Writer's Notebook, Day Seven-Hundred-And-Eighty-Seven

I have an early day tomorrow, and I am rather anxious about the morning for various reasons, so I am working to get finished early, get some sleep, and try to make the best of things.  Honestly, I have an appointment tomorrow that I hope will go well, but which already had me somewhat conflicted, and the introduction I had to the person I am meeting involved me receiving and being forced to fill out a large set of forms, and it is, for me, a rather upsetting thing.  For me, as a person with severe dyslexia, I have a fair amount of difficulty interpreting certain kinds of information.  I am not all that capable of filling in blanks or grids, and often misunderstand visual cues others interpret without thought.  For this reason alone, it is quite hard for me to fill out a form.  If it is intended to be done by hand, that is also physical torture, as a result of the specifics of my learning disabilities, which I have discussed here before.  If the form is on computer, this reduces certain physical strain, but adds other mental issues for me.  I find it quite hard using a mouse and cursor in general, as they require connecting movements to separate events in space.  When I move a mouse, I want to look at my hand, not at the screen, because my fine motor skills are not acute enough to adjust without looking at my hand, but if I look at my hand, I am not getting any information about the cursor, because my hand is not near the cursor.  If I go to the use of a stylus, that is like using a pen on paper.  For me, the best solution was the old text interfaces that were used in DOS and other OS's of a certain era, but Windows and other GUI options rule things, and I find it rather difficult.  When I was a boy, the computer was a savior for me, in a real sense.  I could do work with a lot more ease, but the moment it turned into Windows, I found myself having a great deal of trouble, to be honest. 

Okay, so the point I am making is that filling out forms is a rather difficult process for me, however they are presented.  As well, I have been forced many times to fill out forms, and been punished for my troubles with them.  I had a job at one point where I was very good at the actual work, but the forms required overwhelmed me and I was not able to keep up, and it was taken out on me, as my failing, even though the job was teaching students who had learning issues, and the office knew of my disabilities before I received the job.  This is not even a major example, to be honest, but it illustrates that their is a certain set of expectations, and as a person with dyslexia and dysgraphia and various other problems, I am not suited to meeting them, and they are thrust upon me again and again, each day, in many different ways, and by people who insist that I need to do it, that it must be me who does it, and refuse to consider anything I say as more than an excuse.  What happens, quite often, when I do acquiesce, is that the form is not useful, because it is illegible or has misinformation resulting from my inability to follow the forms intent, and the person receiving it will respond to this by being agitated with me, as though it is my intention, or treating me as a dolt or otherwise problematic in ways unworthy of consideration.  It cannot be that a person could produce such results for genuine reasons, besides carelessness or obstinacy.  And this is after I have been tortured to do the damned things.

As a result of this, perhaps it is understandable that I find forms to be quite upsetting.  Receiving forms feels hostile and aggressive for me, in the way that a person with a physical handicap might find it upsetting to be told they must find a way in to a building that is not designed as accessible.  And it is what I encounter each day, is more and more what is necessary for anything, and I can't help but feel hostility from anyone who sends them to me, even when it is not a person, or when it is a person who does not know.  It is not rational, but it is still real, and it poses a great difficulty, because those who ask for these things often are not flexible, and I find it rather difficult.  

For me, the answer is often that I will wait to fill out a form until I have the help of the person who needs it, because that is, for me, the only way that I feel safe, to be honest.  I am afraid with anyone else that I will misread it, or it will be misread in some way, or that I will not understand the question and will answer wrong even with help.  Also, I do not really feel comfortable confronting this issue head on with someone on the phone or over email.  I want to explain it in person, and that feels significant to me, as does genuine help.  So, I find it particularly upsetting when I received forms and was told I had to fill them out before the appointment, or it would be cancelled on me, and it makes me somewhat angry at the person who has done this, though I have not met them yet and they do not know any of this, so far as I am aware, and so it feels rather fraught to me, at the moment, so getting a decent nights sleep seems a good idea.