Would That I Might

I am trying to avoid watching the results come in for the election, as best I can.  It is not particularly useful or productive, but just stokes anxiety.  Even so, in the modern day, it is difficult not to have a lot of that information thrown at you, whatever your preference, and it doesn't seem great, at the moment.  I have tried to remain optimistic about things throughout the past few months, and so far as I know it is not yet over, in any real sense, but I've heard enough to recognize that it does not seem to be going well right now.

It has been this way before I can remember it, can recall all of those moments, the waiting, all of it. I can remember. I watched it, maybe, or I did not. I was there, either way, I was there. And now, it is the same, or I think it is. I think it is worse the second time.

Tomorrow is the election, obviously.  Melissa has to be at her polling location by 5 or 5:30, I believe.  In some ways, focusing on her work makes it a bit easier not to worry as much about the outcome, or at least helps me to avoid focusing on those concerns.  I am trying to remain optimistic, but I know it is close enough to be a craps shoot.  Even so, I have honestly felt somewhat positive about a Harris victory, as much as I am aware that means nothing in the end.

I should stop I have before and I plan to, I will.  It is best if I do. I know that. I am not unaware of consequences. Knowing what is best does not mean it is easy.

Today was the last day of early voting.  Melissa still has work tomorrow, setting up for Tuesday, but it is not quite as long a day.  Of course, Tuesday will be a lot, but hopefully tomorrow will be a pretty easy one.

I said I would but I changed my mind: I am too tired.  I would still do it, even so, that is my inclination, to do it anyhow despite what seems best for me, but I decided: not tonight.  I am trying to do better for myself.

My brother just got into town so I am going to go visit him for a bit.  I decided it would be best to get my work done first, though, I don't want to make it too late of an evening.

It is all waiting now which is not pleasant. It would be nicer to have a task, to feel capable of impacting what is to come, but what is left except for waiting? Maybe, once, there was more to do but now is too late for anything but waiting. 

I am doing quite well in terms of getting myself to work more efficiently in the evening.  It does make a big difference, though today was kind of a long and busy day, even beyond Melissa's work at early voting, so I am glad to find I can get to sleep rather early, at least for me.

I do not know how it will happen but I know it will and you know, too, it will.  You have noticed it  arising, you know it is coming,  has, in a way already come.   It begins, even now, even if nothing shows yet and you can still pretend. You are only doing it  for everyone else; it is too late to fool yourself.