Would That I Might

I think that it is essential, in my way of understanding a story, to get into the question of how the relationship between cause and effect is established and just what I mean by this.  I would say that there is a certain character to a story, and I tend to think a lot of that comes down to the nature of how actions are resolved, to what the tone of those things is, for example.  In a comic novel, for example, we might find that an action leads, quite often, to the most absurd and improbably outcomes, while in a novel with a more serious tone, the outcomes would tend to veer towards less outlandish outcomes.  The causes can often be quite similar, but the ways they are resolved, the nature of how actions impact the world, are what changes to create the specifics of a fictional world's character and general nature.  It is through how the world responds to the characters actions that we discover just what kind of reality they are inhabiting, and, thus, what kind of sto...

I can explain the problems but you  will not hear, will not be able to listen, will not allow it, not really. You will explain that it means nothing, that it is not true or irrelevant. The only criteria for what is right and what is wrong are the ones that endorse you doing just as you wish. And yes, of course: you may do what you want, just, please, don't pretend it is intended to be fair or reasonable.

I am going to just write some of what I have been considering about stories and hope that it comes together in a way that is useful or interesting.  This is rather disordered and is, I will acknowledge, motivated by my own desire to just explore and consider some of these ideas, so I don't promise it will be anything particularly coherent or applicable at the moment.  It is just my thoughts. I've long held the notion that story is a method of organizing information about events, and, more particularly, that it is a way of organizing them based on cause and effect.  Accepting this as a framework, the first thing that I think is worth considering is the nature of the relationship between cause and effect in a given piece of work.  In each story, there is a logic for what results from which events and actions, and within that is the core of the stories overall structure.  This is a larger idea, obviously, and trying to consider the ways it can be demonstrated is a ...

I knew something or nothing or everything, though not that, I don't think, not ever that, and not even as a possibility, but something, maybe?  I can't be certain which must mean it is nothing, right? It must mean that, but I can't be certain which is part of not knowing, too.

I want to try and write something going through some ideas about stories and how I think about them working, essentially as a way for me to get a better handle on crafting narratives.  My intention is for this to be largely just a working document, and nothing all that well structured or carefully crafted, just a bunch of notes and concepts that help me to break open the concept of a story in a way that makes sense for me.  The biggest hurdle that I am finding, though, is that I am too practiced at writing for an audience and don't really have a knack for putting things down without considering it in that framework.  Much of my life has been focused on the craft of writing as a method of communication and a medium for artistic expression, and I am finding it hard not to begin approaching it as a piece of writing intended for an audience and not just as a method for working through ideas in the way I am hoping to.  Chances are that I just need to trust myself and writ...

I did not  even if I meant to and I did mean to, or I thought that I meant to which is almost but not quite the same thing, meaning it is, in the end, a different thing, so not the same, just like meaning to or thinking you mean to is not the same as doing the thing.

I am feeling a mix of excitement and fear around things right now.  There are several large events looming over me, most especially the forthcoming publication of my first solo volume, and I can't help but feel a bit of concern that things may not go the way I would hope.  I've certainly had my share of mishaps in my life, with things that I expected to be extremely positive turning out otherwise, so perhaps it is understandable.  I do wish that I felt a greater degree of confidence, but I suppose that is an issue I have faced throughout my life.

The explanation is no good, is less than is needed. It is always mundane, banal, a disappointing revelation.  I cannot help that.  It is why I do not say so much, why I let it stand. All of it is just  what might be found here or there as much on any day as on any other.

I am thinking that I want to try and work on some fiction tomorrow.  I should try to do it tonight, but I think it is better if I try and do it earlier in the day.  At the moment, I have been getting up quite early and am rather tired by the time the evening rolls around.

I won't even worry I will just let it all happen the way it must and is going to, and not that I am unprepared or won't act or be part of it, but it will happen and I will let it happen and be present and ready. That is the plan, at least. I am not certain how good I can be at keeping myself from worrying, in fact, I am a bit nervous about the fact that I might be worrying too much already.

Melissa and I went out for dinner with my mother tonight, which was pleasant enough.  My mother has been in clear distress recently, and I do worry about her, so I am quite glad to have spent a bit of time with her, especially as I do think she enjoyed herself some.  Afterwards, we went for a drive to see some Christmas lights, and I think my mother enjoyed that as well.  Melissa and I are planning to be on our own tomorrow, so it felt important to be able to spend some time with her tonight.

If I ask you I think you will say no but I still believe it is a good idea, or a better idea, at least, than not doing it, than less.  You  might say  you do not want it, but I can guess it will mean something if I do it.  I should learn to trust myself, should give myself permission to make such gestures.

I am trying to get myself thinking more about how stories work.  I've been struggling for a bit with fiction, and I can't help but think that if I had a clearer sense of how I want my stories to function, that might free me up somewhat.  In part it is just about having a map of what seems to make a story work, what makes it satisfying and cohesive, and in part it is about the actual questions of what I think a story is and how it functions.  At present, I am still just at the start of thinking about these things, I suppose, but I realize it is probably an important area for me to focus some of my attention.

It would be better if I did not even if it is what I prefer or what is easier, anyhow, and more pleasant, I suppose, more enjoyable, at least for this moment. I know what comes of such indulgences when considered on a longer scale.

I am feeling rather tired tonight.  In part, it is just that it has been a bit of a long day.  I was up quite early, though I had no good reason to get out of bed; I just woke up and I knew I wasn't going to fall back to sleep.  I've also been busy over the last few days, and I think I am just a bit worn out in general at the moment.  In any event, I am glad to be finishing up my writing for tonight so I can get some sleep.

I do not know what it will mean or if it will mean much, if it will be anything to anyone, as far as meaning goes, even if I had intentions and knew what I was on about and why and how I wanted to say it and the why of that how, although, considering it, it is not even required the meaning be the one I had contemplated, or is that cheating?

Melissa and I went over to my Mom's place tonight, after my brother and his wife left for the airport.  My mother had called me and seemed like she wanted some company, so we wound up going over and ordering pizza for dinner with her.  After we got home, I spoke with a friend of mine who I haven't seen since before Thanksgiving and he asked if he could come by for a bit, so I am expecting him to arrive shortly.  Fortunately, I have been able to get my work done, so I can enjoy some time relaxing this evening.

You are sad and hurting and hurting in ways that are not sadness itself, though it is easy to notice how that hurt is saddening, too, beyond the rest, the deaths around you, and illnesses and whatever else it is. It is not wrong or bad or a thing you will be judged for, punished for.  I don't know what it is you think happens, but you cannot let yourself admit what is wrong, what you need. It only becomes more anger. Maybe, I should just accept all of your attacks are ways to cry out for love.

 It is my birthday, I have enjoyed it fairly well, I think.  Melissa and I went out this afternoon for a fun little excursion to some places down in Fort Lauderdale that we have not been to before, and we went to dinner with my family.  Melissa's gift is really great: it's a lego set of Greenwich Village landmarks that includes some places I really have a strong attachment to, having grown up in that neighborhood.  My brother and his wife gave me a set of book ends from the New York Public Library that depict Patience and Fortitude, the two lions who stand outside the main branch in Manhattan.  All in all, it was a nice day and I am feeling pretty happy right at the moment.

What was good was quite good but the rest was lacking and there were problems with the way it was done, with how it was presented, I mean, even with what was good. That means nothing, I suppose, not at this point, or considering how clear it seems that things are going  in one certain direction and our opinions are not enough to alter that trajectory.

I decided that it would be good for me to get my writing done early tonight, as we are going out a bit on the late side.  Tomorrow is my birthday, so we are going to the Mai-Kai, which is a Tiki themed restaurant that has live "Polynesian" entertainment.  I've been there a few times and it is fun, and feels very much in line with a lot of old Florida tourist attractions, at least to me.  Anyhow, I figured it would probably be better if I didn't leave my writing for afterwards, as it will be somewhat late and I expect I'll be having some kind of exotic (and probably oversized) cocktail.

I said those things and saying them is only that, is nothing more than just noise, just air and vibration, even I can say that, can admit it, despite words mattering to me, words being important and real. I know that words can mean, but that is not enough, if the meaning is not one that can be seen in the world.

I feel like I am at a transition point in numerous ways,  The approach of my chapbook's presale and subsequent release is a big one, of course, but there are various other things that have been going on and some of it feels like it is reaching a head.  I think that I am up to the challenge, and I am hopeful that this is going to be ultimately positive, though I recognize that it will require real work on my part.

Soon, maybe we will know or we will still be waiting, but we will know something, will learn something, I mean, if we learn nothing.  That is  knowledge, even the absence of anything to know is a form of knowing.

I spent a lot of time to today working on reorganizing and cleaning up some of my space in the house.  I have been pretty bad about that, which is something I have always put on my dyslexia, which is true, but I also have to recognize that I still have to take care of these things.  In many ways, I think it is mostly about the fact that I am often just not aware of disorder and such.  It just doesn't really register in my brain unless I have it pointed out to me, but I know that is something that I can work on, and that if I make a conscious effort to keep on top of it, I can build up that awareness, or at least the habits that could simulate it.

Which options are real? We have been told of possibilities and asked to consider them, to choose, to point  towards this or that and say "yes, that is it," to make the choice and allow it all to proceed, but I do not know what is best and what is right and what will not even be, even if  we wished it could.

My mother called this evening and informed me that her friend had passed away. The funeral is going to be in New York, but she said she may be able to live stream it.  I don't know what else to say about any of this, to be honest, and I am not even certain there is a very good reason for me to post about it in the first place, other than the fact of it, in and of itself, but perhaps that is more than enough.

I am stuck and don't have  a way forward that won't be wrong and that is not anyone's fault but my own.  It can't be  blamed on you or anybody. I did it by not doing what was needed, by being  unaware, which was a choice even if I said I did not make it, even if I deny that I taught myself not to know or notice.

My mother received word today that her oldest friend, someone she has known since childhood, is in the hospital on life support, and is already brain-dead.  Her friend had been sick, but this was unexpected, and she is, understandably, upset.  Melissa and I went out for dinner with her, just to try and give her some company and something to do.  I suppose that is the best that we can do for her right now.

I do not remember so much of it but that is fine, maybe, even, it is better to forget. I do not say that most of the time and I wonder if it is just what I am saying because it is this way already.

It is relatively early, but I am quite tired at the moment.  I took part in an online reading for the release of Chameleon Chimera , an anthology that I contributed to.  It was a lovely event, but I had a rather long and busy day even before that, so I was dragging quite a bit by the end. 

When it gets this way it is not so good, not that it is rotted, because no it is not rotted or poisonous or even bad in any specific way, just different and strange and capable of being  the cause of more that is strange, and that is (isn't it?) a danger, a threat to this way or that one, or any other that is taken up as the one way, the one that is right or proper or acceptable, and normal, yes, of course, normal.

I had to go to the podiatrist today so she could examine one of my toes.  It had an ingrown toenail which needed to be dealt with.  To be honest, it had started to bother me a few weeks ago in Ohio, but I hadn't been able to get to the doctor, so I just did what I could at home on my own.  Apparently, I did a half-way decent job, according to the doctor, at least, but there was still a bit more to do.  At the moment, my foot is throbbing some.  I am certainly glad to be finishing up my work so I can rest up for the evening.

I have no other plans and nothing more to think of, nothing else to consider as an option, and I can't have it be nothing or not anything  that is good or right, and no, I don't want another night instead, don't want to pretend and say that is fine, which is just another way of pretending that what is not right is good, or enough, and I feel stupid and like a jerk and selfish about it, and that is all right, isn't it? It is true, I guess, and it shouldn't be that way, I suppose, but it's not everything, it is just this, is just or maybe not, I suppose. I am not unaware, but I have to accept it, I think. I don't know how to make it anything else.

It has been a long day, so, while it is still relatively early, I am feeling quite tired at the moment.  I came up to my office, and I was a bit worried that I might just zone out and not get to work, but after a few minutes, I just decided I had to get myself into gear, because I really don't want to be up all that late tonight.  I am glad to find that I can make such decisions, at least on ocassion.

A few minutes ago I wasn't so certain but here I am, doing and being and finding my way again, and that is how it should be, and even if I am feeling tired and worn out and ready to rest up, because tomorrow is going to be busy and long and not altogether fun, I don't expect, but even if that is the case, I am feeling more energized again, and that's not anything  but what happens to the mind, or can happen some of the time, anyhow, can be the result of such efforts.

It was my father's birthday today, which is always a bit rough.  We got together with my family for dinner, which turned out nicely, despite a bit of drama at the start.  I miss him a lot, and it was good to be able to spend a bit of time with the other people who I know miss him too.

Anyway, I am here I almost made a different choice than this, but I did not, and I don't say that as if it is good or better, though I do think it is the better choice. I say it because it is what I know about why I am here right now, and I cannot think what else there is, what is worth hearing or knowing, what it is possible to tell you that might matter. I don't know, but I think, maybe, that is still enough.

I am a bit worried about my mother at the moment.  She has been having some serious back issues for a while now, and today I went over to see her and it seemed like she could barely walk.  I had been warned that this was the case by my brother, who is in town for a few weeks at the moment, so it wasn't really a shock, but it does concern me, especially as I don't know how open she would be to any kind of real help.  She lives alone and doesn't have help at home most of the time, so her not being able to take care of herself is a bit concerning.  Of course, I know that she would probably be a bit upset to even find out that I am thinking any of this.

Another idea is floating around, just bobbing on the surface, or maybe that is all I am able to detect at the moment.  It is not a small thought, I do not think it is small, anyhow, even if it seems so, but if it were  just a little thing I would not hesitate to dive in after it.

It is nice to be back home.  Melissa and I still have quite a bit of unpacking to do, but it is good to be back here.  Beyond just the fact of being in our own space, both personally and communally, it is also much better for me in terms of getting work done, as I don't travel with a computer these days, and wind up doing most everything on my phone, which works but is not always the easiest or most efficient solution. 

I am concerned about her but what can I do besides worry and hope she gets better or, if that can't be, lets us help, lets us know the truth, at least. You tell me there is nothing we can do, that she won't let us, and all I think is what our father would say if we told him why we had failed to do anything for her.

Melissa and I made it home this evening.  I am feeling quite exhausted right about now, but I don't think there is a lot for us to do in the morning, so maybe I will be able to catch a bit of extra sleep now that we are back in our own bed.  I can't say that I really believe that, to be honest, considering I don't really think that my sleep has been all that exceptionally different from the usual.

I feel obligated by it which is not so bad, I guess, or I am choosing for it to be good, to be a good obligation that will lead forward in a positive direction, even with the negatives, but there can be a context, a choice, and it can be the negatives are  just what I am choosing to take, to hold myself against, to accept.  A cost, or sacrifice? Is that too much or is it just right or is either answer a bad one?

It is our last night on the road and Melissa and I are in Gainesville, Florida.  The drive tomorrow is not all that long, so we are planning to spend a bit of time here before we hit the road.  The last few days, we haven't really done much besides just driving and hanging out at various hotels, so I am looking forward to getting out and exploring  a bit before we are back home.

Maybe now is the start or not the start because this is not  the beginning, but a step forward or the start of what has been missing, or just a shift? I do not know but I am hoping which makes me a bit nervous if I am honest, which tells you a bit about what my experience has taught me to expect.

Melissa and I are in Macon tonight.  The drive was mostly uneventful, except some traffic around Atlanta, which I suppose is to be expected.  We are heading to Gainesville tomorrow and then back home.

I want it to be different but I won't do what is needed to change  and make it  better than this. I just want it to get better without the effort, without losing anything much. Alas, that is not  how it works.

Melissa and I stopped at the Colonel Sanders Cafe And Museum, which is, really, just a Kentucky Fried Chicken located across the street from where the chain originated.  It is full of memorabilia and is set up with some old school furnishings like the restaurants had in the past.  We have seen signs for it while driving back and forth to Ohio but had never stopped before.  To be honest, it was a fun pit stop and the food seemed like it was a cut above the franchise average.

Why not It is easy to say that often it is fear or the unease I feel, the uncertainty  in myself, in my capacity to get it right or get close to it, and discomfort with it being wrong, which may be the bigger  dilemma.  If I could let myself do it wrong, just accept it as inevitable, that could be enough.

Melissa and I are planning to leave early tomorrow.  It should be about a six hour drive, depending on traffic, so I want to start getting myself ready for bed.  I think I am going to be driving first, so I want to get some decent rest.

I want to trust it is beginning It could be an illusion, I know that, but it seems that it has changed, has opened. I cannot know, not now, but one day it will be clear if this was the start or just another chance to wait.

Melissa and I decided to leave on Wednesday morning so we can get back over the weekend.  We had been contemplating leaving tomorrow, but I am pretty exhausted at the moment, so I think Wednesday is a good call. 

I am told it is needed but I cannot say, do not know, have not experienced  that sense for myself. I trust it is true, I think, or just wish it were and will myself to believe, and it might be that it is, and one day I might know that in some other way, something direct. Maybe that has come already and I just cannot let myself notice.

Melissa and I are still in Columbus.  We plan to leave on Tuesday, I think, though we have some limited flexibility.  Tomorrow we are going out to lunch with her aunts, which should be pleasant, I think.  Melissa is still worried that we haven't gotten enough done here at the house, but I think we've managed quite a bit, given the time we have at present.

I did not and I don't think  it would have made a difference if I had, though I do wonder, or maybe I wonder if I had done it would it represent some shift beyond me, like my choice represents one shift in a statistical sample. I don't think so, not  in the rational part of my mind, just not the rest.