A Writer's Notebook, Day Seven-Hundred-And-Sixty-Four

I wish I could explain to my mother how I feel, but it is clear that any such attempts are destined to fail.  The fact is, I have a great deal that I owe her, in ways that are quite specific, which had to do with her ability to help find me the help I needed when I was a child having difficulty in school.  I know that she was instrumental in my being diagnosed as dyslexic, and that she worked incredibly hard to help me overcome those issues in ways that go far beyond what many mothers do for their children in terms of educating them.  In part, this is because she does have a background in education herself, and had picked up on my issues before they wore officially documented.  I am certain that, if she had not been my mother, I would have continued failing at school without any real help.  I do not deny that she fought for me and stood beside me in ways that are quite significant to me even now.  

At the same time, I know that their are also things in our relationship that have been damaged and need to be dealt with.  I have expressed before how I often find that anything I do to reach out is rejected.  Tonight, my mother was not feeling well, so I asked her about what was wrong, and she responded with this dismissive and annoyed tone, while looking at an empty spot on the wall opposite where I was sitting.  Yet, if I had mentioned my feeling that she seemed upset or annoyed, I am sure she would dismiss it as me reading into things, or offer some excuse about her not feeling well.  This is always the response to my feelings, and each individual item is easy enough to dismiss.  But, if I point out the pattern, it is meaningless to her, is my problem and not real at all.

I often do not even tell her about things she has done that were really hurtful to me.  Melissa planned a special outing for my birthday and we invited her and my brother to join us.  This was a private tour of an art installation, and my mom is very interested in contemporary art, so I had no issue sharing the experience.  However, as soon as we arrived, my mother took the guard and explained to him that she was involved at several museums and one of her groups was coming for a tour.  She made no mention of my birthday, and monopolized the entire tour, as though she had invited us to join her.  At times when I showed interest or enthusiasm and asked the guide about a piece of art, he would offer a dismissive answer, then rush along to show my mother the next installation.  I am certain that if I mentioned this to her, she would be completely incapable of recognizing her behavior.  Just as, when she and I visited the new location of the school that I attended as a child, she told the guide that the school had "saved her life," and made it all about her, even though it was me revisiting an institution of great import to my childhood.  

All this is the way it has been for so long now.  I have attempted to have conversations with her, but she does not accept the idea that she has any need to change, while demanding that I remain as I am and in my current role, but without complaint.  That is how it feels to me, especially when she has grown angry with me over my suggesting our relationship might need repair.  Saying that was taken as a severe insult, and she told me I had hurt her terribly because she thinks we are very close and have a great relationship.  Now, it is true that she has become more aware of some of this lately, but it seems as if she is still acting as she always had and refusing to acknowledge anything, just saying and doing things with a nicer tone most of the time. 

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