A Writer's Notebook, Day Seven-Hundred-And-Seventy-Nine

My motivation has been flagging recently.  I am still doing my writing, and I have moments when I feel inspired most every day, but I feel less compelled towards my work than I have in the past, as a general rule.  Much of the time, I am needing to force myself to write, and that has not always been the case.  I know a large part of this is connected to the larger issues in my life right now, and the fact that I am dealing with a great deal right now.  I have spoken about issues with my mother and brother before, and that is a big factor.  It sucks a huge amount of energy out of me.  As well, I feel quite dejected by the persistent publishing slump I've been in.  I don't know what I can do at the moment to build back more of that motivation, though I do want to.  In many ways, I feel as if my efforts have not had any real results, and feeling that way makes it hard to remain just as committed.  In some ways, it makes it feel a bit insane to put all that energy in, when all that comes back is more of the same.  I know some artists and writers who speak about the act of creation itself as the meaningful and rewarding aspect of the work, and I do agree with this in large part, however, I also think this attitude can easily justify the community overlooking certain work.  It is a bit like telling someone who loses that the important part was just competing, which has a level of truth to it, but not if the game seemed to be rigged.  In many cases, (I am not saying this is true for me as I can only speculate on my situation), people are not able to succeed because of some aspect of their identity, and while this is changing, the attitude that creating the work should be the reward, is rather snide in that regard.  Of course, creating is rewarding, and no one who pursues a creative profession is doing this without experiencing some level of fulfillment from the pursuit itself.  That should be obvious, because no one would make the effort it takes to get good at any type of creative pursuit if they were not motivated by the activity itself, in some regard.  That is to say, it is the fun and reward of creating that makes most people stick with it.  But, that is not an answer for what an artist deserves for their work.  If a person enjoys working, should that mean they should not expect some form of remuneration?  For me, i also tend to think of the work I do as incomplete until it is engaged with by a reader.  For me, a poem or story is not the linguistic artifact I have created, but the experience it is intended to evoke, so I do not really feel all that fulfilled by having finished a piece if it will sit around on my computer or be read by a few friends, perhaps.  For me, that work is kind of failed, because it has not had an opportunity to exist in the minds of readers.  That is, of course,  more personal perspective, and not necessarily as relevant for many others, but it is a part of this.  In the end, though, I often feel like asking these people why, if they feel this way, they do not just give all their work out for free and refuse payment of any sort.  It seems rather strange that I often hear this kind of stuff from successful people who are discussing why others should not expect any external remuneration, or from those who have given up seeking a career after not succeeding.