Would That I Might

There are only a few days left for the presale of Blaze without Burning.  If I am honest, the numbers for sales are not what I had hoped they might be.  Of course, there is still a huge amount to do and I am hopeful that things are still percolating.  I know that there is a lot of opportunity as we keep working on events and all of that.  Readings and signings are, I think, a huge opportunity and I am very excited about working towards that.  At the moment, there are a few things cooking, some of which I am very eager to share details about, but I am not certain what has been nailed down yet, and I don't want to jinx anything.

Is that a question you think I should answer? I wonder if it is right for me to do that or if I am  sensing a place I do not wish to go. I am not suggesting it is wrong or a danger or you have intentions, any kind, anything more than curiosity, but some questions want answers that hide  in dark places, or want revelations of information I chose to keep hidden, or to make singular the possibilities I pluralized. It is not  that I won't say, but maybe  I have said all the things that I know.

I am thinking a lot about the idea of creating a full length poetry collection.  I've definitely got enough work for that, and much that I am quite proud of, but the real key, for me, is in discovering a way to bring the poems together so it is a cohesive work.  That is what makes Blaze without Burning into more than just a bunch of poems in the same volume, I think, and I want to be able to continue to do that.  The question is figuring out ways to do it that don't just feel like I am repeating what I have done before, but instead seem like they are building on it.

I want to explain it but first I need to know what it is for myself and I  am still lost discovering what is meant. It is not simple to know. I do these things, get caught in them: my actions happen again. I only notice when it is too late. There is a reason, I am certain, a starting point, a place from which it has grown. I would tell you. I promise I would. It is kept as a secret only because I don't know for myself.

I have not been getting very good sleep lately.  I think it is the Bi-PAP that I use for my sleep apnea, and I spoke to the doctor about getting it checked out, but I don't know what is going on with that, as I haven't heard anything.  I just know that I've been very tired lately and would like if I could get a bit more rest out of my efforts at sleeping.

There is some solace in knowing it has been this way before.  It happens. It is not pleasant, but it is the way things have been and, I expect, will be, and are, that is more certain. It will not make it better or easier or faster, but it is good to keep in mind that this is not uncommon, and always, eventually, it ends.

Melissa and I went to dinner with my mother at a restaurant that just recently opened.  I am not certain she enjoyed it quite as much as I had hoped.  She implied that it was mostly just a bit too loud for her, though I think that was largely in her mind, as many other restaurants I know she enjoys are just as boisterous.  Really, I think it was the general vibe of the place, but I am not really certain about it.  I am fairly certain she enjoyed most of what she ate, so that is at least good.

I want to play those games, too but I think they are not for me, that I am not allowed, would be seen as an outsider, or maybe it is in me that the fear rests? It is always that, isn't it, is always the part within that holds those limits even when it seems they are not present in the world itself.

There is only about a week left on the presale for Blaze without Burning .  Sales have been slow, but I am hopeful about things continuing to build.  I know that there is still more press in the works, not to mention the various events that we are working on.  It would be nice to get some more sales before this ends, but I know that what matters more is the long term results, and a lot of that is more about things that are still to come.

It was done or maybe not. I do not know any longer. I could find out, could investigate, research the matter and come to a definitive answer, but I want to say it was done. I want it to be that way, and not to do more work. It is best to leave it and not worry. I will find out if I was wrong. I needn't worry, it will become clear with just a bit of time.

 There are many nights when I find myself considering the idea of not writing.  I have, of course, had the occasional night here and there where I don't write, for one reason or another, but they are not all that frequent, generally.  Even so, many nights I do find myself contemplating just skipping it.  I might even, for a bit, have myself convinced that I've decided not to write and am just going to take the night off, but then, at some point, I just get to work and do it anyway, and the hardest part is usually just getting myself to start working.

All of that is gone or going or has been taken away  already and won't come back. Maybe, it  wasn't taken, was not lost, was given, was just given away like it could be or should be, like nothing, like a coin  for a phone call, but it wasn't that, was it, and now it is too late and it is  not going to get better, more will be taken and this time they won't bother with anything like asking.

I am getting quite excited about some of the events that are coming together for this summer.  There are some really cool venues that have shown interest in hosting readings and events, and I am feeling very enthusiastic about the possibilities.  There are still a whole bunch more articles that are due to come out, as well, and even more that seems to be in the works, most of which I can't get to specific about.  Soon, I think, I will have some more concrete information to share, so keep tuned in if you are interested.

I am hoping It would be good, I know.  It seems ideal, really, or close to that, is good thing, as I said, as I was telling you, but is it real? I mean, I trust that it is a possibility, that it might happen, but I would be glad to have more than that, to know something true, though I do trust you. I am not saying that I don't, really, I'm not.

I am glad to find myself wrapping up my work on the early side tonight.  It is certainly better for me if I can get myself to bed at a relatively reasonable hour, even if my sleep is never all that great.  It is probably even more significant for me to try and get to bed early because of that, if I think it through, really.  In any event, I am going to be done on the early side tonight, which means I can get myself to bed sooner than later.

It was no good and I do understand your response, but it was not a good thing, was not right, was a thing I did that hurt, that I did to hurt myself, in a way, to indulge pleasures that would harm me, that I knew were wrong and would leave me wounded.  I know it is not an excuse, but maybe I needed sympathy and not judgement. Maybe that is the only thing I wanted in response, though you could not have been aware, did not know the truth. I hid it.  It was shameful so I hid it.

I haven't been writing fiction for a while now and I keep wanting to get back to it, but then I just let myself wait.  I know it is just going to take pushing myself back into it, and once I do, it will be fine.  I think that I need to let myself do it and just enjoy making up stuff, really.  I don't know how good the stories will be, at least not in the beginning, but making a mess is the only way to get towards the real stuff, and I know that a part of me is very deeply drawn towards writing fiction, and I should trust that.  I wish that I felt a bit more confident in terms of my fiction writing, really, but the only reason I am at all confident with my poetry is because I've had practice and feedback, so if I want to write fiction, that is really the only path I know forwards.

The good ideas keep getting left outside, told to sit back and wait in the hall, wait until they are introduced and welcomed to join the conversation, while inside, the bad ideas and the non-ideas are the only ones left, and they are fighting, and the bad ideas are not good at it, but the non-ideas have nothing and are nothing, so they can't win, and the good ideas are still waiting, but probably it is for the best in an orderly  society, is what must be to make certain things do not go too far or get really crazy.

I have been working hard on stuff related to the launch of Blaze without Burning.  It is due to actually come out at the end of May, though I expect it will actually be a little longer before it is physically available, so I've been prepping to do a bunch of events once it is actually here.  I don't know if anything is really firm yet, but I am pretty excited about some of the plans that are in the works.  At the moment, it looks like I am going to be doing at least a few things here in Florida and some in New York, though I am hoping to add more as time goes.  I would love to add some events in Columbus, Ohio, for example, so that we can invite some of Melissa's friends and family who I have gotten to know over the years.

There is an idea and it is good as an idea. I know it is a good thought, but I don't know how to do it or if I am ready or want to, all of which is to admit that I  am scared again.  It is not new. It happens. Really, it is one of the best ways to be certain the idea is worth the effort.

I let the night get away from me, a bit, and am up late getting my work wrapped up.  I've got to be up on the early side, but I am used to not sleeping all that much, I suppose.  I might well have time to take a nap in the afternoon, in any event.

I should be more optimistic Maybe, I should be, I mean. I can't know.  I was trying to be positive at one point, before, earlier, when things were a bit less developed, when there were other possibilities, when things were not this way.  I don't know what good it did, or if it was useful or just foolish. I know I want to think it can be better again, that it will not get so much worse before it is better again. I know it is not going to be forever, I know that. I am not silly enough to think it could be that long, but how bad it will be, that is not just a matter of the time it will take.

I am feeling quite tired today.  It is why I am getting my writing done this early, that way I won't have anything to dissuade me if I decide to get to sleep.  I had a busy week, so I am not too surprised at my being a bit extra tired.  I mean, I tend to be pretty sleepy even on a good day...

It was there You can pretend it was not, but it was. It was not hidden, even, not well, anyhow. It was there. You were told. Everyone was told. Now, it is done, The choices were there to be made, once, but not now.  It is beyond that. It is too late for regretting that mistake. There is work that matters, and (maybe) time to do it.

My mother called to thank Melissa and I for dinner last night.  I am quite glad to know that it mattered to her, as it was kind of important to me.  One time I tried to pay for dinner with my father there and he refused to let me, and told me that I should treat my mother on occasion, and so I would offer to pay for lunch with her when it was the two of us.  I know he appreciated my doing it more than just as a bit of a joke, and I feel like he would have been happy to know I was still making an effort to do that kind of thing and to make her feel special and cared for.

I did nothing I should have, I guess, done something, done more than that, I guess, made it clear I noticed? Is that anything or just the least thing, the least that is not nothing? It might be best I did not act.  I do  not really know. I am not sure what it was. How could I know what to do without knowing what  was happening with some kind of certainty?

It is my father's yahrzeit tonight.  Melissa and I took my mother out to dinner to a restaurant he used to enjoy, and I made certain to pay, which I am sure my father would have appreciated.  I miss him quite a lot, and really wish I could turn to him for advice and insight.  I can't help but feel that things would be much different in my life if he were still alive, even if so many of the things that have occurred around me were just the same.

Tomorrow will come and I am not certain how I can prepare for being  in the world the way it has become. Each day is another, and it is  no easier. I do not know how to change, do not want to change. It is not what is best. None of this is what is best, but I want to survive.

This is a kind of tough week. As I mentioned, last week was the anniversary of the day when Melissa's mother, Ann, passed away, and Wednesday is the anniversary of my father's death.  We also had my Mom's birthday a few days ago, for which my brother and his wife were in town, and just a whole bunch of other things that are tossed into the mix at the moment.  I also have just been quite tired in general, so that is likely adding to it as well.  I have a lot to deal with the next few days, so I suppose I just need to roll with it for the moment.

It is here and now and we are the ones who are here, who will be here to face it, to be present. We have no choice, or if we did we made it before this, and no one will come, nothing will stop it, unless we can, unless we find the way to do it for ourselves.

A good friend of mine just called a bit ago to let me know he is back in town, wondering if I was around for him to stop by.  It has been a while since I have seen him, so I told him to come on over.  He was out of town for the last few months.  I don't recall just when he left, but it might have been before the start of the year.  In any case, he is coming by in a bit, so I should wrap this up and get ready.

I do not know how to make it real It is in my mind, ready and obvious, or close enough. I could explain it, maybe, or if I knew how to draw, perhaps, or something of that sort.  It is there.  I can imagine it, can conjure the details. I don't know  what to do to make it more than a dream, but there are ways. I am certain there are things I can learn and must.

I am feeling quite run down lately.  Mostly, it is just watching everything that is happening in the country.  With my first book on the horizon, I want to really be able to focus on that, to keep an optimistic perspective for the future and what is to come in my life, but things are quite bleak in the world right now, and it is hard for that not to influence my perspective.

Can more be done or is it only this that is possible, because I know this is not enough, not yet, is nothing compared with what is needed, what is required, if anything is to change, to be better, if it is not just going to be another wasted chance.

It is the anniversary of Melissa's mother's death, so not the happiest day in our house, to be honest.  Melissa and I both miss her, I know, and I certainly feel a bit of guilt that we weren't able to do more for her, but the situation was complicated and our hands were kind of tied by other people.  In the end, I am glad that I got to meet her, that she saw that Melissa and I were happy together, that her daughter was loved and cared for.

I am now angry at them for nothing, I know and without any good that can come of it, and I could be fine if you hadn't been so eager to share, to make certain I knew the bad news.

We went out to celebrate my Mother's birthday tonight. If I am honest, the dinner was mediocre, but I believe that Mom had a good time, which is probably the most important thing.  I am feeling pretty tired at the moment and I have to be at the gym early tomorrow morning, so I think I am going to keep this on the short side.  

It is not an apology it is just your effort to make me quiet, to get me away.  That is all you are doing and we both know. If that were not your only goal, you would offer an actual solution, not just say you are sorry while doing nothing but accepting the problem and suggesting the real issue is my need for a solution.

I have another interview to work on.  I began reading through it and have a good idea about most of my answers, I think, but I have to get it written down so it can go back to the magazine.  It has been very exciting to have this kind of interest in Blaze without Burning, and I feel quite lucky to have these opportunities to discuss poetry, especially in front of a wider audience than is typical for the standard poetry magazine or journal.

I forgot to call It was in my mind but I waited a few minutes and that was enough for distractions to arise, for my mind to be pulled off task and when I remembered I didn't think I should any longer.  It was much later and would be something different.

Had a very nice day today.  Melissa and I went out for a lunch date at a new Indian restaurant that just opened near us.  It was very nice and we are already planning to go back soon for dinner.  It is funny: Melissa and I spend a lot of time together, obviously, but we don't often plan things for ourselves.  I suppose we do plan dinners at home, at times, especially recently, but it has been a bit since we went out on a planned date like this and it was nice.  The truth is that I need to be better at planning things and all of the stuff around that, if I am honest, and I hope that this serves as a good reminder to start doing more of that in general.

I received it but I forgot, at least for a time, for long enough that I thought it was too long, thought it was no good to do anything, that a response would be insulting. Instead, I wait and do nothing and hope it will all be fine, that I have not destroyed things by my inattention.

I am still thinking about the idea for a new novel, though it has shifted a little bit.  It is not really all that different, but it is shaping up in ways that take it into a slightly different form, I think, though the idea at the heart and the goal is the same.  In some ways, right now I am wrestling with how to keep certain aspects in play, or if they no longer belong, and if that is what I really want.  It may be that I have to recognize that I'm playing with a few different ideas and I need to figure out how that will come together, or if it is better to keep some of those things on the side for use in the future.

I wonder what it is about I will find out, I know. It won't be long before it is all clear, but I do not know yet, and I think whatever I learn will be troubling, will not be good, anyway. It is going to be more problems, more upset, more needs that want meeting, more clashes between your needs and my needs and everyone else who is now involved, and I am sad about it all, wish it could be  another way, wish I could make it better with a shift of attitude or a change in my own mind, but that isn't real. The conflicts are not as simple as that.

Still feeling a bit worn down after yesterday.  Melissa and I had to go out tonight to an event with my family and it was a lot, if I am honest, but I am home and finishing up my work now, so I should be able to get to bed soon.  Fortunately, I don't have anything much to do in the morning, I don't think, so I should be alright if I try to get a little extra sleep.

I do not have anything prepared so it will just be whatever it is, I guess, whatever comes of it. I can figure out a plan, maybe, or not, and even if I imagine some plan, I don't have to follow it. Maybe I will think of several plans and plan to do something that is different from any of them, and that is kind of a plan, I guess, too.

I am still recovering after my colonoscopy earlier today.  I've got a bit of a headache at the moment, but generally it went quite well.  The doctor told me he didn't see anything at all and doesn't expect me to need a repeat for a decade, so it is all well, even if a bit unpleasant.  Anyhow, I think I am going to get myself to bed early tonight.

It has to be a principle and not only what is practical or easily done or popular, has to be from under that, from a core that does not move, that rests on a firm base. If it is less, there is nothing.

I am going for a colonoscopy tomorrow, so today has been a bit unpleasant with all of the prep for it.  I'm feeling pretty crummy at the moment, so I am going to keep this short, though I am glad that I pushed myself to still get some writing done tonight. 

Do you think you are innocent and it is all fine, that you have done nothing wrong?  It seems like that, the way you behave, the way you refuse to be responsible, to be bound by your own words simply because it is not what you want, is not convenient for you.  You did what you wanted despite the damage you knew it would inflict and now I need you to accept that some of it must fall on you, that you must make sacrifices if things are ever to be better.

The numbers on sales have come in for this week and were not impacted by the press coverage at this point.  I know it is all online, so it could still make a difference over time, if things start to spread, but right now there is still a lot of work to do in terms of getting word out about Blaze without Burning.  I do feel that I am ready to do that work, at least, and I am keeping hopeful about the future of it all.

The decisions are made Not all of them, but many, at least, and the largest of them all. It will not be the end, I know.  It is just starting and there is more to it all, is so much, but each step is worth noticing. It has been so long a while, I am glad to notice the progress.

I think of the poems that I write here, on this blog, as sort of like sketches. Very often, the ideas are ones that I have been playing around with, and I know that I am probably going to return to them again, even after I write something here.  In some ways, that is true for most of the poetry I write, if I think about it, though I do have more of an intention to revise my other poems, which may be the most essential aspect of the difference I am describing here.  These poems are just, as I said, sketches, with an ephemerality to their creation, and kind of tossed out as almost an exercise for practice.  I bring the same degree of awareness and thought to it, in general, but I am not considering it as anything more than just a sketch, and I suppose that can't help but impact the work itself.  I am not certain exactly how.  I do think it imbues some of these poems with qualities of spontaneity, as well as a kind of rawness, I suppose, that results from that appr...

I have noticed all the ways it connects, deep down, ancient and central, and it is not easily sorted, does not separate into sections, is not even, really, two things.  It seems like this is here and that is there but forests can have roots that run for miles and what seems like all these trees is only one.

Another article has been published about the release of Blaze without Burning, an interview with Patch here in Florida.  At the moment it is running on their Miami page, but is going to be on the Palm Beach/Boca site soon, I believe.  I am still waiting to find out what kind of impact the last round of press had on sales for the book.  I am hopeful that we will notice something, but that may be wishful thinking.

It is not so scary but only because we do not notice, or maybe because it is too much of the same  just faster and more, and we were here, were already inside of this, living through it all, knowing it was too much, was no good for anyone, but adjusted, used to it. Maybe that is why it is so easy to ignore and pretend and be silent. Maybe it is just the opposite, of course. That is  quite possible as well.

It has gotten quite late on me, which is not so typical any longer.  There was certainly a period when I was up late all the time, but recently that has not been the case as much.  Tonight I was a bit distracted because Melissa asked me to bake a special Greek bread in honor of "Clean Monday," which is the first day of Lent in the Orthodox calendar.  I wish Melissa had asked me to do it a bit earlier, but I did enjoy baking it, even if it resulted in my being up far later than I have been recently.  More importantly, I like being able to do special things like this for Melissa.

I could write about hats and make it mean something about being a person, maybe, because hats are a bit silly, aren't they, having them on our heads, sitting there for some reason.  There are reasons, with sun or rain or other possibilities, I would think, but it is not as if there is a good explanation for most hats, for fancy hats or caps, even. It is just what we do, what we like to do, a thing we do as people, not all of us, I don't mean that it is all of us, but it is a thing that people do and not, most of the time anyone else.

 I didn't do my work last night.  I'm not sure what happened, but I was feeling a bit ill and wound up getting to bed very early.  I felt better in the morning, so it might just have been something I ate, or the start of a migraine, maybe.  I haven't had a migraine in some time, but it was reminiscent of that.  I think I fell asleep pretty fast after it started, which might have helped me escape the worst of it.  Anyhow, I am glad to be feeling well enough today.

I am keeping it in my head That is what I am trying to do, anyhow, to hold the idea and keep it there long enough, to believe something and have it be there for me when I need it. I think that might be how it works, how things can shift, if I can do it. Maybe  it can't be done, or it won't work, but I don't know yet.  I am trying it and I hope I will find out something good.