A Writer's Notebook, Day Ninety-Four
Today has been a very positive day for me. First, while I only wrote around 1,500 words, I feel that I have a good grasp on the next chunk of the novel, and that I am well on the way to speeding towards the finish. I see much more to be done in the way this ending is working, and it is about pushing the character towards a certain point that will make him expose his vulnerability. Now, for this character, that is a matter of pushing him to a certain point, and that is what is happening. I have come to recognize what is going to lead to that and am fairly certain of what is going to be the result.
I also see the background of the book that has been unspoken and is coming together as well. Their have been various characters and events that have been building up in the background, and the quiet way the book is assembling has allowed that to happen without my thought. Their is much that is coming to light for me, and it is all going towards a certain point.
This is all quite shocking to me, to be honest, as I had not recognized the elements coming together in the background. It is not a matter of the character in the center of the book, though I have realized things about him as well, but a lot of very subtle elements that are working towards a singular consideration. In some ways, their is an aspect to this all that could feel a bit overdone, if I am not careful, and I want to be certain that I don't allow it to go that far. It needs to be a very subtle thing, even still, though certain elements of it might well need to be a bit more exposed somewhere. It has to be done in a way that allows the reader to fit it all together, I think, but it needs to be present in the story in some ways too.
I think that some aspects will naturally come out. It is a very fine line that has to be drawn with this, as it is necessary for the reader to have an understanding of things that won't be openly shown, and that can work if it is done well. At the end, it has to come together in a way that isn't sentimental or overly done. It has to still have the same weight to it, for the book to really work. The fact of the ending is the shifting of priorities and the recognition of something, but that recognition is not about a hopefulness, really. It is something different and I do not yet understand it. Perhaps that is the point of this book.
As I have said in previous entries, I do feel that this book is deeply connected to personal aspects of my life and experiences, in ways that are not direct or obvious, but are emotionally resonant. I think this is me working my way through certain experiences and crafting them together in a way that I hope is going to be powerful for others. I do not know that it will be, but I feel it has that potential, in a way, if it is done properly. That is the challenge, to get it right. If not in this draft, their is still chance for that.
The thing is, I am not overdoing it, in many ways. What is coming together are things that would connect, and the character is just oblivious (as was I, really). The issue is to not make too fine a point of that. I can easily see that being a problem. At the same time, I feel the fact that I am approaching this from a perspective that is very much about my own emotional process is actually helpful here. It makes sense to me that my own emotions would be real, as I think I am real,, and that seems to be about as far as anyone has gotten to proving whether they are real or not anyhow. The point is, the personal nature of this work, I feel, is something that will help to guide whatever comes through in the book.
I don't know how to explain what I am really learning in writing this book, but it feels very much like a kind of breakthrough, and in a way that is very different. I don't know, as I have said, if this is a good book at this point. I believe it is well written on a textual level, and I think that is really what it needs to make it work at a certain point in this context. By that, I mean that it is not a book that derives much from event and plot, but is more focused on the interior aspects of the character. It is not as much a book driven by plot, but one that is driven by the language itself.
The challenge of this, of course, is that I don't know what is coming in some ways. While I do have a much firmer sense of the entire arch and know many of the events that will be happening, the way that the character gets to the point that I know needs to come is still not clear to me entirely. That is probably good, as I think I may need to allow it to unfold on the pages as I write.
I feel very much that I am doing work that is vulnerable in a way that I haven't explored in fiction before. I don't mean that my other work isn't personal, and doesn't include those elements, because it very much does, but this book is very much different in that what is personal is the journey of emotion that is being created through the work. I have to be able to let myself be raw in order to write this, and that is not particularly easy to do, really. At the same time, what I know is that I will have a piece of work that I am proud of having created, and that I am certain I will be better as both an artist and possibly in other ways, for having done so. I feel very much that what I am learning as I write is as much about myself as it is about writing, and that what is connecting between those two ideas is really something that I have not always found easy to explore so directly.
I also see the background of the book that has been unspoken and is coming together as well. Their have been various characters and events that have been building up in the background, and the quiet way the book is assembling has allowed that to happen without my thought. Their is much that is coming to light for me, and it is all going towards a certain point.
This is all quite shocking to me, to be honest, as I had not recognized the elements coming together in the background. It is not a matter of the character in the center of the book, though I have realized things about him as well, but a lot of very subtle elements that are working towards a singular consideration. In some ways, their is an aspect to this all that could feel a bit overdone, if I am not careful, and I want to be certain that I don't allow it to go that far. It needs to be a very subtle thing, even still, though certain elements of it might well need to be a bit more exposed somewhere. It has to be done in a way that allows the reader to fit it all together, I think, but it needs to be present in the story in some ways too.
I think that some aspects will naturally come out. It is a very fine line that has to be drawn with this, as it is necessary for the reader to have an understanding of things that won't be openly shown, and that can work if it is done well. At the end, it has to come together in a way that isn't sentimental or overly done. It has to still have the same weight to it, for the book to really work. The fact of the ending is the shifting of priorities and the recognition of something, but that recognition is not about a hopefulness, really. It is something different and I do not yet understand it. Perhaps that is the point of this book.
As I have said in previous entries, I do feel that this book is deeply connected to personal aspects of my life and experiences, in ways that are not direct or obvious, but are emotionally resonant. I think this is me working my way through certain experiences and crafting them together in a way that I hope is going to be powerful for others. I do not know that it will be, but I feel it has that potential, in a way, if it is done properly. That is the challenge, to get it right. If not in this draft, their is still chance for that.
The thing is, I am not overdoing it, in many ways. What is coming together are things that would connect, and the character is just oblivious (as was I, really). The issue is to not make too fine a point of that. I can easily see that being a problem. At the same time, I feel the fact that I am approaching this from a perspective that is very much about my own emotional process is actually helpful here. It makes sense to me that my own emotions would be real, as I think I am real,, and that seems to be about as far as anyone has gotten to proving whether they are real or not anyhow. The point is, the personal nature of this work, I feel, is something that will help to guide whatever comes through in the book.
I don't know how to explain what I am really learning in writing this book, but it feels very much like a kind of breakthrough, and in a way that is very different. I don't know, as I have said, if this is a good book at this point. I believe it is well written on a textual level, and I think that is really what it needs to make it work at a certain point in this context. By that, I mean that it is not a book that derives much from event and plot, but is more focused on the interior aspects of the character. It is not as much a book driven by plot, but one that is driven by the language itself.
The challenge of this, of course, is that I don't know what is coming in some ways. While I do have a much firmer sense of the entire arch and know many of the events that will be happening, the way that the character gets to the point that I know needs to come is still not clear to me entirely. That is probably good, as I think I may need to allow it to unfold on the pages as I write.
I feel very much that I am doing work that is vulnerable in a way that I haven't explored in fiction before. I don't mean that my other work isn't personal, and doesn't include those elements, because it very much does, but this book is very much different in that what is personal is the journey of emotion that is being created through the work. I have to be able to let myself be raw in order to write this, and that is not particularly easy to do, really. At the same time, what I know is that I will have a piece of work that I am proud of having created, and that I am certain I will be better as both an artist and possibly in other ways, for having done so. I feel very much that what I am learning as I write is as much about myself as it is about writing, and that what is connecting between those two ideas is really something that I have not always found easy to explore so directly.
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