A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Thousand-Three-Hundred-And-Nine

My mother and I had an upsetting conversation today, in which I kind of let loose about a lot of the things that are bothering me and how I feel.  She does not want to hear it.  I know she doesn't.  Her response when I express that I am hurting, especially if it involves blaming her in any way, is to attack me for even having those feelings.  I am the one hurting her by saying this, and she just gets angry about it.  I think that I might have gotten through a bit, but I don't know what to say or do, to be honest.  I want to be able to make things better, to talk with her honestly and get through this, but it feels impossible.  Even if we discuss it all and come to some sort of understanding, I don't know what it will really mean, how it will make things better.  So much has already been done that is permanent, that cannot change.  I know that it is important to get through to her, that it might make a difference in ways I can't imagine right now, might change some of the emotional context at least, but it just feels impossible with her.  I don't want to hurt her, but it feels as if I can't even be honest about things without it being seen as an act of cruelty.  I wish that I could get her to understand my perspective of things, that I felt she had some real sympathy for my side of everything.  I know it is complicated and difficult, and I know she feels overwhelmed dealing with my complaints.  I have a great deal more sympathy for her than I think she even understands or recognizes, and I don't want to make her feel bad, but I am in pain because of things she has done and I can't just keep hurting and doing nothing about it.  I need help, and I want to believe she actually cares about me in a genuine sense, especially when I am expressing my pain.  I don't know if that is possible, of course.  Maybe I am asking too much of her, but the need will not go away, especially not when so much has been done that makes me feel like I am, in some sense, no longer even considered a real member of the family any longer.

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