Would That I Might

It is late.  The last few nights were early but I was tired enough to treat them as if they were late nights.  Tonight, though, was a late night.  Melissa, my mother, and I went to see the musical Suffs .  I am a bit nixed about the show, if I am honest, but I did enjoy it overall.  Afterwards, my mother suggested we go out for a nightcap and we went to a local bar near where I grew up.  I wound up staying for a bit after Melissa and Mom left, and now I am home and doing my work.  I don't know why I am just stating events this way, except that I am tired and a little drunk, and not in the space to do much more in terms of creative thought, I suppose. Oh well.

I do not want those things for the moment, at least, and that is good to notice. Wants are not easy things and have a.tendency to ask for too much or too many things or just enough of the wrong thing that it is not so good, or is that just my wants? I doubt it, but I do not consider all the minds that want and have need and are real inside in the way I am, because how could I be alright thinking of it that way all the time around everyone? But what is that for an answer?

I am yet again seeming to get through my work rather early, and I am, once more, quite tired.  It was a long and busy day, and we got quite a few things that were on the schedule.   We leave Subday, so we only have a few days left before we begin the journey back to Florida.

Describing The Problem I am sitting with all the nothing and it weighs too much, and there is more that needs to be sorted waiting until there is room to drag the rest up here.

I am glad to be calling it a night relatively early this evening.  Hopefully I can get some decent sleep, as well.  Going to keep it short so I can get to bed.

It Was A Promise I did not say it without meaning it, all the way and without needing more or something else to be given, though it is  not without danger to trust and hope. You can choose and I  will feel whatever comes of your response.

Melissa and I went out with some of her friends tonight.  It was a pleasant evening and I know that Melissa was happy to spend time with them.  We actually decided to go back to a restaurant we had tried before when they seemed to be having an off night and this time it was pleasantly surprising, which was quite nice, as it is quite near my mother's apartment.  It is always nice to have another place in the neighborhood.

Someone will ask and I will say something kind but bland and not so much enthusiastic and I  feel guilty because I know it is unkind even if I feel one way and not the other and this is how I can be honest, but I know it is not good or kind or  what is wanted. I should be more generous to you, I think, but I wonder if that is because I am accustomed to being the one who must concede.

Last night was my brother's wedding.  I didn't get home until around four in the morning, and that was after being out nearly as late on Friday after the rehearsal dinner.  I am trying to wrap up my work early tonight so I can get myself to bed soon.

I am hoping but still doubtful, which seems impossible, but it is true, is what I am feeling. I do want  things to go the way I know is best, but I am afraid and I know the consequences of things going another way. I do not know how to influence what is to come, but I know what is needed, and I have hope. I wish I had more but what I have is hope.

Tonight was my the rehearsal dinner for my brother's wedding.  It was a nice event, I think, and I believe he and his bride enjoyed themselves.  I wound up growing out with him and a few of his friends for drinks afterwards, which went fine, I think.  I do wish I had gotten home a little earlier, but it was a nice evening overall.

I know I must be better but the world is difficult, is filled with so much that becomes  an obstacle, or else a temptation. I can know better and still do worse.

I finally wrote the speech I plan to give at my brother's wedding.  I had it in my head, formulated, almost to the word, but I needed to get it nailed down to the page.  I think it is good, though I expect I will read it over again and tinker, just a bit.  I suppose that is to be expected.

It will take time and I do not know what that means, not now, not in this world, in it now, with the precarity. I know  it will be  one thing or it will be the other, I know there is not another way. I have hope, but it may come too late. It all depends, doesn't it, and I must hope.

 My brother's wedding is this weekend.  I am the best man.  I have to write my speech.  It is already in my head, but I have not put any of it on paper.  I need to make sure I do that tomorrow.  After tomorrow it will be too late.

I want time and more than time and things that are not time plus more  but things I want that matter to me.  You are not the one who decides, can never be more or enough or anything else. I am lost and want you to find me. I am here. I will cry out  if only you could listen.

One of the advantages of writing as much as I do is that I don't usually feel all that egotistical about what I have written.  I am not, as it were, precious about my poems.  Part of this is just because by the time I am revising a poem, I have probably written dozens more.  I rarely feel attached to a specific line in the way I might be if I didn't write so much as I do.

A Bit Longer It comes  soon, but not quite yet, only very soon, too soon, maybe to not  be ready, but I  will be. I am preparing for the actual preparations.

It is late tonight and I did not intend it to be.  I would have been better off finishing my evening hours earlier, but here I am.  At least I know that I still finished my writing.  That has to count for something.

 I should have been better or careful, or restrained,. but I did this instead and I know there are consequences  I do not want to be responsible, who wants to be responsible? That is clear but it is  too late for any such decision.

I am sitting on the balcony at my mother's apartment.  It is the only place to be alone.  It is where I have sat most nights since we've been here but tonight it is quite cold.  I am eager to finish this up and go back inside.

We went back and it was nice even if not all the things went right or were what was wanted, but it was good, easy and, also, pleasant, and good in those ways which was enough and more than that.

It has been a rather long day, so I am going to keep this short for tonight.  At one point, I actually was considering not writing, but I rarely succumb to such an urge.  Even so, I am quite tired at the moment and ready to call it a night.

There was danger and I  do not know what I  would have done of it had gone farther, of I was prepared or capable. I do not know, and I  am glad not to know.

I had a rather productive day today.   I wrapped up work on the draft for my newsletter, which had been going somewhat slow, and I dealt with some important correspondence, as well.  Beyond that, I got my usual writing done.  All in all, I feel like I accomplished quite a bit.

Binary I am not certain how good it was, as a choice. I decided and it is  not as if there were many options, anyhow.  Either I picked the best thing or the worst.

I got some good news tonight and I am feeling quite excited.  I hope I can share more specifics tomorrow.

But the kindness It is strange but the kindnesses are not meant to hurt, only they do and it cannot  br ignored. We can  pretend or we can do as we wish. Either way there is more.

I have been working on a revision of a piece I wrote that is going out as part of my newsletter this month.  It is mostly done, but it has been suggested that it needs a bit more to it, and that certain specific issues would be good to address.  I had wanted to finish it up tonight, but I think I may need a bit more time to work on it.

It is a bad idea but it is what I want, and I have waited for something close although it is still not  quite the same, is only a shadow or crumb or just less than what was and is not and will not be again, but it is more than there was. It is not good for me, but it was a long time before anything came at all. I will not be wise and regret myself.

I am still feeling quite exhausted after last night's festivities, but now that I am wrapping up my work for tonight, I can start to get ready for bed. 

It is no good and it won't change and I know that, but it is still no good, still wrong and I  am aching and needing and feeling in all those ways. You say I must accept and move on, and I know it is the way things are now, but it is still not good, it is still not anything I can be alright with. What can I do? I need a way to make it better, even if  that is impossible.

I took my brother and some of his friends out to celebrate his upcoming wedding.  It wasn't quite a batchelors party, but only because that wasn't what he wanted.  I think everyone enjoyed it, including my brother.

I see it that arch sitting alone but bright with  its own light or not its own but from the lights that intend to keep it lit. The rest of the park is dark and I cannot see anything, not one tree.  They are gone from view when I am so far and it is night. Only the arch that men made and plaed and lit  is visible. I do not think the rest is gone, but it is still evening.