A Writer's Notebook, Day Nine-Hundred-And-Ninety-Eight

 I cannot see a path forward for myself that is not through traditional publishing.  I recognize that, for many others, new avenues have been very successful, but I am not a person who wants that or is willing to take on the challenges associated with those kinds of pursuits.  For me, to choose such a path would be an acknowledgement of having been a true failure at the thing that does matter, scrambling to find something instead of nothing.  I am not suggesting this is how others feel or that it is true for them, but for me, it is my experience and how I see the world, and I am not interested in or going to change that.

As well, I am in a situation in my life where I need to be able to make progress in my career.  Things around my home and family life are not great right now, and Melissa and I are kind of trapped.  Changing that is not a realistic possibility with things as they are, and one of the conditions that needs to shift is around my career.  This is partly practical, in an economic sense (though I do not expect a great return for most of my writing), but is more about the way it could shift things in my relationships with my family and how it might provide me opportunities that I don't have at present.  

This leaves me rather stuck, and I do not know how to contend with that.  I am sending out work, but it does not matter if none of it is accepted.  I write a great deal, and I am trying quite hard to figure out what I need to do to get my work in front of the right people.  It would be quite different if I were told that my work isn't good, but I am constantly receiving praise that seems genuine and real.  For example, I have sent my novel to a number of agents and received back personal responses from most that said, essentially, this seems good but I am not interested in offering representation.  One requested a full manuscript and told me she read the whole thing and was fascinated by it, but still did not make an offer.  Another author, one I cannot name here but who has penned at least one NYT best-seller, told me "it is the kind of book that makes you look at the world differently and feel changed by it."  I am certain of the work.  But, I know that their is a business too, and that I need an agent who loves the book and can see how to sell it.  I believed I could build a platform through my poetry, but it is not happening either, again in spite of very positive feedback.  I have to believe there is something that I can do, but figuring that out has been perplexing me for such a long time.  I only know that I must get past this, that things remaining as they are would be disastrous.

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