A Writer's Notebook, Day Ninety-Three
It has been a long and rather exhausting day. I had an event today that I was obligated to attend with my fiance, and I knew that would limit the time I had for writing. I also was aware that Melissa had an appointment this morning, before the event, and that she needed to arrive early at the event itself to help with setup. She had been asked to arrive at around 9, and as my Mother was also going, and is involved with the group that is running it, I asked if she was going over early as well. She agreed to drive Melissa, if I dropped her after her appointment, a plan that gave me ample time to come home and do my work.
Of course, despite all of this, everything went awry. When we arrived at the house to drop Melissa off, I was about to leave so I could come home and get to work, when my Mother asked me to come back in the house. I had explained to her, previously, that I am working on a book, and had expressed that I wanted time to do some work at home before the event. This was why we had asked if she would drive Melissa over. It is also worth noting that my brother is at the house as well. He is somewhat sick, but has been active, going out and doing things. However, he was still in bed this morning.
As soon as I came back in, Mom said that she needed me to stay at the house for a bit, as she had a repairman who would be there "early" and my brother wasn't up yet. I didn't really want to stay, but if I tell my mother this, I would be in the doghouse with her, which is not a good place to be, and thus it was not worth my causing a ruckus. Especially as, I expected that a repairman arriving early would mean before 9 am.
Mom and Melissa went to leave and I ran out to move my car. At this time, I asked my mother about when to expect the repairman, and she said to ask my brother. Of course, my brother becomes irritated that I am bothering him, and yells that they are coming after 9. Now, I had been told the event started at 11, and I would need an hour to get dressed and drive there, so that meant that I would not really have very much time to work. I really felt pretty angry about it, honestly, especially since this kind of thing happens so much, where my family acts like they are supportive of my efforts, but then undermine them. I could, honestly, write a rather long and detailed list going back decades at this point.
I went into the room my brother was in one more time while I was there, and after that left him alone, and sat in the house waiting and doing some stuff on my phone. At some point, my brother got up and screamed at me and yelled that I should leave and the repairman wouldn't be able to do his job, because no one would let him in. At this point, it was around 9:20, and I had not talked to him since well before 9. But he acted like I had dragged him out of bed, and essentially kicked me out of the house.
Once I got home, it was around 9:30, so I figured that I had a few minutes and was getting ready to try to write at least a few minutes, so I could salvage something of the morning, except that I received a call from Melissa that the event didn't start at 11, as I had been told, it was at 10:30. Suddenly, I had to rush to not be late, and didn't have even a moment of time to actually work. On top of that, Melissa informed me that my brother had sent multiple messages badmouthing me and saying I was an asshole and wouldn't leave him alone. I am fairly certain that Mom will believe him about this, of course, and it is really her fault, as she told me to ask him when the repairman was coming, sine she couldn't be bothered to know the answer, apparently.
It felt like my work didn't matter at all. This is not the first time this has happened to me, where I suddenly get told I have to take on a responsibility for something of this sort. I once had my parents call me to drive to a gas station and put air in their tire for them. That was before my father passed, and he was ill at the time, so I kind of let it slide, despite how ridiculous it was. In this case, though, I am really more upset at the disrespect to my work. I had planned my day so I could go to the event feeling I had already accomplished something, and that was made impossible. That is something that really ruins my day for me. Not only in terms of my mood, as I feel much better when I know I have already achieved part of my day's work, but also because I find that I write more when I start earlier.
When I set to work in the morning, it gets my brain engaged, so that even when I walk away, the wheels are turning, and when I go back to work, ideas are already waiting for me. That is one reason that I like to do my work both in the morning and at night, which I know is unusual for many writers. For me, the morning work is important, not in terms of the output, but because it gets me thinking and I can trust that I will keep working on the book in the background until I sit down again to write when I have time later.
This afternoon, after the event, I attempted to get some work done, but was not able to go much further than a couple hundred words. I took a break, then went back to work but still found it not coming. After dinner, I again tried to work, but it was still not flowing. I eventually got to around a 1000 words for the day, which is well below my general target, but I do feel that the work I got done was good. What is upsetting is that I feel I could have had a very successful day, but this morning undermined that . Not only was it the actual disruption to the work, but the emotional state that I was thrown into by having it made clear to me that my work schedule does not matter to my family, if it is inconvenient.
Of course, despite all of this, everything went awry. When we arrived at the house to drop Melissa off, I was about to leave so I could come home and get to work, when my Mother asked me to come back in the house. I had explained to her, previously, that I am working on a book, and had expressed that I wanted time to do some work at home before the event. This was why we had asked if she would drive Melissa over. It is also worth noting that my brother is at the house as well. He is somewhat sick, but has been active, going out and doing things. However, he was still in bed this morning.
As soon as I came back in, Mom said that she needed me to stay at the house for a bit, as she had a repairman who would be there "early" and my brother wasn't up yet. I didn't really want to stay, but if I tell my mother this, I would be in the doghouse with her, which is not a good place to be, and thus it was not worth my causing a ruckus. Especially as, I expected that a repairman arriving early would mean before 9 am.
Mom and Melissa went to leave and I ran out to move my car. At this time, I asked my mother about when to expect the repairman, and she said to ask my brother. Of course, my brother becomes irritated that I am bothering him, and yells that they are coming after 9. Now, I had been told the event started at 11, and I would need an hour to get dressed and drive there, so that meant that I would not really have very much time to work. I really felt pretty angry about it, honestly, especially since this kind of thing happens so much, where my family acts like they are supportive of my efforts, but then undermine them. I could, honestly, write a rather long and detailed list going back decades at this point.
I went into the room my brother was in one more time while I was there, and after that left him alone, and sat in the house waiting and doing some stuff on my phone. At some point, my brother got up and screamed at me and yelled that I should leave and the repairman wouldn't be able to do his job, because no one would let him in. At this point, it was around 9:20, and I had not talked to him since well before 9. But he acted like I had dragged him out of bed, and essentially kicked me out of the house.
Once I got home, it was around 9:30, so I figured that I had a few minutes and was getting ready to try to write at least a few minutes, so I could salvage something of the morning, except that I received a call from Melissa that the event didn't start at 11, as I had been told, it was at 10:30. Suddenly, I had to rush to not be late, and didn't have even a moment of time to actually work. On top of that, Melissa informed me that my brother had sent multiple messages badmouthing me and saying I was an asshole and wouldn't leave him alone. I am fairly certain that Mom will believe him about this, of course, and it is really her fault, as she told me to ask him when the repairman was coming, sine she couldn't be bothered to know the answer, apparently.
It felt like my work didn't matter at all. This is not the first time this has happened to me, where I suddenly get told I have to take on a responsibility for something of this sort. I once had my parents call me to drive to a gas station and put air in their tire for them. That was before my father passed, and he was ill at the time, so I kind of let it slide, despite how ridiculous it was. In this case, though, I am really more upset at the disrespect to my work. I had planned my day so I could go to the event feeling I had already accomplished something, and that was made impossible. That is something that really ruins my day for me. Not only in terms of my mood, as I feel much better when I know I have already achieved part of my day's work, but also because I find that I write more when I start earlier.
When I set to work in the morning, it gets my brain engaged, so that even when I walk away, the wheels are turning, and when I go back to work, ideas are already waiting for me. That is one reason that I like to do my work both in the morning and at night, which I know is unusual for many writers. For me, the morning work is important, not in terms of the output, but because it gets me thinking and I can trust that I will keep working on the book in the background until I sit down again to write when I have time later.
This afternoon, after the event, I attempted to get some work done, but was not able to go much further than a couple hundred words. I took a break, then went back to work but still found it not coming. After dinner, I again tried to work, but it was still not flowing. I eventually got to around a 1000 words for the day, which is well below my general target, but I do feel that the work I got done was good. What is upsetting is that I feel I could have had a very successful day, but this morning undermined that . Not only was it the actual disruption to the work, but the emotional state that I was thrown into by having it made clear to me that my work schedule does not matter to my family, if it is inconvenient.
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