Would That I Might

 I received another rejection letter tonight, and it is making me spiral into that same negative space again, and is not at all good for me or my relationships or any other aspect of my life, but I do not have any way that I can find to alter it, and the only thing that I can think of that is worse than feeling like this is feeling guilty for it, but that does not change the reality that it is untenable for me to continue as I am.  I do have any solutions, I only know that the current state is not one I can remain in.  I've said it before, but I am truly understanding now the notion that this kind of stagnation, of repeating the same actions in hopes of a new result, is a recipe for madness.  I don't know what I can do about it, really, and I am attempting to not get into that same spiral of analysis, discussing what does not work or why, because has done nothing at all.  I am just at a point where I know I need a change, or this will explode in some negative wa...

I Tell Myself It Was An Accident It happened fast, was not my intention, (I do not think it was my intention), it was so fast, the boy running, me walking, the boy ran into me.  It was not anything I did, no, I did not do it, he ran into me, into it (the fist), yes, I did not punch a child, no, I would not punch a child, not at all, it was just an accident, that boy, why would I punch some boy who just ran into me, no, I did not do that, it was not a thing I would ever do, it was all his fault running into me that way, and I hope he was alright afterwards, hope his tears did not last too much longer after, because I could not stay, I was in a hurry, I had no time to worry about a crying boy I did not even know, would not ever see again.

The imprecision of language is an inherent quality of how it functions.  Each word is a symbol with meanings that are agreed upon, but that communal understanding has a certain degree of variation from one person to another.  This is nothing of a revelation.  It is a common consideration to ask whether what any of us experience as a specific color or sound is the same as what another experiences in relation to the same stimulus.  Even more, we know that each word carries meaning as part of the specific language map of the individual who is interpreting it.  The word apple might, in the same context, bring up an image of the fall of man or of a student giving a gift to their teacher, or just a nice piece of fruit eaten earlier today.  In using language, their is a large degree to which the meaning of what is created for a reader cannot be controlled. At the same time, a writer is taught to be specific, to add detail and make each description evocative of a s...

Tomorrow They Are to Come That is what we are told, that they will arrive tomorrow with the morning itself: make certain it is prepared, the space is open so they may begin without impediment, for they do not come any day or every day, but tomorrow they will, that is what we are told, and we must be ready, if they do come this time it is so important we be ready.

 It is difficult to keep motivated at the moment.  In some ways, it is an act of resistance in the face of the consistent rejections I am receiving, but it also can feel like a waste, like throwing more energy in on something that is not working.  I feel like it is dumb of me to keep doing the same things and expecting anything to change, and that includes the writing itself, at times.  Today, I did my work, but it was not with any level of excitement, and I didn't have a sense of accomplishing anything.  It is not to say that the work itself was not, while I was engaged, interesting and absorbing, but it was not easy to get started and after, any spark of creative fulfillment faded rapidly.  I know I need to make a change, that I cannot just keep doing this and waiting.  I only wish I could figure out what I can do, because I do not know any options besides what I am doing now and quitting, and if feeling that I am failing is bad, quitting and accepti...

Rising  What started it and when did it begin, how, and who was it?  It is too late now, is too long since it began to prevent  what is coming, but it would be good to know, to learn how we came here, and maybe hope those responsible will meet justice if only in the eyes of history.

 The idea for my new story is shaping up.  It is interesting how the ideas I had already when I began, which were, as I said, largely about the start of the story, the inciting event of it and the general tone and setting, but the plot and characters were a bit less clear.  Now, I have a sense of the story on a larger level, but am still waiting for it to come into focus.  Their are numerous ideas that are coming together, some of which I had already been playing with, though I did not think they would fit in this story, and others that are new or which are variations on concepts I've played with but never considered in a specific story.  It is becoming a much more science-fiction piece when I had thought it would be fantasy, and I have a sense that the story has a real thrust to it, not only in terms of what I know, but in the subtext beneath it.  It feels like it will be a very interesting piece, but I am still at the start and have yet to figure out many...