A Writer's Notebook, Day Seven-Hundred-And-Fifty-Four

 I have had a rather upsetting day, highlighted by a rather distressing interaction with my brother and mother this afternoon which has left me feeling extremely hurt.  I don't want to get into the specifics, but I literally said that I wanted to work with my mother to have a better relationship and she told me that she was unwilling to do anything, and that any issues in my relationship are my fault.  There is a great deal more to this, but the entire conversation has me thinking that my mother does not even perceive me in any way that is authentic, and has made it clear that anything I say or do to is a reflection of her deranged ideas about me.  I don't know how to deal with this at all, and am feeling rather terrible about writing this here.  The truth is that I love my mother and my brother very much, and I want to do what I can to make things better with them, and it is incredibly painful to feel that any effort I could make would be pointless, that they seem to actively want to harm the possibility of such change.  I feel trapped, as I do not want to lose my family, but they are, whether they want to recognize it or not, treating me in a way that is pushing me farther and farther and making me feel less and less like they want me in their lives.  I need my family, I just don't want to be the whipping boy, yet it is clear that is the only role they have for me.  I don't know what to do, because it is another of these situations that is untenable which I do not feel I can change in any way that is positive.

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