A Writer's Notebook, Day Three-Hundred-And-Seventy-One
I have had a very long day today. It started at around 4:30 in the morning, when I woke and could not get back to sleep. Instead, I got up and began my work for the morning. I didn't expect much from that work, but it turned out quite well, I think. It is, of course, possible that looking back on that work, I'll find it is mostly incoherent or just plain bad, but I felt quite good about the work at the time. As well, despite my being rather exhausted when I set to work this evening, I feel quite good about the poems I produced.
In some ways, the poems I wrote today felt more fulfilling to create than many of those I've been writing of late. That does not, of course, reflect quality, but it does suggest something about the process itself. It seems rather odd to me that this happened today, when I am so tired. Yet, it seems to me that, when I consider it, their is a connection, though I don't know what it is entirely.
I think a part of it has to do with the feeling that I am too tired to judge myself. In part, I am saying, just do it, get it over so you can go to bed, and that is an aspect of this, yes, but beyond that, I think their is also a way in which certain critical aspects of my mind are just not up for their usual games. Of course, all that could be bunco, and it may just be a part of the process. As I mentioned in last night's entry, often these things come and go in a way that is more about where I am in my process. These ups and downs certainly cycle, and I am not surprised to be entering a phase in it where I again feel that fulfillment.
It may be that I am just imagining a connection to my lack of sleep. It is absolutely possible I would have felt this way today, even other different circumstances. My sense of having done work that hit the sweet spot, in some sense, may even be a reaction to the sleeplessness, and tomorrow I may wake and see that I was delusional thinking these poems have merit. But, even if that happens, I know that what is more important is the commitment, and I am certain a great part of the fulfillment I feel tonight is just knowing that I didn't succumb even when I was this tired, but still did the writing to which I have committed myself, and that feeling will not be gone tomorrow, no matter the quality of what I find.
In some ways, the poems I wrote today felt more fulfilling to create than many of those I've been writing of late. That does not, of course, reflect quality, but it does suggest something about the process itself. It seems rather odd to me that this happened today, when I am so tired. Yet, it seems to me that, when I consider it, their is a connection, though I don't know what it is entirely.
I think a part of it has to do with the feeling that I am too tired to judge myself. In part, I am saying, just do it, get it over so you can go to bed, and that is an aspect of this, yes, but beyond that, I think their is also a way in which certain critical aspects of my mind are just not up for their usual games. Of course, all that could be bunco, and it may just be a part of the process. As I mentioned in last night's entry, often these things come and go in a way that is more about where I am in my process. These ups and downs certainly cycle, and I am not surprised to be entering a phase in it where I again feel that fulfillment.
It may be that I am just imagining a connection to my lack of sleep. It is absolutely possible I would have felt this way today, even other different circumstances. My sense of having done work that hit the sweet spot, in some sense, may even be a reaction to the sleeplessness, and tomorrow I may wake and see that I was delusional thinking these poems have merit. But, even if that happens, I know that what is more important is the commitment, and I am certain a great part of the fulfillment I feel tonight is just knowing that I didn't succumb even when I was this tired, but still did the writing to which I have committed myself, and that feeling will not be gone tomorrow, no matter the quality of what I find.
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