A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Thousand-And-Two

 When I was in my twenties, I found that I was having a lot of trouble with sleep.  I was always tired, but at night, I would wake up again and again.  At one point, I fell asleep while teaching a class.  It was really bad.  Finally, I was able to get tested and diagnosed with sleep apnea.  I was told at the time that my sleep efficiency, without treatment, had been less than 1%.  I was walking up once every two or three seconds to breath, though I was largely not aware of this fact.  I would wake up, gasp, and then fall back to sleep without knowing anything had happened, but I still wasn't getting any deep sleep, and, what really scares me, each such incident could be too much for my heart.  It was made clear to me, without proper treatment, any time I fall asleep, I am at risk of never waking up again.

That was well over a decade ago, and I have always used my machine.  To be honest, I could never understand why a person with apnea wouldn't use one.  I had been unable to sleep, had been living in a fog of tiredness, but never knew what it was to drift deep and dream.  How could I not want that?  Sure, it requires me to wear a facemask, but it quickly became like a blanket I associated with the peace of rest.

These machines do not last forever, and a few years back, mine had worn out.  It took months of fighting to get it replaced, and the insurance required me to risk my life to get it.  You see, they wanted proof that I still have apnea, but they also refuse to pay for an appropriate study in a lab, and so their answer is to give patients a little monitor to wear at home overnight.  I was instructed that I had to sleep without the machine which treats my condition, despite the fact that I am aware that even one night without it might be my last.  I did the test, and survived, and I have a new machine now, but it does not seem to be working right for me.  Over the past several years, since I received that machine, I have had the sense of not being able to breath as I fall asleep, and I certainly feel that I am not as well rested as I used to be.  I do not know if this is all in my head, of course, but the specialist I see is concerned and wants me to be tested.

Of course, Florida Blue and their contractor Carecentrix refused the request.  They do not care if I die tonight, or tomorrow, or maybe a few months from now.  I am paying for health insurance from a company that has made it clear they do not care about my survival.  I do not know what do.  Sleep studies are expensive, but I am already paying thousands of dollars a year to have insurance, as I don't even have an employer to offer me insurance.  I am lucky to be able to afford it, I know, but what good is that insurance if I cannot get the medical care I need.  Of course, this is the same story as everyone, is not anything new.  It needs to change.  

I hope I live to see it.  I hope, to be honest, I live to see the dawn.

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