Would That I Might

So, I decided, looking at the calendar and considering it, that I would not begin the novel today.  That wasn't a purely capricious and self-indulgent decision, but came because I wanted the beginning to line up with the first of the month, and the fact that it is also a Monday, the start of a work week, well, that just seemed like a bit of serendipity. At the same time, it is not as though I didn't do my work today.  I've written several new poems (I think it is four, but I am losing track, to be honest), and also started work on a play.  I've written several scenes, and have a general idea of the whole thing.  I am not certain it is all coming together at the moment, but it's a draft, and I think I have a lot of potential support for that work, as well.  As mentioned, I am waiting to get some information on a playwrights group, so I feel good getting some work started on a piece to bring for that, potentially. I feel that I am starting to really fire on al...

It has been quite a productive day for my writing, with two poems this morning, and another two tonight, although one of those is a fragment and I think will probably be used with some other things I am working on around the same topic.  I've got a few sort of big groups of poems in my head right now, and some are coming more complete than others. As well, I also began going through some older papers, and I found a lot of poetry that I had from earlier in my life.  Some of it, I am sure, is still worth salvaging, and I think I may send some of it out.  I wouldn't send them alone, I don't think, but as part of a packet with newer work.  It is a way to help fill out what I am able to send out, and I do think that some of that work is probably worth preserving.  I am really glad to find that I am being more and more productive as I push myself in terms of the poetry.  I think I am turning a sort of corner, though I don't want to become too overly invested ...

It has been a long day, but I did get a poem written in the morning and another this evening, with a third one in the works as well.  I was working on that last, but it will take a bit more finessing to get it right.  I am not sure about it really, I need to think on it a bit more...  Any how, I feel that it has been a productive day in that sense, though a bit fraught in some other ways. I feel that pushing myself to write more is a very good thing, and making myself do more poetry is a working, I think.  I mean, it is something I enjoy doing in a sense, but getting myself to do it is often difficult, which I don't think is that odd for a lot of creative individuals.  It can be a scary thing, I suppose, in a way, and it can also be something that requires a great deal from the poet in a certain way, if it is to be more than just an exercise.  A poet must be truly present with the work in a way that is often different than in prose, at least for me. Thi...

As I mentioned yesterday, my daily writing is most often accomplished late in the day, and I would like to get to a point where I am doing more work throughout the day.  First, I do want to be producing more work, and I also know that I feel better when I feel more productive.  Writing a poem a day is a lot, if I think of it objectively, but it feels like I can push myself further in a way that would be positive for me, so I want to proceed in that direction. I realize that this is largely about building a new set of habits around my work.  I need to instill the habit of doing the work in the morning, so I am waking up and getting myself going.  It is something that I've done a bit in the past few months, but I think I can make it a more consistent habit, and I think that doing so will have other positive impacts on my life.  I think it is likely to make me feel much more focused and productive, and to possibly improve how I feel about other things, when I know...

Writing a poem each day is something that I had not done in a very long time, and I am finding it to be quite rewarding.  That it is, in some sense, now a thing I know I will do each day, is, itself, in some sense powerful for me.  I am always working towards a new poem.  I want to get myself to do a bit more than this, though, to do maybe two poems each day, perhaps starting with one early in the morning, and one later as I usually am doing these days. The thing is, that kind of habit building is very difficult for me.  My learning disabilities impact this, in part, as they make temporal organizing tasks, as well as physical ones, quite difficult.  I can follow instructions if I have a schedule, but organizing that schedule in the first place is not something that I do very well for myself.  In building a habit of writing daily, though, particularly with the writing of poetry, I am really developing my own form of a disciplined approach.  I am not ...

Today feels like a very productive one.  I wrote two poems, each of which I feel happy about, and I have thoughts for a few more as well, though I think they may need to percolate a bit more.  It is hard to say, really.  I also think that I am going to try revisiting things that I attempted to work on before, some through revision, some in completely new drafts, I think.  I feel good about a lot of the work. I am in a very good groove, I think, creatively, and I am also percolating on the fiction front, to a degree that I am feeling the urge to jump in for another novel, maybe.  This one I have a good idea of, and I think I might even attempt a bit more of an outline, just for the hell of it.  I am going to see, maybe tomorrow I'll start a bit of work organizing ideas.  I have a few ways I could do that, really... It might be that I am better off just going for it, but I am already fairly clear on a lot of what is in this book, and I also know t...

It has been a productive day.  I did start on that story idea that I mentioned, and I feel that the work I began was good, though it isn't necessarily what I had intended.  I think I got a lot of really great stuff, actually, but it is not all things that I think I'll be able to use directly. Also, I received some more feedback on a few of the poems I'm working on.  One, I think, is almost ready, which is exciting, as I do want to start submitting once I have a few more pieces that are really ready.  As well, I worked on another new poem which I think might be something.  It may still need some work, but I feel good about it as a draft, definitely. Anyhow, going to get to bed early again, as I woke up around five and couldn't get back to sleep...  My sleep schedule is always screwy, but lately it's been worse than usual, so I am going to get to bed before it is much later.

As you may well have guessed, I did not, as I wished to, begin work on that new story, but I did start writing a piece that I am happy with the progress on so far.  It is non-fiction, and I think it is something that will be quite good when I finish, but I need to work on it some more tomorrow.  I got barely any sleep last night, again, so I am going to keep this short, but I do want to say that I am rather pleased about the poetry that I wrote tonight, and feel generally that I am making progress in my thinking about things, though I do feel a strong urgency about getting my work into print.  Anyhow, I am going to keep this short, but I hope to have some more lengthy and interesting posts in the near future.

Another quiet day.  I didn't sleep well again, and I am thinking a lot about my father of late.  As well, I am still somewhat anxious over my own current status.  I need, as I said yesterday, to realize that I am doing the work that I need to, and that is all I can ask.  I cannot go back and make things happen in the past, or even hurry things from this point forward.  I have to have faith that thing will work out.  I mean, I believe in my work, and I have a lot of reason to believe in what I am doing.  I feel rather lucky to have some of the support that I do, and I think my book will find the right person, it is just a matter of keeping at it until I do. Today I did write a new poem, and I think I have an idea for a story, but I need to make myself start it.  I am going to commit now to getting at least a few lines of it on the page tomorrow.  I don't want to give to much away by talking here, but I think it will be an interesting piece a...

I am going to keep it short again today, as I don't really have a lot to put up here right at this moment.  I'm keeping at the work, and I am feeling quite happy about the progress, but I need to  push in order to get to the next level, in terms of the writing, and in terms of career goals.  In some ways, it is a matter of producing more work and doing more revision, and it is also a matter of getting my work in front of the right people.  It seems a bit daunting, at times, and I often do wish that I had taken certain steps already, but I need to embrace the idea that I am in the right place and doing what I must at this moment in time.  It does not help to want the past to be different, and focusing on that can only be a distracting, self-destructive, so I am focused instead on the potential that I know I have, and on the fact that I am a far better and more productive writer than I have ever been, and I know that dedication is going to get me where I need to g...

I've had a rather slow and unproductive day.  I did write a new poem, but I think it is just a bit of wheel spinning.  It is in the direction of a thing I want to get down on paper, but it is not really there yet. I think that it is worth acknowledging that I've been feeling rather down, between the anniversary of Dad's death and the rejection letter, not to mention Melissa being sick last week, and a few other things that have been happening.  It is a bit draining, and I am glad I've been keeping up working through it all, but I want to get to some more positive energy.  Anyhow, I am going to keep this short and try getting to bed early tonight, I am pretty exhausted, honestly, as I only got to sleep at around five last night.

I wrote a rather short poem this evening, but I think it is not so bad, and I certainly like the title, though it might be too good of a title for this piece, or just not the right match.  In any case, I do think that the title itself is good, and that the poem is good.  I don't think I should judge a short poem as less than a longer one, but I realized that I did havea certain proclivity for saying that I should write more, simply because I have a task of writing that I wish to fulfill.  As I realized that I was falling pray to that sort of thinking, and that I was pushing to write more for such an artificial reason, I chose to stop instead of forcing more work. I do, as well, recognize that there is a value in pressing forwards and forcing myself to write more, but sometimes an idea feels complete in a certain way, and this was the case here.   I didn't really feel it would have been fruitful to push further.  Besides which, it was a choice, and one m...

I received another rejection from an agent today, which is not fun. It was rather disappointing, honestly, as this was from an agent whom I was very keen to work with, and my upset at that got to me a bit at first, but as I reviewed it, I cam to realize it had a very encouraging quality. Indeed, it noted a lot of positive qualities, and ultimately pegged it as a matter of taste, and the book not being right for the agent. It may be that I am optimistic, but the message seemed to be that it was not a matter of whether the work itself is good, but whether it suits this agent. So, while I am a bit down about this, it really is positive that it seems my work received serious consideration. Besides, I always knew this book would not be the easiest sell. In addition to that, I've begun work on a new poem, and did work to start revising another piece that I began recently. I am finding that the poetry I am writing of late is taking me in new directions, and I am very glad to find ...

So, on top of the piece that I posted earlier, I did write another poem, one that is not about my Dad, actually.  I don't know if it is working yet, but it is aiming at a fairly complicated idea that recently struck me and which I feel is important to express. As you probably can guess, I am not entirely on tonight, and I do feel a strong sense of loss at this moment.  I come from a fairly close family, and my Dad was a major figure in my life, even as an adult.  He and I talked on an almost daily basis, and yet, somehow, I now feel that I didn't really understand so much until he was gone.  It is a very strange thing, the way we come to know a person through the absence they leave, and I have come to appreciate my father in many ways that I wish I had understand before it was too late.  Anyhow, I miss him a lot, but I am glad to have had a father like he was, who did so many things for that make me miss him the way I do.

So, I woke up early this morning and started work on a poem that I am going to post here, which is about my Dad, and I feel it may be pretty good, though it will need work at some point, of course... Anyhow, here it is: Three Years March 19, 2019 This is not an easy world to come to. Being born here is never a promise of anything , but I was lucky, Dad, because I think you knew that, and knew too that it was up to you to make this big world a place of so much more than just possibilities, where so many things could happen, and more could be made to happen: I was a part of it all. I was lucky to have a father that made me swing on ropes in the park, and pushed me to dive off the board during summer. And, more: you gave me books that dared my mind to reach beyond what I knew, that seeded thoughts past what I could have then conceived. You pushed me to see how big and full of potential this world is, and now, I am here in a world still so big, knowing in all th...

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my Father's death.  It is never an easy time, but I am fortunate to have the support of Melissa, and I really appreciate it.  She has been putting up with me today, and I know that is not easy.  I am going to keep this short, as I am still a bit out of it right now.  I actually wrote a poem today that I am pretty happy about, and which didn't have to do with my Dad's death, so that feels like a win. I've gotten the ball rolling on some other work, as well, though it is not anything much as of yet, really.  I am feeling a bit down right now, of course, but I know that getting the work done is important, and it would not honor my father at all to use his death as an excuse for derailing what I've accomplished so far.

There are a few poems that I am really wanting to crack.  I keep trying to write one that is about my difficulties with handwriting and the experiences I've had relating to that.  Honestly, I feel that it is an issue I've had more and more unpleasant experiences around, and I find it very hard to relate my issues in a way that others understand.  I have had a doctor, after explaining that it was a disability which made it difficult for me to fill out the requested paperwork, and asked for help on those grounds, the doctor basically said that the forms needed to be filled out.  Consider this if the disability were physical in nature, and you may see what I am getting at here.  When you balk at writing by hand, it is not understood that there might be an actual disability, and attempting to explain that in a poem is something I am struggling with of late.  I think I'll crack it, but I keep writing pieces that don't quite get it.. Anyhow, I do think I've bee...

I do not know what to say today.  I don't know that anyone knows what to say on such days, unless it is to say that we have too many of them in the world now.  What else is there?  I read about the shooting and it is just devastating to think what happened.  I'm not really sure what else to say, but that I never feel any less hurt or shocked at such things, and I am glad to say that, but even so, I do expect them in a way that is terrifying.  Such a normalization is something that signals, to me, a dire issue in our world.  Of course, as a write I have to wonder at what I should be doing. I'm going to leave it with that, pretty much, as I don't even know what I can say right now, but the usual meaningless, even if honest, statements about wanting to send love and aid to those who are in pain. For those interested in helping, here is a link to an article from CNN that provides some options.  I wish that I had something to say.  What good is i...

It has been a rather long day, with some unpleasantness that I am still not certain how to deal with, but things should be alright in general.  Being 3-14, it is also Pi Day, and I made a raspberry pie, which was a request of Melissa, and extremely nerdy as an idea.  I think it turned out well.  I know that this isn't usually a cooking blog, but why not. Also, I did write a new poem today, which is a more personal piece and actually is directed at my doctor, and is in response to the fact that her practice keeps sending me to phlebotomists who do such a terrible job as to be absurd.  At he most recent place, which was recommended specifically by her practice, the woman drawing my blood decided my arms would be too difficult, as she couldn't see a vein or anything, and so she went in through my palm, which is still hurting a week later.  Anyhow, I felt like I could write something on that which might be interesting, and maybe help me to feel a bit better. ...

First. let me say that Melissa is home from the hospital and is doing well.  She is still not better, but seems to be feeling pretty good and they sent her home before lunch.  She is still recuperating, and it may take a bit for her to be back to normal, even so, it seems that the prognosis is positive. I did write a new poem today that I feel somewhat happy with, I think.  It will certainly need work, but I think it has something to it, really.  It is about my dysgraphia, and some of the issues that I've discussed here surrounding that, as well as certain incidents with it. I am not so certain about it as a piece, right now, but I do think there are parts of it that are working quite well.  It may be a question of trying to do too much at once, or it may be that it works more than I am imagining... In any case, I am happy with the work, and I feel that I've gotten quite a bit of good stuff done this week, even with everything else.  I am going to keep ...

I am going to be very short tonight.  Melissa, my fiance, is sick and in the hospital.  She had an allergic reaction that was fairly severe, but does not seem life threatening, fortunately.  They are keeping her tonight for observation, but she should be fine.  Still, it was rather upsetting, and I am also somewhat emotional about the hospital itself, since my Dad spent so much time there while he was sick, and was there for an extended period that led up to his death.  He actually passed at a different facility that he had been moved to, but I still had a lot of emotions triggered by the hospital, especially the ER. I did my writing tonight, though it is not particularly good.  The idea itself is one that I think has a lot of merit and even import, but I need to get it right.  I'm very glad that it came to me tonight, and I am going to try working on how to express the concept in a way that I think will really work.  Anyhow, I need to get to ...

I think that I have one poem ready to go out.  It is one that I had sent to Freesia and had revised based on her comments.  She took a look at the new version and agreed about it being ready.  I opted not to do some of what I had considered, as I think that it is working very effectively and that adding the ideas I had could overload it. I also worked on two new poems today.  One is fully drafted and I feel pretty good about, I think.  It is somewhat of a simple narrative poem, but it feels quite strong in some sense and has a very sort of ironic and deep aspect to it, with certain themes that I think it addresses in a subtle but potent way.  The other poem is a longer piece, also narrative but more surreal and I am not yet done with it.  I am trying to find where it is aiming to go, and I think I almost have it... Anyhow, it feels like today was a productive day for the poetic work, and I am hoping that I can keep myself in high gear for a bit now...

I have had a rather atrocious day on several different levels.  For one thing, I attended an event this afternoon that seemed promising, as it was supposed to be a lecture on Florida's literature, however, it turned out to be nothing of the sort.  The event consisted of two speakers, the first of whom spoke nothing at all about literature, aside from mentioning a quote from Harriet Beecher Stowe which he then proceeded to, by his own acknowledgement, discuss in a way that was completely unrelated to the meaning and intent of the passage.  He literally stated that this was the case, and the rest of his talk was a discussion of art using his purposefully distorted misreading as some sort of thesis.  The attempt to shoehorn literature into the talk was so bad that it was offensive. The second speaker also seemed more interested in discussing visual art, though he did mention the names of various writers who have lived in Florida or written about it.  Of course, h...

I've done work on a new poem, and I feel it is an idea that I need to work on more, but which has a strong core to it.  It is a matter of finding the way to express the idea. I have a thought for something that I think will be quite good, but I decided that I would work on it tomorrow, as I am rather tired and had to deal with some personal, family matters and I wasn't entirely comfortable with things as they happened or with the results, if I am frank.  That has left me a bit upset, and I feel that I should just get myself some rest and start again in the morning... I'm hoping to get myself to work on the revisions again, and I already have an idea for a poem, I think, though some of it is still amorphous at present... Anyhow, I think I am going to keep it short tonight, but I have some thoughts that I might want to put down on here tomorrow, and I think maybe I'll be able to get myself to work on some other things as well.  I feel rather prepared to get a move on ...

It is kind of astounding to think that I have done this for two hundred days.  I know I missed one day, but I think that is all, and it seems kind of amazing that it has been so long.  I don't really feel that I have been doing this for such a period, and I am not even thinking about the time I spent before I really started this particular aspect of the blog. That consistency really seems important to me, and it seems to me that just keeping at it for this period is somewhat meritorious in and of itself.  It is not that I think that writing these entries is a significant act.  In most cases, it is not, though I do hope it is interesting and worth reading, even when I keep the entries fairly short,  The point is more about my keeping at it, and having a way to remain accountable for the work I have done. I feel really glad to have this, and I am glad to be keeping at it.  Tonight, I wrote a poem which I feel quite good about, though it is far from being...

A productive day with a bunch of revision work done, and a new poem written.  On top of this, I also went to a reading, which seemed a good thing to do.  I think that kind of stuff is probably good for me, even if I don't always appreciate it at the time.  I'll admit that I am rather selective in terms of the writing that I admire and enjoy, and I can find it trying to put myself in the right frame of mind to attend open mic events in the proper generous spirit. I am not meaning to disparage other people in that comment, honestly, as I am speaking about my own response, and am aware that I could be more open, especially knowing how difficult it can be to share work.  I think it is important that I cultivate the right attitude, and that I appreciate the work of others if if it does not seem like something that I would enjoy, or is a bit amateurish. Anyhow, I feel that it is important for me to attend these kinds of things, not only to read my work, but also to co...

So, I received back the poems and comments that I was waiting on and am digging in to the revisions.  I started with the one that feels the closest to being completed, or whatever I would call it.  I did a pass on it, but am thinking that I may want to do a bit more on it at the moment, just thinking about it and trying to decide.  I have an idea for it that I might want to try out, and I think I know, if I do it, how, but I am not certain if it is right or if it would be too much. It is worth mentioning, as I have before, that I came up with some of the solution to how I would write the new ending as I was sitting here writing about the possibility.  It is funny how often my ideas come clear while working here, and I am hoping I can apply that to deeper purposes in the future. To get back to the main thrust, though, I did that revision and began some preliminary reading of the other poems, in preparation for those revisions.  I don't know which of the po...

I am quite excited that I'll be getting that feedback tomorrow from Freesia.  I did work on a new poem today, though it isn't one I am overly invested in right now, but I really am looking forwards to having some help to get the revisions going, and perhaps even to figure out the right venues for some of these pieces.  The poetry really is a priority in that regard, though I do want to push myself to get more queries out for my novel.  At present, I am feeling that I'm making real progress, at least internally, but I know that the big step is getting the work out into the world, and that this will be the thing that ultimately is going to make the difference.  I know that getting published will make me feel differently, and will give me some confidence that I am lacking, as well as opening up the potential for other opportunities, which may even boost my chances with my novel and other works.  I do have to keep it short again, as Ulysses still is not feeling ...

I wrote another poem tonight, though I am not entirely sure of it, really.  I think it could be a bit too vague at the moment, but it might be just that I am not thinking of it right.  Anyhow, I am feeling quite good about things in general, in that I am really excited about the things going on in my work and about the possibilities that are growing with that. I'm sure that I'll be able to get poetry out there this year, and though I don't know if I will be able to place the work in the journals I am interested in, just getting myself out there is going to be a big thing.  As well, I am sure I'll have enough for a collection at some point, if I keep the writing up.  It is my intention to keep writing poems daily, even if I start on other work.  If I do keep at it the way I have been, I think that will be the engine for many things in my future. I do want to keep it short tonight, as I am pretty exhausted at the moment, but I wanted to mention that I am start...

I feel that things are starting to come together a bit, in terms of my poetry at least.  It feels as though I am on the path again, after many years, and I am starting to get back more of the mojo that once I had.  This is due to many things, really, and some of it may just be optimistic, but it is grounded in what's been happening. First, I have two local literary journals that seem open to my work, and which I am going to send to in the near  future.  One is online only, I think, but that is okay.  I just have to pick what I want to send them.  The other is Swamp Ape Review which will be opening it's window for submissions next month.  In both cases, I've had a positive sense that they are open to my work and I want to send it out to them. As well, I feel that I made a very good connection when I saw Freesia this weekend.  We are working on an arrangement for her to help me with some of my work, and I think that I might actually go to attend...

I feel that today was a very productive day for me.  First, I did write some new poetry, and in particular worked on an idea that I have had for a time, but which I didn't feel entirely prepared to take on up to this point.  It is, of course, still just in the draft stage, but it feels like a good beginning, at least a shape for the thing. There was a poetry workshop today that I attended and the teacher is someone I had met and worked with previously.  It was very energizing, and I felt a real connection with the work and how it was being presented.  I am hoping to keep in touch with Freesia McKee, who taught the class, and maybe to work with her somewhat more directly.  She is young, but I have known her for a few years and feel that she has a real sense in terms of the work she is doing.  I also spoke to a number of other people at the workshop whom I intend to keep in touch with.  One is an editor at the SoFloPoJo (southfloridapoetryjournal.com...

As it is Melissa's and my anniversary, I am planning to keep this rather short, so that I won't spend too much time here in my office.  In truth, it's not been a great day, but I am not going to get into that... I wrote a new poem.  Honestly, on one level, a poem each day seems minor to me in some ways at this point, but I have to realize that I started this blog at a point when I did not have a regular writing practice, and had not been regularly writing poetry for many years.   I feel not only glad that I am still writing on a daily basis, but also want to acknowledge the change marked by my belief that I might need to push myself harder if I am to feel that I am actually doing anything of substantial.