A Writer's Notebook, Two-Thousand-And-Three

I recently had to be taken off of a medicine due to a matter of family history.  The medicine in question was one of the new class of inulin mimetics which have recently gained notoriety for their effectiveness in helping with weight loss, and I can tell you that it was making a very big difference for me.  I had lost around fifty or so pounds and was on track to lose quite a bit more.  In fact, when the issue came up, I had just started on a higher dose about a week earlier and lost close to ten pounds during that period.  At the moment, I am still on the medicine, but we have been reducing the dosage over time, and almost as soon as the dose reduced, I had regained that last bit of weight.  Soon, the dosage will reduce again, and I expect to gain back even more of the weight.  All this is rather devastating, if I am honest.  I have struggled with my weight all of my life, even when I was a child and this was the first time I've ever felt that changing in a real way.  In the past, while I have lost weight, it has always been through unsustainable means, requiring a great deal of effort.  The only programs that ever worked involved constant monitoring of each thing I ate, to a degree of obsessiveness that I found, ultimately, wasn't all that healthy for me.  After a while, I become inflexible and overly agitated about each little detail, and the obsessiveness itself tends to push me in directions that I don't think are very good for my mental well-being.  I am not certain what there is to do or how to deal with this, really, but I am finding it very upsetting.  I feel my hunger returning, feel it inside me again.  I am not certain what I can do about that, but I know I am not alright letting it happen.  I don't think there is an answer, though, and that terrifies me. 

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