Would That I Might

I had every intention of making today a better day in terms of my work schedule, but it was not to be.  For once, it was actually a result of outside influences, and not my own choices.  I spent the morning, from 7:30  or so until nearly noon, driving my Mother around, and then had to deal with a home repair for the rest of the day.  I am hoping that tomorrow will be more conducive to getting work done during the day.

It Is All Blank Nothing is painted upon the walls inside my mind tonight, but even these empty rooms are worth exploring.

Well, I am still stuck in the same pattern.  I have to be up early tomorrow, so that may provide an opportunity for me to get myself working earlier.  I am still getting my work done, but I know that getting back to my regular schedule would still make a positive difference.

I Hear You Asking if I am happy with this, but experiences proves that expressing an actual opinion will only prove that I am never happy and just want to upset you.

The vicious cycle of working late keeps striking.  Tomorrow morning.  Generally this has resulted in my not writing in the morning.  I need to shift this pattern, but doing so is not as easy as wanting to do so.  Why is it so difficult to get back my old schedule?  It seems even harder than building the habit was in the first place.

Tomorrow Night they promise fireworks everyone is excited, consider the disappointment of the rain storms they have forecast for the coming evening.

It is still proving diffiacult to get myself back in my old groove.  Today was a rough day in other ways, which not only took my motivation but also made me feel a bit justified slacking off.  But I did my work, and it is far earlier than last night, so that feels like progress, even if it is imperfect.

We Are Not Fools We know the attributes of a human being have a definition of what a person is, and we will not waiver, even if you claim you are one, you have only one eye, how can you claim to be human to us, you must think we are stupid.

I am still having difficulty reestablishing my schedule.  I really just need to force myself to get to work early in the say, but I am finding it hard to manage myself right now.  What is the block I am facing around this?  I feel a sense of fear about it at times, but Indo not know what it is I am afraid of...

Striking The Match A magician once tossed me a matchbox and asked me to light one.  I had not volunteered, was not read for the request.  I was not experienced with striking matches and being uncoordinated, I could not get it to work.  He looked at me from the stage, annoyed, made a joke about me.  I know it was only his need to keep the show going, he did not intend anything, but I was wounded enough to go out and buy a whole box for myself, to practice so I might never feel that again, at least not over an unlit flame.

Well, I failed to get to work in the morning and wound up back where I have been, which is why this is being posted so late tonight.  In part, I know this is a reaction to my current mood.  Melissa is out of town for I don't know how long, and I really miss her.  Especially without Ulysses, who I also miss a great deal when I am here alone.  It sort of saps my motivation at times, but I am not going to let myself slide backwards.  While I am not yet back into my usual groove, I am still writing each day and keeping up with my daily commitment matters.  If I were slipping on that, I would be in real trouble.

Honest to A Fault I would like to tell you it was a pleasure, but I do not lie, it would be wrong to lie, no, I cannot tell you anything but the truth, though I know you care and will be hurt and it is not your fault that I did not enjoy this. It makes me feel terrible to say it was no pleasure at all, but I am committed to the truth, even when telling it pains me, knowing it will cause you pain, pains me, but it is a sacrifice I am willing to make.

To those of you celebrating, merry Christmas.  Though it is late, I did get most of my work done in the morning.  I am finding it is still a bit difficult to get back into the habit of writing in the morning.  I allowed myself to slack off a bit in that regard, and I reestablishing the habit is difficult.  In many ways, when I think about it, though, I was quite successful this morning, as I wrote the of the twelve poems I had intended.  I need to recognize that.  It is very easy for me to bog myself down looking for perfection, but perhaps I would be less inclined to slack odd if I relaxed some of that pressure.

A Pattern of Destruction This morning, the television fell from its perch, breaking its screen; this afternoon, I dropped a glass jar, shattered it, lost the contents; tonight, what will be destroyed?  I am certain this will continue, though, I admit, it may only be my certainty that makes it continue.

I started work earlier today, but I am still up working late tonight.  I have to push myself to really get back on track.  It is really not great for me to be up so late each night.

Through The Closet We lived once in an apartment with a long closet that opened on each end, a narrow hall in which our shirts and pants and coats all hung.  I was little enough to want only to play in it, to imagine passing through a magical portal from one world to another. I knew the power of strange doors even then.  My mother only saw the trouble of rehanging all our garments in that tight space.

I did not get to work in the morning, but I still managed to write my twelve poems in the afternoon, and then wrote a few more after dinner.  I am hoping to get more on task tomorrow, as I may have to go out early, and may be able to take a bit of time at a coffee bar to do some work.  In any case, I am moving in the right direction with my schedule, even if a bit at a time.

It Is Embarassing for Me standing here waiting for a different chair, it is how I feel, it does not matter that you think no one cares why I want or might need a different seat, perhaps you are right that no one is thinking that I am too fat for that chair, but I feel obvious, on display, even if irrational, it is how I feel.  The embarrassment is enough without needing to justify my feeling.

I failed, once more, to get work done earlier in the evening, but I think I have a better plan for tomorrow.  Instead of waiting to write the bulk of my poems at night, I will start the day writing twelve poems, then will write a few in the evening before posting here.  I think that will break my cycle, and get things back on a regular schedule, but I need to try and get what sleep I can first, so I will ne awake to do anything tomorrow.

Lesson Oh, good, you already have your heart out, it is time to take it apart, to observe the beating thing that it is.  Feel it pulse against your hand. It does not rush, not now, it rests now, knows the safety of your touch.

So, as I mentioned, today it was my birthday today, so I didn't get on schedule.  I did get my writing done, in spite of a hectic day, but I am hoping that I can push myself to get back on track tomorrow.  I think a large part of it is getting myself up to my office again, but my ankle is still a mess and I have found it difficult to climb the stairs.  A few times, I did that and regretted it after, as I had wuote a bit of pain later and wound up not being able to get around all that easily afterwards.  In the end, that I am writing each day is the most important thing, and I have been keeping to that, but I know it is easier to maintain that when Inhave a better routine.

I Forgot to Call not that I wanted to call you, if I am honest.  I did not want to call, but I was going to anyway, I just was waiting to do it, because I wanted to avoid it, but I was not going to ignore your call forever, but then I did forget.  Really, I forgot, and now it has been too long, you cannot still be expecting my call, it is too long ago already.

I dropped Melissa off at the airport tonight, so I am now home alone.  I am hoping that it will be a good chance to make some changes in order to get back on schedule.  Tonight, I had a bit of a late one again, but I finished my work.  Tomorrow (wrll, technically now) is my birthday, and I may be busy, so it may not be until Saturday that I start getting things in order.   For now, though, I am getting to bed.

Listen, It Will Be Easy I would not even bother asking you at all if it were not so small a thing.  You won't have any problems if you help, no, it will be easy. I would do it myself, really, I would.  I am not asking you so I don't have to do it, is what I am saying.  It is easy, it will not have any repercussions for you, and of course you know you can trust me.

I am going to keep this quite short tonight, as Melissa is leaving town tomorrow and I want to get to bed so we can spend a little time together in the morning.  I did my work for tonight, as usual, but I still need to work on getting back on schedule.  I don't feel at my best working so late.

You Want to Stay Awake so we may go to bed together, when I am done with my writing tonight. I know you mean it as a form of support, that you endorse my efforts, see the value of my dedication, but I cannot help feeling guilty that you are waiting. What you intend one way can easily disrupt me.

I was strongly tempted to quit on my work tonight.  I thought about just stopping early and finishing after I get to bed, but I kept going.  I am exhausted tonight, but I did my work.  That commitment is something I did not always have, which is one reason I always feel it is worth celebrating.

She Looks You in The Eye After it happens she looks you in the eye.  She knows you saw him do it, but you do nothing, refuse even to keep her gaze.

Today was another slow day for me in terms of my writing, but I do think I might have an idea for a story.  I am hoping I will find myself getting to work on it in the next few days, but I need to do that on the computer, not my phone.  I think that will be good for me in general, and may help to get me back into my groove again.

Thank You For Calling Unfortunately, there is no one here at customer service who can help you to resolve your issue or answer any questions about the problem or explain why it is occurring, or if it can be resolved and when.  No, that is beyond us, but we can listen. Isn't it nice we care enough to listen, to make you feel heard?

Despite my best intentions, I went the wrong direction and am working at almost half past four in the morning.  But, I am glad to know I still have this same commitment.  Still, I need to get myself onto a better schedule.  Anyhow, it is good to be done at this point so I can get some sleep.

have been another person, maybe I chose this, but now, it is who I am, the flaws, the virtues, they are here today, but who is it I will choose to become for tomorrow?

Well, I failed to get back on schedule, but I know that writing about it here is a good way to push myself to act.  It has worked many times with writing related tasks in the past.  I need to get the structure back in my work life, though I am still writing.  Having a regiment helped me to get to this point and I know I do better within that kind of structure.

You Ask Me Why If I explained it, you would not understand, would lose sympathy, would judge me, my feelings, my actions and reactions. It is always what you do, when I explain myself it is an opportunity for you to point out just how wrong you know I am.

I really need to get my schedule back on track.  I am not getting to work until too late, when I am exhausted and just want to get to bed.  That I don't give in to that desire is meaningful, but it is not particularly conducive to doing my best work. Not to mention that, usually, by the time I am done with my other work and writing my blog entry, I am so exhausted that I wind up writing a short, functionary entry like this one.

I Had An Idea before, but I must have left it someplace, let it slip on the floor at the coffee bar or the pharmacy. I should go back, retrace my way through the day in reverse until I find it.  I hope it is still there, that I cam find it, that no one else discovers it first.

It is yet again quite late.  Though I am getting accustomed to the phone as a writing implement, I am not much faster on it, and still face many small frustrations.  I have just learned not to be upset by them, to keep going, but it is not truly easier.  I need to get myself back to writing upstairs, and I really should start working in the morning on a regular basis again.  I have been keeping up with the work, but it still matters, if only because it helps me to focus on the work at the start of my day, not only at the end.

Silent Partner It is the ones who say they do not wish to be involved, who deny any responsibility, who refuse to acknowledge that not taking a side is only an excuse, who refuse to help, they are the ones I fear more, they are the ones who allow it all to happen, who give tacit permission for others to be mistreated, while saying it is nothing to do with them.

We keep losing power tonight.  It does not seem to be staying off long, but it has gone put at least four times in the last twenty minutes.  It is a bit distracting, especially since I can't really write by hand, but it does make me glad, for once, to be stuck writing on my phone and not in my office, as it is less of a disturbance this way.  Even with a battery to prevent the machine from just crashing during an outage, I would be frantic to shut the machine down before the backup lost its power.

I Will Just Say Everything Is Fine I will not explain to you what has upset me, what you have done that caused such harm, because it will only hurt worse to tell you and hear you say  how silly it is for me to be upset about something like that.

December tenth is a difficult day for me, as it is not only the date of my Father's birthday, but also that of my late teacher, Thomas Lux, who passed about a year after my father.  I don't really have the energy to put out much of a post tonight, honestly, especially after having pressed myself to do the rest of my work.

Honoring The Dead Teach me to keep alive the love for those I have lost without it filling the void in my heart with the pain of their absence.

I am going to keep this really short, as it is late and I am exhausted, but I did get my work done.  I am not yet back on a regular schedule, and am still not using my office very much due to my ankle, but I am keeping up the pace of my writing despite it all.  I can't believe, at times, that I am able to maintain this discipline, which is one reason I always feel it is worth celebrating the.feat of doing the same thing I was doing yesterday once more.

I Turned to Go Back but the forest had grown, trees had fallen or sprouted, the old path I had travelled to hear could not be followed any longer, could never be used to go back once again.

It has been another long day, and I am rather worn after having done my writing, so I am going to keep this short again.  It feels like another day when just getting the work done is a big accomplishment.  In all honesty, if I were less dedicated, I would probably have gotten to bed an hour ago.

They Named It thinking it would be easier to confront when there was a word for it, but they were wrong, the naming gave it form, made it more than it had been before when it was still too nebulous to be summoned or even mentioned.

I had a very productive day, as I attended an excellent workshop with Julie Marie Wade, then had the added pleasure of spending the evening with my friend Freesia McKee.  The workshop was quite inspiring and has me thinking about many new ideas, but I am not ready to begin unpacking them yet.  Still, my work this evening was definitely impacted for the better by the class, and I expect I will come back to discussing some of the concepts in short order.

He Is So Glad to Be Praised called intelligent, charming, worthy, he does not notice the qualities of his complimenters, does not see that they lack each quality they bestow, are not even fit to notice these, nor does he ask, not even to himself, why they want to charm him so.

Keeping up with my writing is sometimes hard these days.  Part of this is because I am not getting quality sleep at the moment, so I have been quite tired and sometimes need to force myself to stay up and work.  The fact is, though, I am keeping up with my goals for how much to write.  In the end, I know that it what I have to focus on for myself to keep motivated.  Knowing that I have been working like this, that I have been able to maintain my writing practice gives me a sense of progress, even when I am stressed or worried about other things.

A New Year is so arbitrary, it should not matter, should make no difference at all, but I cannot help myself from hoping it will be a different year in many ways.

I am going to keep tonight's entry short.  I am exhausted and need to be up early tomorrow.  Indeed, I have been nodding off a  bit trying to write tonight, but I got my work finished, though I am dragging.  Now, though, I can actually see about getting a bit of sleep.

Around Again You do not see your impact, I never know what I have done to you.  We dance this way, circle each other, but do not change the steps.  Always, must we be making these same steps?

One of the more difficult aspects of writing, I find, is keeping optimistic through rejection.  My approach is largely to work at feeling fulfilled by doing the work, but it does not work entirely.  For one thing, there is a level at which work does not feel completed without an audience.  My intent is always to write for a reader, and the work is only half about what I have put on the page.  I consider the reader as a partner, the work as inert until it is read.  The building up of work that is unpublished, then, can be a bit frustrating. As well, in the context of repeated rejection, that large amount of work can seem mocking.  All of this, I think at dark times, and what have I to show for it?  I have a great many rejections, and very few acceptances at the moment.  I hope that will change, but it is easy to feel dejected. The only thing I can really control, in the end, though, is if I keep writing and sending out work.  I believe in ...

Unexpected Storm This seemed a massive ship, but to the ocean, even this is nothing great, can be flitted about like nothing in such stormy waters as we have found ourselves passing through.  We may be swallowed up, pulled deep into the dark world beneath the surface. We took this journey, thought ourselves ready for what we might find, but we did not know what to prepare for. Only one who has taken the journey already would imagine what might come.

I am back on the phone tonight, and will likely keep this short as it is quite late already.  I did manage to do some work earlier in the say, but I decided that I am going to keep my evening effort at the same level, even as I begin adding back more work earlier in my day.  I am not yet worrying about getting a regular morning routine back.  Honestly, a morning routine is a bit upsetting at present, as it began our of the need to get up and give Ulysses his morning medicine and breakfast.  With his death, waking can feel quite empty.  I am, however, working back towards it, and I feel.extremely good about how my current habits are working out, though, as I have said, they are not ideal.

Trust The Idea Inside the mind, an image, out of focus, fragmented.  Not yet ready, it is easy to see some of it, tempting to push, but it is better to wait, it can only became what it is meant to be with time, must be allowed to grow into itself, to reveal its truth when it is ready. Rush and it will be impossible to know just what was lost.

I am in my office for once.  I cannot be certain I will make it up each day, at the moment, but I am here right now, and I wrote all of my work on the computer tonight as well.  It is nice to be back on the computer, even with a different keyboard, but I am getting accustomed to the phone.  It is still not a great way for me to compose, but it does liberate me in some regards.  I am far slower writing on the phone, and it also requires many additional steps after writing, as I need to reformat each piece into a document on my computer, as I tend to just do them in one long email that I send to myself.  It is likely that I can find other solutions on the phone, if I want, but I am always worried about starting with a new system for things like this, especially now that I am able to do the work this way.  Transitioning to different interfaces is not a simple matter for me, so I am not going to mess with it right now. I also wound up writing an extra poem to...

It Takes So Much to Start but it is easier after.  In math we see it: multiply zero by two, nothing happens, but just add an amount, add one, only one, once you are at one, two times that is easy to make into two and four. From nothing, the effort has to be so much greater, must be absolute, not relative, their is nothing to relate with.  Once it begins, though, then it is simple to keep moving, to add speed, power, force, it is much easier, but first, you must start.

One of my major interests as writer is attempting to do things that are new, to press myself to do things in my work that I don't know I have seen done before, especially in terms of the technical aspects of the work.  At times, this kind of work is easily dismissed.  I am certain that many of poems do, indeed, fail, if I am honest, but even among those that are, by my measure, successful, poems I have shown to trusted readers and had positive responses, poems I have read out and received very positive responses to, even these works are often dismissed by an editor.  I have had work that was praised by those I know dismissed with rather harsh critique, for example, suggesting I have no idea about writing a poem in the first place.  The truth is, I know I have talent, and I am certain that there are other poems which these same editors might respond to, though I can't guess which.  But, the deeper issue is balancing the criticism with my own internal compass, for...

Before You Journey, You Should Know No one knows how long that path will take you, it is not the same path for any two who take it.  What you will encounter, what is on that path, if there are detours that are just for you. It can take more or less time, can be hard, or harder than that, rarely is it ever easy for anyone, but it can be easier for one than another.  No one can say what you will find, if you will ever reach the end, but it is the only path we know that will lead you there.