Would That I Might

I think that I need to put my focus on some other prose work for the moment and step away from this essay.  I've got a few ideas for some other pieces I would like to work on, shorter prose pieces that I am meaning to tackle.  I think I am going to work on one of those tomorrow.  Funnily, even as I am saying this, I also have to recognize that I made a small breakthrough in my work tonight, though I am not certain I have understood or made the most of it yet.  I connected certain ideas together in a way that seems rather significant when I consider it in terms of my general point, but I still need to flesh that out.  Even so, I also realize that it is time to begin moving forwards in terms of getting this essay into a workable piece.  Right now it is all over the place and disjointed, but I know that I can find a form within it and bring it all together into something that will allow the ideas to flow and interact.  I think that may be the real key to ...

The Factors You asked for an explanation and I offered simple facts about what has been, what was done.  I told you the story.  Told you what happened, and you do not believe me, do not think it is true. It is what happened. He will tell you it is true. I hope he will confirm it. It is the truth.  It is what happened, is a part of these things, now, a part of why things are this way. That you cannot believe me, that you do not want to understand or consider it from my perspective, even when I have told you: that is part of it as well.

I think I am going to have to force myself to stop writing more for this essay and just begin to bring it together.  In truth, I could keep going on and on, writing more every day, but I also realize that I am at a point where I have enough, and anything which is not there within what I have is likely more a matter of what I can communicate, not a matter of having more.  There were certainly things that I knew needed to be addressed, and I think that a lot of that material has already been covered now.  In truth, I know of one or two areas that I am still needing to consider a bit more, and certain things that I have already discussed but which I want to flesh out in certain ways, but I also recognize I can keep saying that forever.  I need to push myself to get through with this or I will just keep going on forever, or until I just lose interest and let it go.  I am at a point where I have too much done to just let it go.  It is simply a matter of bringing...

I Do Not Wish to Speak of That Not in this way, and not yet. Do not think it is a denial or that I wish to lie or will always refuse to be clear about the matter, but right now, no.  Now, it is all so new and raw and I am uncofmortable, am not even certain this is the right way. I don't want to step wrong or reveal too much. I am afraid.  I admit it. I do not know if it is a needed fear or just my own worry. I am trying to move away from the way I always was, but that means  I will be uncomfortable and uncertain.  Right now, their is fear, and I do not have the experience to know the truth of what is frightening me.

 I was able to rest some more today, as I am still feeling a bit unwell, but I feel quite a bit better than I did.  It is funny as I never felt all that sick, to be honest, but now that I am feeling better, I recognize how run down I must have been.  I didn't notice it until it started to shift, so I think it might have been lingering a bit, even before I really felt sick.  I think that a lot of this may just be a stress response; at the very least, I am certain that stress has been a contributing factor.  I have just been feeling so overwhelmed lately, how could it not be part of this?

Preparing for Their Arrival They told me that was the day when they would return and I did not think much of it, but you tell me  their is an auspicious quality to that date.  I did not know, and what is there to do? It is not the day I would choose, not knowing what I am told. Too much returns with that day, too much that weighs down. Is it cast be the light of the sun? They are returning, though, and expect me to be there, to greet them and ease the arrival. I do not think their is any choice for me. I wish it were otherwise, especially now, knowing what that day will be. How is it you knew and I did not?

I am still feeling a bit ill today, though it is mostly just a lack of energy and some general aches.  I don't think it is anything serious, but I am glad I was able to rest most of the day today.  I have a few things I should get done tomorrow, but my calendar is actually pretty clear, so I am thinking that I will probably continue to take it a bit easy again, at least if I still feel the way I have today.  I am glad that I was at least able to do my writing tonight.

It Is A Lie to Say That Is The Only Thing I Want but it is the only thing I want from you, the only thing that I want that can make this better. You ruined it, and I want it fixed, and I know, I know that is not an option any longer: too much has been done, too much cannot be changed now.  It is a different world. But if you ask me what I want, I still only have one answer for you, I still can name nothing else that will bring redemption or make it at all better. You did as you chose, even though it was all clear. In truth, I wonder if knowing it would do so much harm wasn't part of why  you found it necessary. You have said things before that make me think that is more true than you wish to admit, but still you want forgiveness. I want to forgive you, but for that to be possible, you must find a way. I do not know that their are not ways besides what I have named. I do not know that the only thing that will ever make it right is for it to go back.  I name that as the onl...

I am a bit sick today. I woke up feeling a little queasy this morning, but it seemed to pass and I felt fine. This afternoon, Melissa and I went to meet up with a friend for lunch and I wound up having to rush back home.  It may just be something that I ate yesterday, as I have been feeling alright for the most part since then.  I took a Covid test and that came back negative, so that is good.  I am hoping that I will feel better tomorrow, but I am trying to take it easy and be careful.  I wouldn't say that I feel totally fine right now, but I don't feel all that sick either, just sort of worn down.  I am hoping, in any case, that whatever it is will pass quickly.  There is just too much to deal with and no time for being sick.

I Have Many Doubts, But I Am Trying to Trust You Are these things  that you know will work and not only work but work towards my ends? It may be you understand and I am right to trust you, it may be that is true, but I am still afraid. I am giving space, am letting you guide me and suggest the way forward, but I do not know if the direction you are pointing is towards the places I am seeking to go. I do not know if you have the right map or know the directions. I am trying to be trusting, am following directions and doing as you say and not straining, even though I have doubts. I hope I am wrong and you are right, but I am afraid. I do not know what I will do if this is another mistake.

It is Melissa's birthday today.  We tried to have a nice celebration, but it has been difficult for her.  This is the first birthday since her mother died and she has been quite emotional about that.  I think that she appreciated the things I did for her, the gifts and such she received.  I don't know what I could have done to help with much of this beyond just being present with her.  It isn't as if their is a way to make these things better or easier.  I know how I felt celebrating things after my father died.  Even now, more than half a decade later, it still often hurts.  Still, I wish I could make her feel better.  It is hard to watch one you love experiencing pain; at such times, I feel thaat the only thing to offer is my presence.

In Storage I must hope those things still wait where they were sent.  We sent them, but it was not supposed to be this way, was not supposed to be so long, and now I do not know what it will mean, do not know their state. I assume things are fine and they are there, are waiting. What if they are gone? It is possible it is all gone, that something was done. I think that might be a possibility. I am too afraid to find out, but I think it is possible. I hope it is not the case, but if it is, I prefer not knowing.

I am thinking that I may be getting close to the point where I really need to put my essay together into a cohesive piece.  I've been thinking about the ways that I might do that, and about various things I need to try to connect up, as well as potential gaps in the work that might exist.  I know that their is a lot of work still to be done, but I feel as if much of what remains is work that can best be discovered by understanding what the essay will be, both in concept and in structure.  I want to make certain it doesn't become a purely dry and academic piece, but I also know that a lot of what I am attempting to discuss in the piece is textual, and thus their is a balancing act.  I feel that their is a way to organize it all that will also open up space for the work to feel more intimate and human, that will let me make clear what is behind the work, maybe.  I know I have read essays that accomplished this in connection to similar subject matter, so I believe ...

It Has to Be Done Should have been done before this, but I did not, not yet.   I will try to do it soon, when I decide the best way. I am scared, if you want to know why I am not done already, why it is taking me time. I want to be done, but I do not know if I can do it well or if it will be all wrong and a waste.  I am afraid it will be only a waste. I should set that aside and not hesitate more, not second guess.  It is time. There is not long left. It must be done soon, now that I have waited so long. It must be done even if I am afraid, unless I am more afraid to do it then to have you complain it is not done.

I am glad that I began working on my non-fiction when I did.  The essay I am writing at the moment is giving me a lot to focus on right now, and I need it.  So many things in my life are just out of my control and I can't do very much about it at the moment.  I have been just feeling overwhelmed by it, wishing that their was any way I could make it at least a little better.  Having a project like this essay has been a good way to at least feel in control of something, and it feels important to me, if I am honest.  I feel like I am writing about something that matters and trying to communicate something that is important.  I don't know, maybe that is a bit of a silly thing or just egotistical, really.  I don't know if I care about that right now, though.  With so many other things that have me spinning, it is good to have something solid to focus on.

They Came Back This Morning They told me, "we are coming inside," and I told them it was fine, though I did not want them here.  Why would I want them here? They only move the dust  from one pile to another before scattering it again. But I did not tell them that they should stay away, I let them come instead, let it be.  I do not want to confront it.  I want it to change and be better. I do not think letting them come is anything good, though. I do not know what to do. It is hard to know any longer what will be a good choice. It started so long ago and with so much hope, and I am lost, as if  I have wandered off with no water or shade and the sun angry above me. I am lost and confused and the piles of dust are never where they were, and must be counted again each night.  I don't know why I count them. It is the only thing I can do.  It is a way to keep track of something. I hope they will not return tomorrow.

I began to write about some of the thornier and more complicated ideas I have been struggling with in crafting this essay and found it a bit easier than it had been.  A large part of that was just my being more comfortable, more certain that I am already on firm ground in general from which I can build.  While some of the points I want to make here are not as obvious and might even be a bit difficult for some people to accept, the fact that I have already established much of my central contention makes it easier.  I don't feel as far out on the limb with these concepts now that I have so much else in place.  I still have a lot that needs to be covered, more that I need to do to establish a clear basis for some of what I am saying.  The arguments I am making need to be grounded with clear evidence, and I don't have all of that organized and ready to go yet, but I feel that I have a good structure for the argument.  I mean, I know the evidence is there, as I ...

I Did Find It, Once but where?  I don't have it now, or know where it is, but it is out there, it must still be where it was before, but where that is I have forgotten already.  I know that I should have been careful, I should have been but I was not. and now it is lost  and I am back seeking it out. I found it before. It was waiting for me. I wonder if it is hiding, if my lack of care caused a change, a response. It may be a lesson from the universe.

I spent a lot of time today doing extra work on my essay.  I found myself thinking about certain ideas earlier and started looking into them, then writing out a whole new section fairly rapidly, covering material I hadn't previously been certain I would even discuss.  It really feels as if I am getting more and more comfortable with the subject in a way that makes me feel certain I can begin to pull it all together in the way it needs to be.  As I mentioned last night, I do still have some areas that are important which I have yet to really write about in a satisfactory way, but I know that the best answer for that is just writing about them more and more.  I think I have been afraid that I might not be able to craft the core argument in a solidly convincing enough fashion to push into some of these matters, as they are somewhat complicated and conflicting to look at closely, but now, I think I have found a way to demonstrate certain central ideas in a way that feels...

Is The Shipping Expedited Enough I ordered it and paid for it to be here on time, but I do not know if it will arrive, and I worry: I want it here before that day, want to be certain. It is what is needed. I am sure  you will say it is fine, but I do not want to make you wait or miss giving it at the perfect time. I worry enough I chose wrong, but that is better, I think,  then having nothing in my hands.

Work on my essay is going well, I think.  In the past few days I have found it easy to present some of the more complex ideas in ways that feel clear and lucid, and I think that I have also benefitted from reading a great deal more on the general subject matter.  I have been researching quite a bit, but I made a few recent breakthroughs, finding direct textual evidence of things that is hard to deny.  Even more, that breakthrough led me to seeing new connections and recognizing parallels I had dismissed before.  I wrote a paragraph tonight that surprised me as I composed it, bringing together a number of complicated and disparate ideas in a way that felt very concise and simple.  I still have a number of issues I am finding thorny in the work, but I think that, as I am able to make these larger points, those become less daunting and easier to consider.  If I know I am already on a firm basis in other areas, I have a firm base from which to operate in discus...

This Disaster What can be done to make this better? What is there that will help, now? It may be too late for any help, it may be that now it cannot be fixed. Still, damage can be limited, perhaps.  The damage is already here. It cannot be undone. It has happened. It is not possible to have a good outcome, still it is necessary to choose what is best, even when it is only the best of aftermaths.

 Tomorrow is the last day of early voting here in Florida, making it Melissa's last day (unless she is working on election day itself, which I am not certain about right now).  I know she enjoys it, to some extent, but it has also been quite difficult in certain ways.  She was telling me that their is an older man who works with her who has been very inappropriate, telling off-color jokes and making various comments.  He said some stuff to her that was a bit inappropriate at one point, and she had to tell him off about it.  Some of the other workers have been stationed with him before and say that he did not act this way in the past, so they are wondering if he might have some dementia issues or another type of cognitive decline.  Melissa and the other supervisor had to take him aside again to discuss his behavior, and to warn him that, if it continues, they will recommend he not be asked to work as a clerk again.  

Stand for It I must explain what is needed and why,  and it is needed, is not small to me, is important, is most important. It is not a small thing. You think it is, I know you think so, think it is minor and can be ignored. Can I make it clear? It should be easy to communicate this. I do not know why I think it will be hard. Maybe I am too accustomed to all my values being ignored if I ever bother to bring them up.

I had a kind of Eureka moment today while doing research for the essay I am working on.  It is a small quote from an unlikely source, but it illustrates so much that is central to what I am trying to discuss in a way that I think is almost undeniable.  It was so unexpected, to be honest, and now it has me looking in a new direction at things I had previously only considered as tangential.  It was not only rewarding in that it offered me a valuable resource for communicating a certain understanding, but also demonstrated to me that I am going in the right direction, that their is strong evidence to support that I am correct.  It is not so much that it makes me believe in my thesis more, or anything of that sort, it is more that I am recognizing just how clear it is that these ideas are correct, even though they have been ignored or even dismissed for a very long time.  

I Want to Trust You when you say what is so, want to believe it, want to think you mean it and did not make that promise just to silence me.  I want to believe you will do as you say that you intend to, and more, that you would not say it if you were not able to do it, were not capable.  Always, I am promised things, it has always been the way I was brushed aside. So many times, my needs were pushed aside with a promise  as remuneration, which is fine, I think, if the promise is kept, but it never is.  Maybe I am forgetting something, maybe it is kept at times, but so often it is not. And you have made so many promises in recent times and most, already you have broken them. I want to trust you. You will say it could not be done, will not even be sorry. You will say it cannot be changed now. You will want forgiveness, and expect me to accept it all. That is what happens. I do not know what to say. I do not like it.  Why would I? What am I supposed to do? There is...

I did not get very much sleep last night.  For one thing, I was having weird and unpleasant dreams, and then, on top of that, I woke up with a terrible cramp that I couldn't get rid of.  I had to get up so I could stretch and work it out.  By the time I had done that, I was too awake and decided I wasn't going to fall back to sleep, so I got up instead of staying in bed.  I have been told it is better to not lie awake in bed in the middle of the night, that it can make it harder to sleep, as though you are training your mind to stay awake in bed.   Instead I just got myself some cold water to drink and sat down for a bit to try and relax a little.  After a bit, I was able to get back to bed, but it was already getting towards early morning.  I would have slept in if I could have, but I had too much going on.  I am hoping that tonight will be better.  At least I am finishing up my work before it gets all that late.

I Do Not Want Them Here Any Longer Not today, not again tomorrow, not another day, either, I just want it all over and done and not to have them around. It is not good and nothing is happening that seems good. I know what is happening, now, know too much of it. I have learned truths that reveal what is beneath and what is wrong  goes deep down to the roots.  They will come and I will say nothing, cannot say it yet, but I want them gone. I feel their presence, I feel it like hot beast breath reaching my neck where that great vein waits.

I still do not feel comfortable discussing the details, but things are a mess and I have a lot that is worrying me right now.  It just feels as if their isn't a really good way to handle the things that are going on right now.  I know my options and they are all bad.  I am kind of stuck within a situation that can't be waved away, and their does not seem to be any possibility of things turning out the way that they were intended to.  I don't have anything much to say.  I know this has mostly just been a rant and complaining that things here are not going well and I have no recourse, and I am sure it is not the first time that I have done that, really.  I want to be hopeful, really, but I have to deal with the reality of things.  I have to figure out what to actually do, and I know what matters most to me, what things are most important, and I know that those are outside of my control.

I Had Been So Slow but now I am not that way, am not faster but more dedicated, it takes time, still, but I give the time to it, I find it and use it for this and not other things. I am lucky I have time, yes, I am lucky that way. It would be another thing if the time was never there, but I am lucky and have it and now I spend that time  on what must be done so I won't be so slow, only it is so late I do not know if it matters, I do not know  if it is too late,  if I was already too slow for too long and no matter what, now it is impossible to ever catch up.

I received some more distressing news today, having to do with things here at my house and the work being done.  It is still possible that what I was told isn't accurate, that their is just a miscommunication or something, but I am rather concerned right now, to be honest.  If this is true, things might be far more complicated and difficult to deal with than anticipated, and it was already a bit of a mess.  I am trying to wait until I find out more, trying to keep from getting too upset until I am certain, but it is difficult not to get caught up in thinking about the potential damage done and what may be coming.  I am scared about it, but I am also just feeling sick of being in this kind of situation: I already thought things were bad, and now it seems it may be much worse, and somehow that seems typical.

We Trusted  that it would go well, thought we had good advice and help from people we could trust, and now?  I don't know what there is to say. Today we hear it is even worse, or maybe not. It is uncertain, though it seems clear, though it seems it is not at all good. Their is evidence of wrongdoing r a lack of evidence for doing it right which may be the same right now.  A lack that is tangible enough, is not just an emptiness but an absence of what was required. I am uncertain if it may help, a bit, in the short term at least. In the end though, I think the trouble will be far worse. We should not have thought it would go well for us, I should have known it would be another time the potential for good was only an illusory lure. It scares me: we were certain, did not run into this without care and consideration. It did not matter.

The last few days have been somewhat tough.  There were a few unexpected events that have brought up a lot of emotions and put me a bit off balance, a lot that is changing in ways that feel wrong and scary, things that I thought would never happen, to be honest.  It is disorienting and upsetting and I don't feel comfortable even talking about the specifics at the moment because it is all so fresh.  The only thing that I can do is just keep going, and the best way I know how to do that is to keep up with my writing, so here I am. It won't change anything, I know, is not going to turn things around or make any real impact on the outcome of these events, but it is the fact that I am remaining on my path, that I am not letting this knock me down in that way.  I still hope to find a way to make things better, and I hope that I can use my writing to make that change.  To keep writing on days like today, for me, that investment of time and energy is like a vote of conf...

Contradiction Conversation My friend says that people like us need to learn the power that exists in contradiction He means, I think, believing things that are not compatible. I tell him I do understand it, that I know the power he mentions. I do.  I am not unaware that contrasting truths are often needed, that the world is not so simple as to mean one thing and not the other.  I do know. But I understand, as well, the recklessness he is pointing towards, the will to a certain dangerous power that grows and grows, that holds on to secret knowing, to the idea that what is most true must be what is called a lie by anyone you choose not to trust. It is the same as always. they will say it is no good that we hold power, for we are too weak, are deformed and cannot be trusted. I know contradiction, I should explain it to him, I suppose, but I suspect he already understands despite what he says.

My essay is growing, though it is still fragmented.  I may have found a part of the structure, I think, or a possibility for it, at the least.  I am not certain.  I know that their are still a number of ideas which I need to be able to write about more clearly.  The file that contains the various segments I have is already almost twenty pages, but much of that is probably repetitive anyhow.  I haven't really been revising at the moment, mostly just writing multiple versions of certain ideas until I feel I am getting close to what I want.  I think that can be more helpful, to be honest.  In revising, one often feels limited to the scope of what is present and to the way it approaches an idea, but in writing about the same topic again, one can easily dismiss those concerns and just go for it.  Even if the result is not a better piece of writing, it helps me to break out of thinking about the content in one singular way.  It is a new set of cons...

Procrastination I have not written that list yet, though I promised I would. I will do it.  I must do it or I am not doing my part and I must do that, right, no one else can.  It is mine, this part must be done by me.  It is only a list, not more than that.  It should be easy. I could have done it already. I wonder at my own hesitancy. Maybe there is more to it than I will admit, maybe it is not as simple. Either way I need to get it done.  I hope I don't use the deadline as an excuse for not giving it the thought I know it deserves.

All the days lately have been long and difficult.  Today was another, and much of it was unexpected.  I am feeling too overwhelmed, and I don't feel like their is any way to make things better, to be honest.  I've been doing a lot to try to straighten things out, but it feels as if, even if I can manage to resolve what is happening at the moment, I will still feel stuck in a bad situation.  It feels like the best I can hope for is not really anything I want, at this point.  I don't know what else to say.  I want to be able to make changes and fix what is wrong, but the effort to do so seems impossible and pointless.  I need to figure out how to feel like I am making progress towards something good, towards something that actually will make it possible for things to get better in a real way.

Apology I think, perhaps you mean it right now, mean it, really. I think that is true, but I am not certain. I know you do want to be forgiven, want it to be gone, off the slate.  I do not know if it can be gone.  It is  what happened. It is what you did, what you chose to do. I do not want it dismissed as if it is nothing. Time goes this way. I want to hear it as the truth, hear your apology and know  it is the truth, but even then, even if it is clear you mean it, it does not mean it did not happen or is forgotten. I want to forgive you. This is a needed step, but it is only a step.

I am working quite hard on both poetry and non-fiction right now, with my non-fiction efforts quite focused.  I am thinking that it is also time for me to consider writing some more fiction.  I have a concept, potentially, for a longer piece, but I am lacking certainty about it.  The idea feels nebulous and I am worried, but the truth is, I might just need to begin to explore it and allow it to develop through the actual process of writing it.  It is hard to know.  The concept is somewhat scattered and a bit experimental, but that is not anything new for my work, to be honest, and I think that I have an idea of how to get into it, or at least a possible idea for that.  Their are some conflicting and contradictory elements, bus that is often a positive thing, really, if it is handled with understanding and attention.  I am hoping that I might figure out a way to unify a few different thoughts about the start of the piece and connect them together which ...

You Did Not Ask What Mattered You did not ask at all, did not query me to be certain about the importance of any of what was there. You did as you did and allowed it to be a response. You responded.  I know, that is a good that I understand. I am not certain of all the choices that had been made, but what mattered most, I must remember this, is not about those things. Their is an outcome, a result.  I am waiting to know what things will mean or can become.  I am here, and it will take time.  I know it is not a simple matter. What was important, here, you did not ask to know, but you were ready to learn and know. I must remember this. It is more important than the asking. It is easy to ask, but ignore the answer. It is harder to understand the answer, no matter the status of a question.

I received a rejection today.  It is the first to arrive in quite a while.  To be honest, I haven't been sending out work as regularly as I should be, or as much as I would like.  I find it a difficult thing to do in various ways, and so I put it off way too much. This was a long overdue response, and I hadn't been prepared for it.  It was probably a tiered rejection, I think, as it did request more work in the future, so I should feel a bit positive about it, I suppose, but that is never the way it goes for me.  I know that there are numerous philosophies and perspectives, but they all fall a bit flat for me.  I just feel rejected when it happens, in all sorts of ways.  I am not good at dealing with it, and it bothers me enough that I don't think it is at all good for me.  I have tried to develop ways of being more resilient and have attempted to look at it in other ways that might help to make it easier, but that doesn't seem to do me much good,...

I Shouldn't Care about Being Cool Any More You noticed my bag and complimented it, and I said it was from a concert Melissa and I attended just a few years ago down in Miami and you were suprised asked if it was really  The Breeders we saw or just Kim Deal and I said I thought it was The Breeders, and you were skeptical, so I said it might be} it was Kim Deal and whatever her new deal is, because I wasn't sure, but I know it was  The Breeders, I checked now, and I was right, and I wonder why I doubted myself at the time. I had the bag there and it says "The Breeders"  right on it.   I did not trust myself. I wonder why I am this way, but the only answer is being human, I think.  I guess it happens to you and to other people I do not even know. It would be nice if you told me I was right, maybe offered an example of your own, though I know that is not  how social interactions work in most cases.

I had a bit of a breakthrough working on my essay tonight.  I started to have a sense of how to explain one small aspect of the topic in a way that hadn't been clear to me before, and it was kind of a shift in my understanding of my own understanding and thinking.  It is hard to explain without getting into the details, but I don't think it is important to explain for what I am hoping to discuss.  The thing is, I had this breakthrough and as a result it was both easier and harder to write tonight.  On one hand, I had something urgent that I wanted to express.  I had a clear sense of what I was hoping to communicate, and I was ready to get it on the page.  At the same time, though, I was still processing and trying to understand my thoughts.  I think that what I wrote was hindered by the fact that I kept reassessing it, thinking about whether I had hit on what I was really thinking, or if I was still spinning my wheels and not yet there.  It may be...

It Is All Haphazard, Really  and I don't understand how to order it or what is best or even how it works in a deeper sense. It is all just doing, not thought or preparation. I don't have that part down, and haven't tried to learn. I just keep going and trying to imagine it is what should be done. I do not know though. Maybe, if I knew I would do better, or maybe I would do less and worse. I can't say at all what good is where. It has been this way so long, and maybe this way is enough, given all the time, given more and more of it.  I do not know. It doesn't seem a good bet, though. I would like a bit more than that, but I also do not know how to change it or do it right, whatever that might mean according to whoever it is can be called the expert.

It has been another long and frustrating day.  First off, I woke up this morning and found that the air conditioner for the bedroom had stopped working during the night.  I called to get a technician out, but of course they won't be here until tomorrow.  I am not looking forwards to sleeping in their with it so hot, but at least it is just one night.  When I called, they originally wanted to push me off until Thursday, to be honest, but they found a slot for the morning.  It would have been nice if they could have made it out today, but I suppose they are quite overwhelmed right now, with it being so hot this Summer.  Anyhow, I am going to have to be up early for them.  I think they want to get it done in the morning since the machine is in the crawlspace and it can get very hot up their during the middle part of the day.  I will have to make sure I have some cold drinks waiting for the technicians.

It Was Fast This Time all of it rolled by, even the bits  that are always slowest were just as fast, and I think that is a good thing, think it is, think I am glad it was easier, or smoother or just quicker. I hope it was good, too, and I think it may be  that it was good, that I did well. I do not know, not now, not so soon.  It takes time, reflection.  But it may be fine I made it through so fast. I do not think it is a sign of trouble. I was not rushing,  it was only that I was ready, that things were clear as soon as I arrived. I think that is good. I am not certain, but I think so.

It has been a rather busy day and I am feeling the overwhelm tonight.  Even sitting down to write was a bit fraught for me, as I didn't feel connected to my work when I was starting.  Part of that is probably because I begin with my prose work.  I say it is because of that, but I know that I had the same issue at times when I was only writing poetry, so...  In any event, I spent a long while not certain how to start.  I did a bunch of reading and eventually came to a point where I had an idea and could get myself into it.  Even so, I still just feel worn out and sapped.  I really don't know what can help to restore things for me right now, as so much of it is a result of circumstances that I cannot alter.  I've got so much to deal with right now and a lot of it just doesn't seem like it can be resolved in any way that will actually be good.  I am aiming for the least bad options, or it feels that way.  I have to hope for something to com...

The Need to Understand I cannot tell trees apart or name the flowers, the bushes, the birds.  I do not even know, most of the time, what lake  or river it is we are seeing as we pass them. I am not attuned to those things, am not trained in that awareness. It may be I would enjoy it more if I had such knowledge, but I do not  and do not believe I possess the skills for it. I am not good at color or shape, do not remember patterns well. I once tried to memorize cloud shapes, to learn their structures and formations. It did not stick either. I still enjoy looking at the sky, I have learned to do it without the need to parse.

Melissa starts working for early voting tomorrow, meaning she will be quite busy and rather exhausted by the time she gets home.  She has done this many times over the past decade or so since she moved to Florida.  It is an important thing to her and I am glad she is doing it, but I will admit that I expect to miss her.  I don't have a great deal planned for tomorrow, I don't think, and it can be a bit lonely puttering around the house on my own.  It is funny to consider just how much time Melissa and I have spent together, especially since the pandemic sprouted up.  It will be strange to be without her for so much of the day.  

A Different City Much disappeared even when I was young, much would come and then be gone, and my father spoke, many times he spoke of the places before, of what he recalled that had long vanished, and so I knew it was never a place for permanence, was never the same, never kept things or let them remain. I knew that, but even so I did not understand, not enough to avoid expectations.

I have been writing on this non-fiction prose piece for some time now and am not certain how to bring it all together at the moment.  As I have said, I've been writing in fragments most of the time, and now I have most, if not all of them, collected together.  I need to sit down and start ordering them, I think.  If I put them into categories that connect the pieces together it might help me to organize them into longer sections.  I know that they are all connected in the broadest sense, but I recognize that some are more closely related than others, and in some cases that they are discussing similar smaller themes that are part of the larger piece.  It may be that I can create sets of pieces that will fit together into sections of the larger essay, and then begin to order those parts together as a way to build towards the entire piece.  I don't know if that is the best approach or not, but it feels manageable to me right now.  I need to do something t...

In Answer to Your Hypothetical Question It is not enough information for me to determine what is best, is not enough at all.  I do not need to know only what I am getting, but out of what, out of how much in total? It is not the amount alone, it is the amount as a percentage, and even if the rest is equal, if things are the same in every way except that one way, it is not the same question as if it is different in other dimensions to make these answers. I don't know what to say if you don't tell me more, but I know it is hypothetical, is not meant to be more than just a simple question about what is valuable, about what matters to me, and I am telling you what matters are the specifics, that is the thing I care about in this example.

I had to go look back for some poems that I had published on here previously, and was specifically looking for some that were published early on, when I first started putting up poems regularly.  I found it incredibly difficult to do, and the options I found for searching through my archive are very porr.  I need to find a way to back up all my work from this site.  I want to be certain I have a copy of everything, especially the poems I've published here.  I have spent a great deal of time and energy writing the pieces that are on this site and I want to be able to preserve them, to keep them safe should something happen.  I am certain that there must be some way to create a back up, though I am uncertain at the moment how to do it.

My Mind Is Rattling about rolling across the floor of my skull tonight and I want to find a way to catch it and place it back where it should be, where it was before, where it seems safer, though I do wonder: maybe it wants this, is learning things, growing. I wonder what it might want.  It may be it jumped down for a reason, or it may be an accident, a mistake.  It might be better to let it be as it is or, is it? I do not know, cannot know. I wish my brain would tell offer a clear answer.

Last night I finished early, tonight I am running late.  I had a lot of difficulty getting started and spent a long while reading and doing some online research.  I found some important, interesting articles and each discovery pushed me to look further in that same direction and I kept finding more.  I am sure I still need to keep looking, to be honest, but I sat around for a long while afterwards, kind of overwhelmed and trying to process what I was finding out.  I think that I am still in the midst of that process, if I am honest.  I need to read through more carefully in many cases.  Anyhow, I eventually got myself writing and am now, at last, finishing up for the night.  Again, I apologize if this entry is a bit on the short side, but I am rather exhausted, even to the point where I am having difficulty keeping my eyes open even while sitting up at my desk right now.

I Can't Explain this disdain I feel, but I feel it and do not think it will change. Maybe it will shift.  It could happen that it shifts a bit, but for now: no,  I do not think so. It does not matter, you will tell me it is this way and I should accept it and I have done what was needed, have accepted that. I am just not glad to have done it, and I am afraid it is not over, that it will be more and worse.  I do not like it. I want it to be better but this way is all that can be.

I am pretty glad to be getting through with my work on the early side tonight.  I have had a number of really late nights this week, and I was already a bit overwhelmed by other things, and exhausted from all our travels and whatnot, so it is good to know that I am finishing up before it is even midnight and will be able to get myself to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour.  I really don't have much more to say tonight, if I am honest, and I feel like it is better to take advantage of the opportunity I am discussing by not rambling on just for the sake of having a slightly longer post.

If Only It Were Still Early It grew and became and nothing was done to be there or involved, though it was clear it was coming to be, would be, was important. Still: it was not easy to be a part, to choose. There were requirements, were needs to be met and rules and protocols. It was not a simple thing and not cheap, not accessible either.  And now, it is this way and it is there  and that is not the same as here, and it would be good to have been there already, to have begun long ago. But that cannot be now and the choices  are not the same, are not as good as they might have been, and mean more and less at once. It is still early, some will say, but they mean on a time scale that is not this life.

I wrote a bunch of poems tonight, and I felt pretty decent about some of them, and felt that a few were just me spinning my wheels, but there are one or two that I am just not certain what to say.  They surprised me in ways that probably indicate a positive shift, a movement towards something new or interesting, in some way, I suppose, but I still am not sure what I think about them.  They didn't seem to be very coherent, in some ways, to me, or maybe it is that they seemed to be uncentered in some way, to be moving through ideas but not really landing on anything as a cohesive theme.  It may well be that is only my impression of it from the writing and when I go back I will see some thread that underlies it all, a set of associations or something that I wasn't noticing when I wrote it.  These things can be driven from an unconscious place, or maybe it is just an accident that sometimes happens.  I don't know how poems come to be what they are most of the time, ...

Impossible Decision There are parameters for what is wanted and they are clear but what is possible does not care about wants, or even about needs. The world is one way and is still that way  even when it is inconvenient and that is simple, yes, is too obvious a thing. It is always this way, but it is not easy when it comes again and again. Why can't there be a choice that has a good option as one of the possibilities present? It seems like that would happen, at least a bit of the time, right? It is never any good to have to make a choice when it is all unwanted outcomes. I do not want to choose if anything I can choose is nothing I want, but I do not want to have nothing, either, I do not want to not choose and have nothing at all, either.

I want to get more playful in my poetry again, want to push myself in terms of sound and image and syntax.  That was the mode I was in for a bit a few weeks ago, and I really feel that the poems were cooking.  I know it is just a matter of pushing myself in that direction, and maybe I just need to do a bit more reading of some poets whose work explores those elements in ways that reverberate for me.  I know that I want to read more Gertrude Stein right now, for example.  I want to get into that place again and she is a poet who often helps me find my way there.  I also want to get into some more contemporary works.  I can think of many poets whose work I love and who inspire me.  I have David Baker's new book, for example, and a collection of Wanda Coleman's that I just picked up.  I am in the mood to absorb other poet's words right now, and I think that is something that comes and goes for me.  I am often so into my own writing that it can b...

I Do Not Know The Man Who Lives in My Neighbor's House I do not mean my neighbor, I mean the man who lives there with them, the lodger or son who parks his car each night where no overnight parking is allowed. I have never met him, have only seen him from a distance or parking the car.  Even  when my neighbor is gone, the man is still here. I still see his car each night. I have never met him, but last night he was mad and came out to scream over the hedge about the noise being made. My friend and I were just talking in the back yard.  It was not so late, had just turned to midnight, but he was irate.  He cursed at us and ranted that we were too loud, that he heard us from inside his room. I told Melissa when I came inside. We had been beside the window to the room where she was sitting, but she heard nothing, she said. I do not understand these things. I do not know who he is or why he was so mad. I do not want to live in a place where I am made a villain because my...

Well, we are home.  I am not certain what to say, to be honest, as I am quite tired.  It has been a strange and long day.  I did begin to compile some of my notes into a document, and added a bit more today.  Maybe I will have a chance to look it over more tomorrow and figure it out a bit.  I read some of what i have and am looking at what needs to be expanded.  I know that what I wrote was fragmentary and, as well, was not fully fleshed out or inclusive of many quotes or direct textual examples, for instance.  I also recognize that their are many areas where I have just started to find footing for how to address things.  I have a lot more to consider and do in order to get this piece right.  I also know that it needs to be done in a certain way so it can hit the audience I hope to reach, and that is another challenge that will be, at least in part, structural.  I don't know how to put it all together yet, but I am getting there.

What I Should Do Is Not This, I Think but I do not believe myself. I want to trust the instinct, but I have to trust this, too, have to be willing to take this leap, or I think that is the case. It is not a simple thing. It is not at all clear. I have to trust in this, or I want to trust it? I suppose I do. I am making a choice that may not be right but I am making it and will learn and gain from it, or it will go wrong and that will mean something, but it is small, I think, It could go quite well. I hope it does. That would be nice. It would be a change for this to go well.