A Writer's Notebook, Day Four-Hundred-And-Forty-One

In many ways, issues surrounding publishing are quite complicated.  This is not merely about my own personal experiences, or about my desire to get work into print, but about the larger questions of social movements in our time.  To begin, I want to admit that I, as with many people, do not always think of myself as "privileged."  This is not an uncommon thing, really.  I recall a teacher of mine, in high school, admitting at one point that he had to have it pointed out to him, that though he was African-American, his identity as a straight male gave him a higher standing than many in general within the culture.  It is not to deny his experiences as a minority, but instead to recognize a larger context in which identity can be far more complicated than any one dimension.  

For me, as a person who is Jewish, I often do not identify myself as white.  This is a complicated issue, and one I am not wanting to debate at the moment, but I recognize it as being conflicted for many.  As such, I do not dismiss my culturally identity as a white male.  I know that I am often seen that way.  At the same time, I recall my father telling me, quite bluntly, that he would never advance in his career beyond a certain point for "political reasons" that he made clear were related to being a Jew, and not entirely accepted by his counterparts of other identities.  While I know that I am seen as a white person, generally, and recognize that I am identified that way by many in our culture, that does not make the issue less complicated.

Still, I know that in the context of sending out work to publishers, from general context, it is likely that I would be assumed to be a white male.  I don't have any issue with the idea that I am seen as privileged in this context.  I recognize I have had many advantages in my background, at least on paper, even if they have not always worked out the way one might expect.  I know that many people have had to get through difficulties, and I am not here to compare the issues I've experienced with anyone else's in order to determine who deserves what.  I know that my work comes from a perspective that is far more represented, in terms of cultural identity, then most, and I realize the significance of changing the landscape to include those often ignored voices.

The problem is, what does that leave me to do as a writer?  I do have aspects of my identity that put me outside the norm, in ways that are often less represented.  My learning disabilities, for example.  Even being overweight.  While I do write about these things, I don't wish to use them as a way to forward my career.  That is not to judge anyone who is writing from a perspective, but for me, that would not feel genuine.  It is not my path.  I don't want, really, my identity to be the central issue of my work.  It has never been at the core of most of my poetry, and I would be uncomfortable presenting myself through such a lens.  It would be a lie; even if it did result in publication of more work, I would not feel right about it.

At the same time, of course, I still believe that my work is of value, that it is deserving of publication.  I do not want to deny any other person their chance, especially not those who might never have had real opportunities in previous eras, but does that require me to stop being a writer?  It is not enough to write and keep my work in a drawer.  That is suffocating, in a way, at least for me.  It feels as though I am speaking to someone on the phone, but no one is actually their.  To write only for myself does not fulfill the creative desire that motivates my work in the first place, but instead becomes frustrating.  

As well, not writing isn't any sort of positive option.  I spent many years stagnating.  Not writing was a torture I inflicted upon myself in those years.  It often felt easier not to write, and I know part of that motivation was the sense that I was not writing for anyone.  It felt pointless to spend time putting words on paper without the support to get it into print, or at least a way to share it with others.  As such, I found myself incapable of working.  It was many years to get myself out of that place, and I do not wish to go back there.  That is not a path I wish to follow again.

Part of this also relies upon the question of whether it is a zero-sum game.  I do not know, really, if my success would deny that to another person.  It is certain that one poem or manuscript being selected means one less being chosen in that particular case.  But, does that impose a hard limit?  Is their only so much writing that can be in the world?  If so, if only a limited number of writers can ever have success, and the rest, whether talented or not, are just out of luck, I do not know what to say.  I do not want to deny anyone a chance.  I'm not putting my work out there in hopes that it will prevent another writer's success, but it often feels that this is the context I am in right now.  

It is hard to find a path forward that is genuine in such a context.  I am sure some would tell me to stop, that I am denying others who might be, in some sense, more deserving, or whose work is more necessary to the world, or just representative of what has been ignored for too long, and I have sympathy for that perspective.  I do not really feel it is right to be told that, if I am honest.  I mean, writing is both my natural inclination and my field of study.  It is a major aspect of my identity, and it is not something I would ever give up by choice, especially not after having lived without writing before.  

So, where does this leave me?  What is the right way for a person to act here?  I want to be honest about all of this.  It is a complicated issue, and I do not see anyone offering real guidance to those who are in my situation, beyond the general comment that things have changed, that it is someone else's turn now.  Perhaps it is just, in a general sense.  I did not deny women of a past generation a voice, never was there to keep out members of various racial minorities, and had no part in keeping down those whose gender or sexual identities were denied and threatened, but those actions occurred, and it cannot be denied that a major result of this was a cultural monopoly by individuals that I resemble, who might be considered my antecedents.  It may well be just that I am treated as if I were responsible for their misdeeds, that I am paying for their sins.  Indeed, one might make the argument, though I do not believe it, that a man like myself would not hold any of my current views were it permissible for me to remain as those before me.  I can provide no evidence to the contrary, as I only know my mind as it stands, but I do hope I would have some sense of egalitarianism even in another context.  That may be, I admit, self-delusion.

But, to offer only the suggestion of self-denial, of exclusion, is not a real answer.  It leaves no path forward for a large number of individuals, and the only people supplying any form of guidance are often those who stand against progress.  If I were to look for a specific plan of action in my situation, I am certain that one exists, but it comes from those who would deny the need for a change in the first place.  They would suggest fighting against the changing landscape of our culture, insisting that what has been before was superior, that those creating it deserve to be at the top for all time.  That is not a path I think of as having any value at all, and it is not something that I wish to condone.  To think that way is the ultimate evidence for why it is necessary to make these kinds of real changes.

So, if I were to listen to the voices currently speaking in our culture, the only choice is between stopping entirely, denying myself the right to do my art in an authentic sense, or fighting against progress in order to maintain a backwards status quo.  It seems to me that some, on both sides of this fight, would argue that just my attempting to publish my work is to act against change and towards the restoration of that status quo.  It is not my intent, but I do see how, from certain perspectives, that might be considered true.  However, I do not want to be in a situation where even a basic attempt on my part is construed in that way.  Their needs to be a different path forward, but I do not believe anyone is considering the question.  Indeed, those who would call me selfish for even considering this a valid consideration might well be right, but that does not change the situation for me, and I would imagine for others as well.  Though it is a situation familiar to many, even if not those whom I would be identified along side of, who I acknowledge have had their own way for a very long time, and still do in many regards, even in the context I am speaking of.