A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Twenty-Two

I want to find a way to get myself feeling more enthusiastic about my writing again.  I'm not really certain what to do about the issue at the moment.  I've been writing, of course, and I still find myself interested in the work itself, once I have gotten into it, but even so, there is a missing element.  It is the reason why it is often so hard for me to get started on my work, why it has become routine for me to leave it until the end of the day in the first place.  At one point, I really felt the desire to get to work early, to wake up and go to it, and I felt compelled to work on various projects.  Maybe this is just me imagining it, or it was a product of being in the middle of certain piece of writing that I was particularly invested in.  I don't know.  What scares me is the sense that it is my general feeling of futility spreading out.  I feel very stuck right now in so many ways, and writing often does feel as if it is a frail and silly effort on my part.  I'm often questioning my own effort, whether it is of real value at all.  The thing is, I don't feel there is a real choice: I am a writer.  It is not a thing I feel is an option.  The question is not about quitting or anything for me. It wouldn't be an option, really.  I feel stuck, and that feeling that I can't change things has been making it harder and harder to get to work, and when I do, I often am writing about these same feelings and problems, because they are the only thing that I can think of so often.  I want this to be different, but the answer cannot be for me to change my mentality about it without their being a change outside of me.  I am not able to think about it in another way if it is the same, and I know things won't just change.  It is always the same thing, and I keep coming back to it.  I do not know what to do and that seems to be because there is nothing to do, and if there is nothing to do, what good is it?  I am just trapped and it won't get better.  No wonder I find it so hard to get started writing when everything comes out this bleak.

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