Poem: You admire the commitment

You admire the commitment

but I am frustrated
with myself for it.  Am not alright
with making the effort,
with continuing
to be so dedicated,
when there is nothing,
no result, or none
that are what I need,
what I am seeking.
It matters to me.
I feel stupid
wasting all this
for nothing,
trying and trying,
and knowing
it is not enough,
is not going to help.
I recognize 
that.  Do not tell me
the commitment
and the effort
must be the reward.
That makes it worse.
If the only thing
is the effort itself,
I wish I had never started.
It is no good.
I can't stop.
To stop would destroy me.
But so will continuing
without reward
for the effort.

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