A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Hundred
So, I had a bit more success in getting the words out, but am still behind. I think that I need to just relax about things, and I am hopeful that I will feel better after tomorrow. Specifically, I have my agent meeting in the morning. I do not expect that I will be offered representation, of course, but I am still a bit nervous about it, as I know it's an important professional connection. It is, of course, natural that I would feel a bit on edge about this, as I do want to make a positive impression, even if it is not what I ultimately want.
The issue is largely that I am feeling as though my work could be seen as less than professional or somehow not ready. That, in essence, I will look like a foolish amateur trying to make it in the big time. What is crazy is that I know this is not really the case. I've studied and worked hard. This novel is not something I sent out without years and much work, as well as feedback from other sources. I know it is good work, but I also recognize that it is strange and not for everyone.
The strangeness of it, as a book, is something that I think scares me the most, since I know that it could be seen by someone who doesn't get it as being lesser work in a way. But I think that is my own fear, and not something real. I've had enough people who looked at the book that I trust tell me positive things. Some have been friends, of course, though friends who are professional colleagues as well and whose opinions I trust. I've also had input from other professionals, and that has been quite positive too.
The thing is, none of this is rational, so the fear cannot be soothed by ration. Tomorrow, I will get through the experience, and I expect it will be more positive than I anticipate, though not entirely to the point that I would like. As said, I think my fear of contemplating success at this juncture is a recognition that it takes a long while to find the right agent, especially with work that is so unusual. I don't believe that is likely to happen so early on in the search.
Really, I want to see what I am able to discover in the experience, and I have to take it that way. It is a learning experience, and my goal is to find out what I can to make the work better and to keep moving forwards. I don't think there is a problem with the issue of the book's writing, really, but I can see how it will likely need work to get to the final stages of publication. It may be that I need to do more of that work now, and that is fine.
What scares me, really, is the fear that I don't actually know what I am doing and that others will see right through that. I don't want to feel that, as it feels like I should be holding up a mask, or already am, and that I can't be genuine. Of course, the ironic thing is that you are more likely to feel that way, as if you are incapable and pretending, if you are capable. If you really are inept, you just don't even notice it, generally.
One way or another, though, I will have the meeting tomorrow. I think it is likely that after I will be in a much better mental space for writing. I've gotten to a point where a lot more is clear in the book, and I should be moving fast. I think the anxieties that have been bubbling up of late are a big part of the reason I am not writing faster.
It is funny, but I rationally expect the meeting will go well. I mean, I have spoken with the woman who I am speaking with before and enjoyed it very much. I believe that she cares about what she does and knows that she has a certain degree of authority and power. As well, I think she is a kind person who wants to nurture writers, even those she won't ultimately want to work with, and as such, I expect it will go well no matter what. I don't mean that she won't be honest, but that honesty will be part of a larger context. As well, I do not think that she was unaware of the kind of work I am offering, so she wouldn't have wanted to see it if she weren't interested. So, in the end, I do expect to feel better about things in some way. After, I am likely to feel quite a bit different about this, and to feel more motivated in what I am working on now.
Basically, I am just in my own head too much, and I need to find a way to exorcise that. I think it may well be that my meeting tomorrow goes a long way to dispelling some of those feelings. That's where I am right now, and I think I will leave it at that. I will share whatever news I get tomorrow, probably after the meeting.
The issue is largely that I am feeling as though my work could be seen as less than professional or somehow not ready. That, in essence, I will look like a foolish amateur trying to make it in the big time. What is crazy is that I know this is not really the case. I've studied and worked hard. This novel is not something I sent out without years and much work, as well as feedback from other sources. I know it is good work, but I also recognize that it is strange and not for everyone.
The strangeness of it, as a book, is something that I think scares me the most, since I know that it could be seen by someone who doesn't get it as being lesser work in a way. But I think that is my own fear, and not something real. I've had enough people who looked at the book that I trust tell me positive things. Some have been friends, of course, though friends who are professional colleagues as well and whose opinions I trust. I've also had input from other professionals, and that has been quite positive too.
The thing is, none of this is rational, so the fear cannot be soothed by ration. Tomorrow, I will get through the experience, and I expect it will be more positive than I anticipate, though not entirely to the point that I would like. As said, I think my fear of contemplating success at this juncture is a recognition that it takes a long while to find the right agent, especially with work that is so unusual. I don't believe that is likely to happen so early on in the search.
Really, I want to see what I am able to discover in the experience, and I have to take it that way. It is a learning experience, and my goal is to find out what I can to make the work better and to keep moving forwards. I don't think there is a problem with the issue of the book's writing, really, but I can see how it will likely need work to get to the final stages of publication. It may be that I need to do more of that work now, and that is fine.
What scares me, really, is the fear that I don't actually know what I am doing and that others will see right through that. I don't want to feel that, as it feels like I should be holding up a mask, or already am, and that I can't be genuine. Of course, the ironic thing is that you are more likely to feel that way, as if you are incapable and pretending, if you are capable. If you really are inept, you just don't even notice it, generally.
One way or another, though, I will have the meeting tomorrow. I think it is likely that after I will be in a much better mental space for writing. I've gotten to a point where a lot more is clear in the book, and I should be moving fast. I think the anxieties that have been bubbling up of late are a big part of the reason I am not writing faster.
It is funny, but I rationally expect the meeting will go well. I mean, I have spoken with the woman who I am speaking with before and enjoyed it very much. I believe that she cares about what she does and knows that she has a certain degree of authority and power. As well, I think she is a kind person who wants to nurture writers, even those she won't ultimately want to work with, and as such, I expect it will go well no matter what. I don't mean that she won't be honest, but that honesty will be part of a larger context. As well, I do not think that she was unaware of the kind of work I am offering, so she wouldn't have wanted to see it if she weren't interested. So, in the end, I do expect to feel better about things in some way. After, I am likely to feel quite a bit different about this, and to feel more motivated in what I am working on now.
Basically, I am just in my own head too much, and I need to find a way to exorcise that. I think it may well be that my meeting tomorrow goes a long way to dispelling some of those feelings. That's where I am right now, and I think I will leave it at that. I will share whatever news I get tomorrow, probably after the meeting.
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