Would That I Might

I woke up a little later today, closer to seven or seven-thirty, and not at the predawn hours that have become my norm over the past month or two.  In part it is because I was up and down through the night.  I think that I did, actually, wake at my normal time, but I had been forcing myself to go back to sleep so much that I just stayed in bed and closed my eyes once more.  I still was up early enough to get my writing done without any interruptions, which is nice.  I suspect, though, that I am going to find that waking up this late was an anomaly.  Maybe I am wrong about that and I'll get up around seven or eight from now on, but I am rather doubtful.  Besides, I really don't think it made much of a difference, as I suspect I got just about the same amount of sleep last night, just with more interruptions.

What Persists It does no good, or has not done so this far along, and I want to know what to do to change that, want to know what will work. I keep doing what I must. That is true. I need to do it, I know that, I know it is important to continue.  That is fine. But what is wrong? Why is it only this? I need to know what to do that I am not doing, what will help to make things better, to change things so they are better, so the effort is not a waste. Do not pretend that it is about attitude or accepting how things are now. Those are not answers. They are lies, are meant to placate, are a false appeasement. The problem cannot be solved that way.

Melissa is not feeling well.  She spent the day in bed yesterday and I am suspecting that today might be similar.  Unfortunately, I think that is going to leave me in the hot seat, as we have a bunch of things coming up this week and Melissa had a few obligations that I don't think can wait, so I will probably need to do it all without her help.  It has me a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but I don't know that there is much I can do about it, really.

Those things are done for now at least.  They must be done again, are not done and over but at least they are done and I can move forward, can focus on other things instead.  That is the point of doing it now, of getting it done at this point instead of waiting, or maybe I am wrong about that and there is a deeper reason. I suppose it is never done, is just a cycle that repeats and I am in the middle of it whenever, always in the middle because it is always a cycle and I am always in it. I don't finish, it just ebbs like the tide.

Today was one of the first times since I shifted to a morning writing routine when I really felt like procrastinating. I didn't get out of bed until around eight or so, which is quite late for me these days.  Even so, it wasn't because I was sleeping well or anything so fortunate.  I was up and down throughout the night, but I was tired enough that, even when I did get up at 6, I just went back to bed after a few minutes. I have to admit that even when I did get out of bed, I was not really feeling like getting to work, but I did it, anyhow, because it is a commitment I made to myself.  Also, I didn't want to slack off and wind up needing to do my writing later tonight.  I am afraid that could just disrupt my new routine altogether.

Why did she call me when you are the one she made plans with? I do not like being interrupted and I am upset by it, am mad, even,  though who is to blame or what I could do even if I knew? It is not anything that can be dealt with in those ways. I don't have recourse. Maybe that is part of the frustration, though it is enough that I was inside a thought and it was shattered. That is enough for me to feel unsettled by it. That is the real problem, the loss of something, the disruption itself took away what, in just that moment, mattered most to me.

I am not feeling all that great at the moment, if I am honest.  There is a lot of stuff going on that has me upset, some of it family related, some of it dealing with other issues.  Melissa and I have been dealing with a ridiculous car problem, for example.  Our car is new, less than a thousand miles on it, and it has been stuck at the dealership for three or four weeks because the thing refuses to start and they cannot find a way to fix it, and I just don't have the strength to deal with all of that, especially with so much else going wrong.  My brother and I are barely talking at the moment, and I am not certain how to deal with that, but  feel like our relationship is shattered and will never be alright again, and I can't help but feel that it is largely our Mother's fault, which makes it very hard for me to deal with her, either.  I am feeling overwhelmed and miserable, and it is all just too much for me at the moment.  I don't really know what to ...