A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Hundred-And-Eighty

Since beginning this blog, I have made a number of significant changes in my work habits, and I feel that I am making positive strides towards my goals as a writer.  This is true in terms of writing, but also in terms of my efforts at getting my work published and building an audience.  It is certainly true that I am doing far more in terms of both generating new work, and in seeking out opportunities for myself, than I have in many years.  

While that is all true, I also have to acknowledge that I still recognize that there is a lot of improvement to be made.  In large part. the issues I am having are ones that have plagued me my entire life, and are largely connected to my learning disabilities.  As I have mentioned, I am severely dyslexic, though that is really just a catchall term for a larger range of issues.  In truth, I'm not certain of all the specific labels that might apply, though many of my issues are more connected to spatial relationships, and thus affect not only my general coordination, but also present many difficulties for me in terms of organization.

If you were to look at my office at the moment, you would see that it is filled with piles of books and papers, along with a smattering of other random junk that is about.  It is not an unconstrained mess, and mostly is limited to my desk and a few other spots that are relatively appropriate, but it is still not a functional space for me.  I think that not having my physical space in order actually has deeper impacts, and makes it much harder for me to focus on my work.  For one thing, I am constantly distracting myself with this or that thing.  I notice a book I've been meaning to read, or some piece of my own writing that is printed and sitting there, and I forget what I should be working on entirely.  Or, I get, at times, frustrated with not being able to find something, and waste huge amounts of time reordering the piles in ways that are just as useless.  It is a frustrating thing, and the hardest part is that asking for help from my fiance or other family is generally not that helpful, as it would take a person who understands the issues I am facing to help me in a way that was truly valid for my situation.

As I touched on, the issue of distraction is something that comes up, and is a part of a larger problem, of being able to manage my time in a way that actually works for me.  I need to develop a real routine and schedule for myself, and I am aware of that, but doing so is not all that easy.  For one thing, there are not very many regular routines in my life.  I don't mean that in the sense of my not having established them, but in the sense that I do not have a job, nor does my fiance' at present, and so we tend to have a fairly flexible and varied calendar, and one day is not all that like the next in many ways.  I have gotten into the habit of doing this blog as my last "work" of the day, but it is not as though I have set time for that.  

In short, I am recognizing that the work I've done so far has gotten me to a point, but I want to go past that in order to build a life and environment that will be more supportive of my needs as a writer.  That is something that I know I am going to need help in doing, and I have some idea of how to get that help, but even asking for it can be conflicting.  Specifically, there is a specialist whom I am aware of who works with both children and adults that have learning difficulties on issues of this sort, and who works with a relative of mine already.  I have been thinking that I should contact her for some time, but I am a bit on edge about doing so.

My hesitation comes down to the fact that I am scared of how certain people in my life would respond to my needing that help.  One relative, in particular, has pushed me a bit in the direction of doing this, but in a way that suggests, to me, a sort of negative judgement, or at least a sense that they know what I need and I am not taking steps for myself unless I listen to them.  This is someone whom I've always had issues with, and they have made comments that I found somewhat disparaging about my issues.  I know that they mean well, in some ways, but I have always had the sense that they see my dyslexia as a shameful thing, and I can recall certain comments they have made that still bother me.  So, despite my wanting to get the help I feel I need, I am now feeling as though doing so would be an acknowledgement of some deeper character flaw, and not a recognition of my actual situation and needs.  It makes taking a step that should be positive feel like a defeat.  

I recognize this is my problem, and I am getting over it.  Indeed, writing about it here is a way to help me get past the issue so that I can move forwards for my own benefit.  However, I want to express that, even for someone like myself who has come a long way and is quite well off in terms of my ability to compensate for the issues I have, it can be a very sensitive subject.  It is not only about realizing that need for help, but also being able to get that help in a way that feels empowering and not like a defeat.  It is acknowledging that my recognizing the difficulties I have and dealing with them appropriately is a step forwards that I am taking myself.

So, while I am talking through this for myself, in order to understand my feelings and move past them into action, I hope that others might be able to learn from this.  It is easy for people to hear that I have a learning disability and to make certain assumptions.  The other day, I spoke with a professional in the publishing world who made a comment of surprise about my intelligence and  the quality of my writing, in the context of my being dyslexic.  I know that they did not mean it in a negative way, and I didn't take any umbrage, but I felt that I had to explain to them that dyslexia is defined as an unexpected issue with writing.  It requires that the individual be intelligent enough that reading and writing shouldn't be a difficulty in the way that it is.  

When you have an issue that makes it hard to do tasks that others think of as normal, it is natural to try and hide that.  In many ways, it is necessary; part of compensating for the issues I have is finding ways to function in the world with as little disruption as possible.  As well, I don't want to have to explain my issues to others most of the time.  For one thing, many people do not understand and will judge me for it in some way.  I've had that experience many times, and I don't need to have it repeated.  As well, it can be a waste of time if I have to make explanations for what I am doing, even if the context of that conversation is positive.  In short, I am used to trying to be unobtrusive about these things.  It is better for me, and it is less disruptive in general.  But, that also makes it easy to feel ashamed, and can make asking for help difficult.  So, I want to be honest here, and acknowledge that I still struggle in many ways, and to say that I am proud to be able to admit that, and that I see asking for the help I need as a positive step and a sign of personal growth.