Feeling A Bit of Blockage Writing The Ending
I did a bunch of work on Gus and Bow this morning, and am feeling rather enthused in terms of the ideas for the book. On some level, I have cracked the major problem of the ending, though I still have issues with the specifics, and the solution is more complicated than I had anticipated, as it relies upon breaking the narrative as presented, in order to fracture the entire reality of the story in a specific way. This fracture will allow for an ambiguity that will leave the ending unresolved in a particular way.
I don't wish to get too deep into the specifics, but the general idea is something that was actually quite obvious and actually, now that I think about it, inherent within the central narrative device of the novel. As well, it will allow the ending to serve as a form of a key for the book, in a certain way. There is a lot to be considered in terms of this, as it will mean that the story has to split apart in a very particular way that will allow it to come back together.
Perhaps, it is the daunting nature of that which has me feeling a bit slowed on the writing at this moment. I do have a lot that is actually quite clear to me in terms of the story at this moment, that I can begin writing, but even before I had the understanding of the ending that I do now, I was feeling a certain hesitancy. Now, this is, in part, I would surmise, my own fears and anxieties about completing work, which arise from a sense of perfectionism, and other more subtle motives that I can't entirely name or describe. In short, though, that is a natural thing, and it is something that I should just be able to let myself get past.
I don't know why it is that I feel that sense of pressure that makes it difficult to keep myself going. In large part, I would be glad to be working on the ending at this moment, but I also feel a sense of lethargy and dread about actually getting to it. In some ways, I know that is also about wanting to have a deeper sense of the story, but I need to remember that having that trust in myself is essential, and has gotten me all the way to where I am.
Now, though, it is a bit daunting for me to think about the next few days of work, and I know that a part of me does not want to rush this. I don't feel I need to rush, really. I should be capable of setting aside enough time in the next several days to get to the ending, even if it is not entirely right yet. That is bound to be the case for anyone working on a first draft, whatever the time-frame might be. It is the nature of the work, or so I must believe. It may well be that some writers are able to come away from the first crack and call the piece complete, and I wish that were me.
In short, I am not entirely certain about what is going on. I need to be alright with that, and recognize that not understanding does not need to be a reason to stop. I will get to work in a few minutes, and I will do the work I need to tonight. I am not going to walk away from that, and that can be enough. Of course, it does not make these feelings disappear, and that is a thing that I would like to address at some point, but it may well be that showing myself that these feelings are just an obstacle that is not real, and that I can do the work anyway is a good thing.
It may be partly the timer, too, at this point, but I think it is a good practice, and I recognize that I can alter how I use it as well. I know, though, whatever the case, once I get myself stuck into the work, it is not that hard to keep myself going, most often. Their is nothing stopping me but my own hesitation, and it is scary to consider that it is possible for that to be enough.
Their is no reason to allow it to win, though. I have made it this far, and am at the point where I can bring it all together. Having a finished novel is the point, and that is right at hand, so, I will do what I must, and I will let it be a mess, knowing I can clean up later, and I will trust that I can do what I need to and will just throw myself into it. At least, that is the theory....
I don't wish to get too deep into the specifics, but the general idea is something that was actually quite obvious and actually, now that I think about it, inherent within the central narrative device of the novel. As well, it will allow the ending to serve as a form of a key for the book, in a certain way. There is a lot to be considered in terms of this, as it will mean that the story has to split apart in a very particular way that will allow it to come back together.
Perhaps, it is the daunting nature of that which has me feeling a bit slowed on the writing at this moment. I do have a lot that is actually quite clear to me in terms of the story at this moment, that I can begin writing, but even before I had the understanding of the ending that I do now, I was feeling a certain hesitancy. Now, this is, in part, I would surmise, my own fears and anxieties about completing work, which arise from a sense of perfectionism, and other more subtle motives that I can't entirely name or describe. In short, though, that is a natural thing, and it is something that I should just be able to let myself get past.
I don't know why it is that I feel that sense of pressure that makes it difficult to keep myself going. In large part, I would be glad to be working on the ending at this moment, but I also feel a sense of lethargy and dread about actually getting to it. In some ways, I know that is also about wanting to have a deeper sense of the story, but I need to remember that having that trust in myself is essential, and has gotten me all the way to where I am.
Now, though, it is a bit daunting for me to think about the next few days of work, and I know that a part of me does not want to rush this. I don't feel I need to rush, really. I should be capable of setting aside enough time in the next several days to get to the ending, even if it is not entirely right yet. That is bound to be the case for anyone working on a first draft, whatever the time-frame might be. It is the nature of the work, or so I must believe. It may well be that some writers are able to come away from the first crack and call the piece complete, and I wish that were me.
In short, I am not entirely certain about what is going on. I need to be alright with that, and recognize that not understanding does not need to be a reason to stop. I will get to work in a few minutes, and I will do the work I need to tonight. I am not going to walk away from that, and that can be enough. Of course, it does not make these feelings disappear, and that is a thing that I would like to address at some point, but it may well be that showing myself that these feelings are just an obstacle that is not real, and that I can do the work anyway is a good thing.
It may be partly the timer, too, at this point, but I think it is a good practice, and I recognize that I can alter how I use it as well. I know, though, whatever the case, once I get myself stuck into the work, it is not that hard to keep myself going, most often. Their is nothing stopping me but my own hesitation, and it is scary to consider that it is possible for that to be enough.
Their is no reason to allow it to win, though. I have made it this far, and am at the point where I can bring it all together. Having a finished novel is the point, and that is right at hand, so, I will do what I must, and I will let it be a mess, knowing I can clean up later, and I will trust that I can do what I need to and will just throw myself into it. At least, that is the theory....
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