Would That I Might

One of the big questions that has been in my head with Blaze without Burning 's release is how well it will do in terms of sales.  So far, things have been slow, but that is not very surprising.  In the past week, though, there have been two different articles published, so I am curious to discover how that impacts things.  I have a feeling it will have some influence, but whether that is large or small, I don't know.  I've got my fingers crossed, but I am aware of the realities around selling a book of poetry, so I am keeping my expectations realistic, shall we say.

What can I do to make it better? I do not know and am not all that good at finding those solutions. I want them to be obvious or easy.  I don't want to work at finding them. That is not how things are, but I am being honest, I suppose, which often is considered a virtue.

I think I have figured out a lot of what I was uncertain about in terms of this new idea I have for a novel, but I am still feeling hesitant about getting started.  A lot of that is connected to the launch of Blaze without Burning, as I do want to keep my energy focused on that.  I know that I should be able to get to work on this new idea, even if I have to keep it on the back burner somewhat, and I probably need to figure out a practical approach that will let me work on it without it taking over my entire creative life.

It seems you think things are fine now or better, anyhow.  You think it is not so bad any longer because things are quiet and so it doesn't matter, I guess.  You do not notice that it is still the same, that we are distant. I am sure my sadness means nothing to you, does not even register. It is far off and you are not here, are not going to even notice. I do not want  it to be this way, do not like complaining or being the one with problems. The problem is there all the time, but you will only notice when I  make it yours.

As I said last night, I am feeling quite excited right now about the book launch.  Things are beginning to happen and I am hopeful that it will add up.  I certainly feel like there is energy building, and with the word getting out, I can't help but feel that things are really going to kick into gear.  Maybe that is just wishful thinking, but I feel optimistic at this moment, which is kind of rare for me, if I am honest.

Something else will happen instead of what was happening, what would have happened, and maybe it is better or maybe it is worse. It could be equivalent. What does it matter? It can't be compared, unless there is some other place with a different time, which may exist, but we can't be there or get there, not right now, anyhow, and probably never is my guess, so there is just what it was and not  the other things. I should know that and accept it and all of that. I know  it would be better if I could, but maybe that is one more thing that only happens in some other world.

It is something of an exciting night, as two different articles have come out covering the publication of Blaze without Burning .  First, there is a review from Vocal media/Beat:  https://vocal.media/beat/blaze-without-burning-is-william-may-s-daring-and-inventive-debut .  The article is very flattering about the book and have to say that I am quite grateful to Matt Adams for taking the time to write about my little book of poetry, especially in such glowing terms.  The other article is an interview from Vents Magazine:  https://ventsmagazine.com/2025/02/24/finding-light-in-the-flames-an-interview-with-poet-william-may-ahead-of-his-new-book-blaze-without-burning/   I was very glad to have the opportunity to share some of my thoughts and experiences around the book.  It feels like things are starting to really get cooking around the launch and I am starting to feel the excitement kicking up.

She said it was something with her hip We both agree about that, but he thinks  it was at home and I think it was before she left the dinner tonight, after we had departed. I think that  is what she said, but he  argued with me and now I am not certain, though I remember what she said and it seemed clear. I am uncertain of myself. I am too easy to believe  other people's interpretations of what I know, maybe, or I misunderstood, or it is something else that I am not certain of, some other thing, a different possibility, but I doubt it is any better anyhow.  Really, I should be worried about her hip and not about which of us understood her story best.

I still have yet to start writing on this new project, and that is not great.  I should just get started, as I have said, and if I don't take that advice it will be my own fault if I never write this.  It is still a bit unclear to me, really, and I am somewhat unsure of myself about even those aspects that I feel clearest about, but thinking on that, I can't help but wonder if that isn't all just me giving myself excuses for not getting started.

If you do not like that people know what you did maybe the problem is with you and your actions, and not with me for being honest about what happened.

I have yet to start work on the new novel I am thinking of, but I think I have a decent sense of how to begin it already.  As I said last night, it is really just a matter of kicking myself into gear and I feel like that will happen.  I am working on it even now, if not yet in actual written format, and I think there is just one bit of the idea that I want to have some more clarity around before I will be truly comfortable committing to it fully.

I do not want to feel like I am the one who is failing and you are the one trying to make  it right, I know that is not true, it is only that you are fine with surfaces and I need what is beneath: you can pretend it is all perfect and blame me when it is no good. You think the parameters are yours to set, but that is no good. You must become a person who can care enough about others to do things that are not comfortable for you.

I can think of a few books that play in the kind of space I described last night in reference to the idea I am currently playing with.  The primary example is Calvino's If on A Winter's Night A Traveler , which I think does offer a good model for some of what I am imagining.  Calvino is playing a slightly different game then the one I am interested in, though I find it difficult to express the nuances of those distinctions right now.  I have a clear sense of things, I think, and I do want to begin work on this.  The thing that has me hesitating a bit is really the timing, as I am quite involved with the launch for Blaze without Burning at the moment and I want to keep focusing energy on that.  At the same time, I know that a novel doesn't wait around.  I think the solution will be to begin work on it and perhaps reduce some of my poetry and other writing.  I am not certain, to be honest, if that is going to even be necessary once I get started.  I...

It will change again The question is only when and what will be done before then? I suspect it will not be so long, but that is a guess, and even if I am right, it does not mean it will get better all that fast. The destruction can out live the destroyer.

I have thought for a long time about how to write a novel where the main character is the reader and the main action of the plot is reading the book and I feel like I want to try to work on that soon.  Recently, I started to play around with some general notes on the idea and I came up with a few thoughts that feel like they might work, though it is all still quite loose and I know that there is some aspect of it which isn't quite clear to me, yet, but that could be something I need to discover through writing, so it doesn't really stop me.  I think I am just trying to build up the creative energy, maybe, but the truth is that I should just push myself into action, as this is, in the end, what it usually takes to get started.

It might all be coming together or adding up or building to the climax, maybe, though that seems too final and this feels like a start of a sort, but not quite, the kind of start that comes after so much else that was important but not quite the thing. Maybe it will be right and good, but I don't know and I can't help thinking it seems a bit late and a bit dark for things to be starting.

I did a bunch of work tonight practicing for interviews.  It was not all that bad, if I am honest, and I gather that I did pretty well.  I'm glad I got the chance to practice in a relaxed and safe setting, though I don't really know when these skills might be useful at the moment.   At present the interviews I've received have all requested written responses, though there are a few that have been arranged that I am not certain about quite yet.  

One day you may realize I hope so.  I think it is possible, even likely, that day will come.  I wish it could be sooner, but it will take so much, maybe it will only be when it happens to you and not just some friend or neighbor.

 We have a small piece that came out about the book launch:  https://patch.com/new-york/west-village/calendar/event/20250218/4baccd2f-f5f2-4503-95a9-f9df177d1542/west-village-the-world?utm_source=share-link&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=share .  It is just the first and is more or less just an announcement about the book, but I am hopeful that it will at least get the word out there.  It is the first piece, I think, and whatever happens as a result, I am excited; it really brings home for me that the book really is coming out and will be here pretty soon.

Run off and be away and it will be better than what remains and what is here, it should be, the flames can reach only so far, right?  If we can run soon enough they will not know to follow. That is what I think, anyhow, what I expect, considering. If I am wrong it is no worse than staying, certainly.

I am getting ready for a few more interviews to come through.  I believe that they are also in the same format, with the questions already written down for me to write my replies back.  I'm actually going to be doing a bit of preparation for the possibility of audio or video interviews in the future, which is both exciting and a bit intimidating, but I am game for it, and I appreciate the opportunity to develop those skills in a safe environment.  It is a bit strange, though, as a writer who has spent my life doing most of my work alone at a desk, to find myself beginning to move into this kind of space.  I also am keenly aware that at the moment things are still speculative, with a lot that could change, but even so, I suppose it is better to be ready.

It does seem that things are happening or not yet happening, maybe, but there is preparation and work is being done and I have to believe it will be for a reason and not just a mirage. I won't know, not yet.  I realize it will take more before I can be certain.  I wish I had more faith but I am not so optimistic any longer.

All the stuff gearing up for the book has me excited, and I do feel optimistic about the launch at the moment, but I also know that it is still very early in the process.  It feels like we are in a very good position, and I feel lucky to have the team that I do around me, but I know that it is still going to be a lot of work and there is so much that is up in the air right now.  I do feel fortunate that I have the book fo focus on right now, though there is only so much that helps, if I am honest.

It is obvious what is coming but what is to be done? I don't have a good answer, I am uncertain what is best even for myself, if I will know when to act and what to do. I am certain a moment for action will come, or else it has passed already.

I had a bit of a late night.  Melissa and I went out to dinner with my brother and his wife and it got a bit late.  We didn't get home until around midnight, I think, and I was already kind of tired.  I considered letting myself take the night off again, but it felt too soon for that, so I just took a few minutes to rest and clear my head, and then I came up here and got to work.  I know it is important for me to keep my writing practice going, though I do, at times, feel like I could ease up on myself a bit at the moment.  Ironically, I think that having the book coming out has me feeling that way sometimes, like a part of my mind thinks I can relax because of it, which seems strange to me.  For one thing, I don't have any real certainty about what is going to be with the book at the moment, however positive I think things look, but more importantly, even if this book is a success, I wouldn't want that to be the end of my career as a writer.  Perhaps,...

I think it is coming, now After so long and when so much is twisted.  I worry it is too late, that this change is coming  when it will not matter, but I cannot choose. Maybe this is for the best, is important. I do not know. I am afraid of what could come, but even so, I have worked and waited. It is late, perhaps, but maybe that is right. Maybe this is the hour when it will meet a need in the world.

I spent a bunch of time last night working to finish up work on an interview I needed to complete, and I felt pretty drained afterwards, which is why I decided not to post.  I've honestly been just a bit more lenient with myself lately about that, though for me that is still not too common, and I don't think I would ever let myself skip two days, and certainly not in terms of writing poetry.  

It was not perfect but it was  good, I believe, was enough, anyhow. I wish it had been more and better and better planned. I know it would be best if I learned that lesson. I am afraid, I will admit, I think it more likely I'll only realize how simple it was to get away with far less and pretend it was more.

I've been thinking quite a lot about poetry and how to discuss it, how to communicate the aspects of poetry that I think are most interesting or important, and most of that, in the end, is just discovered by reading poems and being open to them.  As a poet, I do think about craft and the ways poems are constructed, and how to do a better job of making poems that work and do what I am hoping they will.  For me, much of that is connected to understanding the ways in which language works, the process of comprehension itself, as much as I can at least.  Those aspects are often more difficult to discuss, not only because much of what I understand in that area has become largely intuitive, but also because it often wouldn't seem interesting or meaningful, would seem so minor a detail as to not matter, and I guess that much of what makes any piece of writing poetry is connected to the kind of obsessiveness over such minute aspects of language and communication.  It is not t...

You cannot get away  from those things, not when they are there waiting within any thought or dream or daydream. And you can't keep alert for it because that means remembering which requires thinking about it, and that would defeat the whole purpose.

I am working a lot on stuff to promote the book, as I have said before, and some of it is strangely difficult.  At the moment, I am getting through a written interview and it has been somewhat difficult.  I think the results will be good, though, that I am going pretty deep in thinking about how to answer the questions in a way that will be interesting and, I hope, meaningful for those who read it, and, if I am lucky, maybe they might even find they are curious about my chapbook, which wouldn't be a bad thing either.

There is a shift and maybe I will need to change things, and it could be I am already beginning to feel the need for something else I cannot name or think of as anything but a sense that the way it has been is the old way.

I have been working hard to get things going for my book and there are a number of very exciting developments that could be really great, if they come through, and that is beyond the stuff I know is already worked out.  There is definitely some cool stuff going on behind the scenes right now, and I wish I could talk about it more, but I've been told to stay quiet for now, so this is about the most that I feel comfortable saying for the moment.  In any case, things seem to be going in a positive direction.

Too many people will not look and do not know or care, and those are different people than the ones who will be glad, and I think there are not so many of those, but there are some, and many more who imagine they will be happy but do not understand, or am I too optimistic? It may not even matter. If it is optimism, it is not useful or hopeful. I am not certain what can be said that would be true right now and bring much comfort about the immediate situation.

I succeeded in avoiding the Super Bowl tonight, which is about the best that I could have expected.  Melissa and I went to dinner with my mother, and that worked out quite nicely.  Mom seems very excited about my book, and I am really appreciative of her support and enthusiasm.

I should pay more attention but I am not sure it would be good for me, even if it is the right thing, and important in more ways than just being aware and prepared.

I have paid attention to some of the discussions around Trump's proposal that the US take over Gaza, and there is a certain aspect of it that I think is essential, but which keeps getting missed in the way the discussion is framed.  The fact is, it is not in any way motivated as a plan to help Gaza, but is simply Trump attempting to fulfill his clear ambition to expand the territory of the United States, probably because he thinks it will prove he is the best.  The plan cannot be discussed except in that framing, because that is the actual motive and the intention that guides the entire suggestion.  It does no good to even consider the merits of such an intervention if that aspect is not part of the consideration.

You ask how it is they could still think what they always have despite  the evidence of recent events and I do not know, am not certain.  I can guess,  can imagine the way it could seem, or the need for certainty that overwhelms even the truth.

I just want to scream and rant about what is going on in this country right now, but I am too tired for that and I don't think there is much of a point at the moment.  Anyone paying attention should be able to recognize what is happening and the danger it presents, but nothing will be done about it.  I am not certain what there is to be said, what can be communicated that will make a difference in this moment.  Certainly, there is nothing that will change what is happening, nothing that I can say to make it much better.  I feel like I need to figure out a different way to speak about this all, for a different purpose, I suppose, though I can't say just what I mean by that quite yet.

You are still gone and I am here and it is not  anything I have a right to be upset by, I have no claim or control or reason that I should feel harmed by it, but I do. I will not hold it against you, though, I know better than that. There is  a particular loneliness that I carry, and I know it is  within me. I am aware of the truth even when I am within my own illusions.

I am stuck in a strange duality right now.  This is, in my personal life, a time when I should feel like celebrating.  Blaze without Burning is coming out and I feel like I have a real opportunity to build on that.  And, of course, I do have a great deal of satisfaction in all of that, and am quite proud of the work I have done and am continuing to do in bringing this collection out, but how can that not be overshadowed by the awareness of what is currently happening in this country?  The destruction that is being wreaked is unimaginable and it is impossible to even predict just what will result, but this is very clearly a situation that can't be allowed to continue without dire consequences for all of us.  Too bad it seems like everyone in power is either in favor of it all or just won't do anything to stand against it.

There is no return That was clear even before, but now is different, is not just the opening, the release, is not ideology alone.  It is a practical matter, is the impossibility of repairing what has been destroyed. It has changed from a metaphoric fire to an actual match and gallons of gasoline. 

I have been very slow with this last interview.  It has been difficult for me.  Parts of it have been hard, anyway.  I think I am doing well with it, but I am slow.  I did a few more questions today, the ones that felt easier, if you want to know.  What is funny, really, is it is not a hard hitting interview, and none of this is personal questions, it is all just fairly banal, but I am finding it difficult for me.  A part of it is just the framing of some of it, I think.  One question feels a bit self-serving, which may be the point, but it is quite bold about it, although I expect it is meant to be cute.  I will get through it, and I think it will be good, really, but it is taking me a bit of time to get there.

I forgot to mention many things today but they were not important at all and that is why I must have forgotten. I do not mean that they are not important, they are  but they are not urgent, I guess, are not things that I worry about today or now, or in any way that is practical. It is bigger than that, which is important, but when the world is happening, that stuff seems less important, but I know one day it will be too late to consider.

The aspect of Blaze without Burning that I think brings it together as a collection is the structure that it took on as it developed.  I have probably discussed this before, but the book is built around having sets of poems, but they are not directly next to each other, rather the second half reverses the order from the first, making a sort of mirror, or, as I often think of it, as a kind of journey towards and away from the center of the book.  That structure brought the book together and gave the poems an added dimension through the relationships that exist between them in the text, and I know that I am interested in finding new ways to build on that as I work on a full length collection.  Obviously, I don't want to just repeat that format, but I do think that there is a way I can find to do something similar, and I expect that it will come to me.  I have to remember that the structure for Blaze without Burning only came to be after the work had been selected....

The same thing again Oh, yes, of course I recognize how different it has become, that you did not expect any of what has unfolded, but does that mean you are not obligated? You know what was said and it matters, I am still here living with your choices, but you will do whatever you wish in spite of what you have said. It is the same, I think, as how this all started, and somehow I am still hurt by it, I am still not smart enough to have been prepared.

I think that I want to begin working on making a full length poetry collection, in part so that it will be ready if things really do go well with my book.  The fact is, I have more than enough poems to put together a whole shelf of books, if I am honest.  I don't mean to suggest that all of my poems are great and ready to go or anything, but I have enough poems that I think I can certainly compile a book with good work, and I tend to think of the curation process in connection with revision, especially because I am very interested in attempting to keep creating larger works that contextualize the poems as parts of a cohesive whole in the way that I think I was able to in Blaze without Burning.  

Why fight that? It is not good or meaningful or in the interest of those you are said to serve.  It is against them, really.  I am aware, am paying attention and it is clear. You are defending your enemies. It is not a secret what they think, what they say and do, what they allow and encourage. They have done enough of it already.  Even if this is  not what it seems, why bother to say anything? If you still cared, the most you would do is stay silent.

Melissa and I went with my mother to see a play tonight at Theatre Lab, which is the resident professional theatre at Florida Atlantic University here in Boca.  This was the opening night for there newest production, a brand new play, Two of Us on The Run .   The plot is about two teenage girls running away from home, and it is mostly just the two girls alone throughout the play.  If I am honest, it felt a bit thin to me, and I wish that I had a stronger sense of the characters, but it is a new work, so I am guessing that it is still evolving at the moment.  it is definitely an interesting play and I am glad to have seen it, despite whatever weaknesses it might have.

It is all waiting It is there and ready and I could take action: I have the ability and the time, but I  do not have the desire right now and the pressure is not enough yet. Soon, I know it will build and I will do it. It would be good if I did not wait that long, but of late this is the form my motivation has been coming in.