Would That I Might

I continued work on that short story and feel that it is starting to have a real shape.  It is still hiding a great deal, but it seems to be playing with that in an interesting way.  The center of the story is about the character dealing with the fallout from something, and their is an assumption that the reader already knows that context, but the focus is not actually on what happened in specific, it is off in another direction, with the unwillingness of the character to be direct about what happened being a central focus of the story itself.  I feel very much that I am discovering this story as it continues, though I have a sense of the ending, and feel it may be rather grim, but I am having a great deal of fun writing it and am excited to see where it ends up going, with new ideas coming to me that I am eager to begin working on tomorrow.  I hope it will work when I am done, and that it might be a story that is also relevant.  It is not clear to me how it is ...

More Might Be Missing It was later, when he left the house that they asked if he noticed the couch and chairs were gone, and he did not notice, was not certain at all, but why bother looking? He went off, did nothing, mentioned it to others who would not look either, because it was agreed, in unspoken agreement, it was best to be uncertain.

I was able to get myself to work at an earlier hour today and even finished my first session of poems rather early.  As well, I was able to get myself to work on some fiction, though I am not yet certain about the story I am writing.  I have a strong sense of most everything about it but the plot, which is somewhat perplexing, but I think the beginning that I worked on today is leading in a good direction.  In some ways, it may be that not knowing the specifics I am thinking of is part of the game of this story, but I am not certain yet.  I am still just following the impulse that began it, and I am rather pleased at this point.  I'm going to work on it again tomorrow, of course, and hope it will begin to move in a direction with a bit more shape to it.  In any case, I feel glad to be moving forward with my work in the ways that I can.  I am still rather frustrated with the difficulties I am having getting work out there, and I am not certain what to d...

Making It, I Did Not Know I just began to do it, picked up this or that to put together in ways that fit or seemed the ways that should be  for whatever it was, but there was no sense of what it was becoming, if that had been clear... but it was not, I did not see what was coming together, was just making a thing, with no intent, not at all, anything else is an accident and no one can blame me, no, it was never anything that had meaning, I just made it, how can it be my fault when I was just making it and did not think of that or consider it at all?

I want to begin work on some short stories this week.  I am still considering my next novel, but I have a few story ideas that have cropped up and I feel they are worth pursuing.  In order to do that, I need to alter my writing habits to get work done earlier, and am pursuing that, but it is hard   A lot of the time I am still not getting enough done during the day, am leaving most of the work until the evening, which is a a bad habit that perpetuates itself by keeping me awake late.  I need to alter my habits, but it may be that the best way is to make the commitment to start work tomorrow on some fiction.  I have the start of a story in my head that I think will be fun and fast to write, so I am going to start it tomorrow, no matter what my writing is going like otherwise.  The worst that happens, I am stuck awake way too late yet again.

Rules Well, yes, we do need rules, need them to make certain that things are done or not done depending on what is best, and many would never know what is right or wrong, could not decide at all, would be lost without rules, how could they operate if it were not said to act this way is proper, to do those things is forbidden.  It is important to have rules, for those people it is important, but we are better than that, we know what to do, are strong enough to make choices for ourselves, even the rules we make are always for others to follow.

I feel that I am making some progress in my work, and am working on some new projects that I find exciting, including getting a new chapbook prepared to send out, and sending out a few short stories.  I've grown accustomed to the work being rejected, but I am hoping that my fiction will find a positive reception.  I feel that my fiction is, in a way, more unique than my poetry, though that does not express what I mean.  I think it is more that my work in fiction has different interests and parameters than most contemporary work.  In poetry, there is a greater freedom, and so the work tends to be wilder, or at least one can find that work, while fiction is often more restrained.  This can be a function of the industry as much as of the work being produced, of course, but I am hoping that the work I am doing has non-traditional qualities that are appealing to editors.  Of course, it is also possible, indeed it is likely, that the work will be rejected out of ...

This Again, But More What was before is never enough again, it must be more or what is the point, what was already was this much, if all that can happen is the same, that is failure, no matter how much it was, there must be more, and do not worry what it will take, do not worry, it has been shown how much could be achieved, it was wonderful, but it is not enough and if that could be done it is certain, more can come too, and that must happen, is needed, or is that all, should it end with the failure of having been incapable of doing any better than what was (once) a triumph?

I am again thinking about the balance between my own interests and being conscious of, and active towards, the larger needs that exist in the world.  This is a direct concern for me in my pursuit as a writer, and is brought to the forefront in considering my issues getting work published.  I know that the publishing industry is biased and needs to diversify, and I recognize that, in many ways, I am not a representative of those changes.  At the same time, for me to sit back and not work towards building my career as a published author is not a sacrifice I can make.  How can I help anyone if I am not taking care of myself?  But, is my want to succeed in this capacity, when it is not a physical need, an overly selfish perspective?  In truth, I know how I would feel about myself if I were not pursuing my goals as a writer, and even if I were to choose to stop in some part of an effort to step aside for other voices, I would always believe it was quitting and w...

It Is Delicious when boiled, broiled steamed, fried(deep or pan), smothered, or stewed, can be served in sauce or as a sauce, prepared in savory or sweet applications, but do not eat it raw: there is a madness born out of tasting it in such pure form, the flavor is too much for any mind.  Even when you cut the flesh to cook with, do not lick your fingers, no, even that is unwise.

I have managed to get my work finished at a reasonable hour for once, and am hoping to learn from this.  I had barely any sleep last night, and tomorrow is going to be an early day again, which makes it good that I can get to bed at a not too unreasonable hour tonight.  I am still wanting to get to work on some fiction soon.  I have that idea for the one novel and thoughts for what I think is probably just a story that I want to work on first, and I know that in order to do that work while maintaining the rest of my efforts, I need to work on organizing my time better.

Better Conditions Are Unnecessary It is easy to begin now, to stand and stretch in preparation, to begin: that can be done, is not restricted by these conditions, though they are not perfect, the flaws will only matter if the mind endows them with the power to be an obstacle.

Well, it is approaching dawn and I am only getting done with my work now.  It is not a good habit and I need to change it, especially since I have stuff that I need to be awake for early in the next few days, but I am committed to the work and am not going to allow myself to excuse slacking off.

I Am Certain It Must Be Found Was it there before or was it never there and just a thought that seemed solid or was it someplace but not there and if it was there or in some other place is it still about but in some other place or is it gone altogether, and if it never was there and was not in another place m but was not at all instead, what caused it to be so clear that hearing that makes it more important it be found, and clearer that it will be.

For a period of at least a month, I have been finding a certain pattern repeating which is rather strange.  Each Sunday night/ Monday morning, at some time close to 2 in the morning, I receive a rejection from a journal   It is consistent.  I said something to Melissa about expecting one last night, well before it appeared in my inbox at 2:30.  I find this quite strange, not to mention that it is a bit hard to feel that an editor respects your work when you cannot help but imagine them cramming the time to send out form rejection letters late on a weekend night.  I would imagine that some of this is a result of editors working from home, as a result of the pandemic, but am I wrong to think that sending emails during business hours or at least on business days might corroborate the expressions of respect for the work being rejected?

Hold That in The Other Hand and keep the arm  well behind you so no one sees  that it is present, keep it until there is reason to make it known or no reason left for it to remain secret, but be certain of any determination and know that each condition requires that understanding dictate your actions.

Father's day is hard for me, this year in particular.  First, I cannot help but feel the absence of my own father, who passed away in 2016.  It is not as though Father's Day itself was ever of great meaning in our relationship, but it is still a day full of reminders that he is gone.  As well, I cannot help but think of Ulysses, not that I ever considered myself a father, but Melissa would make certain Ulysses "gave me" at least a card, and so there is that as well.  So, I am feeling it today, but I did manage to get my work done, and I am glad for that.

He Set It in Motion crafted the shapes and curves, carved it all from the darkness, then, when it had begun he left others, went off, for other work, to new challenges, while others came who maintained, expanded, made certain it would remain, but he had thought to return, had tinkered with how to turn what had been there in new directions, turned away those who had taken up the work to make alterations that would not allow any other vision.

It has been another late night, though a bit earlier than many I have had in the past week or so.  I am glad to be done with my work for today, and I feel that I am doing good work, or at least am finding myself engaged with real issues.  I think that, for a long time I was always working from a perspective that focused on a certain relationship to the work that was somewhat anesthetic, in that I kept a distance of a sort, but in the past several years I have learned to push beyond that, and recent work feels to be going farther in that direction as well.

What Has Been Taken is over, will not return, and there is nothing that will alter this, no mending  for what is turn, their is repair to be made, but it is not to heal this, it is to cure the deeper illness.

It is another very late night, a d I am going to keep this short.  I am feeling quite worn at the moment, but I am keeping up with my writing, and have been continuing to work on submissions.  It is still rather frustrating that I have not been able to place any of work at the moment, and I am not certain what to do that will help me deal with this, and I feel guilty focusing on those concerns considering the larger issues in the world.  I keep thinking of the Hillel quote, "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?"

It Can Be Fixed It is not difficult, it has been done often enough, has been the approach whenever important interests appeared to be threatened. Do not worry, but look closer at what is wanted, consider the complaints, decide the core of the demands, and then construct a response with great care so no one will notice it does not address the real issues at all, make it impossible to notice it is intended, instead, to reinforce what has been and not to alter it at all.

In working to become a better writer, one question that is important to me is what I want my work to be in the world.  I do not mean in the sense of success, but rather what impact I hope a piece of writing can have on an individual who reads it.  For me, this is often a complicated issue, since much of my interest is in creating work that is not traditional and which is intended to be somewhat experiential, but of late, much of my concern has been about what values I bring to my writing, what biases I carry that I may not even be aware of.  As well, I have to consider if an image I am using has other meanings I am not considering, or which may be sneaking in from someplace, even if I did not understand it at first.   This does drive me to be more creative at times, but I know there is more.  I need to bring these aspects of my own awareness into my work, but in ways that still feel authentic to me.

Not What You Need to Say It does not seem that what it is you are saying is about what you seem to be saying it is about, you are not being honest: what is it at the root? You are using whatever is before you as the center because you will not look towards the truth of what is behind all these things you believe you are speaking of.

I am going to keep this short, since it has taken me until three to get my work done and I need to get to bed.  I need to adjust my sleep habits, and that will mean getting better at doing my work earlier. 

You Have Considered The Problems are prepared, I know, with plans and solutions based on data and with practical, implementable steps and goals that can be measured, but I am not certain if it is ready, if making these changes will work well, if it can handle the way things can be in the real world, like if all our wallets are stolen by goblins or their is a group of bats who decide to set fire to nursing homes. You need to have answers for these and many other possibilities, but you have not considered even the possiblity of the earthworms and moths joining forces, or the grass deciding it would rather be another color.

I am not always certain how to take action, though I have been educating myself of late.  I am not talking about the larger actions we are seeing now, but the more all encompassing daily actions that it is important to confront.  For me, one of the most important parts of this is in attempting to make certain that I support economic entities that are owned by people of color, and also, perhaps more importantly, attempt to influence the entities I am involved with to contract with businesses owned by diverse communities.  In all honesty, I find it difficult at times to raise this issue myself, because of my own ethnicity, and because I do not have a great deal of clout in many of the places I am speaking of.  I believe strongly that it is important for change to happen at a level that requires the integration of our society on an economic level as well as in the other ways we are speaking about.  This is not simply because it will help to create avenues for great...

It Had Only Been Loaned was handed over to be used, but it was never given, though it was held for a long time, was not thought of as conditional, would not be given back, no, even to say it should be given back, to suggest it should not be used this way or by those who wielded it. It was theirs now, it was right it should be, they were certain, would do what was necessary to protect their beliefs.

I have always felt that it is important, as a writer, to engage with the world and with  important issues such as those we are struggling with in this nation right now.  I am often afraid to exclude readers, not because I am unwilling to be straightforward or to express an opinion, but because my goal is to communicate, and to cannot speak to a person who has walked away.  I would rather be able to reach people who do not agree with me, and to, perhaps, make them consider some ideas and perspectives that they had not considered.  I believe that often this can be done nimby removing aspects of the context while allowing the structure to remain in tact.  This is, of course, essential in all metaphor, but it is often done in ways that are intended to be transparent.  In my approach, I want to leave a space for the reader to process the ideas in the abstract.  It is my goal to allow the perspectives and understandings in the metaphor to be understood witho...

Remember How Easy It Is Not to Notice that it was possible for so long not to pay attention to what has always been there, to see that ignorance was made easy, to see that it is important it be made easy, be made natural and normal to not see it, to put it aside for others to worry about, because it is much easier for it to continue when it is not observed, because, as well, of what it does to those whose pain is made invisible.

I am still in the process of making plans for the new novel that I have been talking about recently.  I am focused, right now, on certain aspects of the larger plot arc.  I want the structure of the plot and the journey it depicts to serve as the backbone for the central allegory I want to work into the book.  I have discussed the approach I often take towards serious issues in my work, which is to attempt to reflect them but outside their context, so that the normal.biases a reader brings can be disarmed.  As I said, the center of this book is about a haunted house, and I want to have that house be a character in the story, the central character of it.  To me, the house has a real journey from being a loved home to being abandoned and, as this continues, a place that is dilapidated and has become terrifying, a place that is hateful.  Their is more in this, but I want to build the story so that the reader empathizes with the house and understands, and I thi...

I Want to Ask but am I the one who should or is it better for it to be someone else? But it should be asked and I cannot say if it will be unless I am the one, but what if it is not even the right question? It may be misguided or disruptive, if it is worth asking, it will be asked... But, no one has asked yet, and it may be it is the wrong question, but to not ask, to not say anything, what does that say instead?

I have been focusing on keeping my focus here on my work, but of late, I have seen so many people turning silent, and it is clear that many of them were responding solely because of the social pressure, but have not continued.  My choice to focus on my work here was largely an attempt to maintain a space for that.  Much of the thinking and action I am taking in my own life is not anything I feel comfortable just speaking about here at the moment, because I am still educating myself and coming to an understanding of things, but I also realize the callousness that it can communicate. I do not know that I need this as a space where I can discuss my work, but it is not possible to have any platform without crying out right now.  I live in a nation where citizens live, daily, under fear because of the existential threat that even a minor encounter with the law represents, and that is only the top of a much longer blade.  To not speak now, to not act, no, I cannot be that ...

It Is Not Clear What Path we are walking, and just where it will lead: to the roadside or town, or is it taking us into deep wilderness? There is no way to say it is safe, to predict what dangers may find us, the only thing that is clear is that we have no choice but to continue either way.

I am in much the same place as last night, though further along with my thoughts on the novel that I am conceiving.  I can explain a bit, though it is, once more, quite strange.  I am thinking that the book will be organized in a way that uses the space of the house in place of time, so the reader is touring through the house in a way and events are presented temporally based on where they occur.  The idea does not, I am certain, make much sense, but that is also a result of the fact that it is still not clear to me how this will function.  I need to work on plotting the overall story, as well as the various stories which make it up, and I think I am beginning to see the larger arc of the plot, and am also more aware of the allegory that underlies this.  I am also starting to see the resolution of the story and where it needs to arrive.  I think I will need to spend a bit of time working on the larger plot, then I think it will be easier for me to create th...

It Is Not Enough to be better within, though that must be, it is no good  to dismiss what is inside, but necessity is not sufficiency, what is it you will do to change that which you are in the world outside of that which exists within? What ways shall you engage the need to be more than you have been in ways that impact more than you and your own?

I am quite exhausted tonight.  First, I have been up late a lot with my writing this week, and have had a fair amount to do besides, but it is also just the exhaustion of so much that has been happening in the world and personally.  I am glad that I am done with my writing for tonight so I can get a bit of sleep, and hope that I can also get work done earlier tomorrow.

What We Measure and which units we use is nothing so inert as it seems, but can carry bias, exert force, bring change. We must determine not only what is to be quantified but what changes with the choice to gain that knowledge.

I have been continuing to think about that idea for a novel that I mentioned yesterday and I continue to have new revelations that make it feel more and more present or, perhaps, real.  It is hard to describe, but it is the sense that I am beginning to know enough.  I am aware of a lot of the general narrative elements and have a sense of the plot, setting, and some of the characters, as well as various aspects that are under that which matter to me.  For example, I had been concerned it might be a bit too similar to other work I have done, in a way that felt repetitive, not so much in the novel I am developing, but more in my own intent and approach.  I had a concern about what I wanted to do that would bring me a new challenge, and that was unclear, but I began to see that this book is quite different in a number of ways that will be exciting for.me and which also, I hope, will mean it does not undermine previous works if it is published first.  I know I am be...

It Would Be Simple to List Examples, but why bother? It does not need to be explicated when the evidence is present daily. Any need for more is a refuge in which to hide, is purpose disguising denial.

Another late night and I have done my writing.  As well, I think that the idea I have been playing with is beginning to take shape in a real way.  It is not yet clear, but is far more cohesive than it had been.  It is strange that it has come together as I have not been considering it at all, but I suppose that is often how it needs to work, at least for me. 

The Choice of Defense is complete ignorance of what has been seen by anyone who is aware, everyone who has not chosen to be blind, it is better to be so oblivious it must be a choice than to offer an opinion.

I am rather exhausted tonight and have an early morning tomorrow, so I am planning to keep this short.  Processing what it happening in the world right now is draining, let alone recognizing the need to take a role in this and taking action.  I am still writing, as usual, but that is, of course, not seperate from any of that.

If You Set That Aside though it is a delusion to pretend it is not the truth, what remains is not better.  It is a question of which wrong you acknowledge; you cannot avoid responsibility.

One of the things that I often find when talking with other writers about craft is a sense of boundaries and walls that cannot be crossed.  I will hear writers discuss craft as if what they see in the work they read and have been shown are the only way things can be. In many ways, I feel the same thing is present for many people in this country right now.  I know that their are some who openly cannot fathom the idea that anything is wrong, and that is delusional, but I also see that their are people who have only ever seen one way for things to be, one way they have ever been done. When I talk to writers and suggest the possibility that what they have learned is only one way to do things, I used to expect that they might not see how to do it, but I was never saying that things could not be done as they always had, just that other possibilities might exist; why should that cause animus?  But it often does, because people do not want to have their belief systems disrupt...

Keeping Such Hours is no good, for once consider the danger of it: you think they are contained, but hours are not easy to hold.   See how wild they are, how they move behind the glass.  They test it, tap it, press against it.  What good is it to hold them this way? You can never touch them, they are only beasts you hold prisoner. Do not keep them, it is not good, even were it safe there woild still be too much danger.

It is already a quarter after four in the morning, and 8 am exhausted, so I am not going to say much tonight, though I am glad to be keeping up with my work, though it is often difficult to focus, considering all that is occurring in the country right now.

A Different Intention Ah, well that was removed and is no longer under consideration or discussion any longer. It was the impetus, yes, the occasion, if you want to name its purpose, but nothing more: what remains here does not rely on it, must exist with purpose beyond that context.

I am going to attempt, tonight, to write a bit more of a craft focused entry tonight, but one that relates to considerations around the contimuing protests surrounding police killings of black men in this country in general and the death of George Floyd  in specific.  One of the things that I consider, in terms of my own writing, when I am working to discuss certain issues, like systemic racism as a random example, is the question of how to explain a perspective without alienating anyone who might actually benefit from it, if they were open to the concept.  Their are many ways to address this, even arguments that support the conclusion of not considering the issue at all.  There is, to be clear, no one answer, as far as I am concerned, and I do not always approach from the same angle, but one that I find of great value for myself is attempting to do so without relying upon the specific content and context of the issue, but instead the structure.  In mind, this i...

There Were Chances to step forward, to be clear about what was seen, to hold out the past and show it was no longer placed in shadow, but could be looked at, that the jagged corners would not hide in darkness, to accept a role in all of it, to be aware, to carry the blame, to say "this is mine," but those chances do not remain, are not taken often enough.

I am going to keep this short tonight, as it is quote late and i am already exhausted, and need to be up somewhat early.  I am attempting to find ways to explore everything that is happening in my writing, though that might not be apparent to anyone reading much of it.  I often think the best way to address such issues is through indirection, but I have to acknowledge that I am certain that their is a bit of cowardice in my approach, something I am examining and beginning to move beyond.

Unwanted It is this way, is human nature that those who come to make a better world are never welcomed, must sacrifice to do what is necessary for the good of all.

As I began to consider my blog entry for tonight, I was again finding it difficult to find what I want to write here.  It is easy for me to affirm my belief that these protests are not only necessary and righteous, but also that they represent the very best of our supposed national values.  I also have no difficulty condemning the response of the administration, the threats of military involvement, the grandstanding, all of it.  Still, there was a difficulty for me in being able to talk about these issues.  It seems clear that many people who our culture labels as white have this issue as well.  I have encountered this myself, as someone Jewish, when certain issues of anti-semitism or Jewish identity come up in conversation.  The subjects are often uncomfortable to discuss, and I know I have a great deal of fear that I might say the wrong thing or reveal some part of myself I had not  examined, but to not recognize those possibilities and be silenced b...

Fatal Mistake When the complaints came about the pain, the head decided it would not involve itself on the concerns of others who were so different, the heart, the lung, they were far away, should care for themselves. The ears did not listen to any advice, the mouth refused the pills. It was not a problem for the head, no, it was a problem for others, why bother to do anything for them?  These problems were not relevant, they needed to take care of it for themselves.

I am going to keep this short and try not to discuss things too much tonight.  I just need to process, is the honest answer, and the events occurring in our nation right now are still not clear to me.  I cannot believe that we have reached the level of ironic self-ignorance where the answer to peaceful protesters asking for violence against innocent civilians to be addressed is to threaten to have them attacked by the military.  The part that makes it worse is how many people cannot see it...

I Want to Ask about the future: what is to come; where will we go as a nation?  What is coming?  But I cannot ask those questions, I must first ask what nation have we been and how did I ignore it, how did we all ignore it for so long?

I am not really certain what to say tonight, each time I start to write about things, I find myself at a loss, erasing what was there.  I am overwhelmed by the events of the last several days, and I am not certain how to put my current thoughts into words, beyond expressing my solidarity with the protesters and affirming my belief that black lives matter.

It Cannot Be Heard from Here It is happening, but it is not here, not now, not yet, it cannot be seen outside, or heard down this street, but it seems as if it will be here, as if what began will not finish until it is before all our eyes.