Would That I Might

Melissa and I took a bit of time for ourselves today.  We still have things to do in terms of the house, but we needed a day to distress a bit and enjoy ourselves.  I think it was a good choice and a bit rejuvenating for both us.

Promises will be made and they must be kept even by those who did not choose them. They will be bound before they can know what is to come.

Melissa and I are still busy trying to get things done at the house in Ohio.  It is a bit hard to deal with it when we are in Florida, and can become somewhat overwhelming when we are here, to be honest.  I think we are doing a good job considering the realities, but I know that Melissa would like to feel more on top of things.

It snowed today It was not much and did not stick, just a few flakes at a time, nothing more than that, but I had not seen snow in how many years? I cannot recall, quite, but it is some time. It never snows in Florida, or not never, but not often  and not, I don't think, where we love, down in the southern end of the state, but we are here in Ohio right now, and it is snowing, just a bit, just enough to say: it snowed today, but not so much to recall the practical realities of just why it is not  always a thing to wonder at.

We made it through Thanksgiving and I think it was mostly fine.   There is always a bit of stress with such things, I suppose, but I have to admit that it was probably, mostly, self inflicted this year.  In any event, I am glad we kept things pretty low effort for this year.

Your aunt has mellowed since your mother, her sister, died. It is strange how much she seems at peace, even if not calm or without the marks of stress, she is kinder, has lost the cruel edge, the sharpness of her judgements. It was all to do with love and protection, I suppose. I wish she had trusted us. I wonder if she does now, or if it is only just that she has accepted it is too late for anything she says to make a difference.

Melissa and I are at the house now.  Tomorrow, we will host Thanksgiving with her aunt, though we decided to make it easy and bought most everything already prepared.  I do enjoy cooking, especially a big feast like this, but it was just a bit much under the circumstances, especially as we weren't entirely certain about how well everything would be working in the kitchen.

I almost did not Even now, I think maybe I should just stop, but I won't, I know. I am tired enough to wish I had forgotten so I could excuse it, but I remembered and can't convince myself that I didn't.

Melissa and I are still at the hotel tonight, though we are checking out tomorrow.  I am n9t overly enthusiastic about staying at the house, to be honest.  Melissa and I can't even sleep in the same room, let alone the same bed, which is a bit jarring for me, if I am honest, but I know we should stay there, considering it is out house.  I wish it were a bit more pleasant to be there, but I know it is up to us, at this point, to make it a place where we can feel at home.

A decision was made but is it good or just what was easiest given the circumstances?

Melissa and I went by the house today for a little bit and it seems to be okay for the most part.  The biggest mess was actually the flowerbeds, but that is not a big surprise.  There is definitely a lot to do, but I think we can manage it.

Do not ask for that It cannot be given, must not be, not now, not until you have done what is needed to show  you can do what is needed to rectify the way you  acted when it was me. Why should you get what you refused to give?

We made it to Columbus, though we are not staying at the house tonight.  We plan to go by tomorrow to check it out and make sure it is habitable.  A few years ago we got there and found that the water wasn't working; we tried to get a hotel room last minute and found it rather difficult(there were a few big events happening in town that night, I was told), so we thought it best to just get a room for the first night or two.  Also, I have to admit that the hotel is just a bit more pleasant than the house is at the moment.

I feel it as a need, though I know it is only  a want and nothing so necessary as air or water. I wish I could explain the difference to that bit of me that is making these demands.

Today's drive was quite tiring.  We had to deal with a lot of traffic all day, and hit several major slow downs during the drive.  I am exhausted and have a bit of a headache, as well.  I expect that it is nothing a good night's sleep won't fix.  Thankfully, writing this is the last thing I need to do before getting ready for bed.

I have been trying to keep myself from reacting in those ways. I know they are unseemly.  I do not want to act like that, do not want to be that way. It is strange how difficult it is to change these behaviors even when I wish to and know  they do not serve me.

Macon has been mostly pleasant, though we have mostly just been at our hotel.  I think we may try to go out a bit in the morning before we leave for Tennessee, depending on what time we get up and out from our hotel.

I keep starting which also means I am stopping, too, or not continuing anyhow.  If I continued I would not need start again.  This time maybe I will keep going and reach an ending. Maybe I just did.

Melissa and I are in Gainesville for tonight.  Tomorrow, before we leave town, we are going to check out the Lynx Bookshop, which I am excited about.  After that we are driving up to Macon, Georgia for the night.  

It has been too long and we have adjusted too much.  The chaos should not be so easily accepted, but after so long what else do we even know?

Melissa and I are leaving for Ohio tomorrow.  I know she is still a bit anxious about the trip, and I can't say that I am not feeling that a bit as well.  I certainly feel that I should have prepared a bit more in some ways, but that's kind of how I feel whenever I have to travel, so I don't know if it means much of anything.  At the moment, I am largely worried about the fact that we still need to do a lot of packing, if I am honest.

I do not know if it is a real change To be clear: it has been different and I do not deny that, but I cannot say if it will last or if it is just this moment, right now, and nothing more. There are fluctuations that do not signal anything, and I cannot be certain this is anything more. Give me time, I suppose, let it last long enough and I think I will trust it.

Melissa and I are heading to Ohio for Thanksgiving.  We've not been up there in a while and have been planning to go for some time.  Originally we had planned to go during the Summer, but it didn't work out.  I tend to enjoy Columbus, generally, though I am a bit nervous about staying in the house.  For one thing, it has been unoccupied for a while, and though we have a few people checking on things for us, I am not certain just what it will be like when we get there.  Even if everything is fine, overall, it is still not the most comfortable place, to be honest.  Despite that, I am glad we are going, especially as we likely will get together with a number of Melissa's friends and family who we don't see all that often.

Other people know They are talking about it, too, and talk about it as I do, with the same questions, the same wondering  that I am scolded for. It is all strange. You should know it is not only that I think so: it is strange. I do not mean to offend you.

I have been focusing on trying to get my work done a bit earlier in the evening lately.  In part this is just a response to the reality that I tend to wake up early, almost in spite of whatever time I went to sleep.  It is also, though, an end within itself.  I am very much aware that my writing is largely a discipline for me, that it took pushing myself to do the work each day before I was really able to get anywhere with actually writing the things I always thought about writing.  These days, I am still often trying to push myself to do work in one way or another.  I have been focused on my poetry lately, and that is a positive thing, I believe, but it is also true that I have been hesitant to get back to work on other types of writing, and I want to get through whatever obstacle that is.  For me, I think that working on my writing habits in small and practical ways, like focusing on my tendency to procrastinate or distract myself before doing work, is, I...

Already, there is a loss and not the one that was expected, not that.  It is not that it won't go, too, but there is something else that has vanished first and it was never a thing anyone ever noticed or named, but now it is vanishing and that will make it different. So many have not even noticed yet.

I went for a massage today.  It is not something I really do all that often, but my back has been hurting recently and my doctor recommended that it might help me, and I do feel quite good after, if I am honest.  It was also a chance to destress a bit, which I definitely have been in need of.  I don't know how much it will help in terms of that, in the long run, at least, but I am glad to feel a bit relaxed, at least in this moment.

I am ignoring it which is not blissful at all, if you want to know.  It is always there, even if I am not trying to notice or think about it or be even a bit aware of what is happening, but I do know, I am not able to keep from knowing that it is happening, even if I am ignoring all the details. I don't think it would be better, really, to know them. I cannot do anything to change things and there is nothing to do but wait, whatever is happening and whatever comes of it. I just wish ignoring it actually helped, even if only in terms of  my own anxiety.

I am starting to get a real push from my mind to begin working on some new work.  There have been a few story ideas floating about in my brain for a while, already, with one that feels quite ready for me to buckle down on it, and now I have another idea that seems to be growing in a different and less clear way, but which is compelling me towards the page as well.  I wish I felt more energy right in the moment, but I am dragging quite a lot right now, as I have acknowledged before.  I do trust that I am going to push myself into a higher gear soon, though, and I think it may be the best thing for me in terms of dealing with all the stuff I am trying to process.  The irony of it is that once I start working on this stuff, I will probably feel energized for my effort.

It could be that but it won't be, not tonight, instead I have chosen  this direction and I have my reasons, not that they are good and most of it is cowardice of one kind or another. I suppose that was always  the real problem, wasn't it?  Those  little choices in the moments when fear can be as simple as wanting to get to bed before tomorrow has been damaged in advance.

I finished up my writing quite early tonight.  It did still take me a bit of time to get myself into gear, even once I was at my computer, but I feel like I was able to cut that down a bunch.  In truth, I know that I should and could just sit down and start writing, but I get distracted sometimes.  Really, a lot of the time, I know it is a choice, and I am trying to learn to do better about it.  I suppose it is kind of funny for me to worry about, considering that I am productive already, but there are certainly times when I wind up sitting up far later than I wish to as a result of my tendencies to procrastinate, if only moderately.

There are ways of counting that put me far ahead but I do not think they are the ones  that matter most. I know better than that, have become aware of what scores are kept and who keeps them, only, I think  I might still be playing the wrong game.

I am glad to be finishing up my work this early for tonight.  It's been a long day, as I had anticipated, and I have already discussed feeling quite a bit overwhelmed and stressed out lately, so it will be good to finish up on the early side and try to relax a bit.  I certainly want to try to get to bed before it is all that much later.

Hunger It is there not even resting, not waiting for later, just present and ready and wanting and calling out. I thought it might  fade or vanish or I could tame it, but it has never happened. If only I could learn not to attend to its demands.

It has been a long day, and somewhat taxing on an emotional level, if I am honest.  Tomorrow, I expect, will be long as well, especially as I have the gym fairly early in the morning.  At least I am finishing up my writing before it gets too late.  Honestly, I intended to get it done a bit earlier, but I got distracted about as soon as I got to my computer.  I could still be sitting here without having even begun, so the fact that I am finishing up before midnight feels pretty good to me.

It seemed like good luck That is what I thought, for a long time, what I believed about being here and now, the life I was born with, the chances that waited, all of it.  I thought that was good and I was lucky, but luck can run out and things can change and I wonder, now, with the way it is, if I was wrong, if all of that was just a set up that will make what is to come that much worse by comparison.

I am still trying to come to grips with things at the moment.  Beyond the reality of Trump's reelection and all of that (which has me quite concerned, to put it lightly), I am also dealing with some personal and family drama, which is really just a continuation of things that have been going on for a long time at this point.  I am kind of tired of all of it, really, and it troubles me, especially in light of the larger matters going on around us at the moment.

A decision must be made There is a need for it to be done.  You know that, and I know it, too. It is not anything but the plain truth, the obvious thing. Still, you won't, and I can't, and so nothing happens. It is your choice, and if I say anything it will be a mistake, but it must be done and you won't decide. I can do nothing but wait and watch.

I've had some ideas for stories floating around in my head for a bit and I think it might be time to start working on some fiction.  One of the stories is pretty well developed already, so I might start work on it in the next few days.

 There are ways even now,  even when it is strange with shadows: the paths remain, though it takes care and caution to walk them now.

It is kind of strange to me that, at present, I feel a bit like I am slacking off because I am only writing three or four poems a day right now, and not working on very much prose at all.  There was a time, of course, when writing a single poem on some random day would have been a big deal, when I didn't write anything on most days, and I remain a bit afraid of returning to that state.  I spent a long time, when I began my daily writing practice, pushing myself to write more and more, to an extreme that was probably a bit silly, mostly because I was running from one extreme to another, almost intentionally.  I think that my current practice is probably more balanced, but I often do feel as if I am slacking off by not writing more.

I have not forgiven myself I know I must even if you cannot.  I do not wish to carry this, to feel that I have done you harm. How can I heal this, and at one point does your choice to remain angry stop this being a problem I am responsible for?

I have many things that are stressing me out right now.  Some of it is personal and some is the larger situation into which I find this nation has placed itself, and I am not really certain what to do in dealing with any of it.  So much just feels unknown or intractable at the moment.  In the end, the best I can think to do its to try and write about it, which I trust matters, in its own way.

It was a mistake I want to fix it, to take it back or make it better, but I cannot. I know that. I know it  has happened and I am  to blame. I hope you can accept my forgiveness, that I can express it and make right. I do not know if that is possible. I can understand it, though I do not agree, do not think it is deserved. It was a mistake. I did not mean to insult you so.

A good friend of mine came by for a bit tonight.  He is quite perturbed about the election and what is to come.  I wish I didn't understand his fears or think them largely rational.

The picture hanging in the corner is crooked I fixed it once, already, yesterday.  I should try to get it straight  again.  It is very crooked, forty-five degrees askew. I should right it, that picture I remember  as a gift from my parents on my last birthday before my Father died.

I am trying to remain focused on my writing, on keeping myself from slipping into lethargy.  There is part of me that is always afraid of that happening, though I have been writing every day for many years at this point, and I was tempted to just not write in the last few days, but, in the end, I recognize that I have to keep going.

It was not a good day I did not expect a good day, why would I?  Still, it was not bad in the ways I anticipated, was worse than just being unhappy, worse than the stress and worry. I feel as though  something is lost and I will never find it.

I do not know what to think of America right now.  I want to love this country.  I know how lucky I have been to be born here and to enjoy the freedoms this nation has always afforded, but it is impossible not to recognize that we have chosen what is to come, that it is a reflection of our character as a people and a nation.

Waiting I do not know which way it will be, I can only wait for the unfolding. I wish I knew, even if it will be bad. It is worse wondering just which harms are coming and which are only phantoms.

I am trying to avoid watching the results come in for the election, as best I can.  It is not particularly useful or productive, but just stokes anxiety.  Even so, in the modern day, it is difficult not to have a lot of that information thrown at you, whatever your preference, and it doesn't seem great, at the moment.  I have tried to remain optimistic about things throughout the past few months, and so far as I know it is not yet over, in any real sense, but I've heard enough to recognize that it does not seem to be going well right now.

It has been this way before I can remember it, can recall all of those moments, the waiting, all of it. I can remember. I watched it, maybe, or I did not. I was there, either way, I was there. And now, it is the same, or I think it is. I think it is worse the second time.

Tomorrow is the election, obviously.  Melissa has to be at her polling location by 5 or 5:30, I believe.  In some ways, focusing on her work makes it a bit easier not to worry as much about the outcome, or at least helps me to avoid focusing on those concerns.  I am trying to remain optimistic, but I know it is close enough to be a craps shoot.  Even so, I have honestly felt somewhat positive about a Harris victory, as much as I am aware that means nothing in the end.

I should stop I have before and I plan to, I will.  It is best if I do. I know that. I am not unaware of consequences. Knowing what is best does not mean it is easy.

Today was the last day of early voting.  Melissa still has work tomorrow, setting up for Tuesday, but it is not quite as long a day.  Of course, Tuesday will be a lot, but hopefully tomorrow will be a pretty easy one.

I said I would but I changed my mind: I am too tired.  I would still do it, even so, that is my inclination, to do it anyhow despite what seems best for me, but I decided: not tonight.  I am trying to do better for myself.

My brother just got into town so I am going to go visit him for a bit.  I decided it would be best to get my work done first, though, I don't want to make it too late of an evening.

It is all waiting now which is not pleasant. It would be nicer to have a task, to feel capable of impacting what is to come, but what is left except for waiting? Maybe, once, there was more to do but now is too late for anything but waiting. 

I am doing quite well in terms of getting myself to work more efficiently in the evening.  It does make a big difference, though today was kind of a long and busy day, even beyond Melissa's work at early voting, so I am glad to find I can get to sleep rather early, at least for me.

I do not know how it will happen but I know it will and you know, too, it will.  You have noticed it  arising, you know it is coming,  has, in a way already come.   It begins, even now, even if nothing shows yet and you can still pretend. You are only doing it  for everyone else; it is too late to fool yourself.