A Writer's Notebook, Day Seven-Hundred-And-Sixty-Nine

 I received another rejection today.  As I said, I am expecting that I will receive more responses in the coming week, before the holidays begin in earnest.  It has been about one a day this week, I believe, and it does begin to feel a bit like water torture, a drip at a time.  Of course, the only thing that would make it seem better is for the trend that I am experiencing to change.  Continuing on this path feels just self-destructive, at times.  I do not have the ability to see this in any way that changes my feelings, and I have attempted to do so.  I've been working hard to find perspectives that alter the framework through which I am experiencing this, but it falls apart for me.  I feel, often, as if it is just self-delusional, and denying the truth of the situation.  The evidence is here, and it is not a thing I can deny, no matter what else might also be true.  It does not matter if my work is actually good, at a certain point, if I am only to be dismissed.  In some ways, that makes it worse.  I feel trapped by this, and I need to find a way to escape the situation.  None of this is anything at all new, is the same rabid fomenting I've been circling through for so long without any way out.  I cannot quit, but I also can't continue like this, but I do not have any other options, and even expressing this feels like it is just a waste at this point.  I don't have any clue what to do about any of it, and I know I need actually help, in a practical sense, with real steps and measurable progress that I can observe, but it is not possible for me.  I feel like I need to give up, spiritually, a lot of the time.  Not in the sense of stopping, but just accepting that I am doomed and defeated.  I know I need to fight that off, but without any evidence of change or progress, it is very difficult not for that to keep coming back to me.  I need to see that it hasn't all been a waste, and I am sick of the only things I ever get being compliments or positive messages that don't come with any sort of weight or action.  It is good to have that kind of support, and necessary, and I am very glad for those who provide it, but that does not mean it is enough.

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