Would That I Might

I am still recovering after my colonoscopy earlier today.  I've got a bit of a headache at the moment, but generally it went quite well.  The doctor told me he didn't see anything at all and doesn't expect me to need a repeat for a decade, so it is all well, even if a bit unpleasant.  Anyhow, I think I am going to get myself to bed early tonight.

It has to be a principle and not only what is practical or easily done or popular, has to be from under that, from a core that does not move, that rests on a firm base. If it is less, there is nothing.

I am going for a colonoscopy tomorrow, so today has been a bit unpleasant with all of the prep for it.  I'm feeling pretty crummy at the moment, so I am going to keep this short, though I am glad that I pushed myself to still get some writing done tonight. 

Do you think you are innocent and it is all fine, that you have done nothing wrong?  It seems like that, the way you behave, the way you refuse to be responsible, to be bound by your own words simply because it is not what you want, is not convenient for you.  You did what you wanted despite the damage you knew it would inflict and now I need you to accept that some of it must fall on you, that you must make sacrifices if things are ever to be better.

The numbers on sales have come in for this week and were not impacted by the press coverage at this point.  I know it is all online, so it could still make a difference over time, if things start to spread, but right now there is still a lot of work to do in terms of getting word out about Blaze without Burning.  I do feel that I am ready to do that work, at least, and I am keeping hopeful about the future of it all.

The decisions are made Not all of them, but many, at least, and the largest of them all. It will not be the end, I know.  It is just starting and there is more to it all, is so much, but each step is worth noticing. It has been so long a while, I am glad to notice the progress.

I think of the poems that I write here, on this blog, as sort of like sketches. Very often, the ideas are ones that I have been playing around with, and I know that I am probably going to return to them again, even after I write something here.  In some ways, that is true for most of the poetry I write, if I think about it, though I do have more of an intention to revise my other poems, which may be the most essential aspect of the difference I am describing here.  These poems are just, as I said, sketches, with an ephemerality to their creation, and kind of tossed out as almost an exercise for practice.  I bring the same degree of awareness and thought to it, in general, but I am not considering it as anything more than just a sketch, and I suppose that can't help but impact the work itself.  I am not certain exactly how.  I do think it imbues some of these poems with qualities of spontaneity, as well as a kind of rawness, I suppose, that results from that appr...

I have noticed all the ways it connects, deep down, ancient and central, and it is not easily sorted, does not separate into sections, is not even, really, two things.  It seems like this is here and that is there but forests can have roots that run for miles and what seems like all these trees is only one.

Another article has been published about the release of Blaze without Burning, an interview with Patch here in Florida.  At the moment it is running on their Miami page, but is going to be on the Palm Beach/Boca site soon, I believe.  I am still waiting to find out what kind of impact the last round of press had on sales for the book.  I am hopeful that we will notice something, but that may be wishful thinking.

It is not so scary but only because we do not notice, or maybe because it is too much of the same  just faster and more, and we were here, were already inside of this, living through it all, knowing it was too much, was no good for anyone, but adjusted, used to it. Maybe that is why it is so easy to ignore and pretend and be silent. Maybe it is just the opposite, of course. That is  quite possible as well.

It has gotten quite late on me, which is not so typical any longer.  There was certainly a period when I was up late all the time, but recently that has not been the case as much.  Tonight I was a bit distracted because Melissa asked me to bake a special Greek bread in honor of "Clean Monday," which is the first day of Lent in the Orthodox calendar.  I wish Melissa had asked me to do it a bit earlier, but I did enjoy baking it, even if it resulted in my being up far later than I have been recently.  More importantly, I like being able to do special things like this for Melissa.

I could write about hats and make it mean something about being a person, maybe, because hats are a bit silly, aren't they, having them on our heads, sitting there for some reason.  There are reasons, with sun or rain or other possibilities, I would think, but it is not as if there is a good explanation for most hats, for fancy hats or caps, even. It is just what we do, what we like to do, a thing we do as people, not all of us, I don't mean that it is all of us, but it is a thing that people do and not, most of the time anyone else.

 I didn't do my work last night.  I'm not sure what happened, but I was feeling a bit ill and wound up getting to bed very early.  I felt better in the morning, so it might just have been something I ate, or the start of a migraine, maybe.  I haven't had a migraine in some time, but it was reminiscent of that.  I think I fell asleep pretty fast after it started, which might have helped me escape the worst of it.  Anyhow, I am glad to be feeling well enough today.

I am keeping it in my head That is what I am trying to do, anyhow, to hold the idea and keep it there long enough, to believe something and have it be there for me when I need it. I think that might be how it works, how things can shift, if I can do it. Maybe  it can't be done, or it won't work, but I don't know yet.  I am trying it and I hope I will find out something good.