A Writer's Notebook, Day Sixty-Nine
In spite of my misgivings and hesitation, I actually had a quite good day in terms of writing. Not only am I now over 60,000 words, but I also think that I understand the structural and formal elements of the ending. Now, of course, I still need to see exactly how that will work in terms of plot, but understanding how the story will work and how it will be told are immense for me.
I do still feel a bit shaky about the overall story, and whether it is working or not. The book has a rather convoluted story, and that could be too much. As well, certain elements might be introduced too late, at least in terms of their direct revelation. I do feel that the story moves well, in a general sense, though I can still imagine how it might need to be smoothed out a bit and their are certainly still other additions I wish to do.
It also may be that I will need to go back and look at the book very carefully in terms of word choice after I finish the ending. I feel, certainly, that I will have a clearer sense of the narrative elements that are at play, and may wish to explore that once I have a bit more understanding of it. I worry about the balance of action in the story, also, and am not certain how it will read.
At the same time, I also think that I have a bad sense of this in general, especially right at this moment. The ending that I have in mind, in all these different ways, feels so clearly intentional to me. For one thing, I have recalled, now that I am at this point, thinking something that is close to what I am going to do, and imagining it would be important as a reason for exploring the kind of narrative voice I am implementing. That idea was one that I had entirely dismissed and forgotten, and was quite different from what is actually going to be happening, though it does involve the same type of narrative shifts.
As well, I had a concern about shifting the narration because it would require certain concessions in the text that I did not like. What I came up with as a solution is a more difficult and less traditional approach, but it does not have the same issues as other possible choices inherently would. Now, the thing that makes this interesting is that the approach is one that is very much an idea I have already been exploring, but have not yet implemented beyond simple experimentation.
I find it very difficult to imagine that the many things that are clearly intentional, when I consider the ending, are accidents and not something that, in some way, was already planned, and if that is the case, I have to trust in that same process for getting through the actual writing of the ending. By that, I mean that if I have these very complicated formal, structural and narrative shifts that seem to have been intentional, despite my not having realized they were coming while writing, it suggests that my unconscious has a far more complex understanding of the book.
In short, while I may only have a vague sense of things as I write, they may be far more intricately connected than I can see. I do keep finding that things I thought were perhaps just detail are far more interesting and complicated, and recur in ways that surprise me. Ideas connect in strange and fascinating ways as well. In short, I do feel that sense that someone has planned it all out, at times, and I am just along for the ride.
Again, that may all be an illusion and I might just tap dance really fast, if you know what I mean, but I do feel as if it is more than that. The fact that I feel that, though, doesn't make me less anxious at the moment, and I can't help but wonder just what it is that I think may not be just right. Of course, I also see that this ending, if I can make it work the way it should, will be something spectacular that might alter the meaning of the rest of the book in various ways.
In the end, it all comes down to get that last bit written so I can figure out the rest. I believe I can get there, and that it won't be too difficult to make it by the end of the month. I may have to make myself get to work at times, but I also see that I can usually do that pretty easily if I just pull up the document and start. I am hooked on this book, and I can't wait to find out just how it will all end.
I do still feel a bit shaky about the overall story, and whether it is working or not. The book has a rather convoluted story, and that could be too much. As well, certain elements might be introduced too late, at least in terms of their direct revelation. I do feel that the story moves well, in a general sense, though I can still imagine how it might need to be smoothed out a bit and their are certainly still other additions I wish to do.
It also may be that I will need to go back and look at the book very carefully in terms of word choice after I finish the ending. I feel, certainly, that I will have a clearer sense of the narrative elements that are at play, and may wish to explore that once I have a bit more understanding of it. I worry about the balance of action in the story, also, and am not certain how it will read.
At the same time, I also think that I have a bad sense of this in general, especially right at this moment. The ending that I have in mind, in all these different ways, feels so clearly intentional to me. For one thing, I have recalled, now that I am at this point, thinking something that is close to what I am going to do, and imagining it would be important as a reason for exploring the kind of narrative voice I am implementing. That idea was one that I had entirely dismissed and forgotten, and was quite different from what is actually going to be happening, though it does involve the same type of narrative shifts.
As well, I had a concern about shifting the narration because it would require certain concessions in the text that I did not like. What I came up with as a solution is a more difficult and less traditional approach, but it does not have the same issues as other possible choices inherently would. Now, the thing that makes this interesting is that the approach is one that is very much an idea I have already been exploring, but have not yet implemented beyond simple experimentation.
I find it very difficult to imagine that the many things that are clearly intentional, when I consider the ending, are accidents and not something that, in some way, was already planned, and if that is the case, I have to trust in that same process for getting through the actual writing of the ending. By that, I mean that if I have these very complicated formal, structural and narrative shifts that seem to have been intentional, despite my not having realized they were coming while writing, it suggests that my unconscious has a far more complex understanding of the book.
In short, while I may only have a vague sense of things as I write, they may be far more intricately connected than I can see. I do keep finding that things I thought were perhaps just detail are far more interesting and complicated, and recur in ways that surprise me. Ideas connect in strange and fascinating ways as well. In short, I do feel that sense that someone has planned it all out, at times, and I am just along for the ride.
Again, that may all be an illusion and I might just tap dance really fast, if you know what I mean, but I do feel as if it is more than that. The fact that I feel that, though, doesn't make me less anxious at the moment, and I can't help but wonder just what it is that I think may not be just right. Of course, I also see that this ending, if I can make it work the way it should, will be something spectacular that might alter the meaning of the rest of the book in various ways.
In the end, it all comes down to get that last bit written so I can figure out the rest. I believe I can get there, and that it won't be too difficult to make it by the end of the month. I may have to make myself get to work at times, but I also see that I can usually do that pretty easily if I just pull up the document and start. I am hooked on this book, and I can't wait to find out just how it will all end.
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