Poem: It was clear even in the moment

It was clear even in the moment

and yet, what did I do?
She is right
that it is destructive,
is self-sabotage,
though I wonder
if that is the goal,
or if it is just what happens.
I think it is worse,
that I am not doing it
to punish myself
or to ruin something
due to my own damage.
I don't think that is it.
I think I like being the victim.
I think I feel good
when I feel myself
being mistreated
and deserving justice.

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