A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Three

I have been feeling quite hopeless for myself lately.  I don't know how to believe things can get better any longer, and things that have happened in the past few years have me very down.  This is not only the pandemic, though that adds to it, but so much more.  I feel as if my house is a prison, and I don't have the ability to make that better.  I am stuck.  My mother and brother chose to make this my reality and still do not seem to even admit that I have a right to feel hurt by it in any genuine sense.  Indeed, they have made it clear, by action and attitude, as well as direct statement, that I don't deserve real consideration.  I still cannot believe that my brother actually hit me with his car, on purpose, let alone that my mother's response, upon seeing this, was to physically attack me in the aftermath, as if I were responsible and not the victim.  If it is brought up in front of them, my mother still defends my brother and acts like I am being an asshole for being upset, will not even hear about the now recurrent back pain that seemed to have resulted, let alone consider any emotional impact on me.  I don't know how to continue if I can't make changes to improve things in my day to day life, and the things that would need to change are not in my power to enact.  The only way I can imagine even feeling better right now is to find a path towards some sort of success in my writing career, some evidence of meaningful progress resulting from the efforts I have made.  I know that is not anything that I can enact.  I just have to sit and hope and wait, and I can't continue on with things this way, with the only thing I have being hope for change that I can't make happen.  I don't know what to do and I am afraid, to be honest.  I don't want to keep feeling this way, and I know that I can't change it without their being real shifts in things that are outside my control.  Even the idea that I just need to change myself or my attitude in response to the this makes me feel worse, makes me feel less hopeful than ever.  I am so afraid of this continuing, of what it is doing to me.  I don't want to keep going down this path, but I haven't found any way to change my direction.  I need help, and I have asked for it, and all I am ever told is that things won't change and I must keep going with things as they are, but I know that won't result in anything but it all getting worse.  Why am I even writing this?  It won't matter to anyone, I don't think.  Nothing ever helps, and venting just makes me sound like a whiny asshole.  I am wasting my energy on this, but it is all I can do.  I want it to be a way to vent, but I know, it cannot be released, or releasing it isn't enough.  So long as things remain as they are, there will always be more, will always be too much.  I need a way out of this that is positive, not to continue along towards outcomes that terrify me.

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