Poem: I do not want to do that

I do not want to do that

It is not going to be easy,
and I don't understand
how it will bring the change
I actually want.
It feels besides the point,
at least if I am focused
on what I care about.
It is no good for me
to say that, and I know
it is not.  I know
you are helping
and offering an option
that seems right
and is real
and I can take action
that will matter,
but I am tired
and it seems difficult.
I want the things
that I always wanted,
not alternatives
or distractions,
and I can't help thinking
that is what we are talking about,
even though I know
it is a path forward.
I just don't like that.
I want to go forward
in the direction
I was already headed.
Anything else
feels like too much.
I am think it may be
that I am not willing
to be alright
unless it is on my own terms,
and I know
nothing works that way,
but I don't think
I can change it
any more
than I can alter
the rest of the situation.
Or is that just an excuse?
I can't tell, and I don't care.
I am too tired of it all for that.
I'm just letting it out, maybe.
I can't say it is what I mean,
or, at least, it is not, maybe,
what I will mean.  It might be
shifting already.  I do not know.
I don't like any of it, though.
It would be more comfortable
to do the things I have done,
the things I know and recognize
and feel capable of.
I do not know 
that it matters, really.
It is already this bad
and the solutions
all seem impossible
and irrelevant to me,
at least tonight.
Tomorrow, it may turn out
this was just the way
I needed to process things.

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