A Writer's Notebook: Day Nine
I don't want to keep rehashing things here, but I am still working on the story, and I am still ambivalent about it. That's really about all I can say without feeling like I am just repeating a lot of what I said already. This should not be construed as my not doing more work, or not considering the story, but I am finding it slow going, and I want to actually finish it tomorrow, even if the result is not all that great.
There are so many issues that are coming up for me at the moment in connection to making the changes I am working on for my writing life. I am fighting the resistance, but I can't help but feel that I am still stuck. That is probably a natural thing, but it is frustrating. In truth, I am only feeling that way because I am stuck inside that story, and I know it, but I don't know if I am stuck in the story because it is a story that I don't yet understand, or because I am resisting the changes.
Of course, I have said all of that already. The conflict, though, is that I don't want to repeat, and I am writing this entry about a process that feels fairly stuck at the moment, and I still feel the need to make this entry complete. I have a sense of how long I should make this entry, and I am obsessive enough to say to myself that I need to do something long enough to make it count.
The issue of feeling stuck, though, that is the thing that I need to work on. I am only feeling stuck, and I know it is an illusion. I am not actually stuck, as I have been making large changes and am even moving forwards, albeit slowly, towards the end of this particular story. The illusion of being stuck is actually, I think, a result of my moving forwards. I am setting a high bar for myself, and that is certainly a part of it, but I also realize that I am conflating my feelings about the story with the feelings around my new regiment. This can't be helped. and sorting the specific feelings is not necessarily possible. After all, the story is a result of this new process and is in part bound to be a response to it. So, even the idea that their is a real distinction is not clearly true.
It doesn't even matter where those feelings are coming from. What matters is that feeling of being stuck, and wondering what it is that is not working yet. I don't mean that the story itself well written or interesting up to this point, but that I feel a bit too in the dark and it is keeping me from moving the plot forwards in some way. The events happening seem right, but something is not, and I can feel it. I am sure that I am going to need to do a major rewrite, but I feel that to be able to do it, I will need to have a deeper understanding of something in this story that I am currently not aware of.
I should actually be quite proud of this, though, as I know that in the past I have gotten to a point like this and just quit. I suspect that I set myself up for that in the past, and am attempting to push myself in that direction now, but it won't work. I am too dedicated and need to do this. The story can be crap, and that is okay. The point is that I need to write it. It may well be that when I do, I will find this was a sort of test, my unconscious making me prove I would finish whatever I start. Then, the next idea that comes will be easier to work with and more forthcoming. Perhaps that is not true, or perhaps it will take more than one or two stories to get past this point, but even if I am wrong, I can be certain that committing to finishing this story and keeping on in this way will ultimately yield results
So, tomorrow I will see if I can force myself to get the rest of the story written, and I will do so even though I might feel less than inspired. I will make it through and I will be stronger for it, and I will have a new story. Even if that story is not the best thing I have written, it will be worth the work I put in. Besides, I really can't judge it right now, especially knowing that I will wind up doing a lot more work after I finish that initial draft.
There are so many issues that are coming up for me at the moment in connection to making the changes I am working on for my writing life. I am fighting the resistance, but I can't help but feel that I am still stuck. That is probably a natural thing, but it is frustrating. In truth, I am only feeling that way because I am stuck inside that story, and I know it, but I don't know if I am stuck in the story because it is a story that I don't yet understand, or because I am resisting the changes.
Of course, I have said all of that already. The conflict, though, is that I don't want to repeat, and I am writing this entry about a process that feels fairly stuck at the moment, and I still feel the need to make this entry complete. I have a sense of how long I should make this entry, and I am obsessive enough to say to myself that I need to do something long enough to make it count.
The issue of feeling stuck, though, that is the thing that I need to work on. I am only feeling stuck, and I know it is an illusion. I am not actually stuck, as I have been making large changes and am even moving forwards, albeit slowly, towards the end of this particular story. The illusion of being stuck is actually, I think, a result of my moving forwards. I am setting a high bar for myself, and that is certainly a part of it, but I also realize that I am conflating my feelings about the story with the feelings around my new regiment. This can't be helped. and sorting the specific feelings is not necessarily possible. After all, the story is a result of this new process and is in part bound to be a response to it. So, even the idea that their is a real distinction is not clearly true.
It doesn't even matter where those feelings are coming from. What matters is that feeling of being stuck, and wondering what it is that is not working yet. I don't mean that the story itself well written or interesting up to this point, but that I feel a bit too in the dark and it is keeping me from moving the plot forwards in some way. The events happening seem right, but something is not, and I can feel it. I am sure that I am going to need to do a major rewrite, but I feel that to be able to do it, I will need to have a deeper understanding of something in this story that I am currently not aware of.
I should actually be quite proud of this, though, as I know that in the past I have gotten to a point like this and just quit. I suspect that I set myself up for that in the past, and am attempting to push myself in that direction now, but it won't work. I am too dedicated and need to do this. The story can be crap, and that is okay. The point is that I need to write it. It may well be that when I do, I will find this was a sort of test, my unconscious making me prove I would finish whatever I start. Then, the next idea that comes will be easier to work with and more forthcoming. Perhaps that is not true, or perhaps it will take more than one or two stories to get past this point, but even if I am wrong, I can be certain that committing to finishing this story and keeping on in this way will ultimately yield results
So, tomorrow I will see if I can force myself to get the rest of the story written, and I will do so even though I might feel less than inspired. I will make it through and I will be stronger for it, and I will have a new story. Even if that story is not the best thing I have written, it will be worth the work I put in. Besides, I really can't judge it right now, especially knowing that I will wind up doing a lot more work after I finish that initial draft.
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