A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Hundred-And-Eighty-One

It has been a rather quiet Sunday, and I spent much of the day just resting up.  I wrote a new poem, of course, and I feel it may have some merit, even now at this early stage. It is important for me to think in terms of that revision process, as that is where so much of the real work needs to be done.  I am still being lazy about it, honestly, but being aware of that, I am also able to make the necessary changes.  I feel that this will be a  pretty good week to start on some of that, as I know that Melissa is going to be pretty busy much of the time, so I should have the opportunity to focus on the work for myself.

It is rather hard to do revision without some guidance, at least for me, but that is probably something that is a result of how I have worked in the past.  Most of the periods when I have been truly productive in terms of poetry were in school when I had others who were experienced poets who could provide insights.  I am now, though, at a point where I need to really focus on the work for myself.  It is, as with many things, a matter of learning to trust myself in the process.  I am going to start work, tomorrow, on some revisions.  I have one poem in particular that I know I need to work on and I already have some sense of how to change it around, so I think that will be a good place to start.

I think that the fear which underlies my trepidation about revision is a matter of not feeling that I always know what is or is not working in a poem (or in my writing in general).  It is easy to overlook an image or a moment of power in the writing, and the fear that the work won't get better but worse as a result is natural.  Maybe it is an offshoot of the general impostor syndrome.  I have a sense that it is something like that, but I am not yet able to articulate it clearly.

I also realize that the issues I discussed yesterday connect as well.  The disorganization and inability to manage things in a more structured way is a big part of what has held me back, I think.  In doing revision, there is a need for a kind of discipline that I am not currently able to supply myself, and I need to take care of that. 

In general, I also need to realize that I am being somewhat hard on myself in a way.  While I can say, honestly, that I could have made a more consistent effort in the past, I also need to accept that where I am right now is my starting point, and the past several months I have made huge strides and changes.  So, though I know I have more to do, and that I am not yet at the place where I want to be, even in terms of my writing routine, I also realize that I have come much further of late than I had in a long time.  I need to accept where I am, even in doing what I can to bring myself to where I wish to be, and that is a difficult balance, especially when it is easy to slip into self-flagellation over not taking these steps sooner. 

The bottom line is that I am on my way, and even as I am now, I feel that I will get there, but I also know that I can make things easier with the right help.  In the end, I feel I can be more productive, and can make this journey, perhaps, a bit shorter.  Of course, that is not a certainty, but even if it turns out not to be the case, making the other changes would certainly make the time spent more pleasant.

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