seem to come out organically. I believe that writing this book is teaching me a great deal.  First, about character, and the revelation of character through small de

This morning, at around 8 am, I decided to get to work.  I convinced myself that starting the day by getting work done would be a good thing, and would set me off on a positive foot.  While I still feel that is true, largely, I am rather disappointed that, having worked for about an hour, I only produced around 800 words, which is rather slow for me.  So, I am considering why it is that I am feeling rather slow at the moment.  I had ideas of where to go in the book (even more at this point), and I am recognizing that there will be things that are bound to open up in response.  I feel close to figuring my way through so that I can actually do the rest of the work, but at this moment, I am still connecting all of the pieces.  In some ways, the changes that are coming in the book are a bit odd, to me, as they might alter aspects of the book's trajectory, but I am recognizing they bring certain possibilities to the book as well. It is a far more condensed book, in terms of time, a

It has not been an overly productive day, but I do feel good about the work that I accomplished.  It feels a bit lighter, in some sense, than yesterday's passages, but was somehow harder to get through in a way that would really work.  The character is now in a deeper level of action with the world, and their are many little things to be considered in what is unfolding.  It is not merely the interiority that was being reflected before, but now a degree of action that seems to be creating opportunities to show things to the character. All of this is still minor in terms of the events that occur, because it is still not about those events, really, but about the character becoming connected to the world again, in a sense.  It is the journey this character is taking, and he is seeing the world around him, and now has stepped beyond merely observing to sort of enter back into it.  I think that I have a good sense of certain drama that might occur at some point.  It will be a bit more

I had a difficult time getting myself to work today.  In the morning, I did do a smattering of work, adding a few lines or perhaps a paragraph, but not much.  I got to around 860 words and was considering taking today as a bit of a loss, but I decided that I needed to go to at least one thousand.  In that time, something occurred in the book that began to move it forwards and I found myself caught up in the writing again. In all, I wound up writing more than 2,000 words, and feel that there is a lot more progress in the book.  I also sense that I am getting the shape of it more, and understanding how it is working.  By the nature of the plot, one that is largely internal, the book has a certain focus upon the contemplation of the character, as mentioned before, but that contemplation is cracking into a need for the world, and, as that happens, there is an emotional evolution occurring. The events of the book are rather minor, in terms of what is happening in the actual plot.  So f

I wrote around 1300 words today, which is not as successful as I would have liked, but I feel good about the current status of the book overall.  While I still have concerns about it, and at times am feeling a bit lost in it, I do have a sense that it is taking shape and moving in a direction.  I don't feel entirely confident that it is working at the moment, but that seems to be a natural part of the process, and I am not going to concern myself with that too much.  Indeed, I have a sense that it may be a necessary pressure, one that is integral for the formation of the work. In some ways, I think it is in these moments of doubt, the days when I feel the work is not going well, that things really are happening.  On these days, I tend to think that my concerns are somehow registered and considered on a level that I am not fully aware of, and the next day I have a new understanding of what I am doing.  I think that it is important for me, at times, to not really see the big pictur