A Writer's Notebook, Day Ninety-Seven
I've spent much of the day catching up from the past few, and actually did not get a lot of writing done on the novel. I feel, still, that I am well equipped for what remains, though I recognize I have a lot to write. I think that other issues are really in my head right now, and I want to address some of that for myself.
As mentioned yesterday, I have been accepted to have my play read at The Theater Lab at FAU, and I am quite excited by that. As well, I was invited, today, to teach a local community workshop over the Summer, which would be one day and as a volunteer. The offer comes from a people whom I respect, and I feel inclined to accept. However, the positive news that is coming is a bit difficult in other ways too.
For one thing, I do have to acknowledge that I feel very much that I did not try all that hard to get my work out into the world for a long time. Even now, I am not yet making a full court press on that front, but that is largely due to my accepting certain aspects of my work. Mainly, my interest in longer forms and not, at the moment, in short stories. I still write poetry as well, though not as much, and am interested in publishing that at some point as well, though it is not necessarily as much of a career building step as I would like.
Beyond that feeling, though, of having wasted time out of fear, their is also a sense of fear at the idea of my own success. In many ways, this is about the question of whether I truly deserve these opportunities. In the case of the workshop, my not having published much or having a real track record on a professional level makes it difficult to see myself as someone who is appropriate for a class of this sort.
In a similar way, I feel a bit odd having my work accepted for to be read, as I know that I have some connections to the institution, and I have not done a large amount of theatrical work in the past. I do have some experience in theater from when I was much younger, but it is only a more recent pursuit. I know that the piece which I wrote isn't necessarily the best thing in the world, or a great work of literature, but I am also sure they would not have picked a piece they didn't believe had some degree of merit. At the same time, I don't know how it was selected or why, and I have a natural inclination to be a bit negative with that.
What is to be done about such a thing? I don't know, and I am not sure I need to, however, I do need to keep moving forwards in spite of that. I think the answer may lie in the idea that those deserving of the chances are those who do the work, and that I am in control of doing the work. As well, I think that the work is the center of all the rest. The only real reason to stop the work is fear, specifically, at least right now, fear of success.
It is nothing all that new or shocking, of course, "impostor syndrome." It is that sense we all have at times that we are not who people think we are. I often think that many people must have some sense of how to get away from this, because they present so much as people who know what they are talking about, even those who are young or seem less informed. Of course, those who know a little don't realize how little they know. This tends to manifest in the fact that people with very little skill over-estimate their ability while those with greater aptitude under-estimate it.
That duality is maddening, considering it on a personal level: am I the person who knows so little that I think I am actually capable? It is not possible to know in some way. An expert's experience make them a much harsher judge, but they do not see that. The expert sees their knowledge and ability in the context of what they are aware of but have not mastered, and thus do not consider their own expertise as highly as a person of greater learning. So, am I a person who knows something or just a fool who thinks he does? Probably both, really.
Their is no real solution forthcoming for this kind of thing, of course. It is worth remembering it is only natural and most successful individuals deal with it in some way. In response, my only answer is to acknowledge it, and accept that it is a real feeling, and to keep moving through it. It is ironic that small successes of this sort are so jarring, in a way, but I feel that I am making progress, and that is a scary thing. I know that keeping at my work is the real solution, and that is why I need to stop writing this, so I can get to bed and catch up tomorrow.
As mentioned yesterday, I have been accepted to have my play read at The Theater Lab at FAU, and I am quite excited by that. As well, I was invited, today, to teach a local community workshop over the Summer, which would be one day and as a volunteer. The offer comes from a people whom I respect, and I feel inclined to accept. However, the positive news that is coming is a bit difficult in other ways too.
For one thing, I do have to acknowledge that I feel very much that I did not try all that hard to get my work out into the world for a long time. Even now, I am not yet making a full court press on that front, but that is largely due to my accepting certain aspects of my work. Mainly, my interest in longer forms and not, at the moment, in short stories. I still write poetry as well, though not as much, and am interested in publishing that at some point as well, though it is not necessarily as much of a career building step as I would like.
Beyond that feeling, though, of having wasted time out of fear, their is also a sense of fear at the idea of my own success. In many ways, this is about the question of whether I truly deserve these opportunities. In the case of the workshop, my not having published much or having a real track record on a professional level makes it difficult to see myself as someone who is appropriate for a class of this sort.
In a similar way, I feel a bit odd having my work accepted for to be read, as I know that I have some connections to the institution, and I have not done a large amount of theatrical work in the past. I do have some experience in theater from when I was much younger, but it is only a more recent pursuit. I know that the piece which I wrote isn't necessarily the best thing in the world, or a great work of literature, but I am also sure they would not have picked a piece they didn't believe had some degree of merit. At the same time, I don't know how it was selected or why, and I have a natural inclination to be a bit negative with that.
What is to be done about such a thing? I don't know, and I am not sure I need to, however, I do need to keep moving forwards in spite of that. I think the answer may lie in the idea that those deserving of the chances are those who do the work, and that I am in control of doing the work. As well, I think that the work is the center of all the rest. The only real reason to stop the work is fear, specifically, at least right now, fear of success.
It is nothing all that new or shocking, of course, "impostor syndrome." It is that sense we all have at times that we are not who people think we are. I often think that many people must have some sense of how to get away from this, because they present so much as people who know what they are talking about, even those who are young or seem less informed. Of course, those who know a little don't realize how little they know. This tends to manifest in the fact that people with very little skill over-estimate their ability while those with greater aptitude under-estimate it.
That duality is maddening, considering it on a personal level: am I the person who knows so little that I think I am actually capable? It is not possible to know in some way. An expert's experience make them a much harsher judge, but they do not see that. The expert sees their knowledge and ability in the context of what they are aware of but have not mastered, and thus do not consider their own expertise as highly as a person of greater learning. So, am I a person who knows something or just a fool who thinks he does? Probably both, really.
Their is no real solution forthcoming for this kind of thing, of course. It is worth remembering it is only natural and most successful individuals deal with it in some way. In response, my only answer is to acknowledge it, and accept that it is a real feeling, and to keep moving through it. It is ironic that small successes of this sort are so jarring, in a way, but I feel that I am making progress, and that is a scary thing. I know that keeping at my work is the real solution, and that is why I need to stop writing this, so I can get to bed and catch up tomorrow.
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