A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Thousand-And-Thirteen

I do not really know what to write here tonight.  It would be better to avoid writing another piece that revisits my current frustrations, but that is really where my mind goes.  It is important to me that I can find a way to get through my current situation, but I don't really know how.  The only way I will not feel the way I do right now is if I start having some career success, in terms of getting work published or finding a literary agent to represent my fiction, and I don't have a way to change those things.  Even saying that I don't have an ability to change it, really makes me feel hopeless.  I do not have any other plan, and even having to make one would represent complete failure in a way that I could not handle.  I don't know how to explain it, but the frustration I have now is at least not my giving up all hope.  I need to find a path towards what I define as success, and not some alternative I would never even pursue if I could get what I really want.  There is not alternative that does not invoke a deep crisis for me that I cannot and will not handle, though I do not think things as they are right now is particularly good for me and am concerned about what it will mean for this to continue very much longer.  I need to find a way forward that meets my actual needs and values, and which is possible, but I do not think it actually exists, and if it does not, I have no idea what that will mean, but I know it will not be positive and I am afraid.

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