Would That I Might

I went to a reading s evening with Sy Hoahwah, who is a  Yappituka  Comanche and Southern Arapaho poet, and I found his work quite interesting on a number of different levels.  For one, his blending of imagery that is rooted in contemporary poetry with systems of thought from native cultures was really striking.  In many ways, his work is building connections between ways of thinking and different mythological landscapes.  The poems are able to pull from each of these different cultural contexts in a way that is very natural and unobtrusive, even mentioning it, in some way, feels to be pointing out something that should not be discussed, as it is such a natural feature of the work.  Beyond that, the work was also filled with exciting imagery and the unique fascinations that mark any poetic voice.  I am very glad to have gone and look forwards to reading that work more closely. I also did write a new poem.  It feels that it might have a bit ...

I feel rather good about the writing I've been doing of late.  Today I put another poem on the page, and feel it is a good start at the least.  Yet again I am quite struck by the fact that I am finding the work of producing these pieces easier each day.  I may start pushing myself to do more of them, but I think first I might want to try work on writing the play that has been in my mind of late.  The general notion involves a character in some sort of post-apocalyptic world who is attempting a sort of quest, which has led them to attempt to enter a door that another character is behind and guarding.  That is essentially the entire setup of the piece, but I think I have a real understanding of it on deeper levels now that will let me actually write it. In my initial conception of the play, I hadn't really considered the piece fully, but thinking about it and considering other plays that I've read and seen, I have a much clearer sense of how it would work as a...

I received a rejection today, and that is not fun.  It is not unexpected, of course, but it is not a whole lot easier when that does occur.  Perhaps, it would be less difficult if I felt I was achieving more, but at the present getting the book agented is my major push.  I need to start trying to publish other work.  That will help on several levels, I would think. There are a number of opportunities that I have and intend to pursue.  I should get some stuff prepped to send out. These are not major places, but that is not the biggest deal, really, and I need to start someplace.  I am sure that part of my reaction is still from not smoking.  I wish that got better on a steeper incline, but I am making, I think.  I'm very tempted to buy a pack almost daily, but have abstained so far.  It's a victory, of a sort, though I do fear that I could cave any time... Anyhow, that's really about all.  I wrote another poem tonight, though I am no...

It is funny, but sometimes on the days when I don't know what I want to write about, and really feel a desire to not do the work, it turns out that something happens suddenly and without any previous thought.  I wrote a poem tonight that does not really seem to be an idea I had in mind at any time before.  The images connect to other pieces I've written, in a way, but not fully, and it is clearly a different type of poem in a number of different ways. The thing is not so much the poem itself, but the acknowledgement that I need to do the work each day, and that I can never truly know what work I will accomplish at any given time.  I mean, if I had listened to myself, a few minutes before getting to work, I would have walked away and gone straight to bed.  Instead, I forced myself to sit down and do the work, and what resulted feels to be something more valuable than what I had expected.  It is impossible to predict such things. I also am still developing tha...

I did not start work on that play idea yet, at least not in any direct sense, but I do think that the work for it is going on in my mind already.  I've got a number of ideas that have been coming together around it and I think it may be ready for me to really work on soon.  Anyhow, I feel good about it as an idea, even if I still need to give it a real sense of shape. In addition to that, I did write a new poem, and I feel again that I am getting to a good place in writing daily, where I can squeeze an image in order to find why it first fascinated me.  I'm not saying that is the only poetry I am writing, or that it is superior, but it is important to be able to write from most anything that sticks in my mind and feel comfortable that it will lead to an idea worth exploring.   Tomorrow will be an early morning, as I have that meeting in the morning with the learning specialist I spoke of.  I am a bit on edge about it, but I know it will be a good thi...

I have an idea for a play that I am hoping to begin work on tomorrow.  The general set up was something that had been in my mind already, but today it came into focus in a new way that I didn't really expect.  I think it has the potential to be something quite interesting, though I'm still uncertain about it in the entirety of the piece.  It would be somewhat in the spirit of Beckett, to be honest, but I think that it could work quite well. As well, I did write a new poem, and I think it is one with a real potential.  Honestly, I am a bit exhausted feeling right at this moment, and still feeling under as a result of nicotine withdrawal, so I think I didn't put in quite the level of effort I might have.  I did find the idea, though, and I got enough of it on the page to know the shape and reasoning of it, even if it is not working fully at this point. As said, I am still feeling rather down and a bit out of it, but I am still getting the work done.  I...

I don't really have a lot to talk about tonight,so I will be keeping this short once more.  That is not to say that things are going in a negative direction.  It feels that I am dialed in on the poems, to an extent, and I feel that I'm getting a sharper sense of the kind of work I am aiming at right now.  Some days, I really don't know what I want to communicate, but that is itself something that I feel is worth exploring, and it certainly has led me in some interesting directions.   It seems to me that I need a bit more stimulation in order to feel the level of engagement that I want with the work, and I am seeking ways to supply myself with that part of what I think would be optimal.  Obviously, there are aspects of what I am interested in for myself that would be better if I did have resources beyond myself, and I am attempting to cultivate some of that as well. What matters most for me, though, is doing that work.  I am also, of course, wantin...

I am recognizing that I am uncertain about the quality of a lot of the poems that I am working on lately, and I think that is probably a very good thing, if I am honest.  It means that I am stretching to do work that is uncertain, and thus has a certain danger to it.  As well, I think it is significant to become comfortable doing work without certain kinds of assurances or motivations.  In essence, I recognize that I am doing a job and cannot wait for the inspiration but need to actually do the work.  This does not downplay the work, in any sense.  I know that writing each day will never produce consistent work: some poems will always come out better than others.  What is more interesting, though, is that I think it likely I won't know which ones are which until later.  In part that will be about revision, of course, but, as well, I think it likely that I won't always know the difference in terms of the work that matters and that which doesn't. In es...

So, first, I missed marking that I have apparently been writing this journal for a full half year already.  That seems unreal to me, honestly.  It does not seem like anywhere near that amount of time that I've been at this, really.  Strange how we perceive time... I am going to keep this short again, I think, as I don't have much to report at the moment.  I wrote a new poem, which I think is good but, again, in need of work.  I am still trying to make contact with that woman I mentioned.  I called again but am waiting for a response.  I feel somewhat on edge right now, not only because of quitting cigarettes, but also as a result of recognizing some of the issues I have and ways in which they are still very present in my life.  I often don't recognize this, but lately some experiences have made me consider it  more closely.  It scares me that I can easily make small errors that are purely a result of my dyslexia, but which others wil...

I expect I will keep tonight's entry fairly short, as I am honestly not feeling all that wonderful at the moment.  I've been attempting to quit that awful habit that is tobacco, and it is not a pleasant thing, but I am making it pretty well so far. I hope that this time it will actually stick.  I feel optimistic about that, honestly, but I've felt that way before... Anyhow, I did my writing tonight and have a poem that I feel might have some merit, though, again, I know it is in need of work.  I didn't start the revision that I intended to, but I am going to get that poem printed out, at least, so I can read it and make notes, if not tonight than in the morning.  Certainly, I need to do that work.  I also have another couple of poems I feel are very close and really good in their overall approaches to fairly thorny subjects.  I feel they are poems that I need to get published, and that have things to say which I want to get into the world.  One is ab...

I am finding a certain stride in writing my poems now.  Tonight, I plucked something out from my day and feel it worked.  In some ways, I feel more comfortable with other kinds of images to start from, and other types of poems in general, but I am also aware that I am doing work that is pushing me and that I think is important for me to be doing. Now, admittedly, a large part of that import is in terms of the act of doing the work itself, but, as well, I also believe in the actual output itself, and not only in the effort it represents. In some ways, writing that scares me is worth doing for that reason alone, and I believe it will result in things that matter too.  The piece that I wrote tonight is not the kind of thing that I think I'd have written at other points earlier in my writing life, but I also recognize it as connected to ideas that I had attempted to put into work before without success.  That I made it work in a way that feels right to me suggests that...

It has been a rather quiet Sunday, and I spent much of the day just resting up.  I wrote a new poem, of course, and I feel it may have some merit, even now at this early stage. It is important for me to think in terms of that revision process, as that is where so much of the real work needs to be done.  I am still being lazy about it, honestly, but being aware of that, I am also able to make the necessary changes.  I feel that this will be a  pretty good week to start on some of that, as I know that Melissa is going to be pretty busy much of the time, so I should have the opportunity to focus on the work for myself. It is rather hard to do revision without some guidance, at least for me, but that is probably something that is a result of how I have worked in the past.  Most of the periods when I have been truly productive in terms of poetry were in school when I had others who were experienced poets who could provide insights.  I am now, though, at a poin...

Since beginning this blog, I have made a number of significant changes in my work habits, and I feel that I am making positive strides towards my goals as a writer.  This is true in terms of writing, but also in terms of my efforts at getting my work published and building an audience.  It is certainly true that I am doing far more in terms of both generating new work, and in seeking out opportunities for myself, than I have in many years.   While that is all true, I also have to acknowledge that I still recognize that there is a lot of improvement to be made.  In large part. the issues I am having are ones that have plagued me my entire life, and are largely connected to my learning disabilities.  As I have mentioned, I am severely dyslexic, though that is really just a catchall term for a larger range of issues.  In truth, I'm not certain of all the specific labels that might apply, though many of my issues are more connected to spatial relationsh...

I did finally send out my next query letter today, and I am glad for that, though I am not entirely confident in it.  Really, it can't harm me, though, I don't believe, and it is certainly in my best interests to keep going on that front.  I am going to need to start doing some more research at the moment, though, for the next several agents on my list.  It may take a bit of work for that, but I know it is important and I'm ready to go. In addition, I also wrote another poem that I feel, actually, pretty good about in some ways.  I've been going into some new places with my work of late, and I feel it is important that I am doing work I would never have been comfortable with before.  It is far more connected to the events in the world and reflects aspects of my experience and perspective that I never directly spoke about. I do have an idea for a poem that I know I want to write, but I am still coming up with the way for it to work.  It is about the idea...

I am not really much for Valentine's day.  This is not due to a lack of romantic spirit, or a desire not to express my feelings to those I love, but more a sense of discomfort with the holiday itself.  Being Jewish, I find it a bit discomforting to connect my own love, in particular romantic love, within the context of a saints day.  I do recognize, of course, that it is largely divorced from that context for most people, even those who might otherwise be religiously invested in the St. Valentine, but it is still something that crops up for me.  Which is likely to make my fiance feel rather unhappy, since she doesn't have those issues, but I am intending to deal with that in my own way. Anyhow, on other fronts, Melissa and I attended a poetry reading by Danez Smith, which was wonderful.  After hearing the work and the answers to several questions, it is clear that the presence on the page is the most important part for Smith as a poet, and the work has a bold ...

Thankfully, my computer is back up and running, and I think it is doing okay.  It is always hard to tell, honestly, but I had some help checking it out and I trust that it is in good shape at the moment.  Anyhow, I am back online and thus back in action on here. I did write a poem last night, though it was not much of one.  Tonight, I think I actually spun something from a fairly small fragment that was honestly connected with my thoughts on not having any ideas of what to present initially.  It worked out into something that I feel has some oomph to it, and I am rather hopeful that it might be a step towards a more consistent methodology or practice.  Certainly, I am writing daily, but that is only a small part of the kind of consistency I am speaking of. The consistency I am dealing with is more connected to the inspiration than the writing itself.  It needs to be both, and they need to work in tandem.  Inspiration, of course, is not the right te...

I am writing this on my phone at present, as computer is currently having some issues.  I M hoping to resolve them with all haste, and hope I can post an entry tonight, but that may well be a pipe dream.  For now, though, I wanted to at least post this apology.

One of the hardest moments for me is sitting down and knowing that I need to get to work, but not having a clear idea of what to do.  Many writers advocate doing free writing at such times, and I have attempted that many times, but it rarely works for me.  It may be that I tend to alter the process of that in some way so I am not focusing it on the fact that I am not sure what to say. It is probably natural that my free writing, when I stall, becomes a meditation on my inability to think of something else to say.  It seems that could easily be an entire genre of work, by writers who refuse to be blocked in some sense. I did, actually, write something, though it is not necessarily anything that I want to keep working on.  It was, as with so many such pieces, a short excursion which wound up exploring it's own lack.  That does not make it invalid, and I think it to be a better example of the kind, at least in terms of my own output, but I don't feel it has very ...

I attended another lecture at the Morikami today, this one with a tradition Japanese stone carver.  I am actually attending a workshop he is teaching tomorrow.  It is going to be, I think, more of a lecture type class than actual hands on, but it should be quite interesting.  His talk today was quite interesting, but it can be hard to follow, even with a translator, and I suspect that the more direct interaction tomorrow will be quite a bit more illuminating. In other fronts, I did write another poem today, and one that I feel has a lot of potential. It is a rather directly political piece, which is not my usual tact, but I felt I had something to say that was important, and which has been trying to come out for a few days.  I am not certain if this form is the ultimate version of the poem, but it is certainly a very good start in the direction I wish to go, and it may actually be more powerful than I suspect. As well, I received a short email from Nickole Brown ...

I had a rather busy day, with a lot of varied and interesting activities.  First, I went to an orchid show with my mother and a family friend.  My father used to be very into growing orchids, and the group that does the show is one that he and my mother were once quite involved with, so it is more about that then the actual flowers.  I did buy a pitcher plant, though, as they seem to do well here, in general, and are interesting and odd.  Carnivorous plants have always kind of fascinated me, I suppose.  Probably before I ever saw Little Shop of Horrors .  Next, I went to the Morikami Japanese Gardens and Museum to attend a lecture and demonstration on traditional Japanese bamboo crafts, particularly fence building, by a traditional artisan from Kyoto.  It was a very interesting event, and the artisan had a huge amount of character, despite his not speaking English.  There is something amazing about the complexity of something so simple, and watc...

I wrote another poem today that I feel quite good about.  Honestly, the idea was in my head last night, but I didn't follow it immediately and instead tried for something that wasn't right, or perhaps just isn't quite ready.  I'm not certain what made me balk, other than the memory of another poem that may share some qualities, but is still quite a bit different, on many levels.  Besides, the other poem isn't published, and it may be that the same idea can find a better expression in any case.  What is even more important, though, is even if the piece wasn't something that had any actual originality in the end, or was otherwise not worth having written, the act of writing it would have mattered.  Though, at the same time, I know that the poem I wrote isn't the same one that I would have written at a different time, so I am glad I did the work when I did, as I appreciate the result, as well as the lesson.  Still, I know that in the future, I should just get ...

I sent out that query letter today, and feel quite good about that.  It took a bit to get myself to do it, but it was worthwhile, even if nothing comes from it.  I feel that their is a fair chance, though, and am quite glad that this particular agency requests a full manuscript.  First, I think that the book itself is the thing that should matter, and that it will do a lot of the work for me.  I believe in the quality of the writing, and that it will stand out on it's merit, even if my letter is imperfect in some way.  As well, it also makes it honest for me to tell other agents that I can't honor a request for an exclusive, as the manuscript is already out with another agency. I also attended the event at FAU with literary agent Renee Zuckerbrot, which was a bit of a mixed experience.  I feel that I may not have made the impression I wished to, but I do think that she is likely to respond.  Honestly, the issue was that my question was a fairly deli...

I am quite pleased to say that I did write a new poem, and one that I feel is interesting.  Much of what I have written in past several days seems to be in the sort of surrealist vein that I naturally veered towards in the past, but I am finding it to be rather different in tone and in terms of the kinds of images and stories.  These poems are not so clear as the ones that I wrote when I was younger, and have a much more complicated set of images.  I feel quite strongly that these are poems that I need to be writing, but I also recognize a desire to also do work in other directions with my poetry. For example, I am working on one poem that is about issues of race, and the questions I am trying to raise in it seem really meaningful to me.  It is a simple story about an even in my past, and one that is not, in any way, important or racially charged, but which presents an opportunity for me to consider other events in comparison.  I think that kind of work is als...

I drafted my query for the next agent, though I did not send it out today.  I still need to check the specific criteria, and I want to make a final pass on the letter to check it over again tomorrow, but I plan to send it out.  Then I can get into some more of the research.  I am quite nervous about this process, but I feel positive that it will work out in the end.  It may take a bit of time, and I may not get exactly the results I hope for or expect, but I don't doubt that, in the end, I can get there. In terms of poetry, I did write another piece today.  It is another longer narrative poem, with a sort of strange, somewhat surreal element to it.  Unlike the past couple of days, it felt like genuine work from the start, and I feel really glad that I am still writing in that way.  I do have that fear of losing a bit of my mojo again, and I am also afraid that fear will actually cause me to do so.  I mean that, I will become blocked due to a fea...

I am feeling the need to charge up a bit more, in terms of my poetry.  In part, that will be reading, and also doing some revision, as well as continuing work on a longer poem that I had begun last week.  As well, it is reaching out to some other people.  I know that I am in the zone, and I recognize that I need to maintain this level of energy through these various means.  It took a long while to build myself to this point, and I don't wish to relinquish what was gained.  I know that I cannot lose it, in some sense, but I also realize that it is easy to let things go dormant, and that I do not wish to do that again, at least not right now. I did get a poem written, though not one that I think has much merit in many ways.  It was an exercise, and mostly just spinning my wheels.  I need to come up with a specific process and exercise to get me thinking in the right way when I don't have an idea at hand.  It is a matter of process, and that is imp...

Another long day, though I did attend a reading hosted by Swamp Ape Review (the FAU MFA programs new literary magazine) and read a few new poems that I am working on.  I think it went over quite well.  Melissa came with me and said she felt my work stood out among the rest.  The most significant thing was that the director of the MFA program was present.  While I have seen her around many times, I don't believe she has seen or heard any of my work before, and so she may recognize the genuineness of my interest and commitment. I wrote a short poem, though I am not sure if it is any good, and I don't know what I will do with it.  I pushed myself to do it, because I want to write each day, and I hadn't, but I am exhausted, so it may not be my best work in some ways.  I am, as said, exhausted, so I am going to call it short again.  I was up before dawn this morning, and on my feet for much of the day as well, but I do want to get more work done tomorrow....

At the event where I was volunteering I met a number of students from Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High, who were there to work with us setting up the breakfast.  The past several years they have had students from local schools, but I was not sure what to say when I found out where they went to school.  I am working on a new poem that is exploring that in a way, and working towards something, though I am not certain it is there yet. I am getting up again early, so I am keeping this to the minimum again so I get at least a few hours of sleep.  I should be getting back to a regular schedule soon, but I am glad to say that the work does keep coming... Anyhow, that is it for the moment, hopefully, I will have more time on here tomorrow.

I did a bunch of the research and am getting the letter together for the next agent.  It is taking me a bit to figure out, as I said yesterday, but I am in progress with it.  I feel strongly about my first query, which may be a part of why I am in less of a rush, but I know that I can't just submit to one agent and think that will work.  If it happens that I do get that one agent saying yes, great, but it is not all that likely, and I am better off having more stuff out there. I am doing a lot of writing, but I am feeling a bit hesitant in general.  It isn't that I'm not doing the work, it is more that I just feel a little isolated at the moment. That's natural, coming from the community of the PBPF, which was so warm and inclusive.  I need to reach out to a few people from the festival, actually, and see what I can do to build more connection.  This morning, I did write a new poem, and it is actually a rather long piece.  It needs a lot of work, hon...