A Writer's Notebook, Day One-Thousand-Two-Hundred-And-Eighty-Six

My twenty-fifth high school reunion is coming up in a few weeks.  I had thought I wanted to go, but it became too complicated, and I realized that, to be honest, I don't think I care that much about it.  I mean, most of the people I knew in high school were not very kind to me, and I don't really want to see them again.  There are, to be certain, a few people I would be glad to catch up with, but I have attended a few reunions, and most of those folks were not present.  All of this is, though, not the real reason for my choice.  Several factors were involved, but the most significant has to do with going back to New York and trying to stay at my family home.  My mother's family owned the building where I grew up until last year, and now that it has been sold, my Mom is having difficulties with the new landlords.  When my brother was there to finish cleaning out his apartment and generally packing up to move, he spent some time in Mom's apartment.  The landlord accused my mother of subletting her unit and caused all sorts of fuss, because he was there without her.  I am afraid that if I go up, it will be a similar situation, and I am not up for it.  I am already feeling quite hurt around the entire decision that was made and how it was handled.  I was kept in the dark about it and not allowed to know anything until it was already decided, even though my own brother was informed and even got involved in some of the discussions around these decisions.  Beyond this, it is still the only place I have ever felt was truly my home, and I can't imagine any other place that I would feel the same way about.  I don't really want to exist in a world where I don't have a real home any longer, and so I didn't want to even go back and face that.  I am afraid, to be honest, and I feel cheated.  I always believed I would return to live there one day as an adult.  I can't imagine a future without that, even now that know it is become an impossibility.

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