Would That I Might

I have been starting work on a lot of new non-fiction recently.  I'm still working on my long project, but it can be helpful for me to get a break from it, at least for a few days.  Very often, I do not like to step away from a piece until I am done, but in this case, so much is already written that their is a certain inertia which brings me back without too much difficulty.  I suspect that it might be different were it a piece of fiction, though I cannot explain exactly why.  In any event, I have a few shorter essays going now as well.  Tonight, I began one that is discussing language around fatness and why I tend to disagree with those who want to reclaim the word "fat."  My argument, essentially, is that the construction, "I am fat," is literally identifying as fat, not as a person who is carrying excess fat, but as the fat itself, which I find troubling, especially since I have very often felt my identity reduced down solely to that one attribute.

It Did Not Change even as it came to when it was due to be done, it did not change. Nothing was said, it just remained unchanging, remained with the same promise, even when it was too late, when it seemed  as if it was too late, but now it has changed, at last it has.  It is not what was there before, though it is not clear if what is said now is better, or even true.

I wish that I felt more enthusiastic and hopeful about things right now, but things have not been going all that great.  Really, I don't even feel like complaining, it is just that I am sitting here wanting to write my blog post and I am thinking about all this stuff that just has me overwhelmed and a bit scared.  I don't have any real way to make any of resolving the things that are bothering me, at least not in any way that would be positive.  In truth, the thing I most want is to be able to actually do something that will make things better, but I am not able to figure out what I can actually do.  I can think of things that could happen, but they are not things that I have control over.  I feel very stuck, and I have felt this way a long time.  I need to figure out what I can do, but that is what I have said all along, and the truth is that I can't, that this is the way things are and it is not in my power to alter that.

Belonging If they could not do it for all, they should not have done it for anyone. I am certain there were reasons given and excuses made, but they speak of each person being equal, of treating all the same.  That is what is said, but they do these things and do not include everyone and act  as if it cannot be avoided and means nothing. That is not the truth, though. They had a choice and it was made. They can say what they wish about their ideals, I am certain they still believe they follow them.

It has been a rather long and frustrating day and I am not really certain what I want to put on the blog tonight.  In truth, I just want to finish this and get myself ready for bed, but I would like to feel that I actually wrote something meaningful here.  I should probably be alright with the idea that sometimes I just need to do the minimum, just need to get it done for the sake of doing the work and staying on target, but  I don't really like that idea, even if it is probably a healthy and realistic attitude.

Our Plan Did Not Go Well and the things we did instead were nothing I wanted, did not satisfy any of those desires. I am still trapped with them, and they will not relent, will continue to demand what was anticipated, what has been denied. I know, it is impossible to change this, to have it. The chance was missed and it is gone, will not return. It is the way of things, but I am still waiting. I do not know how to let go of it. I want to make it better and not have it be one more thing that has gone all wrong and cannot be corrected.

I am planning to begin a rereading of Dracula .  I have been slowly going over an annotated version of the book, mostly reading the notations, but the book is rather large and cumbersome.  Yesterday, I obtained a small paperback version which I can carry around easily, though I expect that I should prepare to take extensive notes on the book.  I might just grab myself a packet of sticky notes and use those to just mark things up.  That approach is often easier for me, as I don't worry so much about the note itself, if I can make it obvious what line it is referencing, as that is often enough to remind me of what I was noticing or questioning.  It can be quite difficult for me to take good notes because of my handwriting, so anything that makes that easier is a real boon.

Some Mornings I Do Not Remember to Weigh Myself when I get up, and I won't do it later in the day. It is not good, is not comparable if it is not at the same time, at least that is my reasoning. It may not be true, but I try to do it before I eat or drink anything in the morning and I think that would matter, even if only a bit. It might be better if I just didn't worry. The fluctuations are probably small, and would disappear over time,  or at least become obvious and insignificant if I weighed myself often enough.

It is often very odd to me just how much my writing has changed, in particular the poetry that I am writing.  For a long time, much of my poetry was narrative, with a lot of strange parables and other similar tales, but in the past several years, it has shifted and morphed in many ways.  Some of the changes have been things that developed, at least in part, due to my own thoughts and intentions as a writer.  For example, my poetry tends to use a very different kind of imagery at this point, in large part because I began to rethink the use of certain types of sensory description that may be inaccessible to readers with certain disabilities.  I do not want a blind or deaf person, to use a fairly simple to recognize example, to feel that they are being excluded from my poetry because of the ways the details are rendered.  While it is not possible, or advisable, to remove all the elements that are not accessible to every reader, I do still strive to make choices tha...

So Much Was Done Wrong and it is my own fault. I should have prepared better but my enthusiasm made me hasty and foolish, and it went wrong, didn't it... It all went wrong and I am sorry for that. I don't have a good excuse, only the admission that it could have been better, would have been if I had prepared and taken care. Next time, I will work hard to do it better, though it could go wrong, even with care it could still go wrong, but it would be different.

I am glad to find that, for once, I am actually finishing my work on the early side.  It may be that I am not, really, when I think of it in terms of the length of my day, as I did get up quite early today, as I had an appointment, but I have certainly had many days when I am up at the crack of dawn and still don't manage to get the work done anything close to this early.  In truth, it was just the choice to get started, and I should be able to do that for myself, but it isn't always so simple for me.  Executive function isn't always that consistent, I suppose.

You Explained It to Me and I should understand but it is not clear. I do think you are correct, even if I don't understand, I think you are right, but I need you to explain it again, or, may it is best for you to tell the others. They might understand more than I do. It may be something I will never grasp. Still, I trust you, I do not need my own certainty.

I was talking with another poet today, and he is finding himself a little bit stifled with his work at the moment.  We talked about a lot of different aspects to this issue, some that were very particular to his work and practice, and some things that were more generalized, but there was one idea we discussed that I think might be interesting to explore.  One of the issues that came up, and it is something that is familiar to most any artist, I think, was the desire to create something that is meaningful or good or whatever you want to call it.  While that is the goal, it can be a bit daunting to focus on that.  It can become perfectionistic, can lead to not writing from fear of failing to meet the standard, or just being too self-conscious to write without the type of constant second guessing that all but guarantees the resulting work to be trash.  As a suggestion for dealing with this, I talked about the idea of writing bad poems intentionally.  I feel li...

The Anger made it go fast, made it easy to get done, to get through it. Some of it was done well, fast as it was, that it was done, it was still done well. And it was good to be done, to get through it. Without that anger, it might have been slow. The anger helped to make it fast, although it did not make it one bit pleasant.

There are some ideas that I keep playing around with in the back of my head, concepts for stories that are a bit hard to explain at times, but which I keep noodling with, hoping I can figure out a way to get a good handle on them, and right now, I am feeling as if I am starting to have some clarity around one such concept.  The general idea is related to the relationship that a piece of writing has to time.  That is, a piece of writing can refer to a moment that is occurring "now," and that moment can be connected to the moment when the writer is in the act of writing, or when the reader is reading, or some moment in the story, or, even, some combination of these things.  I am thinking about the concept of a story that builds towards a specific moment, and the idea that each person reading it is sharing that moment, is present in it besides every other person who has or will experience it, a moment that exists out of time, in a way.  I don't know that I have a full i...

The Rest of It There is only this, that is all  that I can do, is my contribution, but the rest is needed, still, if it is to be, if it is not to remain unfinished, to only wait. The rest must come, is required, and it is nothing that I can bring, is not for me to bring. It would do no good. It is necessary, but I cannot, by that same necessity, I cannot.  It is the way of it. It does not change that the rest is needed, though, that without it  all I have done is just the effort, is nothing else but the exertion itself, a using up, a wasting.

I had my meeting today about the podcast, and work is being done at the moment to get another edit together for later this week, I believe.  We discussed it a bit, but the real work that needed to be done was mostly just cleaning it all up, at least right now.  I think there are a few places where we will need to consider other aspects a bit, but they might shift if other things are changed, so it is best to leave that until the rest is in place, I think.  I am also still thinking that it would be good to have a little bit more of a conclusion to the whole episode.  In part, this is just my wanting to frame the piece, as a structural concept, but I also think it will serve a few other purposes.  For one thing, I think it will reinforce the idea of me as the shows central host, as well as providing a basic idea of a general format that the audience can expect.  I am not certain how each episode will be structured at the moment, but I can certainly imagine us...

There Are Mistakes but that is expected: this was never intending for perfection. It was too new a thing, was not meant to be more. In time, in the future, there will be chances to return again, to do more, and we have learned, now, will know then what we did not before. That is not unintended. There is great beauty knowing that the progress of our learning is captured in what we create.

 I am supposed to talk with the rest of the production team for the podcast tomorrow, and I have some general notes on what we have so far.  In many ways, it is quite good, I think, but I still have a few thoughts on places where it might be improved.  Much of it is fairly small stuff, I think.  I wish I'd had a chance, today, to do a bit more work on the specifics, but it has been a busy day in other areas of my life.  I am finishing up with the rest of my work a bit early, tonight, so maybe I can get up with time to review the recording again and prepare a bit more.

I Am Not Certain You Would Have Known What Was Meant but I know it would be wrong, cruel, perhaps, to tell you in that way, to have it appear without warning, and in a context that denies you any response. It would be  unkind of me to do that. It might be hidden  well enough you would not know what was beneath, but I wonder if that is a lie I am telling myself. I might want you to know. I might want to tell you  in that way. I do not like that, do not want that to be a part of me, but it must be there. I will not do it, though. That part of me is not one I will enable again, at least not tonight.

I had been hoping to finish up my writing a bit earlier tonight, but it is after 3 and I am still at my desk. Melissa has an appointment tomorrow morning and I said I would go with her, which would be easier if I weren't still up writing at this moment.  It should be fine, even so.  I am kind of accustomed to not getting a great deal of sleep a lot of the time. Even so, I am going to cut this short and try to get to bed.  Getting to sleep at a quarter past three is at least better than four or five am.

One Is Empty and the other is not full and there are more but they are far off and not cooled down, are distant and warm, though what is here is not cold, what little that remains here is not cold, either. Still, it is here already, is not far off. That is the only difference. Why bother going for the rest when it is not any better? Besides, it will be there later, if nothing remains right here, the rest will still be waiting.

I am feeling quite tired tonight.  That isn't all that surprising, considering it is already almost three in the morning, but I do feel as if I am more tired than I generally would be.  It might be that I've had several late nights this week, though I did manage to sleep in a bit this morning, which is unusual for me.  I should just wrap this up and get myself to bed, really, now that I am done with the rest of my writing for the night.  I don't know why it is that some nights it can take me so much longer than others, though, when I think about it, it would be quite strange if it didn't vary, if each time I wrote a new poem, for example, it took the same amount of time as every other.  That would be very bizarre, I think, though it would make it a lot easier to plan for and around my writing sessions.

Then It Fell and the blooming: it fell and the blooming, and the hot blooming, the hot blood, the heat, the blood, swelled, blooming, fallen and bloomed, hot and too much, and rising.  No good to hold it, to keep it, to be a wall. It fell, already it has fallen down, has gotten loose. It is too late to hold on, it is gone already. The blood feels it, the blood moves, fast moving, but to where? Where does it go, where does it need to go, all the blood? Fast and hot, feel that? It is too much. It already is done. It has to be. What went first is enough to know the end. It already fell.

Tonight was a good night for my writing, I believe.  I took a break from working on my long-term non-fiction project to begin drafting a short essay that I've had in mind for a while.  I only wrote the opening portion of it, but I think that i did well setting up the foundation I want to build on in the rest of the piece.  I was also feeling good about the work I was doing for the novel.  Just last night, I discussed that I am having difficulty with it, and that is not gone, but I did feel that I was able to do some more interesting and relevant things in it tonight, in a way that I think was probably more valuable than a lot of what I have been writing so far.  I still feel very uncertain, but this felt like a positive step and I am hoping it is only a start.  I also did more work on that free form piece that I have been playing around with, and even that felt pretty good, whatever that really means.  I also feel good about the poems that I worked on ...

I Have Not I should but no,  I didn't, won't yet, should, but no.  Not done, no.  Not ready to do it, not ready. The lights would turn on and I would know it was time if it happened, but that is not what happens. The lights won't go on just by chance or on there own. The sign is not needed. A choice is needed, an action, a doing  in spite of fear. But waiting is easy enough, has momentum, carries itself into the future by being the thing that was done already, the easy thing that was done already and can be done again without an effort except to not consider it, to not notice how it hurts, how the hurt grows when it is left there in the dark corners, in the salty ponds of old wounds.

One of the ongoing writing projects I have been engaged in for the last few months has become a sort of stream of consciousness piece, very free form, and essentially without a central structure or real purpose.  It did not start out with that as the intention, though it was always a bit of an experiment in free-writing.  I am not certain what it will become or if it is of any value, except as an exercise for me.  In truth, I kind of feel like a lot of the writing that I've been doing lately is a bit unfocused.  I'm still not certain about this novel that I've been working on, but I keep going with it, keeping the faith that if I remain committed I'll figure it out eventually, and even if I don't, I am sure something interesting will emerge.  In some ways that is the attitude I have with both the novel and this free form piece.  It is faith in the process, as I have said before, but I do wish I felt more certain of what was going on, at least in terms of th...

The Other Was Still Less Kind I did not want that  to be in the world. It was cruel, I think, was unkind of me. I care enough to not do that to you. It would have been easier, but I did not want to do that to you. I wish you understood that. More, I wish I felt you would do the same, but you have caused harm that will never be repaired. Maybe you would deserve it if I was not so kind, but I am.  I do not mean to compliment myself. It may just be weakness or cowardice.  It may be that I want stand up to you even when you deserve it.

I received the compiled audio of the podcast.  I have not listened to it yet, but I plan to put it on after I finish my writing.  I am excited to hear it, and a bit nervous, which is probably natural.  I have heard most of the components, but the way it all fits together is important, as are all the little details.  There are some sound effects, for instance, that we discussed needing.  They are intended to mark certain transitions, and I have a sense of what I want, but I haven't heard what was selected for that yet.  That is a fairly minor matter, of course, though I also believe every detail is important.  Still, I recognize the need to balance it all.  I don't want to drive the rest of my team batty because I am get obsessed over things like that.  I need to listen to it, really.  It is probably came out great and I just need to listen to it for myself.

The New Neighbor Cut Down All The Bushes Between Our Yards She did not ask  or even warn or say a thing, but she thinks it is fine. She came up today and made it clear she is glad we approve, thinks it is much better. I should have said more, told her the truth, told her it is terrible, that it is not alright. I did not say any of it, told her nothing much. I didn't feel comfortable confronting her about it. It bothers me  that she thinks it is alright. I should have told her, but I was not prepared. One day I will speak up. I am sure that it is coming. It was not today, but it is coming.

I did the recording for the podcast early this morning, as I had been planning, and it seems to have worked out well.  I'm told that it sounds good, both in terms of the actual recording quality and in terms of my delivery, and that the content itself hits the mark.  I am excited to hear what the whole episode sounds like when it is all put together, though I do expect to need something to end it all.   I have been considering ideas for that, but they are all very loosely defined at the moment.  I want it to really fit with the rest of the piece, to be a conclusion to what came before it; how could I do that before I hear it all together?  Of course, even once we get the first edit done, there will probably be other things that need to be refined or reworked, and I am still wondering about what people will think of what we have done here.  It is, of course, still just the introductory episode, focusing on setting out the intentions of the podcast and p...

I Am Afraid to Go Back There, Now It makes me anxious thinking of what happened. I did nothing wrong. I was the one  who was wronged and I need to go back, need to return to get what I am owed, what I went to retrieve before. But I don't want to. I want to have it resolved, to have it be better, but the confrontation, I do not want that. I am afraid it won't go my way again, even though I know that I am right. I don't want that. It bothers me when it goes that way, each time it bothers me. I suppose it is better that I am not used to it or have not begun to think it is what I deserve.

I have a rather busy day tomorrow, with a number of appointments with the first starting early.  I also still have some work to get done for the podcast, specifically recording my intro, now that it is scripted out and everything.  I think it will be good, but I have not had a chance to get it recorded yet.  My office is not the best for audio, really, as it is located in a loft that doesn't have any real barriers to separate it from the main living areas of the house, as a result, I have to wait for it to be quiet, and that includes it needing to be a bit quiet outside, as well.  The conditions today have not been helpful for that.  Even right now, although it is rather late, I can still hear quite a bit too much noise around.  I think I am going to try to get it done first thing in the morning, but that shouldn't be too much of a hassle.  I have to get up early, as I said, and I don't like waking up and just rushing out of the house, so I was already...

You Are There And I Am Here and it would be easy to fix if you knew how, since you are there, but you do not know and explaining would be difficult. I am here, instead, am not there, so I cannot do it, not unless I go, but the effort, it would be such an effort, when you are there already. You should now how, should have learned the way, but that is my fault, too, I suppose. I am the one who knows, I am the one  who could have made certain you knew as well.

Melissa and I were supposed to go out with my Mom for dinner tonight, but Melissa didn't feel well.  Actually, she worried she might have Covid again, but she took a test and it was negative.  Even so, I called Mom and told her that Melissa was a bit under the weather, and that she wouldn't be joining us for dinner, but Mom didn't want to leave Melissa out, so she called the restaurant and cancelled the reservation, suggesting that we just order something and eat together at her house.  So, instead of going out for French food, we wound up having deli sandwiches, which was fine, and it was nice that Mom prioritized including Melissa.  I hope she enjoyed the evening, in spite of everything.  I think she was glad just to be able to spend the time together, though I would have liked to be able to do something a little nicer for her this evening.

What You Said cannot be dismissed, cannot be ignored. You cannot choose to do this instead and think it is fine. You stated your intent and it was clear. It is no good to tell me things change, that you have decided on a new plan instead. It is not alright. You insisted on having your way, disrupted my life in ways  that cannot be undone, cannot be made better because of what you needed, what you had to have for yourself. You cannot tell me things have changed, not until you can undo the damage. You did all that damage to have  what you said you wanted and I am still suffering. Do not tell me, now, it is nothing you want. It is too late for that.

I finally wrote the opening segment for the zero episode of the podcast and I think it is pretty good.  I want to read it over again tomorrow, but I feel that I was able to capture the essentials of what I needed to in order to make it work, and to present it in a way that I think makes sense of what we are doing, both in terms of clueing the listener in to the format and in terms of our intentions and approach.  As well, I was able to include a bit more about me to establish who I am and why I am doing this podcast.  I had worried that I wouldn't be certain of how to make it all work without going on too long, but I think that I have done a good job while still keeping it quite short.  I don't know how long it will be when I read it, but it is less than a page at the moment.  I do think that I am also going to need to write something more for the ending of the program to act as a sort of conclusion for the piece and as a chance to say a few final things to the ...

There Is No Argument You Can Give That Matters It will change nothing even if you are right and no one can deny it. They do not believe what they do for the reasons they say, they do not believe it for any reasons. The reasons all exist as a result  what they want to be true. They chose the belief and the rest  is what it must be. It may be that is true for all of us, too, though I hope not, but if we are to be honest we must not deny that is possible, which is a problem, too. Our doubt is honest, but it is still a vulnerability with enemies like these.

I am working hard on what has become, by now, a book about vampires and anti-Semitism, and I am still learning quite a lot as I go on with it.  There are many areas to explore, not only in terms of the vampire media that is worth discussing, but also in the aspects of anti-Semitism as it exists both today and historically, and I am finding myself delving very deep and learning quite a lot.  At this point, I have around 50,000 words, which is still on the shorter side for a full length manuscript, I believe, but I am also still at a point where it is a disheveled mess.  There is no order to it, no center at all.  I have simply spewed it all out onto the page, and what is there is often quite good, I think, but it is certainly not in any shape that I would call a book.  As well, I have not done a great job in terms of documenting, not yet.  I have a great deal of research material, but I have not been all that methodical in my approach, so I am often drawing ...

Too Long Since I Saw Him or even heard anything, a word of any kind. I had tried, had reached out, but only silence, nothing else. It could mean anything or nothing.  I know that. He disappears.  He goes off and is gone and returns. That is how it is. He has obligations, and, also, past-times and friends, lovers, various acquaintances who fit either or both or other descriptors, and, also, he vanishes into time away, time alone.  I know. That is how he is. I should accept it, and I do not question it, which is close, I do not think it is wrong or consider that he might change, but I do think it is inconvenient. It would be preferable to have a friend I knew would be here, but it is who he is that makes us friends, though we are also quite different in certain ways.

I am still working on the beginning for the podcast, both the intro that I was discussing yesterday and the larger piece that I need to write which will contextualize the piece.  As I said last night, I am trying to come up with something short to welcome the audience to the episode and set the tone a bit.  The idea is that this would be the same for every episode, so it needs to be fairly simple, but it still should be somewhat unique, I think.  It is intended to help build an identity for the podcast, I think, so I don't want it to be overly generic.  The other stuff that I am writing should be a bit easier, I think, it is more that I am not all that accustomed to the podcast format and I need to develop a style of writing that fits that mode of communication a bit better.  Also, I am wanting to get certain ideas into the podcast, basically to offer a bit more of an idea of what the regular episodes will be about and a bit more about who I am, beyond the ideas...

He Kept His Heart Silent because it was the way, was the only way he knew.  He never said he was hurting or alone or let anyone know what mattered most. He did not like it, wanted to be closer, wanted tenderness. He did not know how or that he could. It was not a way he could be, not a way he knew could be his.

I am trying to come up with an opening for the podcast, just something to welcome the listener, something that can be repeated at the top of each episode.  I already recorded a tag line that I like for the end, but I am finding the introduction more difficult right now.  I am not certain why.  I don't really think it is that complicated, but I am getting nowhere.  I wanted to record it before tomorrow, but that is obviously not going to happen at this point.  Perhaps, if I give myself tonight to think about it a bit more, the right idea will pop into my mind by the morning.  That does happen at times.  I think it might even be how I came up with the line for the end, so maybe I am not being unrealistic hoping this will help.

It Is Working Again but I do not know why any better than I know why it did not work before. It just stopped and then started again. It is not explained. That is why  I requested you come. I know it seems fine now, but there must be a reason. I am afraid  it will happen again if you do nothing. Do not tell me there is no way to fix the problem if it is not happening. I need to be certain it won't repeat  as soon as you are gone. It took so long to get you here.

I received a sample of the audio for the podcast, formatted to test out my concept for its structure, and I think that what we have so far is quite good.  What I heard is not the entire episode, just a section of it, but it gives me enough to have a sense of what is and is not working right now.  The biggest thing it needs is the introduction, which I need to write and record, as it will provide a lot of context for the audience, including explaining the format that is being used, where the episode includes a record of its own creation as an essential element.  I am not certain this is the format that I am going to want to use for the entire series, but I think it works very well for this preview episode.  I am actually thinking that there may not be one standard format for the whole series, but that may not be realistic in terms of the actual work it would require, and I worry it could also be a bit jarring for the audience.  There might be a way to make it wor...

I Want to Wait but I know it would be a mistake. I should do it now while it is before me and I am thinking of it, not later.  I will forget. I know that is the truth. It is too easy to be distracted or to lose focus.  It is better to do it right away.  I am already here, there is no reason to wait. If only that were enough to motivate me.

I felt unusually good about my writing tonight.  To be honest, I am not even certain why, or if the feeling is any kind of reflection of the work's quality, but I did have a particular sense as was writing, especially in terms of my poetry, that I was really in the zone.  It may be true, of course, and I might review these poems in the coming days and discover that I have done some truly astounding work, but I rather doubt it, in truth.  I tend to think this type of feeling is just that, though it does not mean it is any less valuable to me.  The value of it is not in terms of what I am able to create because I am in the right mental state or whatever, but rather just the sense of connection to the work that comes, the sense of confidence in my ability.  There is even something rewarding about realizing that the work I create when I am in that state is not all that distinct from what I write at other times.  To be honest, I don't find myself having this kin...

I Am Sorry I Have Not Texted Back Yet I have meant to, but I forget.  I am distracted and it is not simple for me, is not easy.  If it were easy I might remember and not be so distracted. That may sound as if it is intentional, as if I am choosing to do nothing, but that is not what I mean. It is natural, I think, is normal, is not at all a choice, it is just an aversion, I suppose. I don't think about it because I find it stressful. That is not your fault. It would be stressful if it were anyone, not just you.  You are kind and I would like to be better at this, would like you to know it is not my intention to be this way.   It is the thing itself that is between us.

I am still waiting for the podcast audio so that I can craft the framing narration that I am planning, which I think will allow me to cast it into some form of a story, if done well.  It would be difficult to really write out the entire script for that without hearing it, but I have been working on the idea in a more general way.  I've got a few thoughts on just how to start the piece.  I am finding that difficult for a number of different reasons.  First, I know that, in a practical sense, it has to introduce the listener to the concept of the podcast in some way, or at least the general topic and such.  It also has the secondary job of presenting this particular episode, which is kind of a preview piece, and it is not really in line with the pieces that are to come, or that is what I anticipate.  It is hard to be certain, since we have not created any of the rest of the episodes, or even planned them out yet.  This episode is going to be a bit strang...

I Do Not Want Him to Know so I will put it someplace else where his gaze cannot reach, not that it is a secret but somehow, it feels wrong, feels like a theft, perhaps, an interference.  He might not agree. It might be a thing he would enjoy, if he even knew.  I cannot say if he would know.  All of it is my assumptions.  What else do I have?  What else is there but for the inference that is best given circumstance and the limited information available? I am making a choice that is prudent, maybe? It does not change the compromising involved,  does it?  I suppose some would say not to care, that it is cowardice.  I suppose that is true, in a way, but I am not worried for any reason beyond the desire not to cause him upset. I do not think I have a reason.  I think it is fine if I am correct that I do not have a reason. It would be nice to feel more certain, but I am not so sure of most things. I should be accustomed to that.  Maybe some th...

I am having difficulty with the internet tonight.  My computer will not connect at all right now.  I am sure it is an issue with my network.  I was certain it was just something that got unplugged, and I did find that to be the case, but when I fixed that issue, it didn't help to restore things.  What is really strange, though, is that, at the same time, my phone wasn't connecting either, even when I tried to go through my cellular network.  I was able to resolve that by resetting the phone, but the wireless network I can't figure out.  I think that I am going to leave it for now and just try to fix it in the morning.  

They Wanted to Bring Her A Butterfly but it was not agreeable to everyone. There were many who said  it would not be appropriate, a butterfly.  That is nothing, is too small, is not proper, would be worse to give her than not. That is what was said, was the response. What if it were blue someone asked. No, that is not enough to make it better, it will still be only a caterpillar that can fly now, that is all she will notice, that is all it could ever mean.

Creating the podcast has me a bit conflicted, at the moment.  I know that it may well provide me a good platform for developing an audience who are interested in me and my work, but I also recognize that, if I am going to feel good about it for myself, it needs to be something that feels like a genuine extension of my other creative work.  I think that this will serve me well, if I can create something good and people are interested, as I wouldn't want to build an audience that isn't going to be interested in my actual writing.  What I mean is, if I did a podcast that was more standard, that might well attract people who show an interest in my writing as an extension of their enjoyment of the podcast, but who are not going to enjoy the avant-garde, somewhat experimental fiction I tend to produce.  IF I can capture that aspect in the podcast, creating something that embraces that approach to creating this as an extension of that work into a new medium, I think I will ...

I Do Not Know If That Allusion Was Meant or if it was only in my mind, but the connection seemed real, the themes, the images, all of it, but there is always so much that comes out of the random world, that is just the matching up that happens with anything. It seems so close and intended, but there is an infinite world, so much exists already, so much has been made and done. There are bound to be connections somewhere, things that line up just so, as if it is precision made. Does that make certain it means nothing, or does it make clear this must mean even more?

I listened to the podcast audio today, preparing to do some work creating the script for my narration, but the audio I received was not what I had been expecting, so I spoke with the other people who are working on it with me and cleared things up, I think.  The audio I received takes out the more experimental aspects and made it into a rather typical sounding interview podcast.  The good thing about this is that it does seem that the content is actually interesting to people, as everyone working on it has agreed that they still find the material intriguing even after hearing it multiple times.  I think that everyone is sort of on the same page now, in terms of the kind of format I am working towards, though I thought that had been expressed before, to be honest.  It may just be that the concept is a bit odd, even, perhaps, counterintuitive, and that may be part of the reason that it didn't quite click.  I think that we are all on the same page, now, though....

Per Your Suggestion It is done, now, is ready in all the ways I could ready it. I did that much, did it  as best as I was capable, even though I am uncertain, do not agree that it is needed or even a good thing.  I did it, though. I am trying to trust and follow in the ways that I can.  I am not always ready to change my actions or to follow your plans.  I am not. Not always.  Not most of the time. I do want to trust, but it is not possible, not yet.  Not at this point in things between us. I do not mean that in a cruel way, just as a statement about how things are, about what there is between us. I am doing this by choice, am choosing to listen and do as you wish. In part, I admit, that is because it is easy and you will be glad and not complain again that it needs to be done already.  That is part of it. I do not like the complaining.  Who wants that? But it is only a part.  I am uncertain it is correct but I am choosing to trust that you d...

I received the most recent edit of the material for the podcast tonight.  I've not yet listened to it.  I thought that it would be good to get through my work and clear some time to focus, especially as I am a bit nervous about it.  I don't know what it will be at this point, and I have a plan for what I am intending to do next, for what I want to include that will, I hope, give it a narrative shape.  I tried to explain that concept last night, so I won't repeat the whole thing again, except to say that I do think adding a framing element to what we already have recorded feels significant to me, and is also the opportunity that I have to really craft this into something reflective of my other creative work.  I am nervous, though, but that is not enough to keep me from experimenting.  The way I figure it, I am just starting out at doing this kind of work and am bound to make some mistakes, at least I can make them in the effort to do something that feels aut...

The Morning Will Be A Good Time for It if I am awake early enough, that is, and if not, it will be fine to wait longer, though I know it would be best to start, to be, at least, prepared that much. There are those waiting to know more, to understand my impressions, I am certain, though I am more concerned with the misunderstandings between us. It has become apparent that intents are unaligned and that is quite concerning to me, is a bad thing that suggests worse. I am sure of that already without having to investigate further. The evidence will only compound, ample as it already has become.

I was planning to get some work done on the podcast tonight, but it has been a bit delayed as the person who is editing the audio is not feeling well and needed a bit of extra time.  That is fine.  It gives me a bit more time to think about things, even if I don't have the ability to really do the work yet.  I still have a general plan for what I want to do, and a lot of it involves trying to create a framework for the material that we already have.  I think that I know what I am doing, at least in terms of my intent.  It may be that it won't actually work out in a practical way and I will have to consider a different approach, but I don't know at the moment.  The only way to really know is to put it all together, to test it out.  At this point, we have done two recordings.  One was me being interviewed by one of the producers, as she thought that would be a good idea for introducing me to the audience, and the other is a recording of me and the e...

The Priority I was not supposed to, but I did.  It was needed, I think, and I think it was alright. I was careful.  I took care. But I think it had to be done. There was trouble.  It could have been so much worse, would have been, I think, so much worse.  I had to help, had to do what I could.  It was necessary for me to do what I could,  even if it was not allowed, if it was a violation.  If I had not done it, what then?  Do not tell me it would be just fine, anyway. That is possible, in some ways, but the help was necessary, and maybe the risk itself, the choice I made, what I chose to value most, it may be that was understood. The violation itself might be what mattered most.

Melissa and I both retested today, and she is still positive and I am still negative.  Even so, Melissa says that she feels much better and all her symptoms seem to be gone.  We talked to the doctor who said that she could start to go out after five days symptom free, but she should wear a mask everywhere.  I am supposed to wait, as well.  I am kind of wondering if it really matters whether I stay away from Melissa at this point, with her feeling better already, but I know I should be careful.  It is just difficult not to be able to spend time together right now.  

Convinced I knew it would be possible and that it would be required, that even if we waited it would have to be done. It annoyed you when I asked, when I suggested trying, but I found a way to convince you, to show it could be done and you allowed it. In truth, I did nothing to convince you, I just allowed you to be convinced by the one you trust. I am not trusted, I know that.  I was right, but it would not matter if I had only argued myself. It took his involvement. Once he was in agreement, it was the right thing. I am certain you will tell me that is not correct. He will probably agree, too, and make you even more certain.