A Writer's Notebook, Day Seventy-Three

I decided that, having finished the first draft of the new novel, I would take a day off from most of my writing.  I did do some reviewing of the novel, though only the first few pages, and I can see that it will definitely need work, but I already knew that.  I do feel incredible to have completed it, and I recognize that what I have already accomplished, thus far is a great deal.

It seems worth considering what I think was right and what may not have worked as well, in terms of the process that I have been following.  I feel that the use of the timer worked quite well for most of the book, but then, at some point towards the end, I rebelled against that and found I was able to do more work with less regimenting at that point.  The sense of obligation to reach the end is something that I felt very strongly about, and it did create some anxiety, but allowing myself to recognize that it wouldn't matter at the end of the day made a big difference to that.  It was at that time that I also stopped using the timer, and that was the point when the end finally came together for me.

In essence, I think this maps a relationship to deadlines that is fairly clear.  When they are further off, but still looming, it creates enough pressure that I feel compelled without being overwhelmed.  It is a balancing act, and I think that releasing the pressure at the end allowed me to do the work.  It is ironic, as I had always felt, even when I said that I wasn't going to hold myself to that deadline, that I did want to finish before the month was out.  It is strange that, despite my still feeling that intention, I was so much less stressed when I stated that I wasn't holding myself to that officially any longer.

One of the most significant lessons, I believe, is the recognition that I am at home in the novel form, to a degree that kind of shocks me, really.  While I had previously written a novel, and was enthralled through that process, it was in writing this book that I came to see this most clearly.  I think that I felt, in writing W/R, that the impulse was more connected to the specific piece, and not as much to writing a novel.  It was my first novel, so I did not see what was inherent to that form, but writing a second novel has opened up my awareness to this.

As well, I do feel a kind of natural kinship with the form.  This may be partly because I have probably read more novels than any other form of book in my life, certainly this was the case in my youth.  While I do read much besides fiction, I read many novels as a youth, and so it makes sense that I might well have absorbed a sense of the structure.  Beyond this, though, I feel that some aspect of my mind is attuned to the longer format, and suspect that much more planning is occurring than I am consciously privy too.  Of course, I'll never really have confirmation of that, but what is more significant is that it symbolizes a feeling of comfort that seems to have sprung upon me rather quickly.

Having written only two novels, I feel a very strong sense to keep exploring what I can do within a novel.  There are certainly many other lessons that this month has uncovered.  I have gained a sense of trust in myself, certainly, but beyond that, I have also come to have a deeper understanding of plot and story, and of character development as well.  Many of those are lessons that will still need to be unpacked, but I saw how much characters can change and grow, and how just a little bit of detail is often the difference between a flat non-person and a fleshed out individual.  I learned a great deal about controlling the language of the book, especially in terms of how it reflects character.

I also think that I gained a really key insight about how I can incorporate formal experimentation into a book into a book of broader appeal/  The very nature of how the book came together was a result of formal choices that I made, and they allowed an ending that would never have been conceivable without this.  At the same time, those elements do not prevent the book from being the kind of strange and silly adventure that I thought it could be.  Again, I know that much of it will need work.  I spotted many little errors and one larger issue already, and that is only the first few pages.

Now, of course, I also know that I probably learned many other things this month, but some of those lessons will need to be unpacked later.  As well, I know that much of the knowledge has been integrated, though not in a way that is consciously coherent yet.  By this, I mean that there are many things which I think about and it is clear that my thinking process has changed some, but I couldn't quite explain the reasoning for those shifts.  Through continuing my apprenticeship to the novel, I hope to make these understandings more explicit, while deepening and expanding them.  

I am sure, as well, that in rereading and editing, I will become aware of even more.  Not only is it likely that I will get a deeper understanding of what is and is not working, but also I expect to see just what I was doing and why.  Just allowing some more time, I think I will gain a better grasp on the actual nature of the work.  At the present, I am still in a state of elation about completing the work, but I know that isn't going to last, and as it fades, I will probably have a more objective perspective on the writing.

Finally, I also came to see that writing a novel, or at least drafting one, is a far easier task than many would think.  I do not mean that it is simple, but that it is something I am equipped to do.  It still feels like a large accomplishment, but I also feel less daunted at the idea than at any point in my life.  I've succeeded at completing two novels, and so I can't help but feel that writing another one is well within the reach of my grasp.