A Writer's Notebook, Day Seven-Hundred-And-Twenty

 I got to work earlier in the day again, though once more it was only some of my work for the day.  It is still quite difficult to get motivated, as I've been contemplating the same issues over and over, about the difficulties I am having with getting anything published at the moment, and a large part of what is troubling me at the moment is the desire to be able to have a real conversation and get some sort of insight.  I don't think it is unreasonable for me to think that I should have, in the time I spent being educated in my art, learned the skills necessary to have a professional career.  In all the workshops I have attended, I have not had anyone point to issues in my poetry that are overarching and would prevent it from being published.  To the contrary, I've had a great deal of encouragement, and I do not believe I would have made the choice to focus on writing in the way I have if not for the mentors who supported my endeavors and convinced me I had a talent worth pursuing.  I have to believe that those people were being sincere, and trust that my writing is good, but I am also aware of the reality of my current circumstances, and it is impossible that both are true without something more to it than just bad luck.  I need help, and I don't think I am unreasonable to be seeking guidance at a time when I am struggling in this way, and telling me to continue and hope, that it is a matter of luck and perseverance is not any sort of answer, not unless the person saying it is willing to admit the issues that are revealed about the system that leads to such outcomes.  

I am not suggesting that I deserve to have my work published just because I am dedicated and want to, but rather that their is some problem with the inscrutability of this.  It would be one thing to have all these works rejected if it were informative, but I have no opportunity to find out why my work is rejected, and editors go out of their way to make clear that they do not want to express any opinion about work they are rejecting (which seems to me to be a denial of what it means to curate work in the way an editor must), stating that it is not any sort of reflection on the work.  At the same time, those who do offer insight on the work, those I share my writing with in workshop or other poets I know and trust, are positive.  If I were speaking of events in a hobby community, that would be one thing, but the professionals I speak with know my seriousness, and I know that many of them would be brutally honest with me if the work was bad, as they have said things to me of that sort, in reference to a specific poem, usually offering a comparison to some of my other, more effective writing.  I'm not saying this to suggest I am a genius who deserves recognition, but to say that their is something wrong if a diligent person can make an effort to progress, receive positive feedback, and yet meet a solid wall in trying to get published and not be able to find any answers about why other than a shrugging of shoulders and  a suggestion that it is a numbers game.

If we wish to speak of numbers, I have sent out more than sixty submissions this year, having received back around thirty.  This has cost me at least two or three hundred dollars already in submission fees.  That does not include the money I spend, as a person who is dyslexic, getting help formatting submissions for specific publishers or the cost of researching journals and other venues, let alone the amount of money I've spent in educating myself.  Is it ridiculous of me to ask for some kind of advice and help in knowing what is wrong here?  Even when I have asked other poets, one's who know my work well and who I trust deeply, none have ever suggested it was at all related to my writing itself, saying the same things that editors will, about sending out more work.  If my work can't get published, I should be able to learn what I am doing wrong and find a way to work towards doing better, instead of being told to just keep doing the same things that are not working but more of it.

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