A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Eighty-Three

I am feeling very overwhelmed tonight.  It is an emotional overwhelm, a sense of the weight of things that have been happening, of the need for change and the futility of my actions.  It is not a new feeling, but tonight it is acute.  I am not certain why it has turned up to high tonight, but there it is.  I don't really want to vent about it or indulge it, because I tend to become logical and frustrate myself since there isn't a logical way out of this.  It is the way things are right now, and things are not about to change as far as I can tell.  I just want to explain the feeling itself, if anything, but even that feels like a trap right now, as if I can't explain it without going too far into the why and the reasons, but the reasons are just explanations for what I am feeling.  The core is a sense of powerlessness, of frustration, and a sense of being unprotected, of being abandoned, of being, even, betrayed and intentionally led to suffer.  I don't know how else I can describe it and I want to make it better, but I know that their is nothing that will make it better that does not involve the situation itself changing and becoming different.  So many things I am experiencing now feel like they are lifted straight from my nightmares of years gone by, and now I wake up and find that the world reflects them far too much, and that much of it was forced on me by people who knew my feelings and still claim to love me, and who I still love, often despite myself.  I don't know what I am to do or say, but I know I need things to change for the better, and that change is not an internal shift.  It has to be a real change in things in these situations.  Without that, I am doomed, which probably can be abbreviated to just stating that I am doomed, since it seems pretty clear things are as they are.  I wish I hadn't written this, to be honest, but I suppose I needed to.  I don't like being this negative, believe it or not.  It is not a good thing.  It is the feeling I've had so long, though.  I don't know why it is worse tonight, or maybe it is not worse, maybe I am just acknowledging it in a different way.

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