A Writer's Notebook, Day Six-Hundred-And-Forty-One
I managed to get my work done early tonight in spite of having a long and rather busy day. I have an early morning tomorrow, so I was focused on being able to get to bed at a reasonable time. I am still attempting to figure out a resolution for my current frustration. As I said yesterday, I feel a need to be certain of my progress. Without some sort of evidence, it feels as if my efforts may be wasted, and considering the extent of my efforts, that is quite frightening as an idea. It is considering the amount of work I have and confronting it as a delusion, as some sort of mania instead of what it is intended to be, and while I have many who have expressed support for my work and made it clear that I have talent as a poet and writer, the fact that editors, so far, do not agree, lays doubt before me. The question becomes how I can move through this. Some would tell me, I know, to quit, that it is clear I do not have the strength to take this, but, even were I to say that was true, at this point, quitting with so much work already done would lead me to self-destruct. I could not look back on all of that unpublished material without feeling that I was either an undeserving failure or that my writing was literal insanity.
Beyond any of that, though, is the fact that writing is not a thing I chose to do but somehow just a part of me. From a very young age I was fascinated with language, and learning to read and write were some of the most significant and empowering memories from childhood. That may sound strange to some, but bare in mind that I am severely dyslexic and learning to read was a milestone achievement in my early life. Once I had learned to read, I became voracious and it was not long until I was attempting to write as well. To give up on my writing would be antithetical to core aspects of who I am. I cannot do that, even were I so inclined, but more than one person I am close with suggested that, seeing my current frustration.
The fact is, I have no options that I can think of. When I ask for advice, I am told to study poetry and writing by reading, getting an MFA, attending conferences, and various other things I am already doing. I am told that it is often a matter of working on your writing itself, of writing more and spending more time with your work, but I think anyone familiar with my current work ethos would see that is not realistic for me. I do not mean that I cannot improve work, but I am writing a great deal already, and spend much of my time focused on improving that work. I also, as is suggested, submit to many and varies journals. At present, I have around thirty active submissions out, in addition to the twenty rejections I have received. These are the steps that I am told to take, but what am I to do about the feeling I have right now that all that effort is ineffective? I need a way to not feel trapped, and the only thing I am certain can help is to take positive action, but I am already doing what I am told should be done and the ineffectiveness of that is what has me in this state. Their must be a solution. Their is no way I can just live with it, and I have attempted to shift my thinking but it does not change.
What makes it worse, at times, is that I do recognize the reality of the situation for editors and the nature of the industry. For many small journals, each poem that can be published represents dozens or more that were rejected, and elite journals have far higher rejection rates. I do not blame an editor who is not interested in a packet of poems I send in, and while I do have my issues with aspects of this industry, I am not saying that I feel entitled to get my work accepted because I want it, rather, I am saying that I am willing to do what is necessary within this industry, but I need some actual.guodance, some way to determine, at the very least, what I am doing that is not working now. I do not know anything at all about these rejections, or how.close or far I am from acceptance. I have no way to know what I must do to alter this, and if I listen to the advice that is coming to me, I am being told I can do nothing and must just suffer with it, and that would be unlivable. There must be a solution.
Beyond any of that, though, is the fact that writing is not a thing I chose to do but somehow just a part of me. From a very young age I was fascinated with language, and learning to read and write were some of the most significant and empowering memories from childhood. That may sound strange to some, but bare in mind that I am severely dyslexic and learning to read was a milestone achievement in my early life. Once I had learned to read, I became voracious and it was not long until I was attempting to write as well. To give up on my writing would be antithetical to core aspects of who I am. I cannot do that, even were I so inclined, but more than one person I am close with suggested that, seeing my current frustration.
The fact is, I have no options that I can think of. When I ask for advice, I am told to study poetry and writing by reading, getting an MFA, attending conferences, and various other things I am already doing. I am told that it is often a matter of working on your writing itself, of writing more and spending more time with your work, but I think anyone familiar with my current work ethos would see that is not realistic for me. I do not mean that I cannot improve work, but I am writing a great deal already, and spend much of my time focused on improving that work. I also, as is suggested, submit to many and varies journals. At present, I have around thirty active submissions out, in addition to the twenty rejections I have received. These are the steps that I am told to take, but what am I to do about the feeling I have right now that all that effort is ineffective? I need a way to not feel trapped, and the only thing I am certain can help is to take positive action, but I am already doing what I am told should be done and the ineffectiveness of that is what has me in this state. Their must be a solution. Their is no way I can just live with it, and I have attempted to shift my thinking but it does not change.
What makes it worse, at times, is that I do recognize the reality of the situation for editors and the nature of the industry. For many small journals, each poem that can be published represents dozens or more that were rejected, and elite journals have far higher rejection rates. I do not blame an editor who is not interested in a packet of poems I send in, and while I do have my issues with aspects of this industry, I am not saying that I feel entitled to get my work accepted because I want it, rather, I am saying that I am willing to do what is necessary within this industry, but I need some actual.guodance, some way to determine, at the very least, what I am doing that is not working now. I do not know anything at all about these rejections, or how.close or far I am from acceptance. I have no way to know what I must do to alter this, and if I listen to the advice that is coming to me, I am being told I can do nothing and must just suffer with it, and that would be unlivable. There must be a solution.
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