Would That I Might

I've had some exciting news about Blaze without Burning recently.  The final galleys have been turned over to the printer, so now it is just a matter of waiting until it is an actual book in the world.  I am told there may be a slight delay in the arrival of copies, but the book is at the printers now, I believe.  In addition, I finalized an agreement to have an e-book edition as well, which I think is pretty exciting.  At the moment, I am mainly just waiting for things to pop off.  I should probably be appreciating the calm and quiet for now, but the anticipation makes that a bit difficult.

I should not be so afraid It would help, I think, and maybe things could be different if I were not this way, if I  did not cower and worry about the damage that might be inflicted. It is not easy to change these things, and I worry that I can't, but I  want to, which is, isn't it, a start.

I have been pushing myself to write a lot lately, and I feel like it is pushing me.  In some ways, it is more about just writing so much that I kind of use up the easy things, I think, at least in part.  I think it is also about those kinds of flow experiences, that it is natural to kind of slip deeper as it prolongs.  Of course, I am also sure that writing more is just going to make me a better writer because it is practice writing, which is up there on the list of things to do to work on being a better writer in general.  Really, though, I don't think it is that I am getting better in some way that I can tangibly point towards, it is more a sense that when I write more, somehow the percentage of the work that is actually hitting feels higher, at least to me.

You are done I think you are waiting for me to be done as well. It won't be too long, but I wish it were even sooner.

Still feeling quite tired tonight, but I am done with my writing and it isn't so late, at least.  I think the issue is that my Bi-PAP needs to be replaced or repaired, but insurance companies suck about things like that.

Someone says it is easy or not that, I guess, because who would say easy, probably they say it is dumb or silly or pointless, or just that it is bad, and that is because they do not know why it is at all, I think, or maybe they don't care about it existing, or are hostile about such things, for reasons that I know are there and I could say anything about it, but I  am resisting. There are reasons for that, too.

I found myself extremely exhausted last night.  I sat down to do my writing, but I kept falling asleep at my desk, so, at some point, I just made a deal that I would finish up what was left today and let myself get to bed.  Unfortunately, I am still feeling tired tonight, even still, but I did get the work done, along with my usual writing, which feels like a win, though I know it is only me keeping up with my own imposed quota, which does seem a bit neurotic or something, if I consider it too much.

You are right What else is there  for me to say? I don't think I can say much at all or that anything I say is good or needed. I am not trying to be coy or pretend. I wish I could do better right now, but it is not possible. I know.  It is done.  I am  not certain you should even believe me when I talk about trying to do better next time.

Melissa and I went and saw the Weezer concert at Mizner Park Amphitheater tonight.  It really isn't all that often that big acts perform in Boca, indeed, even the larger area is often not included in tour schedules, because of just how far of a detour south Florida is.  Tonight, the concert was in honor of Boca's centennial, and so they booked Weezer.  We were quite surprised that the opening act was Fountains of Wayne, which was a very cool and fun surprise.  Weezer was awesome, as well.  It was a lot of fun, and something that we don't get as much of as we did up north.

It is too late now I was tired when I started and I did not start even then, if I am honest, because I was tired and needed to get myself to do something besides sitting here wanting to sleep, and that was a while ago. I do not know what time, am not paying much attention to what time it is now. I am beyond caring, really. I just want to be done so I can pursue my sleep.

I had a bit of an unpleasant evening, though I don't really feel much like getting into it here, except to say that it is on my mind and has been refusing to go anywhere else.   I wrote my poems, and I almost decided to skip blogging, but after a few minutes break, I decided better and so I am here.  I don't know that I have much to say beyond that, at least not at the moment.

Normal days It seems that way, most of the time, if you let it, if you just focus on what is here, on little things, nothing more than what is present, what is obvious. It is only when you pay attention to anything that matters that it seems otherwise.

Despite the fact that I took a nap this afternoon, I am feeling very tired, which makes it quite good that I finished my work on the early side tonight.  I think that I am still going to be up for a bit, anyway, but I hope that I can get a bit more sleep than I have the past few nights.  That is not always possible, even when I get to bed early, but I am remaining optimistic at the moment.

When is the next chance for things to become better and don't say it is now, or today, or that I am missing it already, and pretend that is good as an answer, unless you have real ways to make it that, to do something that matters more than just making a way to matter later, or something like that. I know it is not as if things happen and can be done in that way, but it is bad and it is bad now, and that is real, that is not waiting.

Not much to say tonight, I am afraid.  It was a mostly quiet day.  The biggest thing is that Melissa was feeling a bit of digestive discomfort earlier and is probably going to be eating plain the next day or so.

I ran but maybe that is best? I was not prepared for the moment, for what you wanted. I do not have a defense. I wish I had been honest and not pretended there were reasons beyond my own cowardice.

I have been feeling quite overwhelmed lately, which I think I have said before on this blog.  There has been so much to deal with in my personal life, with various friends and family dealing with medical issues of all sorts, and I am certainly stressed because of the larger issues of the day and the things that are happening here in America, not to mention all that is happening in the rest of the world.  I suppose it is natural to feel as if it is all too much.  I suppose it is too much, really.  I am not certain acknowledging that helps, except that it is a bit liberating in some way.

I don't have a plan Not all of it. I have intentions and goals and I know there are ways, if I am careful, but the specifics are difficult and will take time, will require care and consideration and all that sort of thing, as an approach. I wish it were easier, but it is a task, plus, even after I will have to do things, will have to act and make the plan a thing that happens, and, I hope, turns out well.

I think one of my biggest issues as a writer is with feeling ready to tackle certain ideas.  I am confident as a poet, but in other areas of my work, I need to build that sense of self-reliance and capability, and I am not certain quite how to do it.  Well, really, that isn't true, because I know the way to do it is by just doing the work, but that's the catch, because it is often hard for me to get myself to do the work as a result of my not feeling prepared and equipped for it.

I have it in my head It is not as if I can't explain it or give all the facts and be cogent and clear and make it obvious what is true about the things I am putting up for consideration, but I am tired and not certain how to put it together, how to bring it into any kind of argument, and it won't matter, even if people heard it and considered it, I don't think anyone  would change there actions or attitudes.

Melissa seems to be doing much better.  She rested a bunch today, but that is not unexpected.  Even so, once she got up she seemed much more energetic than she had last week.  I am certain that much of that is just being out of the hospital, but even so, it is clear she is feeling much better than she had been.

If you want to raise the question I will not stop you, I will  not say anything against asking or act as if it is not right. It is right.  I know. I am not fooled into thinking we are wrong, or imagining it isn't going to be a problem, isn't going to be bad if things aren't addressed, but I am afraid. It was not easy for me to do as much  as I have done.

It seems likely that Melissa will be coming home tonight.  If all goes well, I should be picking her up in about an hour.  At the moment, it is all dependent on how she does after dinner.  I know that they wanted to wait four hours, and dinner was a little before six.  When I left the hospital, around seven, she was doing good, and I expect if anything had changed they would have let me know.  She is still going to be on a special diet for now, which will probably be a drag, and there is still a lot to figure out about what caused the episode that sent her to the hospital in the first place, but it will be very good having her back at home.

What you have said is not an answer. Is, if anything, a stall, a way to not answer what matters most, but I will wait. I do not  expect it will go well, but I will do you the kindness of waiting to find out for certain. I do know what is right, I want to hope  that you do.

I had hoped Melissa would be home tonight, but, unfortunately, she is still at the hospital.  They are hoping to send her home tomorrow, but it is dependent on her being able to eat solid food, and I am not quite certain when they plan to test that.  So far, they have been providing her with a series of thicker and thicker liquids, testing how her system responds.  I am glad to report that she isn't in a lot of pain despite the fact that she isn't receiving much beyond iv fluids.  

It was a question I was not certain, or I was prepared to make a choice to do something that is not what I usually do, what I should do, or, at least what I think it is best for me to do.  I was considering it, was almost certain, or maybe I was certain, for a moment, even if I was wrong in the end.

Melissa remains hospitalized tonight.  The doctor was expecting her to go home by the weekend, but it is contingent on whether she tolerates solid food, and so far they are still just feeding her a series of increasingly thick liquids, so I am not certain about that timeline, if I am honest.  I am trying to be hopeful about it, though.  It would be nice if she were home tomorrow night.  I have been missing her quite a bit.

It might be cruel I admit you are allowed to feel that way, but I did not intend it. I did not think I was being cruel. I was attempting to find a kindness inside myself, but I know explorations  of that sort can be messy. I did not mean to reveal things, unless it was my own to reveal.

On Monday night, Melissa was very sick to the point that we called the doctor and were told she needed to go to the ER.  She's been in the hospital since, but has been a lot better than she was.  At the moment, they think it is likely not anything major, but she is getting treatment, mostly just IV fluids I think, and being monitored.  I spoke with the doctor and was told it is likely Melissa will be out by the weekend, thankfully.  It is strange to be home without her.

There is a new idea I can't tell what yet, but it started, a few images in my mind, juxtapositions. I don't have words or even a way to begin, but I know it is there. I will have to wait for it, but not  the type of waiting that requires doing nothing.

I am feeling quite exhausted right at the moment, which isn't anything new.  It seems like I am always a bit tired these days, and I wish that I could actually deal with that. 

Nothing happened for so long and then it was so tale and what mattered  most was not even clear. It is always that way. It is never any way that is not also that one.

I baked a cake for Mother's day this year.  My Mom is, obviously, still recovering from surgery at home, so Melissa and I brought her dinner, and I thought it would be nice to make dessert.  Melissa found a recipe for a layer cake that was actually modelled after one in a painting by an artist my mother likes, and I think she appreciated it.  If I am honest, I don't think I did the best job frosting the cake, but it still looked pretty good and it definitely tasted fine.  I've got a great deal to learn in terms of baking and assembling cakes, but at least the problem isn't with how the things I bake taste.

You won't even understand and I am supposed to be fine not being upset because you didn't mean to do anything, didn't even know, didn't consider it or think and why would you, why would it be anything you should realize, that is what I will hear, isn't it?  It is not alright, though.  I need you to be responsible for the pain you are inflicting. If that is not a possibility, I do not know how I  am supposed to even survive any longer.

I sent back the galleys for Blaze without Burning this past week, and I am excited to make certain everything for the book is right.  There are some concerns that I have at the moment, but I am hoping that they will be resolved quickly.  I kind of wish that I had anticipated the possibility of certain issues earlier, but I believe it will wind up working out in the end, anyway.  

I do not like the way it went Even the resolution, if it is a resolution at all or anything close, is troubling.  I  do not trust that it is real or good, or natural, anyhow. I think there was an intercession, an interference is what I mean, well intentioned, or possibly well-intentioned, but not good or right or acceptable in my mind. It undermines all the rest, if that is why, if he is the one who made it happen.

 I am exhausted at the moment, but I got through my writing for tonight, which feels good.  I should get myself to bed, but I suspect I might take a few minutes to unwind, first.  At least it is still pretty early.

How is it odd? I do not understand why you would use that word to describe my concern. I think it is quite appropriate and what should be expected. I am only asking for things to reflect what was intended from the start. It was known, it was always known, and now I am only wanting things to be as they should, as, I believe, we agreed it would be.

The last few nights, I have pushed myself to write a lot more poetry than I had been.  For a long while, I'd settled on writing five poems each night, which may seem like a lot, but I find that I actually do better when I work this way, not that I do not return to the drafts for editing and such later.  I think part of it is that I just have less concern, less preciousness, about my work, so I am freer and more willing to experiment or write something that I might not otherwise.  I also think that the best ideas are often those that come from pushing and pushing to get something new.  The first few things are the easy ones, and after that, it takes more work, but inspiration will show up if it knows you are serious and won't blink until it gives you something to work with.  Well, anyhow, I had been writing five poems daily for a long while, which was less previously but felt like a decent amount of work, but a few weeks ago, I increased my personal quota to nine...

I forgot It was not difficult or anything I was ignoring, but I will admit it was my own fault, that I just forgot. At least I remember now, and I intend to take care it  very soon, unless my memory slips again.

I am still somewhat worried about my mother at the moment.  When I went to her house this morning, I caught her standing up with her walker five or six feet away, and I know that is not really a safe thing for her to be doing at the moment.  Of course, her response to my suggesting that she keep the walker nearby when she is getting up was met with a hostility, and I can understand that feeling, but it doesn't change the reality that she shouldn't be doing things like that, especially when she is alone at home.

Yeah, it changed and you can say there are good reasons, and I do not think the reasons are bad or  even wrong, but it is not an answer to what I am  getting at, and you should know  enough to be aware of that, to get the damage being done, and admit it is there, or at least that is  nothing to wave away, not if you think of me and care about the harm that happened, the way it has been. I am not healed from it, even if you wish I could pretend the wound was not even a wound and nothing was done that can be imagined as wrong.

I've got a bunch of work to focus on in preparation for the release of Blaze without Burning, but I have been distracted from it, largely because of my Mother's surgery.  I'm hoping to focus on things tomorrow afternoon.  If that doesn't work out, I think I might need to try and recruit a bit more help in some form.  Fortunately, I think I have support that I can rely on to help with that.

How long will it be It is not far, is it, though no one can be certain how long or even just what will be, what is coming, only that it won't be very long, not very long at all, until it is everything, until it is upon us. Until then, it is easiest to just pretend there is nothing coming for us, we are not waiting at all.

The nurse who was watching my mother left this afternoon, so Mom is now at home alone for the first night since her surgery.  I think she will be fine, but I can't help but be a little nervous.  If I am honest, it does concern me that she doesn't have anyone with her.  It's only been since Wednesday that she had the surgery and that seems quite fast for her to be on her own.  She is convinced that she is fine and doesn't need anyone around, but I kind of wish she would have let me stay over for a few nights.

There are things to be said I should say them, should let it all flow out, but I don't.  I wait and say nothing instead. I think about it. I construct sentences, imagine moments when I might or could. I might think I will do it, even, I might actually be quite certain for a time.

Melissa and I had dinner with my mother tonight.  Mom seems to be doing quite well, though I am a bit concerned that the nurse who has been staying with her is scheduled to leave tomorrow afternoon and Mom will be alone at home after that.  As fast as she has been recovering, she is still clearly in pain and seems to be groggy from the various meds.  I don't know that I can do much besides just checking in on her regularly for now. 

I will keep to it though it is foolish, maybe, or not the way that is best, is not the practical way to proceed and practical is the way that is best given how it is, how it has become, how it is about to become and will be. It is not a good choice, but it is  what I am choosing, though I retain the right to change my mind.

I have been trying to work on some non-fiction/essay stuff recently, much of it political.  It is often a difficult thing for me, though I am not certain what jams me up when I go in that direction.  I did write a piece a week or two ago that was a short personal essay focusing on certain aspects of my neuro-diversity and how that is impacting some of my feelings around public events for Blaze without Burning 's launch.  That took a bit of work but the stuff I am trying to express now feels very complicated and thorny, and I think that a part of me is a bit cowardly about saying things that might be controversial or that could agitate some people.  Of course, that is kind of necessary in some cases, and I know that, which, alas, is a bit different than actually getting over it, I am finding.

I am still waiting but I am less certain, am doubtful.  It would be good for you to come, I think for both of us, but you have not responded, and you are late, already by at least an hour, though that is not strange for you. I just hope you will let me know what you intend and not just leave me waiting without knowing you don't intend to arrive.

I wrote a sonnet tonight.  I am not really certain why I decided to do that.  It was mostly just an exercise.  I have, of course, written sonnets before.  I had teachers ask for them at various times during my schooling, including back when I was in high school and learning about formal poetry in English class, so it isn't as if it is something new or all that strange.  I recall that when I was in college, I spent a month or two writing sonnets regularly, just for the sake of trying to write them.  Tonight was probably in that same spirit.  It feels like a good way to sort of practice certain aspects of prosody, or maybe it is just that I wanted to play in a slightly different space.  I don't know that I would say the result is anything all that great, but I am glad I did it, and a part of me is thinking that it might be worth playing with form a bit more, either continuing with sonnets or jumping through a few different forms over time.

I have good reasons and I can explain them, but why would I? Why should I need to  do that for you? That is not anything you deserve or that seems necessary or reasonable. I am certain you will say it is required, and maybe that will matter, will mean there are consequences. I think there are consequences in either direction.